Snapped (Urban Renaissance)

by McKinney, Tina Brooks

  “Okay,” I said.

  “Can I come see you tomorrow?”

  I could hear the desperation in his voice, and even though this wasn’t the first time we’d slept in separate beds since we’d been married, it was the first time that either of us had gone to sleep unhappy or sad. “Yeah, I doubt if I’ll feel like going into work tomorrow.

  “Fine, see you tomorrow.”

  Merlin knew that if I called into work, I had to be feeling pretty bad. He hung up the phone quickly. I wanted to call him back to assure him things would be okay, but I had no idea where he was. More importantly, I didn’t know who he was with.

  A tiny devil landed on my shoulder and whispered in my ear: He’s probably out fucking someone else. Serves you right for kicking him out of his own home.

  “Stop it,” I yelled into our empty apartment. I felt like I was losing my mind. I got up from the bed and began pacing the room. I didn’t want to start speculating on where he was, but the seed had been planted. I snatched the phone from the wall and tried to call him back. I was going to tell him to come home, even if it meant I would have to sleep on the sofa.

  I dialed the fast access code to display the last caller, but unfortunately the number was blocked. “Damn.” I dialed his cell phone and it went to his voice mail. I didn’t leave a message so he wouldn’t think I was weak. I shoved the phone back onto the cradle and continued to pace the floor. The phone rang and scared the shit out of me. I snatched it before it could ring a second time. “Hello.” I was ready to have my husband home.

  “Let me speak to Merlin.”

  Anger replaced the fear that had just vacated my heart as I struggled to maintain my composure. My mother-in-law was the last person on the planet I wanted to speak with at this particular time. What made her call after so long anyway? Ignoring the fact that she didn’t even say hello, I answered her, “He’s not here at the moment.” My hand stood poised to disconnect the phone.

  “Where is he?” she demanded.

  I wanted to tell her it was none of her fucking business, but I held my tongue. “Out,” I replied. Over the years I had tried a few times without Merlin’s knowledge to make friends with this woman, but she made it very clear she wasn’t interested in being my friend. I wasn’t the one who ruined her wedding.

  “Now you listen here, missy: I want to speak to my son, and I want to speak to him now.

  “I’ll be sure to tell him when he gets home.” I hung up the phone before she could say anything else. That simple act of defiance made me feel better. I went back into the living room, curled up on the sofa, and went to sleep.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  GAVIN MILLS

  When I looked up, my mother was standing in the doorway to my room.

  “I can’t believe that bitch hung up on me,” she said.

  “What bitch?” I was standing in my underwear, and she didn’t even have the decency to knock on the door or turn away when she realized that I didn’t have any clothes on.

  “That bitch your stupid-ass brother married.”

  I struggled to hide my irritation as I pulled on my socks. My mother’s tirades were nothing new to me because she hated everybody or thought they were stupid. I grabbed my pants from the bottom of the bed and slid my legs into them as I turned and faced my mother. If she was the least bit embarrassed about seeing me in a state of half dress, she didn’t show it.

  “Why she got to be a bitch?” I zipped up my pants and reached for my shirt. I changed my mind about taking a nap. I wanted to go out to get something to eat and a beer.

  “Are you taking her side now?” She had this crazy look in her eyes, and I instantly regretted saying anything at all.

  I should have agreed with her and kept it moving. “No, Mother, I’m not taking sides.”

  “Good, because I was about to send your ass packing tonight.”

  I ignored her as I put on my shoes.

  “Where are you going? I thought you were going to take a nap.”

  “I was, but I got hungry, so I was going to go out and grab me something to eat.”

  “I thought you said you didn’t have any money.” She eyed me skeptically.

  For a minute, I thought she was going to demand that I empty my pockets like she did when I was a kid. “I got enough to grab a burger and some fries.”

  “Umph. If I were you, I’d save that money just in case you find yourself out on the street.” She turned and left my room.

