by Emily Woods
“I will. Good night,” he called after her, touching the brim of his hat and giving her a smile. But inside, he felt the hope he'd been nourishing dim a little.
Hot tears sprang to her eyes the minute the door closed behind her. This was the second time she’d come home upset after Carl brought her. Why was that?
The evening had been so enjoyable. She'd had such fun with Valerie, and after getting over her nerves, she'd had a lot of fun with the ranch hands. Even Georgina's showing up unannounced with her dreadful dish had added to the charm of the evening. So why did she feel so despondent now?
Finally, she had to admit that it was because of Carl. Although she'd enjoyed the attention he'd given her, she knew that encouraging him would be cruel. Her heart was no longer capable of love, not the way a man like Carl deserved.
She desperately wanted to be friends with Valerie, and to be around such lively people made her feel almost alive again. She hadn't laughed so much in years, but she couldn’t get involved. Regretfully, she’d have to establish a distance between her and Carl. If that was possible, then she wouldn't have to relinquish the connections she'd made tonight.
Wearily, she sat down on her bed and set down the candle she'd lit. Her eyes roamed the sparse cabin she'd been given as part of her salary. The lack of furnishings didn't bother her, but the loneliness did. She had no idea if she was punishing herself with this solitude or if it was all she was capable of now. For a moment, her gaze lingered on her mother's Bible. Every so often, she would hold it in her lap and caress the cover. The small gesture made her feel close to her mother, even if she never opened the book. She knew that there was comfort within, but she felt she didn’t deserve it. Moreover, she didn’t want it. She wanted to suffer because if she didn't, she worried she might forget them...her family.
Without taking her clothes off, Amanda lay down on the bed and tucked the Bible close to her chest. Tears rolled freely down her face and soaked the thin pillow beneath her head. As the night grew cold, she wrapped the thick quilt around her and eventually, cried herself to sleep.
A week later, Carl sat in the living room, his uncle's will on his lap, along with the letter from the lawyer that he had just received. Although he struggled to understand it and wanted to ask for help, he knew Kate and Luke were busy today. Aside from them, no one else knew his secret.
“I give all my t-tang-i-bel pro--prop-er-ties and all my po-pol-i-cies and pro-pro-ceeds of in—in—in...”
Releasing a long breath, he set the will aside. The lawyer wanted him to review it one more time to make sure he understood everything, but even most of the letter was beyond him. He wanted to ask for help, but he didn’t want to keep bothering Luke.
He didn't see Valerie standing behind him, a dishcloth in her hand.
“Want me to read that?” she asked softly. “I have some experience with professional letters and the like.”
Heat flamed his cheeks, but he handed it over, his head low. He thought he’d been able to keep his secret from her, but he should have known better. She was a sharp woman.
Valerie took a few minutes and then explained the contents to him. The lawyer just wanted to make sure that he knew not to give any of the money away as the will had directed him. If he agreed to that, he had to sign at the bottom and return the agreement to the lawyer's office.
“Thank you, Val,” he murmured. “I-I never thought I'd have a job where I'd have to read stuff like this. I didn't really pay much attention in school, but the teachers kept passing me because they thought it was kind.”
“Yes, I've heard that. They keep the troublemakers who do poorly behind, thinking it will teach them a lesson, but pass the nice students. In a way, I think the punishment is more on the teachers themselves.”
He nodded and scrawled his name at the bottom of the document. Valerie seemed deep in thought about something, her lips pursed as she tapped one of her fingers.
“What is it, Val?” he finally asked. When she hesitated, he prodded her. “Just say it.”
“Well, I'm just thinking that you're going to need to be able to read these kinds of things, and other contracts as well since you're a businessman now. Strong reading skills will keep you from making mistakes when you’re buying or selling.”
“I can read well enough for that,” he replied, a little more gruffly than he'd intended. “What were you thinking?”
Giving him a small smile, she patted his shoulder. “I think with a few lessons from a qualified professional, you'd be able to read better in no time.”
He blinked a few times before her meaning set in. “You want me to ask Amanda to teach me?” The idea was horrifying and exciting all at once. It would shame him to admit his limitations, but then he would have an excuse to be in her presence. They could become friends, and maybe one day...
“I'll do it!” he nearly shouted. When Valerie pulled back in surprise, he blushed, but didn't apologize. “I mean, you're right. I should do it. Teachers don't make too much money, do they? She'll be glad to get a little extra income, right?”
“I don't think she would mind it,” she answered mildly, a grin forming.
As much as he wanted this to work, he was unsure of himself.
“Will you ask her for me?” He knew that the two women had met at Valerie's house for coffee and a chat a couple of times since their dinner party, and Valerie was starting to refer to her as a good friend.
“Yes, I will ask her. When would you like to have lessons?”
That was a hard question. They both worked, but he thought he could fit lessons in twice a week, once on a Wednesday and once more on a Saturday. “If she doesn't mind,” he finished.
And it turned out that she didn't mind. In fact, she showed up the following Wednesday evening with a bright smile. Jacob stayed in the room with them so she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.
