A Life Plan Without You.

by Christine Wood

  She says yes, my God, she says yes! My heart stopped for a minute, she has just agreed to the pictures and I’m having my first ever proper date. Who’d have figure it would take twenty two years for that? However first I have to explain things and well explain I will, if I can, but I don’t know why I am attracted to her, just that I am? I’m up close and talking to her, I feel like it’s supposed to happen, her and I. I tell her everything she asks and sneaking the odd kiss in too, here on the freezing steps wet and miserable that they are. It’s as if we are in a bubble, just the two of us talking. I talk she listens, she really has the bluest of eyes and her smile melts me. The kisses I sneak in are so nice. Then she says she has to get back. I walk her home and she leans in for another kiss, I don’t want this to end, oh hell wow what a kiss.

  She warns me of her dad, I have never met a proper girlfriend’s dad before, simply because I have never been anyone’s proper boyfriend perhaps being the reason for that? Plenty of time I think, for the promised right hook! I give her another kiss and watch her disappear into the house, stopping a while. She’s actually is going out with me, thank God, yes! I’m so cold and my jackets wet, but I head off home, happy and so looking forward to tomorrow.

  I get home and putting my wet coat on the hook and make a coffee, fire on and getting warm, when the door flings open and my drunken father stumbles in.

  “Sam, drink now. I will need more money for tomorrow.”

  “Dad, this is half my wages, I can’t afford this every week.” He laughs.

  “Choice is yours, pay up and I shut up, don’t pay, and feel the pain, or someone else will!” He sneers as he grabs my money, I have to plead poverty or he will get wise that we have more, how the hell does he think we manage? We pay the bills, we pay for food, the rent and everything, yet he takes half of what either Andy or I get from our wages, it’s a drop in the ocean to what we have! I just want this to end, hell I hate that man with every thread of my being. I grumble and hand him my coffee and my handful of cash is put in his top pocket. This is getting to be more, and more every time. I need to say no, I want to say no, why can’t I and why is mum refusing to move to the new place? It’s safe its secure and it’s away from here? He’s off to bed and I sit and listen to a record. Jimmy is home next and looking mad as hell; well I deserve a smack and I have to admit that I would be in here and fighting, if I were him.

  “So couldn’t keep away from her Sam? She’s the only girl I have ever liked, why did you do it? Just, to piss me off or just because you can, why I love her Sam?” I feel a little bit guilty, but I can’t help it she is the one I want and thankfully I have her.

  “Jimmy, Michelle has agreed to go out with me. She has only ever thought of you as a friend, she likes you but not that way. Sorry Jimmy but she’s off limits, she’s mine.” He stomped off to bed and I sit in the dark watching the flames of the fire. I feel like shit taking his dreams away from him, but she’s mine and for that reason alone I am sorry, not for having her, but that he has been hurt, that she chose me…

  I wake in the morning and I’ve slept in the clothes I had on last night and I’m sprawled out along the couch, mum is knelt at my side lovingly stroking my cheek.

  “Sam did you sleep down stairs Son, wake up little man?” I smiled as I remember that I have a date with Michelle. Mum is getting in happy from her night at the opera.

  “I did Mum yes sorry, I had a good night and I’m going out with my girlfriend later. Did you have a nice night and enjoy a cooked breakfast?” She smiles down at me, she’s about to answer when dad makes his way down the stairs and she goes into full on panic mode again, rushing to make his breakfast. Getting up close and in my face he smiles, I hate that fucking smile.

  “Sam lad did you give me money last night, it’s just I don’t think it’s going to be enough.” I refuse him more money. I gave him a load last night. He disappears in the kitchen and mum whimpers. I go to see what he’s doing to her.

  “Sam lad did you give me any money last night?” Again I’m angry and hate this man. I frown and look over at mum.

  “No Dad it seems I didn’t give you enough.” He grabs the money, I hand him and disappears out the front door. “Mum we have to stop living like this, this isn’t normal, Mum please let’s move away, we can now Jimmy is eighteen?” She has that lost look in her eyes. Then suddenly a flicker of something in her eyes I haven’t seen before, hope perhaps?

