The Curve

by Noelle Bodhaine

  “I thought you might like to see the new car.” Uncle Roberts’s low voice pulled me from my mind and I looked over at his beaming face.

  “Oh yes, I would love that! It has been so long since I have been on a track, since I have been around the cars, I miss it. Miss the smell, miss the adrenaline.” He smiled sweetly and his eyes crinkled, revealing feathered wrinkles at the corners and I was suddenly aware that he had aged.

  I had locked him away, this whole place, from the moment we left. The moment my life irrevocably changed. I froze it all and never moved on. It hadn’t occurred to me that Uncle Robert would age, but the tired lines around his eyes and slightly leathery complexion told the story I had not been a party to.

  Mom and I moved back to the states and tried to pretend like none of it happened, while life kept moving forward behind us. Nothing ever stopped, we just stopped noticing. As I looked into his kind, worn eyes I decided I liked the age in his face. It made him look distinguished, authoritative. This is what my dad would have looked like. I smiled back as we pulled into the parking lot.

  He had moved to McLaren after Daddy died and spent a few years there developing a new engine before moving over to Mercedes and then back to Cooper. He preferred England, preferred the homegrown racing teams. I think it made him feel connected to my Dad. I hadn’t seen Silverstone since the last time I was at the track with him, ten long years.

  “She isn’t ready yet, but the major bugs have been worked. Body work just completed last week. We should be able to get you a run this afternoon if you like.” He looked over at me as he put the car in park and his eyes twinkled with an anticipation usually reserved for children with unopened gifts.

  He was excited to see me drive, we had discussed it numerous times. He knew I had it in me, he wanted to foster it, he wanted to bring my father back. Bring back our name, I wanted that too.

  “Are you kidding me?” I released the seatbelt in a rush and threw the door open, hopping from the car. “Come on!” I prompted as he grinned, purposely slowing down his movements, rising from the car at a snail’s pace.

  “I take that as a yes then? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, princess, not on my account.” He winked and activated the alarm on his BMW as we walked towards the grandstands.

  “Don’t call me princess, Uncle Robert. I’m a grown woman, I want to be taken seriously,” I said, skipping through the roundabout, doing a spin through the pavilion, dancing on air at the thought of getting behind the wheel of one of my Uncle Roberts cars. After an hour of lectures and pre-run tests, I pulled on a small practice jumpsuit and had a helmet tucked under my arm.

  “Ok, Mack,” he paused for effect and I grinned, liking the nickname, “Let’s get that helmet on and check your speakers.” I wrapped my hair in a knot and tucked it into the neck of my jumpsuit before pulling the helmet down over my head. The whole world disappeared for a moment, no sound, no sight, just padded silence. Robert flipped up the visor to catch me daydreaming. “Ok now, this girl has a new gearbox, I want to see how she does. Report back. Watch for the brakes, they are not like the carts and the track is slick today, it’s been rainin’, brings oil to the surface.”

  “Yes, yes, I remember.” He held a finger in front of my face.

  “Young lady, when you are in my car, on my track you will listen to what I have to say, do you understand? I know that you are well versed, but anyone who walks into this garage and wants to lay a finger on one of my cars will answer directly to me, and that includes you. Your father knew the drill.” I winced briefly at his reckless mention of my dad, as he hadn’t brought him up until this moment. He paused for a beat, and then continued. “If you truly want a shot at driving these cars, you have to listen. Do you understand?”

  “Yes Sir, I understand,” I answered.

  “Do you remember this track at all? The circuits, the straights?”

  “I do. I think I do.”

  “First rule of racing, be honest about what you know. Now, let’s get out there and test that memory. The National circuit is open today. You stay at the top of the track and listen for my instructions. Do you have any questions?”

  “No, Sir,” I said as he flipped my visor down and helped me into the car. He handed me the steering wheel which I quickly installed over my lap and he reached over to start the car.