“There aren't too many men who would go to the trouble of improving their education,” she told him. “I admire that.”
Any shame he had felt about his lack of learning quickly melted away. Amanda admired him. That was worth any pride he had to give up.
She'd brought a few primers with her, but Carl was a little further along than that. When she realized that he needed something more challenging, she asked if he had any books in the house.
“Not really,” he said grimly. “But I have a Bible.”
Not seeing her hesitation, Carl went to fetch it. When he returned, she was sitting at the table quite still.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “Do you want some water or something?”
“Water would be good,” she said, her voice cracking. “Thank you.”
While he was getting it, Jacob told her, “It’s my mother's Bible. She made me bring it here for him as a kind of gift. It belonged to her mother. That's why it's kind of beat-up looking.”
She ran her hand over the leather cover. “It's beautiful,” she murmured.
Carl returned and handed her the water, which she gulped down. Then, with great care, she opened the Bible to the New Testament.
“I think we should start with the story of Jesus,” she said softly. “Let's read.”
Chapter 10
When she'd first agreed to Valerie's request to help improve Carl's reading, Amanda thought it would be a good chance to establish a solid friendship. Once she did that, she'd be able to share a little about her personal life and her reasons for wanting to remain single. Then, hopefully, she could have a small community of people with whom she could live in peace.
It hadn't escaped her notice that everyone on Triple Range seemed to profess a faith in God to one extent or another. Elise was very quiet about her faith, but that was her nature. Kate would talk about it passionately whenever the subject came up, but Marge would bring God into almost every conversation.
Amanda didn't mind these open shows of faith even though her own was lacking. In fact, she felt comforted that there were people who still believed in God's goodness and me
rcy. However, she doubted if any of them had suffered the way she had.
Now as she sat with the Bible on her lap, she felt torn. Should she leave and get some of her own books from the school or her house or just push through this evening and bring them next time? If she left, her actions might be construed as hostile toward the faith, the Bible and God, but that wouldn't be an accurate representation. She was just...flat.
She knew Genesis would be a challenge for Carl with all the hard names to pronounce, so she suggested starting in the New Testament. Also, the familiar story would make the reading easier.
“Let's start with verse eighteen,” she said, opting to skip the genealogy of Jesus.
Carl began reading about the birth of Jesus. Whenever he reached a word he didn't know, Amanda would write the word out on a piece of paper and teach him how to sound it out. He complained that the sounds changed all the time and she agreed with him. “English is a terrible language,” she joked, hoping that would help her push back the ache in her heart that the familiar story wrought. “Its origins are from German, but it borrows grammar and vocabulary from Latin and Greek as well as French and Dutch.”
“Now you're really sounding like a teacher,” Jacob joked from the other side of the room, where he was half-listening to the lesson.
“Yes, well, it's hard to stop once it starts,” she replied mildly, glad to have a diversion from one of her favorite stories in the Bible. That God would send His beloved Son to earth for sinful man...the idea still gave her shivers.
“Okay, well, let's keep going,” Carl said, bringing her back to the Word. Things became easier for him as he was able to guess a good number of words based on his memory of the story, but when he got to the baptism and temptation of Jesus, he stumbled over a number of them.
“Should we take a break?” Amanda asked, partly for his sake and partly for hers.
“Only if you want to,” he returned, but his eyes said no. This portion of his mind had lain nearly dormant for so many years that he was clearly excited to be using it again.
“No, let's go on. If you're fine, then so am I.”
Darkness was starting to settle and Jacob declared that he was ready for bed. Since Valerie and Thomas had left shortly after her arrival, the two of them would be alone and that was not at all proper, so she had an excuse to leave.
“Just let me finish chapter four,” he pleaded with them both. “It's only a few more verses.”
Both Jacob and Amanda relented, and listened as he read about Jesus healing the sick. Amanda felt her throat clog with emotion and the backs of her eyes started to burn with unshed tears.
“That was very good,” she managed to say. “I'm impressed. Now, I must really be going or I won't be able to stand up tomorrow.”
“I'll give you a ride,” Carl said, closing the Bible and standing up.
“Uh, no, thank you. I need the walk.”
“Then I'll walk with you,” he insisted.
She wanted to refuse him, but what excuse could she give?
“Thank you.”
As they made their way across the field, nearby cattle mooed in annoyance at being bothered. Normally she might have laughed and made a joke about disturbing their evening meal, but her heart and mind were too full.
“Beautiful night,” Carl commented. “Not too cold yet, but it will be soon.”
The October sky was brilliant with the light of the stars, but Amanda could barely see them. Still, she murmured her agreement. Her relief at the sight of her house was so great that she increased her speed to almost a run.
Carl's long stride increased to keep up with her. When they reached the door, he apologized.
“Whatever for?” she asked, momentarily surprised out of her gloomy mood.
“Well, I pulled you out of your home on such a cold night. I guess you were running to keep warm. It's mighty selfish of me. I'd come to your house, but of course...”
