Hope for Her (Hope #1)

by Sydney Aaliyah Michelle

  Her brown hair contained pink and purple streaks. I reached out to touch it, and it slid out of my hands. I pushed her hair out of her eyes, and she had covered her eyelids in glittery crap.

  I pulled my hand away and looked down at my bare torso, covered in the same glitter shit.

  Where the fuck are my clothes?

  I pulled the blanket off the bed and covered my naked ass.

  When my eyes cooperated better, and I could focus on more than one object at a time, I stared at her bare tits and realized she was naked too.

  What did I do?

  I jumped up and stumbled in the direction of the bathroom. I threw up in the sink. The vomit contained only liquid, no food. The idea of food made me sick, and I threw up in the toilet this time.

  I fell to the tile floor in the bathroom.

  I slowed my breathing and attempted to stand up. My brain wasn't having it, and I concentrated on the connection of my cheek on the cold hard floor. The next thing I remembered was the high pitch voice of a girl calling me.

  "Mr. Sexy pants," she said in a sing-song voice, "Where did you go?"

  I raised my head, and my brain settled back in my skull. I lifted my body off the floor and crawled back into the bedroom.

  "Oh, there you are."

  I strained to locate her without hurting myself. Not an easy task. She moved around, and I followed, but lay back down before I got motion sickness.

  "I'm so sorry you got sick. You said you tried meth before. I figured you could hang."

  "Shhh."

  "Oh, sorry," she said in a quieter tone.

  "Where am I?" I asked.

  "At my place."

  "Where is your house?"

  "Tallahassee, Florida."

  "Ugh."

  "I know. I can be difficult. Where do you want to be?"

  Fueled by my growing anger, and the need to ignore the pain, I sat up.

  "Let's start from the beginning."

  "Well, Cade and I came to pick you up yesterday. We hit a few parties." She lay down next to me and placed her hand on my chest. I moved it off my chest and stared at her. "We went to one party and you knew a couple people, but you pretended not to because you were so loaded."

  "We went to my frat house?"

  "No, I don't think so. I'm not the frat house party kind of girl. No, come to think of it, we met him in the street."

  "Wait, I'm confused."

  "You got in a fight."

  "A fight?"

  "Yeah, that's where that came from." She pointed.

  I touched my eye and winced from the tender bruise.

  "What did the other guy look like?" I said and laughed, but stopped. It made me nauseous.

  "Oh, some other guys stopped the fight before the other guy could hit you."

  "What were we fighting about?"

  "I'm not sure. I think it had something to do with a car."

  "What?"

  "Yeah, you kept saying she's my car, and you can't have her."

  "Oh, shit. Carrington."

  "Oh, yeah, maybe that's it. You know someone named Carrington."

  "She's my girlfriend." I buried my head in my hands.

  "You have a girlfriend?" she asked.

  Touching, she seemed disappointed.

  "Yeah."

  "Well, don't worry. You didn't cheat on her. Well, not with me anyway."

  My head snapped up. "What?"

  "Yeah, we didn't do anything. I mean you were too far gone by the time we got home."

  "Why are we naked?"

  "You took your own clothes off, and I always sleep in the nude."

  I could never tell Carrington what happened, but I smiled at myself. I remained faithful.

  That's something, right?

  Candy filled me in on the rest of the night. My new friend happened to know my friend Cade who called me yesterday to tell me he wanted to party. As soon as she said Cade's name, I guessed the beginning and middle because I knew the end. Cade and I had met while I was attending Florida, and we had played this scenario out several times over the course of my freshman year.

  Ironic how when every an evening started with Cade, more times than not it ended with me in bed with a naked crazy chick covered in glitter.

  She explained our progression through the night. It included what I took, and it didn't surprise me. Addicts were creatures of habit, and my drug use regimen remained consistent. Made it easier to figure out how to recover from it or manage it the next time.