  I totally floated away on the track for I have no idea how long. As soon as I took off from the pit I drifted to the top of the track and just drove. Yes, I was chasing speed but mostly I was chasing a feeling, and it took me on the second turn. It was surreal like I could smell my dad right next to me. There was no noise, no movement, but I was flying. I could see the wind passing me but couldn’t feel it for want of the sensation that held me so tightly.

  I thought about my dad driving around this track. I would sit in the stands and watch and daydream about this moment. In my fantasies he was always standing in the pits, waiting to call me in. For this moment, as I drove this car around the track he used to drive, I was closer to him than I had been in ten years. And just as suddenly as the fantasy pushed everything out, it got sucked away and I was suddenly so aware of the car again. Aware of the high pitched roar as I dropped down a gear and put my foot to the gas. Aware of the pull of the tires as I tried to guide her around the last curve. My body was electric when I finally stepped from the car. Every cell on alert, the rush indescribable, the wash of memory painful, but something I was so thankful for. I hung back and basked as the crew pushed her back into the garage.

  “Go get changed kid, I’ll meet you in the office.” Uncle Roberts’s voice barely broke through my fog along with the rumble of a motorcycle engine. Barely aware that I had left the car I headed into the garage and back to Uncle Roberts office to change out of the jumpsuit. I pulled my jeans on and hung the jumpsuit on a plastic hanger but hold it. I missed the feel of this material, the smell of the motor oil and flame retardant. I brought the jumpsuit to my nose and breathed in deeply, pulling the last memories of him that I could muster to the surface. The smell of the garage, the sound of the cars, it all brought him back to the surface, and I was in heaven.

  I heard the crew roll the car back in followed by boisterous voices and what sounded like Uncle Robert saying ‘No, no, no, I was just running her on the machine.’ I laced up my runners and opened the office door to see the back of a very loud motorcycle, exhaust pipes roaring, powerful shoulders holding two muscled arms wide, gloved hands tightly gripping the handlebars. He revved the engine and leaned in as Robert tried to talk, drowning him out in jest before he reached out, slapped Robert on the back and roared out of the garage. Oh my God, that was him.

  “Was that Kelley? I asked, knowing full well it was from the electricity that prickled under my skin and the way my stomach twisted into a tight knot.

  “Oh um,” Robert mumbled, clearing his throat, pounding his fist to his sternum a couple times for effect. “About that,” he put his arm around my shoulder and guided me into the garage and away from the departing Kelley. “Yeah, I want you to keep this between us for now. I am building this team Kiki, I want you to be my secret weapon, which means, for now, this remains our little secret. You remember how these teams work, you’re untested and young.”

  “I have been developing this car for years, for this team, for Kelley. You will have to earn your place, and it won’t be easy. There is a delicate balance that needs to be struck here, Kelley has only just returned to Cooper. He came back for me, he wanted me and the new car, I wanted control of development and the testing team. He relented of course because he trusts me. He hasn’t even asked who his test team is. If you want a chance, it has to be this way, but he will be the one to give you a chance, once you have been tested and proven. You have a long road ahead of you Kiki, but stick with me kid and you’ll go places.” He winked and gripped my shoulder.

  “Does he even know I am here”

  “Well, no not exactly. But I think it will
be a nice surprise. He is coming for dinner tonight.” I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to him.

  “It will be fine, Kiki. He cared a lot about you, he loved your father. You’ll see. It will be just like no time has passed.” His face didn’t purvey the confidence in his voice.

  “The last time he saw me I was a child.”

  “That you were,” he said with a twinkle in his eye, “I think he will get that you’ve grown.”

  “Hopefully.” I returned, suddenly unsure.

  ***

  I thought about Mara as I got ready for dinner, ready to see Kelley face to face for the first time in ten years. I thought about all the women I had seen him with through the years and realized that it really wasn’t that many. He fell into that pitfall for a couple of years right after Daddy died but he seemed to pull back and focus more once he hit his mid-twenties. He went quiet all but for the races and the required press that went along with it.