  “Sam, bring your girl to see me please?” I smile, and have to wonder if she’s up to meeting my mother, one day after I ask her out? I’ve never brought anyone back to meet mum and this could be a deal breaker. Mum is the most important person in my life.

  “Right I’ll bring her for a drink, when I pick her up this evening Mum.” She smiles as I go back to bed. I grab a couple of hours sleep I have a bath, as I sit in the hot water I think about where I want this to go and wonder if she will do the same thing as the other one?

  No, I can’t think like that, but this time I take things damn slowly, if I can reel it in that is! I have the feeling she is the one, after last night more so, I know I haven’t been thinking straight in a few weeks, but hell she has been on my mind all the bloody time and now I have a reason to see her, bugger it I’m in the mood for a sandwich… I change and go to see the reason for the smile and the permanent damn hard on…

  CHAPTER 2

  Worked dragged, customers came and went, moaned at me, they chatted to me, ignored me, I cooked, I cleaned and all I did was smile all morning long. That wasn’t hard given that Sam was now my man and he would be taking me out tonight. I was and am so lucky because he was my soul reason for smiling, my face ached and the thoughts of those kisses kept my cheeks rosy all morning, and yep my man beacons were permanently erect and hard thinking about him and those kisses. Without looking, up from my sandwich making, I hear a gentle excuse me cough.

  “Sorry Sir, I will be with you in just one little minute.” Turning my head, to see to the customer with the cough... Oh my day just got better, because Sam was in the shop. Debby had jumped from the till and was looking at him.

  “Yes Sir what can I get for you today?”

  “I’m surprising my girlfriend, with lunch. What do you recommend today?” I smile, as he smiles at me.

  “Michelle can you please serve this customer? Sorry Sir, I’m sure Michelle here, will be happy to help you. When you’ve finished with this customer, take your break and if you can will you please not stop in that break room mooning over your true romance magazines, for more than the half an hour you’re allowed.” I don’t need to dream anymore he’s here.

  “Actually Debby, today I will be taking my break with my boyfriend who swept me of my feet last night. When he promised to dance me to heaven and back, but I’d be more than happy to help this customer first.” Looking up, his face was staring straight at me. He mouthed, always at me.

  “Out for a bite with my boyfriend, right and I’m Olivier Newton-John.” Off the sarcastic cow waddled and out to the back door.

  “What would Sir like today? Is there anything that takes Sirs fancy? I can highly recommend the chicken salad, Sir.”

  “Michelle, I would like a lot whole of you, but if that isn’t on the menu? Then I’ll have a chicken salad and an egg mayo, bacon, a sprinkling of lettuce and tomatoes all on brown, please. If that’s not too much trouble?” Either he likes the same sandwich as me or super stalker has seen me eating it?

  “Certainly Sir, as to those other menu items they are for special friends only. Which would unquestionably include you, is that’s all Sir? Shit, tell me I didn’t actually say all that aloud?” He was laughing at me again, nodding his head.

  “Umm yes, it seems you did, I’m glad I’ve become a special friend though, nice to hear. Brain to mouth filter broken again?” My face is now burning as I laugh and nod. I shouted for Debby, she came in from her ciggie break, washed her hands and smiled at Sam.

  “Debby will ring you up, please excuse me Sir.” I
needed to grab my cardigan and get rid of the pinny, the hat and stupid hair net, shit what a state I must look?

  “Your change and thanks for coming, hope to see you again Sam?” Keep your eyes forward Debby, he’s mine and the kisses are mine too, I would be getting more. Sooner rather than later, I thought. Umm count on that one Sam; how did she know his name, I wonder? I removed my apron, stupid hair net and hat putting them away. Grabbing a couple of colas, I returned to his side just as he finished paying. I linked his arm and walked off past Debby and her mum.

  “See you later Olivier.” I shouted as we past the pair of skivers. He smiled at them and kissed my head. “So Sam, what part of, I will see you at seven pm did you not understand, the seven or the pm?”

  “I tried to stay away, but you are it has to be said hard to stay away from, now that I don’t have to. Where are we having these?”