  I decided not to dwell on the whole four months of sobriety down the drain. I survived with only a bruised eye socket and possibly a new enemy, but I would figure it out later.

  ***

  Carrington Olivia Butler

  It took me forty-eight hours of being home to miss being at school. I missed Josh, too. He acted so strange when I left, but he said all the right things and I wanted to believe him.

  I spent time with my family and talked to my parents. They enjoyed hearing my FSU stories. They enjoyed the amusing Griffin stories –I left out the weird stuff -- and seemed relieved to hear I adjusted so well.

  "You know we were worried about you," Mom said.

  "Why?"

  "I don't know. You didn't seem like the adventurous type before, but look at you know. Living your own life."

  "Well, yeah, but I still need my parents."

  "Of course you do." My mom stared with her face scrunched up. She didn't understand.

  "I don't know. Before, I kind of felt like you guys didn't really want me around."

  "Why would you think that?"

  "How about you being practically giddy to get rid of me when you dropped me off on campus?"

  "Carrington, I was just excited for you to start college and happy you decided to make you own way."

  "Really?"

  "Carrington, you're right, I thought I was done with kids when you came along, but there was never a doubt that we wanted you."

  She sat down at the table and pulled me down next to her. "Is that why you've been so distance over the last two years?"

  "I guess."

  "Sweetie."

  "I just tried not to cause any waves. I wanted to hurry up and get out of your hair."

  "Carrington Olivia Butler," Mom said. I saw the hurt in her eyes. I rubbed my hands together.

  She stood up, walked over, and grabbed my hands. She pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back. We held each crying when Dad walked into the kitchen.

  "Is everything okay?" He stopped.

  "Just clearing up a few things."

  "Yeah, a silly misunderstanding."

  Mom and I laughed and wiped the tears from our eyes.

  After being home for a couple of days, I got the chance to hang out with my friends from high school. My best friend Laia invited everyone over at her house. I was looking forward to hanging out in her game room like we did in high school, but it felt so different now. Not comforting and familiar like I thought it would feel.

  "So, Carrington, tell us about your guy," Laia said. "I heard he's like some famous Florida guy."

  "He's not famous. His family is well known in that part of Florida."

  "Is this him?" another friend asked. She pulled up a photo of Josh and his family on her phone.

  "His brother-in-law is Brian Burkett?" Julia asked.

  "Did you meet him?"

  "Yeah, he's a dick," I said, "Isn't Josh cute?" I showed them a photo of us on my phone.

  "He is cute," Laia said. She grabbed my phone and flipped through more photos. She stopped on a photo of Jackson. "Okay, I'm transferring tomorrow?"

  "Wow. Who is he? He's gorgeous," Julia said.

  "That's Jackson. He's just a friend."

  "I didn't know the guys in Florida looked like that," Julia said as she fanned herself.

  "So, Laia, how many new guys in your life?" I asked, anxious to get the subject off of my life and back on someone else.

  #

  My brother and his family ar
rived on Christmas Eve. I played with my nephews. We opened gifts, ate too much, laughed, and laughed some more.

  Besides my brother telling me that I gained weight, we all got along. On Christmas night, to escape the chaos of the house, I headed into the backyard to call Josh. The last time we spoke was at the airport. I wanted to check on him and wish him a Merry Christmas.

  When I dialed the number, someone answered, but then hung up. I sat staring at the phone, and when it rang back, I jumped.

  "Hey, Carrington, baby. Hi."

  His sweet voice made me smile.

  "Hey Josh, Merry Christmas." I wiped the tears from my eyes, not sure why I was crying.

  "Merry Christmas. How was your day?" he asked.

  "It was good. Ate too much turkey." I tried to keep it light, but I wanted so bad to see him. "How was your day? Where are you?"

  "I'm at Jackson's house."

  "Oh, yeah."

  "Yeah, we're heading back to the kitchen for leftovers."

  "Oh, well, I'll let you go."

  "No, it's okay. It's good to hear your voice."