  The veiled threat hung in the room like a stale fart. I was going to have to do something about my financial situation quick, fast, and in a hurry. “Can I make a sandwich then?”

  “Yeah, but don’t make a mess.” My mother was a real piece of work. She didn’t want me to go out, but she didn’t want me there with her, either.

  “I won’t. Do you want me to make you a sandwich too?” I didn’t really want to fix her a sandwich, but I knew that if I didn’t offer, I would have to hear her mouth for the next twenty- four hours.

  “No, I ate already.”

  I wanted to ask her why she didn’t bother to share her food with me, but I let it go. I learned a long time ago to pick my battles with my mother. Since I was not in a position to do any better for myself, I would just have to suck this one up.

  Opening the refrigerator, I searched the practically barren box. The only things close to edible were a few pieces of cheese and some questionable bologna. “Dag, Ma, how long has this stuff been in here?” I brought the bologna to my nose, but immediately pulled it back.

  “What?”

  “Never mind.” My appetite had suddenly gone away. I walked back into the living room.

  “You ate already?”

  “Naw, I changed my mind.” I sat down in the loveseat across from my mother.

  She didn’t even look at me. She was watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta, a reality show everyone seemed to enjoy. Even the dudes in prison watched it every week. I was surprised she was watching the show because she had not a housewife bone in her body.

  “You actually watch this shit?” I did not attempt to hide my personal feelings about the show, which was about a bunch of broads living off their husbands’ success. It would have been different if at least one of the ladies had something going for herself other than marrying well.

  “Watch your language.”

  With the exception of the television, the room was silent. If I’d had a television in my room, I would have gone in there to watch it, but the room only contained a bed. “How long have you lived here?”

  My mother tore her eyes away from the tube. “Huh?”

  “This apartment. When did you move in?”

  She took her sweet time answering me, and I was beginning to believe that she had placed me on ignore status. “Why?”

  “No reason, I was just making conversation.”

  She settled back onto the sofa and continued to ignore me. “I ain’t stupid. You are looking for an excuse from me for moving and not letting you know, but I don’t have one. If you hadn’t taken someone s life, you would have known what I was up to.”

  I was silent for a moment. “It was an accident.”

  “I know that, but it doesn’t change the price of tea in China.”

  “What does China have to do with any fucking thing?”

  “Don’t you get snippy with me. I don’t have to tell you anything. I’m your mother.”

  “Mom, I am not blaming you for anything you’ve done. Obviously, you did what you thought you had to do. I was just trying to find out where my shit is.”

  “Your shit, as you call it, was thrown out in the trash. I never expected to see you again, and I damn sure wasn’t going to cart around that crap with me.”

  A pain settled deep in my heart. I hated my brother for turning a once loving woman into a callous bitch. “You used to love us?” My voice was barely above a whisper.

  “You stupid bastard. How the hell could you form your lips to say that to me? If I didn
’t love your stinking ass, I would not have gone through the pain of raising you instead of my own.’

  I was sick of hearing about the child she wanted. It didn’t have anything to do with me. “Don’t ever call me stupid again. I may be a bastard but that was beyond my control.” I threw my head back in defiance. While I was locked up I’d grown used to expressing myself, but now was not the time to share this.

  “Excuse me? Who the hell do you think you are talkin to?

  Reality struck me in the face. I was staying with this woman who made all the difference in the world to my comfort. Hell, it wasn’t the best existence, but it was the only one I had at the moment. “Mother, I’m sorry. I lost my head.” I practically choked on the words as they left my mouth.

  “Humph. You damn sure did. I didn’t have to take your ass in. I’ve done my job with raising you two boys, and what thanks did I get? Nothing. Both of you shit on me every chance you get.”

  “Mom, I said I was sorry. You’ve always been there for me.” She knew I was lying but didn’t bother to correct me. Truth be told, she was the first one to sell me out when the police tried to figure out which twin had pushed Cheryl. Mother told them that it was me who had taken off in Merlin’s car.