  I struggled with my hair trying to make it as smooth and glossy as possible, despite my stubborn curls and the unwavering spring mist that would surely undo all my hard work. But I wanted to look polished, like a woman. I wanted all traces of the little girl erased and replaced with a sophisticated, well-groomed well-bred woman, the kind of woman that would turn his head. The kind of woman I knew he wanted. I tried to cover my freckles with a tinted moisturizer but they shined through relentless fuckers. I dabbed a bit of red lip gloss on my cheeks and lips as I heard his car come around the gravel drive. One last deep breath, I ran my fingers through my hair, checked my smile and did a twirl in the mirror, checking all my angles before I descended the stairs.

  My heart was pounding and my mouth was like a desert. As I rounded the landing I saw him come through the front door and my whole world stopped spinning for what felt like a minute that I wanted to last a lifetime. Dark jeans and a black button-up shirt. Hair tightly shorn, a five o’clock shadow at his jaw, he was beautiful. His broad shoulders took the whole of the foyer as he turned to give Ina a hug and handed her a bottle of wine. His long legs had him easily towering above her, his strong arms held her securely. I wanted them to hold me like that.

  He had grown since I last saw him, obviously, but it wasn’t that he was bigger, he was a man. All man, and I could feel his pull all the way up here.

  “Robert didn’t mention the occasion, just said to bring wine. So,” his deep voice rushed over me and he paused, looking around dramatically, “what is the occasion?” Ina smiled at him then looked up at me and I was suddenly trapped between wanting to launch into his arms or turn and run back to my bedroom.

  “Well,” he turned and his eyes followed hers and stopped on me, blank. He looked through me for a moment then smiled. “Hello there.” His eyes lit and the dimple in his right cheek dipped and twisted my gut, God, he was everything. Ina quickly spoke up as he stepped forward.

  “Kelley, you remember our niece, Kiki,” the realization. He dropped the hand he was offering as I descended the stairs and stepped back. He watched me for a moment like I was a ghost before he seemed to snap back to reality, a cold, detached reality. His body closed, his hands held firmly this sides. I hit the bottom step and smiled up at him. His face was the same as the boy I had left, but so different. The planes were sharper; he was more defined, chiseled. His skin was tan, making his chocolate eyes look so deep, but he refused to look right at me.

  “It’s nice to see you again, Kelley,” my voice was quiet, unsure. He looked down the bridge of his nose and nodded with a forced grin before brushing past me and pushing the kitchen door open for Ina.

  Dinner was awkward, to say the least. We caught up with old family members who had never really been close. He asked terse questions about the years I had been away, asked after my mom, but there was nothing there, as if I, we, had never meant anything to him. I watched him drink his beer, the same hands that used to wrap around Daddy’s steins now wrapped around Uncle Roberts’s pint glass. The same lips, refusing to smile for me. I don’t know what I had expected. I know what I had hoped for, and this was far from it.

  He was being cold, not outwardly, but I felt him, and I was chilly. The night was totally out of rhythm until they started talking about the new car; and since Kelley wasn’t to know that I had already driven it, and especially since he was acting so very terse with me, I decided to excuse myself from their conversation and help Aunt Ina with the cleanup.

  “He seems a bit out of sorts tonight Kiki, I’m sorry honey, are you ok?” She turned to me with sympathy in her eyes and a dish towel over her shoulder. I took a deep breath and really considered what she was asking. No, it wasn’t ok. I had been waiting ten years to see this man.

  This is not the reception I had envisioned, not the fantasy I carefully honed.

  “Sure, I’m fine.” I shrugged, turning towards the sink. “I just hoped that maybe he would be happy to see me.”

  “Oh honey, I’m sure he is. I think perhaps springing you on him like this wasn’t the best idea your Uncle Robert has ever had.” She put a hand on my shoulder and her warmth spread.

  “Losing your dad was hard for everyone, Kiki. Kelley loved your dad too, and then he lost you.”

  I hadn’t thought about it that way. I was twelve, I had always thought about what I lost. I lost my dad, I lost Kelley. It hadn’t occurred to my child’s mind that Kelley was also losing. Not only had he lost his mentor and friend, my father, but he had lost us, his surrogate family. When we left and didn’t come back, we had left him behind. My heart hurt at the notion, and my mind swirled at my own selfishness.