Of course he couldn't. Even if people didn't notice or care, she knew it wasn't right to be alone with him like that. “Oh, I usually walk fast,” she said carelessly. “And I'm happy to help you. Don't even worry about that.” The first part was a bit of a lie, but the second was true enough. “I'll see you again on Saturday?”
Carl hesitated. “Do you think it would be proper for us to meet after school in your classroom? That way I could come tomorrow instead.”
Again she was taken aback, but how could she refuse a person who was so hungry to learn?
“Um, it's a public place, technically speaking, so I suppose it would be alright.”
“And that'll save you from coming out in the night too.”
He was thinking of her comfort. How considerate of him, she thought.
“Certainly. And the classroom has the added benefit of all my supplies.” How good it would be to teach him with the books that had already been sent to her, courtesy of Wesley Crawford.
“Um, okay, but if you don't mind, I'd like to keep reading the Bible together as well.”
What could she say to that? “Of course. We'll do both, shall we?”
He nodded and shyly held out a coin. “For your trouble.”
Even though she knew that he wanted to pay her for her time, she couldn't bring herself to take the coin. “It was my pleasure to teach you, Mister Bowman. I don't need money. Your friendship is a reward in itself.”
She hoped in saying this, she could establish that there could be nothing more than simple friendship between the two of them, but she wasn't sure he caught her meaning. “Well, put it toward buying more supplies for the class then,” he insisted, continuing to hold out the coin.
Finally, she took it and gave him a little nod. “I'll do that. Good night.”
“Good night,” he echoed. “See you tomorrow.”
When she was safely inside, she once again collapsed against the door. Feeling depleted after being with Carl was becoming a pattern now.
“Jesus,” she whimpered. “If You could heal all those people of their illnesses, why couldn't You have healed at least one member of my family? Why did they all have to die?”
Head on her knees, she stayed in that position until her back and neck protested. Dragging herself toward her bed, she once again crawled in fully clothed and fell fast asleep.
Initially, Carl had been reluctant to hire so many men, but Thomas had insisted. Now he was glad because it meant he could leave the ranch for an hour or two in the middle of the afternoon and he wasn't missed.
“Hello?” he called out, knocking on the door frame after watching all the children leave for the day. Maddie had seen him and wondered what he was doing there, but he just told her he had business with her teacher.
“Come in,” Amanda called out from the front of the classroom. “I'm afraid the seats are a little small for you, so I just pulled a chair up to my desk.”
He took note of the placement. It wasn't very far away from where she sat, but neither was it close enough to invite any kind of contact. That was okay with him. He knew that he'd have to build her trust before she would share any kind of intimate information with him.
“Thanks again for this,” he said, giving her a soft smile. “It felt so good to be able to read my ma's Bible with you last night. You know, I haven't opened it since Jacob gave it to me. I knew I'd never get past the first page.”
A funny look that he couldn't interpret passed over her face, but then she nodded and gave him a small smile. “Yes. It's good to read the Word of God, isn't it?”
There was something a bit too formal in her demeanor, but he supposed it had to do with her being in her professional surroundings, so he just shrugged it off.
“For sure. Now, I marked the place we left off. It was Matthew chapter five, the be-bea...Huh. I feel like I should know this word.”
Amanda cleared her throat. “The, uh, beatitudes,” she supplied.
“Oh, right. This is the beginning of the, um, sermon on the mountainside, right?”
A
gain she nodded, her face solemn. “Some people say the Sermon on the Mount. Um, did you want to start with the Bible or maybe look at a few of these other books first?”
He cast a glance over to the small pile of books she had on her desk. They were clearly meant for children, and he really wanted to keep reading the Bible, but he also didn't want to offend her. “Well, whatever you want.”
A small smile crossed her face, and she motioned to his Bible. “Go ahead.”
To his surprise, she pulled out her own copy and flipped to the same section. He was a little disappointed because last night, they'd had to sit very close together as they shared his. Now there was no reason to lean in. Still, he pushed his feelings away and began reading.
It was hard to listen to the words of Jesus come out of Carl's mouth, and not because he read poorly. In fact, his rich tenor voice breathed life into the words like she hadn't heard in a long time. But it was hard to hear Jesus's promises, especially about those who mourn being comforted. She was mourning, and still not comforted.
The words rolled off his tongue, even the more difficult ones, and a real smile pulled the corners of her mouth. When he finished and looked up for her approval, she nodded a little.
“Well, either my teaching last night was miraculously good, or you have this part memorized.”
He grinned back at her. “My ma made us learn quite a few chunks of the Bible, and this was one of them. I'd just forgotten what they were called. What do you think beatitudes mean?”
Her face took on a faraway look as she recalled her mother's words. “They are special blessings for God's children,” she said softly, the truth of her own words nearly stealing her breath. “His promises for those who are faithful.”
Carl looked down at the words, tracing them with his finger. “Some are kind of peculiar, though. Don't you think? For example, what does it mean to be poor in spirit? Kind of sounds like a bad thing.”
Why was he asking her? She'd barely given God more than a passing thought since the flu took her family, and she didn't really want to now, but Carl's honest question caused the answer to spring from her lips, and answer that she remembered from a sermon she'd heard.