  “You got that right. I’ve always been here for you and Merlin, but you made my life hell while you were here, and I don’t intend to go through that shit again. So if you are even thinking about starting some trouble, you can just get your shit and go.”

  What shit? I didn’t have anything and she knew it. My blood started to boil as I struggled not to respond to her latest jab. “I see that I have awakened some bad memories. I’m going to bed because I don’t want you going back down memory lane. It wasn’t good the first time, and I don’t feel like going there again.”

  “Stop it. I don’t base my opinions of you on the past. I’m thinking of the here and now, and you are nothing to be proud of. You were worthless when you were born. Your damn daddy did that to you. I tried to beat that shit out of you, but I know who you are—you are rottten.”

  “Mother, you are talking crazy.” The words slipped out of my mouth before I could catch them. I spent my entire life in my brother’s shadow, and it hurt to be reminded of it now. Even though I wanted to fight her on this issue, I could not afford to because, at the end of the day, I still needed a place to stay.

  Her words hurt me to my heart, but I would not allow her to see the pain she had caused me. I wanted her to know that she was the only woman who I cared about, but she couldn’t see me for my brother. He was the object of my hate!

  “Momma, are you saying that you never loved me?” IThis time I wasn’t asking if she loved my brother and I.

  “Of course I loved you. What choice did I have? That doesn’t change the fact that you’re evil. You don’t have the same thought process as your brother. Everything is twisted for you.”

  “And how much do you play into the that? I am a product of my environment.”

  She had gone too far. I only had love for her, and she turned it all around.

  “I will not take the blame for that. Your father’ s sperm destroyed you.”

  “Is that how you really feel about me?” My heart sunk into my chest. I never believed that my own mother had such a low opinion of me. If I was thinking clearly, I would have understood that this anger was with my father and not me, but I wasn’t there yet.

  “I raised you, wasn’t that enough? I can think what I want. You were a disappointment to me back then. Now you have to make your own way. I’m done.”

  “Why? Why was I a disappointment? I was a fucking kid.”

  “’Cause you were just like your damn daddy.”

  “Your issue is with my father and not me!”

  “You are right about that. I do have issues with your father, but your father has not shown up on my doorstep asking to move back in. You did!”

  “But what about your influence? Didn’t you have a part in shaping me into the man I am today?”

  “So are you tryin’ to say I made you the failure that you are?” She planted her hands on her hips, and I wanted to slap the hell out of her.

  I was not a failure, and I was bound and determined to prove it to her. “I’m not a failure.” My chest was heaving. I was so hurt by the words coming out of her mouth, I wanted to slam my fist into her face. “I’ll admit I wasn’t the best child a parent could have, but I was never a failure.”

  “The proof is in the puddin’. You will have to prove it to me ’cause I’m not about to take your word on it. As far as I can tell, you don’t have shit, you still don’t want shit, and you ain’t never going to be shit.” She turned away as if the conversation were over.

  “How you gonna say some shit like this to me and just walk away? Your ass ain’t perfect either.” I knew I was out of line, but she wasn’t going to continue talking to me out of the side of her mouth without my saying something. I didn’t ask her to raise me. Hell, I didn’t even ask to be born, and she was punishing me for both of those things that I didn’t have any control over.

  “Nigga, have you lost your motherfucking mind? I ain’t some hood chick you done met on the street, I’m your momma.”

  I wanted to scream at her and tell her she needed to act the fuck like a momma, but I didn’t. Instead I seethed inside. Regardless of what she thought, I treated people—friends and family alike—just as I had been treated all my life. If my ways were fucked up or unconventional, it was because I didn’t know any better. “I’m sorry you feel this way, but have you ever thought about how I feel?” The words burned as they exited my mouth.

  She had only been thinking about herself for years, and I was sick and tired of that shit.