  I returned to the table with ice cream, four bowls and a different outlook on Kelley. He looked up and gave me a half smile that gave me hope before pointing at the carton of Butter Pecan.

  “I’ll take two scoops,” he said and went right back to his conversation with Robert. I scooped his ice cream and pushed the bowl in front of him before scooping some for Robert and then a small scoop of strawberry for myself, and finally, over ice cream, things started to warm up. The moment Robert told Kelley I had been driving the carts, his whole demeanor changed and he turned to me with a different face.

  “I always knew you had it in you, kid. I’m glad to hear you’re still at it. You’ve got the pedigree, the name, and if you’re anything like that little girl I knew, you’ve got the determination.” He dropped his eyes from mine and turned back to his ice cream. “I bet Robert here could find you a team to test for. What about that Robert? Have you done any looking?” He turned to my Uncle just shoving a too large bite of ice cream into his mouth. Robert paused, his eyes wide, he shook his head no as he closed his lips around the ice cream and feigned a full mouth to avoid the question.

  Kelley turned back towards me with a new light in his eyes and I could see another veil had been dropped; now we were getting somewhere.

  “This man has more connections than the Pope, his name is gold over here and he can find you a team. Don’t let his humble ass fool you Kiki,” as he said my name his mouth twisted in a grin that set my mind wandering, I liked that smile, I wanted that smile.

  Robert managed to salvage the conversation, turning Kelley’s attention to the new lineup for Maclaren and away from me, and the development team. They talked until the beer was gone and Aunt Ina had disappeared. Uncle Robert said his goodnights and stumbled up the stairs and I was left to walk Kelley out. He turned and caught me off guard, his face just inches from mine.

  “It was really good to catch up tonight, Kiki,” he extended his hand, taking a step back.

  Does he want to shake my hand? What the fuck is that? I just looked at his hand, and then to his eyes, and back to his hand.

  I slid my hand into his, it was warm and strong. “Yeah, it was.” Something pulsed between us as he squeezed my hand, causing him to let go abruptly and take his hand back. He furrowed his brow and I’m sure my face matched his. In confusion and silence, we stood like two idiots, not knowing what to
say to the other. Why was this so awkward? After a too long pause and a deep sigh, he broke the silence.

  “I gotta say I’m sorry Kiki, you really caught me off guard tonight. I wasn’t expecting to see you. Robert hadn’t mentioned that you were going to be here.” He stood with his hands in his pockets looking down at me, his expression unreadable. “I hadn’t thought about you in a very long time.” Ouch. There was no pretending that didn’t hurt.

  “I’m sorry I surprised you.” I dug a toe in the gravel, “Were you not happy to see me?” I looked up at him and his face twisted in thought. His lips parted and he popped his tongue, taking a deep breath before responding.

  “Uh,” he hesitated, “it’s been a long time.” He looked at me as if the answer was in those five little words.

  “Too long,” I said with a smile as he narrowed his eyes at me.

  “Right,” he sneered, and I didn’t for the life of me know why. “The last time I saw you, you were a little girl,” I smiled awkwardly, relieved to have an explanation, worried he was disappointed, or just didn’t care.

  “Well,” I spun dramatically, “as you can see I am no little girl.”

  “Yes, that’s plain as day,” he grinned, taking his hands from his pockets, keys at the ready. “Are you staying long?”

  “Indefinitely,” I returned. “I did the college thing, got my degree just as I promised mom I would. Now I want to drive, this is where I want to be.” He nodded and his full lips cracked into a sly grin. “Like you said, I am on the hunt for a team.”

  “There’s that one track mind I was always so fond of. I wish you all the luck, Kid,” he said in a most patronizing tone as he opened his car door. “Maybe we’ll see each other around,” he slid effortlessly into the low-slung sports car. He winked with a snide smile pulling the door shut and tore out of the gravel drive.