  "Yeah, you too. I miss you."

  "Me, too."

  "I was thinking, if you're not doing anything, why don't you come to Dallas for New Year's Eve."

  "I thought-"

  "Never mind about that, I want to see you."

  "I don't think it’s a good idea. You were right. I’ve been a little possessive lately, but I am fine and I can’t wait to see you when you get back."

  His last statement made me wonder if he and Jackson had been talking.

  "Oh. Okay."

  "I'm glad you called and I can't wait to see you next semester."

  "Yeah, me too."

  "Bye."

  "Bye." I hung up the phone and buried my head in my hands. He seemed fine. He sounded good but he sounded different. Maybe he was taking this time apart to think about things, too. I hope he still wanted me because the thought of returning to campus and not being with someone made me feel worse.

  #

  The day after Christmas, my brother headed home, and my friends were heading to New Orleans for New Year’s, but I decided to stay in Dallas. I had a cold, and the thought of getting crazy in New Orleans exhausted me.

  I stayed at home while my parents went out to a party. I grabbed a blanket and set up in front of the TV watching It's a Wonderful Life, eating Christmas cookies, and drinking hot chocolate.

  I got up to get another cup when my phone rang. I flopped back down and pushed the blanket away until I found my phone.

  "Oh, hey. I didn't think you would answer; I was going to leave a message."

  It took me a minute to place the voice, but the smile spread across my face as I pictured his bright blue eyes and gorgeous features on the other end of the phone. I kept my voice neutral, but if he could see my face.

  "Jackson."

  "Yeah," he said and laughed. He sounded adorable and a little drunk. "Happy New Year."

  "Not quite."

  "It is here. I wanted to be the first to wish you a Happy New Year."

  "Why are you so obsessed with who is first and who is second?"

  He grunted and laughed out loud, which made me cover my mouth before letting out one of my notorious snorts.

  "Happy New Year, Carrington," he said.

  I removed the phone from my ear to avoid bursting an eardrum.

  "Where are you?"

  "I was at a party, but heading back to the frat now. Our last night to go crazy before we're on lockdown before the bowl game. I wish you were here. I had no one to kiss at midnight."

  "Even if I was there, you're not allowed. Guy code, remember."

  "Oh yeah, I forgot," he said. He said something inaudible.

  "What?"

  "I said, why was I such a stupid idiot. I should have claimed you when I had the chance."

  "As flattering as I am to be claimed by someone, things happened the way they were supposed to. Right?"

  "You don't really believe that do you?" he asked. I heard a muffled sound followed by a thud. "Whoa, I'm okay."

  "Jackson, are you alone?"

  "No, I'm not alone. I'm talking to you."

  "I mean do you know where you're going. Please don't make me worry about you."

  "No, I'm good. I made it home. I'm going to hang up now."

  "Jackson," I yelled, but he put the phone down. I heard other voices in the background. I listened as he clomped up the stairs.

  "Hello."

  "Jackson."

  "Carrington, Happy New Year."

  "Are you safe?" I asked.

  "I'm safe. I'm tired. I miss you."

  "Okay. Goodnight."

  "Goodnight."

  He hung up the phone this time. I crawled back under the covers and pulled them tight around my neck.

  When Jackson told me he missed me, I knew how much I wanted to be with him and it broke my heart. Life was so unfair.

  I hated Jackson for not coming after me.

  I hated Josh for pursuing me.

  I hated myself the most for cheating myself out of the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

  Happy fucking New Year!

  By morning I convinced myself that I had nothing to feel guilty about.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Joshua Elijah Griffin, IV

  I spent the rest of winter break recovering from my night in the freak zone. By the time Carrington was due back, there were no signs of the bruise around my eye.

  The fight, it turns out, wasn't a fight after all. Back at the frat house, Jackson filled me in.

  I ran into Jackson outside of a bar in downtown Tallahassee. He and his teammates were out celebrating the night after finals.