  “Over there I think?” I pointed to the church garden opposite. It was nice, now that the sun was out and there’s a shady, bench there too. All of a sudden I was hot and getting hotter by the minute.

  “All your own work, these then?”

  “Yes Sam and all made by these fair hands.” He grabbed my right hand and pulled me in towards him. I couldn’t catch my breath, as he was kissing the side of my neck. All in full view of Debby and her mum, he grabbed my other hand and pulled me around to face him, for the sweetest of kisses, my legs were going to buckle that’s if they hadn’t already, I couldn’t really tell I was being held so tightly.

  “You’re my girl, Shelly.” Oh he didn’t just call me that bloody name again?

  “Michelle, if you really feel the need then Missy, please Sam I liked the Mi cielo too.” I threw him a, don’t-do-it-again-look. We sat on the backside high back wall, of the garden he gave me my lunch and gently brushed my hand with his, that sent shivers, racing on their merry way around my body again. I wanted him to hold me, to kiss me and to run those strong hands down my back, yes that was what I wanted, but would settle for my sandwich.

  Oh why wasn’t my favourite a plain cheese? This was going to be messy and not the sort of food you eat in front of your hunky new boyfriend. Not that brilliant in the smell department either, here goes. I gently bit down on the end and I tried ever so hard to be sophisticated. I thought I had managed it too, until he kissed the side of my mouth.

  “You missed a bit Mi cielo, ‘Eggs-Michelle’, nice.” Laughing, he cupped my chin and kissed me with such a gentle touch I started to feel weird again, what was he doing to me? I was a helpless, quivering wreck at the smallest of his touches. This was just the start of his romancing game and I was already putty in his hunky hands. Oh, yes please I want to be in his hands.

  “Michelle?” He had nudged me out of my dream world.

  “Correct, that’s my name.” I laughed. “How did you know what sandwich was my favourite, or is that a stupid question?”

  “Not really I’ve been in there a lot over the past few months, its handy for uni, I never was a sandwich shop man, but now can’t keep me away from this one. I’ve heard you tell loads of people what you recommended. You’re not likely to recommend something you don’t like.”

  “Umm suppose, I watched Debby as she usually served you in the bakery, right? She talked about you all the time and told her mum to have a look at you, I wondered who she was talking about, yes you were nice looking and I laughed when she said I didn’t stand a chance and actually agreed with her too. You’ve been going in there for the past couple of years; I have seen you loads of times too. Debby has seen you out at the weekends and apparently you’re a catch, is that why she knows your name?” He was laughing at me again.

  “I have been in there loads, whilst at college and uni, I was really surprised to see you working there too, after you know the Jimmy thing. So why didn’t you say you had noticed me in the shop before? It could have been an opening line, do you come in here often, or aren’t you the lad who comes in the bakery, you know at dance classes? I stopped going out months ago, so that’s why she was funny with me. I’m a catch then am I? Nice to know, but sorry I’m spoken for; let her down gently Mi cello.” He pulled me off the wall and into his arms. He kissed me again this was oh…. So wanted… Needed… Tiny kisses and lots of them and as he moved again to my neck and kissed there too, my heart stopped, I’d died. Oh but a least I’d had these kisses…

  “Sam when are you going to learn, I didn’t and don’t have the confidence to do that? I thought you were with Leggy, and this is so, not the right place for a make out session… Please don’t stop though and damn right I will tell her hands off, your mine, you are mine aren’t you?” He laughed and kissed me again, now there’s an oxymoron, if ever there was one.

  “Perhaps tonight, we’ll get to do it in private then? I’ll walk you back Mi cielo. Damn right your mine, I don’t share or cheat. I have issues baby, complicated issues and I hate cheating!” Huh, umm yes right. A proper make out session tonight, I couldn’t wait. He was right though why didn’t I just say something. I could listen to him all day, even his voice was as sexy as hell, I am one lucky girl, he sounded sexy he is body gorgeous and wow dreamy as hell. What did he see in me? Please, don’t let this be Michael all over again. That would be too cruel, just ask him straight out. Feet first, here goes.

