by Janice Lynn
“You heard me.”
Yep, she’d heard him all right.
“I’m probably not pregnant.” And even if she was, she wouldn’t get married like this. What made him think she would?
“You might be.”
“I might not be,” she insisted, panic bubbling up her throat. The car seemed to be closing in around her, trapping her, claustrophobia overcoming her, threatening to steal her ability to remain calm. She reached over with her free hand to crack the window, to let in some air. “This is crazy.”
He didn’t deny her words, just nodded. “Having unprotected sex was crazy. This is facing the repercussions.”
“What repercussions?” she demanded, trying to pull her hand away but only managing to have him pull her closer to him. “Do you have some magical medical way of knowing I’m pregnant? Because you’re starting to freak me out a little.”
“I’m trying to be realistic here, Madison, like you said you were being earlier. If you are pregnant, we need to marry as quickly as possible.”
“Because?”
“Because you’ll start showing and our kid will be able to count back the days and know…”
“Know what?”
“Know he or she was conceived out of wedlock.”
Madison snorted. She couldn’t help herself. “That’s no reason for us to marry. Kids have been counting back and coming up short on the months for centuries, Levi.”
“Not my kid.”
Madison stared blankly at him, not quite believing they were having this conversation, not quite believing she’d made love with him, sweet, passionate love, and now they were having a conversation about babies and marriage and counting months.
It was enough to make her puke.
Not that she could do that. He’d have her marching down the aisle if she so much as hinted at nausea. Not that her nausea had a thing to do with pregnancy. Just sickness at their current conversation.
At least, she hoped it wasn’t anything to do with pregnancy.
Yet there was the late menstrual period.
He must have seen the panic in her expression, because his own expression gentled. “I take it you’ve not had a period?”
She wanted to lie, to tell him that of course she had because she wasn’t pregnant. But she couldn’t.
“I’m a little late. But I’m sure it’s just stress.”
He nodded as if she’d only confirmed what he already knew. What she already knew. That she hadn’t had a menstrual period and wouldn’t.
Because she was pregnant with his baby.
Levi wondered what was taking Madison so long. The test box had said three minutes. She’d been in his bathroom for over fifteen.
His bathroom because she hadn’t wanted to do the test where Karen might see.
Not that her roommate didn’t know exactly what had happened between them. Even if Madison hadn’t told her, how could she not when Madison had looked like death on a cracker for days?
Beautiful and pale and fragile and pregnant?
Her hollowed-out look had filled him with guilt, had haunted him, mocked him with reminders of how his mother had looked after she and his father had split.
His father. Levi dropped his head into his hands. Lord, what was he going to do about his father? The man was his only living family.
Or was he?
Unable to wait another moment, he knocked on his bathroom door. “Madison, you okay?”
Nothing. Not a single sound.
“Madison?”
Was she still freaked out about his impromptu marriage proposal? He was still freaked out about his impromptu marriage proposal.
He’d never expected to hear those particular words leave his mouth. Not ever. Had his father’s mocking question planted the idea in his head? Was that why the words had slipped out?
Madison had given him every opportunity to retract them, had practically demanded that he do so.
And he hadn’t.
Because he didn’t want to.
If she was pregnant with his baby, he wanted to marry her, to give their child his name.
To raise their baby by her side.
He’d watched her with patients at the hospital. She’d make a good mother.
Which was a good thing since he wasn’t so sure what kind of father he’d be. Just look at the example he’d had.
But he would love any child he’d helped create, of that he had no doubt. Had they made a baby?
He pounded on the door again. “Madison?”
Still nothing.
Growing concerned at her silence, he twisted the doorhandle. Locked. “Madison, unlock the door.”
That was when he heard it.
A muffled sob.
He knew what the test had shown.
Pregnant.
She wasn’t happy about having his child inside her.
She shouldn’t be alone, shouldn’t have to deal with the results she hadn’t wanted to see, not alone.
“Madison, sweetheart, let me in.” Or he was going to knock the door down.
Checking the lock, he realized he could easily jimmy it with a credit card, and did so.
What met his eyes shattered his heart into a million pieces, would haunt him for ever.
Madison huddled on the floor, her arms wrapped around her knees, her face buried in the cradle of her arms, her shoulders shaking with silent tears.
Oh, Madison. I’m sorry. So very sorry I did this to you.
Only part of him wasn’t.
Part of him liked the thought of his baby growing inside her. A very male part that was full of pride. Probably some Neanderthal reaction to natural animal instinct, survival of the species kind of thing. But he did have a surge of unexpected pride.
A surge of pride that filled him with guilt when her sorrowful eyes lifted to his, full of disillusionment and pain.
She didn’t want their baby, didn’t want what he’d done to her. There shouldn’t be any part of him happy when she was so miserable.
Tears streaked down her splotchy face.
Lots of tears. And judging by her red, swollen eyes he’d say she’d been crying for quite some time.
Why hadn’t he insisted she let him in sooner? Popped the lock sooner?