  “You damn right you’re sorry. I have half a mind to kick your stupid ass right out of my house, but I’m a woman and women don’t treat men like that.” As usual, she focused on what she wanted to hear and not what I said.

  “Okay, Ma, I’m just delusional. Please forgive me.” I was ready to leave before I said something that would force me to take up residence in a homeless shelter or some other shit like that.

  “I just need you to get out my face. Go on back in your room. I’ll deal with your ass tomorrow.” She held a bottle of gin around the neck and was swinging it as she spoke.

  When I saw the bottle, I knew that there would be no reasoning with her, so I quickly left the room and said a silent prayer that she would go into her own room and go to sleep. Walking away without telling my mother exactly what I thought about her was probably one of the hardest things I’d done in quite a while, and it left a sour taste in my mouth. The urge to hit her was so overwhelming I could actually feel it.

  “Stankin’ bitch,” I retorted as I quietly shut the door to my room. I wasn’t sure about what I was going to do about my future, but I damn sure knew I would have to make a decision soon. I wouldn’t be able to continue living under my mother’s roof if this was any indication of how things were going to go.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  COJO MILLS

  My fingers were trembling when I hung up the phone. Why did I ever agree to see him tomorrow? I had to remain strong. Merlin had to know that what happened between us was totally unacceptable. He had to know I was not going to tolerate being his punching bag no matter what—I didn’t care what the circumstances were.

  He should know I was not the one. I told him I had watched my mother go through it, and I wasn’t interested in following in her footsteps. Compassion nagged at my resolve. I loved Merlin liked I’d loved no other, but I was not going to relive the horror my mother went through. I’d just as soon end up alone for the rest of my life if I was going to travel down that road.

  As much as I wanted to believe my husband that this was an isolated incident, I needed some answers from some people who knew him longer than I did. We had dated for a few months when I started going to his school in the twelfth grade, and we married right after graduation.

  I picked
up the phone, but embarrassment made me hang it up. There was no one in our lives who I was willing to confess my troubles to. Tiffany and Braxton went to school with Merlin long before I did, but I was going to have to deal with this situation all by myself. Hanging up the phone was a humbling experience. Once again I felt alone, and I never thought I would feel that way again when I married Merlin.

  I am an only child. My mother died when I was eight. My father remarried when I was twelve, and I lost the love of the only person in life who mattered to me. My dad emotionally abandoned me when he started caring for his new wife. She had three daughters, and I got lost in the sauce. He didn’t turn me out into the streets, but for most of my life, I felt like I was on a deserted island. We moved from Baltimore to Georgia in my senior year, and I found someone to share my island with.

  Merlin had thrown me a raft of love, but now I didn’t know if this was a raft of love or of entrapment. Had I set myself up for failure by depending on him? Questions kept ringing in my head as I tried to make heads or tails out of what had happened in our home.

  Merlin was a first for me: the first man who I had relations with; the first man who I’d loved; and the only man who I wanted in my life forever. But he showed me a side of him tonight that scared the fuck out of me.

  Was I wrong about giving this man my love? This thought replayed in my head like a damn mallet beating against a hollow surface, and each beat hurt like a pointed dagger stuck in my heart. I couldn’t figure out who I was maddest at: Merlin, for not believing that I was deceived by his brother, or Gavin, for taking advantage of my forced celibacy.

  “Bitch, please, I will not let you turn this around on me,” I said aloud. Blaming myself would be easy for me. I was always hardest on myself, but this time I hadn’t done anything wrong. I looked around the room as if someone were there to witness my mental breakdown, but thankfully I was alone. My shoulders heaved when I realized I was alone, but my heart hurt when I realized that I was on a deserted island by myself again.

  “Dear God, what have I done to deserve this?” I wailed at the ceiling. I buried my head into my pillow. I tried to burrow deep, but my head kept bopping up because I knew in my heart I didn’t do anything to deserve this pain that I was going through.