  “So, when do your mates jump out and take the piss of me and you whatever? Shouting I told you she was easy. I’m not, just to let you know! You are really nice and way too good for me, why do you want to see me Sam, there’s loads of more experienced girls out there for you, why me?” Where the hell did all that come from, what had I done?

  “Really, you have to ask after last night? Michelle, I’m head over heels in love with you, and have been from a far, for a fair few weeks. It’s me that’s the lucky one, I don’t want another girl, I want to see you and only you baby!”

  “How can you love someone, you don’t even know? To be honest you’re a really hunky fella, who is pretty damn good at this grown up stuff. Sam it has been a manic few hours, yes hours and you’re declaring your undying love for me. I have only ever kissed by one other boy, besides you, who, I now find out may like me now after all? You’re older than me and have more experience than me in these things, I don’t want this, us, Just to be some sort of joke Sam,

  Michael, David and Jimmy hurt me. Jimmy told another lad, Kieran one of the lads from our group, who fancied me, what I’d done with Michael and that I was an easy screw and to just go for it, you know after the kiss on the train? He and David told him I was always with different lads and I was easy, Kieran was nice he told me what they had said, as I let him down gently, he’d already been out with Kelly so I wasn’t interested anymore.

  I’m not a slut and I haven’t been with any lads I promise I’m not like that at all. I can’t stand the thought of being used for fun and then dumped! That’s what I thought Michael was going to do, he laughed with them and said nothing, he didn’t stick up for me and because I liked him a lot, I allowed him to kiss me. He was my first kiss and my first heartbreak…” Michelle shut up. All you’re doing is shouting at him.

  “Oh, cheers Missy, does that mean, I’m a sloppy second choice? Where are all these insecurities coming from? Why don’t you think you deserve to have someone to love you? You’re not a joke, your my girlfriend, one who will find out just how much I adore you, yes adore you. Stupid as that sounds seeing as we only spoke for the first time last night, but please Mi cielo don’t forget I have been watching you for months, so yes my months out strip your seven weeks. I’m damn sure I want more than to use you baby, I will kill Jimmy if he upsets you again and a punch to the face will put him straight if he says anything bad about you, I promise.

  I want you to fall in love with me and experience some of the things I feel when I see you, I am not using you in any sort of game, I’m too old to play games! Who the hell has messed your head into thinking all your worth is to be used baby, who this isn’t just those idiot boys, who Missy please t
ell me? Please believe me everything I said last night I meant.

  You had me hooked ages ago, but when you fell at my feet and I looked down into these beautiful blue eyes looking into mine, they shine and sparkle when they look at me, when I looked into them and saw those sparkles I was blown away with you!” I’d screwed it up, my bloody mouth and me.

  “Oh shit no, your way more than that and you know it Sam. You are without a shadow of doubt, in my mind worth keeping, unless I find you lie, cheat or you harm me. Those would mean the end, any of the above and sorry you’re gone. Look I’ve got to get back to work and I’ll meet you later at seven! That is if my insane childish ramblings, haven’t given you the need to run for them there hills and if, as you say you love me with all this passion, we’re in for a fun and interesting time! Sorry I have been hurt before Sam, and your eyes are damn nice to look into too! I think if you can put up with a few of my insecurities for the time being, we will be fine, you’re my first boyfriend Sam and I may need some coaching and bringing out of my stupid self, are you up for the challenge Sam, please say you are?” He’s catching flies. Had I pushed him away? “Sam are you all right, have I ruined it all?”

  “Well, there’s plenty of food for thought there Missy, I’m really your first boyfriend? I find that hard to believe your wonderful and damn it Michelle yes I’m absolutely up for the challenge baby. You’re mine and not a joke; I love you and those lips!” When did I actually let, strong voice out? It had, it seems, been hidden for far too long and having been stepped on by friends and family alike, it had never made an appearance before, me now worrying if perhaps it had ruined it all in that brief mad outburst. “We will have to see about your insecurity issues later. Dr Sam will have you on his couch later, to discuss these any other issues you need to talk about, first boyfriend really?”