  He mentioned Carrington, and I noticed the look in his eye when he said her name. He looked the way I felt. My body tensed, and I went after him. My best friend was in love with my girlfriend. I needed to protect our relationship, or she would leave me for him for sure. He said nothing happened, but in my current state of paranoia, I assumed they hooked up and he took her away from me.

  When Jackson told me later about the pretty pathetic display on my part, I cringed. His teammates stood between us and I ran into one of their elbows when I went after him.

  "What happened man?" Jackson said. "You were doing so well."

  "I don't know. Carrington, man. I don't know. I don't know how to do this."

  "Well, you can't stay here."

  "I can't go home."

  "Why don't you go see her?"

  "No, not yet. If I go see her, she will know something happened and she will leave me. I can't. She can't leave me."

  "Okay, well, come home with me. Let my mom spoil you. They would love to have you."

  I ended up spending the rest of winter break at Jackson's family's house. I'd always been close to Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell; it was nice being a part of an ordinary family for a change.

  I drove back to Tallahassee the night before the BCS bowl game. I wanted to go to the game, but I wanted to see Carrington, too. She was schedule to return the same day.

  She asked me to come visit her. Ironically, if she had allowed me to come in the first place, I would not be in this mess.

  Her flight got in around two pm. The city seemed empty. Most of the student took the trip to New Orleans for the bowl game. I met her at the curb, and we approached each other with caution.

  I wanted to grab her and hug her and never let her go.

  I wasn't going to tell her what happened, but I thought she would know. She would be able to read it on my face or smell it on me.

  Jackson kept my secret. I thought something was going on between them, but again, he gave me no reason to doubt his word after all he did for me. He was a better friend to me than I deserved.

  Spending time with his family was the best thing for me, but standing in front of Carrington, wanting her more than when she left—part of me wished I'd taken a fatal dose to prevent her the pain someo
ne like me could invariable do to a sweet and kind person like her.

  She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me close. She kissed my cheek and my neck. I squeezed her tight, and she responded by melting into me.

  "I missed you," she whispered into my neck. Her voice made my heart and pants swell.

  I leaned back. Her eyes were red-rimmed and wet, and I swiped a tear as it dropped and kissed her lips. Soft at first, waiting for her to let me know how far and how fast.

  Letting her take the lead, it wasn’t so hard with Carrington.

  We drove back to the empty frat house. We had the place to ourselves. I had picked up food earlier, and we prepared a little picnic in the theater and waited for the game to start.

  "Did you have a good time at home?"

  "Yeah. Got a chance to relax, but I had a cold the entire time."

  "What did you end up doing for New Year’s?" I asked.

  "I sat in front of the television watching movies and eating Christmas cookies. My parents went to a party."

  "Oh, geez, was it okay?"

  "No, I actually had fun."

  "I am sorry I couldn't come to Dallas."

  "No, I am glad you didn't. I needed some time to be on my own. To think."

  "What did you think about?"

  "Mainly how I couldn't wait to get back to school."

  "To see me."

  "Maybe." Her coyness made her seem like the girl I met at the beginning of the semester. I took some of her innocence away. I needed to regain her trust. I needed to play it cool. We needed to find our connection again.

  We finished the food and watched the game. As the night wore on, we grew more comfortable with each other. We hung out as friends. Laughed and joked around. I teased her on her lack of football knowledge and we made fun of each other.

  I had a moment of self-doubt when she smiled as they announced Jackson during player introductions. I watched her to see any sign of an emotional reaction. If it was there, she hid it well. We cheered on the Seminoles, and they kicked Alabama's ass. Jackson won MVP of the game, and we sent him messages congratulating him on his victory.

  When the game ended, I offered to take her home, but she wanted to stay. We headed up to my room. We took our time, made out like teenagers, kissing each other until I needed to feel her skin next to mine. I undressed her, taking my time to kiss each part of her exposed skin.