Instantly, he dropped to his knees and pulled her into his arms. “Oh, Madison, sweetheart, I’m sorry.”
Sorry for his surge of pride. Sorry for losing his head and not protecting her. Sorry his father’s blood ran through his veins. Sorry that the way he’d felt about her had scared him, had prompted him to stay away from her for the past month. Sorry for the pain in her eyes.
For that he was most sorry.
He didn’t want her unhappy that his baby grew inside her. He wanted her to share that seed of excitement building within him, for them to build on this beginning and have a future together.
What had he expected? That she’d be glad he’d impregnated her?
When really he’d just been trying to protect his own sorry hind end because making love to Madison had been different.
She’d been different from the beginning.
He’d sensed that, had planned to immediately ask her out because he’d known she was different even if he’d wondered if his reaction wasn’t just related to his father calling him a chip off the ole block. But he’d overheard that conversation with Karen and had used it as a barrier to keep distance between them.
Because with Madison he’d be risking more than he’d ever risked with any woman.
His heart.
His heart that ached at the pain wracking her frail body. “Oh, sweetheart.”
She sucked in air between sobs and he tightened his hold, brushed his lips over the softness of her hair. “Shh, it’s okay, Madison. You won’t have to do this alone. I’ll be here for you and our baby. Always.”
Another sob wrenched her body, tearing at his soul.
She shook her head. “You…don’t…understand,” she got out between hiccups.
>
“I know I haven’t been here for you. I’m sorry for that.” More sorry than he’d be able to convey in a lifetime. “I needed to work through some things, to work through my feelings about what happened between us. But it’s okay. I want our baby.”
If he’d thought her eyes had held pain before, he’d been wrong. Never had he seen the raw ache her green gaze held. Never did he want to see such devastation again.
Fresh tears flooded down her cheeks.
“I’m not pregnant.” Each word was like someone had speared her heart.
Sure he’d heard her wrong, Levi pulled back, lifted her chin so he could stare directly into her red-rimmed eyes. “What did you say?”
Her lower lip trembled, her nose ran, her eyes looked bleak. “There is no baby. The test was negative.”
Levi dropped back on his heels from where he’d been on his knees, holding her. Mentally, he dropped into a bottomless pit and just kept falling.
And falling.
No baby? The test was negative?
“Madison?” He glanced into her devastated face, tried to make sense of what he saw. “But why…?”
Her lower lip disappeared between her teeth and she grimaced, shrugged.
He cradled her face in his palms, forcing her to meet his gaze head on. “Madison, sweetheart, I don’t understand.”
Unless… Had she wanted their baby? Wanted to be pregnant with his child? Was she upset that the test had been negative? Was that even possible? Did he want her to be upset that the test had been negative?
And if he did, then what was he going to do to rectify the situation?
Madison couldn’t believe her test results. No second little blue line. Not pregnant.
Obviously at some point over the past few weeks she’d started believing she was pregnant when her menstrual period had failed to arrive on time, had started believing a tiny life grew inside her, and had started to cherish that tiny life even if she hadn’t admitted any of those things to herself.
But failing to see that second line, realizing that her womb was empty, didn’t hold Levi’s child, well, she’d fallen into grief like none she’d ever known.
Grief for the loss of a baby who had never existed outside her mind.
“I feel so lost,” she cried, hating that she was revealing so much to him, hating that she couldn’t hold her pain inside, that she wanted to lean against his chest, to let him soak up her hurt and make her feel okay again. “It’s silly to mourn someone who never really existed, but in my mind I believed our baby was inside me. I ache knowing he or she isn’t.”
“Oh, Madison,” he whispered, holding her close, pressing another kiss to the top of her head. If only she could allow herself to accept his comfort. But how could she when she was mourning a baby he hadn’t wanted to begin with?
She closed her eyes to shield the mirrors to her soul from his probing gaze. She didn’t want him to see how she ached over news that would make him shout with joy from the rooftop.
But when he just continued to hold her, to murmur her name and press soft kisses against her hair, she opened her eyes, pulled back to stare at him in confusion.
“Didn’t you hear me, Levi? I’m not pregnant.” She paused, swallowed her pain, and closed her eyes again because she couldn’t bear seeing the relief sure to wash over his face. “I never was. You don’t have to do this, don’t have to pretend that you care. You don’t even have to be nice to me. Maybe even it would be better if you weren’t.”
“Open your eyes, Madison.”
At his softly spoken order she closed her lids all the tighter. She didn’t want to look at him, didn’t want to crave those dark chocolate eyes, didn’t want to see delight about something that tore a hole in her heart.
“No worries,” she ground out, trying not to sound so sad. “There’s no reason for you to marry me.”
“Sure there is.”
Those three little words had her eyes popping open despite her resolve to shield herself from him.
“I want you in my life, Madison.”
She swallowed, not sure how that tied in with his reason to marry her. “You don’t have to marry me to have me in your life.”
“Maybe not,” he agreed, stroking his thumb pad along her cheek. “But I want to marry you, Madison.”
Her head spun. Or maybe it was the room spinning. Either way, she was overcome with dizziness. “Why would you want to marry me?”
His mouth curled at the corners. “Why wouldn’t I want to marry you? You’re everything to me, Madison. Everything.”
“But…” She stared at him.
“I want you. Only you. Haven’t you figured that out?”
No, she definitely hadn’t.
“But you…the past few weeks…you shut me out.”
“Because I was stupid,” he snorted. “And trying to figure all this out. And scared. I was very scared.”
“Why would you be scared?”
“Because you held the power to hurt me.”
“Because I might be pregnant with your baby?”
“Because I wanted you pregnant with my baby.”
Reeling from his admission, Madison sagged against him, welcoming his arms around her, drawing her nearer even though she didn’t fully understand what he was saying.
He pressed a kiss to her hair, another.
“I wanted my baby inside you, Madison, because it gave me an excuse to marry you. One that didn’t require me admitting I had feelings for you.”
Was it possible he was saying what she thought he was saying?
“I didn’t realize that until tonight when my father, well, he said something that made me look at my feelings for you more closely. I wanted you pregnant with my child, because I wanted that bond with you. A bond that would tie us together for ever.”
Oh, dear sweet heaven above. She was dreaming. Had to be. Must be.
“And now there’s no…” his voice broke “…baby.”
He’d really wanted her to be pregnant?
It didn’t seem possible. She’d ached for him so often over the past month, ached to have his arms around her, to have him holding her, to have him inside her, loving her.
“I can’t believe you’re saying this.”
He stroked his hand down the side of her face. “Believe.”
“But why?”
“Why?” This time it was him who shrugged, him who looked vulnerable, him who sat at a precarious precipice of fate. “Because I love you, Madison.”
Ding. Ding. Ding. Time out.
“You love me?”
“I even loved a baby who didn’t exist outside our minds. Because he or she would have been our baby. A part of me and you, something we’d created together.”
No, she didn’t think him crazy at all.
Another wave of tears struck. Tears of happiness. Tears of disbelief. Tears of the emotional roller-coaster ride of the past few weeks.
“Shh, it’s okay,” he said soothingly, wiping away her tears with gentle brushes of his fingertips. “I don’t expect you to feel the same. Not after the past few weeks, but I’m going to make that up to you, Madison. Spend the rest of my life proving to you that I won’t run from my feelings, that I’m not like my father, but instead a man worthy of you.”
Part of her just couldn’t believe that the man of her dreams could possibly feel the same way she did. Dreams didn’t come true for normal, average, everyday girls like her, did they?
“I’d hoped that through our child you’d come to love me.” He continued to caress her face, to smile gently at her.
“I already do.”
His hands stilled, trembled slightly against her. His eyes widened. His lips parted. He appeared as stunned as she’d felt when he’d said he loved her.
“You love me?” The tremble in his voice matched the worsening wobble of his hands and she saw the truth in his eyes.
He loved her. Wow. He really loved her and didn’t seem to think it was possible she felt
the same about him. Who’d have thought it?
“With all my heart and soul, Levi.” Joy filled that heart and soul. From top to bottom she overflowed with joy. With love. With Levi. “I think I have from the moment I first saw you.”
“Oh, Madison.” Then his mouth covered hers, kissed her so thoroughly, so passionately, so reverently, Madison’s heart swelled with the depth of his love.
She could feel his love in his kiss.
In every worshipful, possessive caress of his lips against hers.
Levi loved her.
“Say the words.” His request almost sounded like begging, as if he’d do anything to hear her say she loved him.
He didn’t have to do a thing other than just be himself.
“I love you, Levi. Always.”
He smiled the smile she loved. The slightly crooked one with his eyes lit with a touch of mischief. “Always?”
Not a bit surprised at how he’d gone from uncertain back to his cocky, self-assured, normal self, she didn’t hold back. Didn’t even make him work for her answer.
“Always.”
His grin widened and he reached for her. “Then you won’t mind if I carry you to my bed and make love to you?”
Um, no, she wouldn’t mind that at all.
In fact, she’d quite enjoy it.
She placed her hand in his, reveled in him lifting her into his arms and carrying her out of the bathroom and into his bedroom.
She did enjoy.
Every touch of his hands, his body, his mouth.
Every caress, every stroke, every moan of pleasure.
Always.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“SO, I HEAR my doctor is going to be out of town next week because of you.”
Madison glanced up from where she took Mrs. Cline’s blood pressure. The poor woman had been readmitted earlier in the week due to another exacerbation of her COPD. Fortunately, she had recovered nicely and would likely be discharged in the morning.
“Where did you get an idea like that?”
Mrs. Cline cackled. “Don’t go playing dumb with me, girlie. I heard all about you sweeping Dr. Fielding off his feet and him planning to march you down the aisle this Saturday.”