“Shit, Duchess down you stupid girl.” She whimpered as he put her lead on and he smacked her “Michelle are you okay?” I just looked at Adam he passed me a hankie.
“Just bloody well perfect, it’s not her fault she likes to play chase don’t you girl, don’t smack her, she didn’t do it on purpose Adam, come here baby.” I got up gave her a cuddle as she licked my very sore lip and I walked home, he followed me home.
“I will be fine honestly please, carry on walking her she has too much energy, see you Adam, and don’t worry it looks worse than it is.” I opened the door and went to the kitchen Mum was busy making a drink.
“Have we got cotton wool and antiseptic things? Adam’s bloody dogs just sent me flying into the cricket steps, does it look a mess, Mum?” She bathed it in salty water.
“You’re going to have a fat lip and bruising.” It was sore all over again.
“Sam is fast asleep in your bed Michelle.” He was still sleeping good he won't have seen Adam walk me home.
“I’m sorry we got in late last night, we were at Heaven for a bit with Shane. We just danced Mum, ask Shane he watches me like a hawk too.” He promised not to say anything to Dad, as it wouldn’t look good I was hit on his watch. “Sam won’t let me touch drink.” I made him a drink and took it to him.
“Sam, wake up.” I kissed his nose and then his mouth, very carefully my lip was now massive. He wasn’t moving, I traced his mouth with my finger and I kissed his nose again as he stirred.
“Morning sleepy head, did you sleep well in my bed then? I’ve been out for a run and had an accident so when I open the curtain do not get worried, it looks far worse than it is.” He sat up and pulled the curtain back quickly, his face was full of worry.
“Is that all from last night? Missy, it’s worse than I remember it.” I smiled.
“That’s because it is angel. Adam’s bloody dog sent me flying into the steps on the field, Mum’s none the wiser to last night’s fight.” He pulled me to him, looking at the lip, he gently kissed the corner and apologised again.
“Best I get up, washed, and dressed then. Good job I bought that lot.” He hasn’t been home since we went to Manchester. He had a quick shower, brushed his teeth, with my toothbrush. He looked hot with the dripping water. Gosh we’ve been here before. He put on new undies and yes, I was looking. He was nice to look at black jeans and he pulled on a white tee shirt and a black cotton shirt, he turned suddenly and smiled as he caught me biting my lip and looking at him. He laughed as my foot caught his behind.
I left him to it I needed a shower, and boy did the water hurt my face. I wrapped my towel around me and changed my knickers for a clean pair. I looked through my ever-increasing wardrobe. A new dress from Sam, a black and white stripped one, that’s the one. I pulled the sides of my hair up with the side combs it looked nice so I left it curly. I headed downstairs.
Dad was home and I kept my head away from his view, but too late, he’d seen it. No amount of makeup was covering the lip. Sam was sat with a drink, watching for his reaction.
“Adam needs to keep that bloody dog on a lead, it looks sore, is it?” I looked at him.
“You’d think so, he did shout at the thing but you know what Duchess is like, she has a mind of her own she thought I was playing with her again. She was smacked and Adam was sorry, it was just an accident Dad.” I picked Emma’s things up from the back sofa were I had dumped them yesterday.
“Dad please can you give us a lift up to the hospital with these?” He picked his keys up.
“Get in, I have to go see Uncle Michael anyway, you sure that’s all right? Get a nurse to look at it you're going to the right place. How's your Mum Sam?”
“She's fine, getting better now she has seen Michelle and is eating now. She still has a bit of bother breathing, but she will be fine. Thanks for asking Michael.” Dad laughed, as Sam looked uncomfortable sat at his side.
He dropped us of and went, still fuming at Adam’s dog. We headed in, Sam held me tightly.
“Good job I went for the jog this morning angel.” I looked at him he just looked worried and kissed the corner of my chubby lips. We got to the ward and Emma bless her, had a blue fit when she saw my lip.
“It looks worse than it is Emma I got roughed up by a dog on the playing field this morning, he wanted to play with me. I lost my footing and hit some steps.” Sam gave her the bags she looked through them.
“Oh Sam there’s too much here but thank you, I needed new slippers and dressing gown how clever of you.” He blushed as his mum hugged him. He looked at me, as I stuck out my tongue, so childish, Sam laughed loudly at me.
“Thank Michelle; she picked them I just paid.” I copped a cuddle too.
“Have you eaten this morning?” Her plate lay on the table untouched.
“I’m not hungry and I don’t like the food here.” I went to the nurses’ station,
“Can I make Emma something to eat, and then try to get her to eat it?” They pointed to the kitchen.
“There are things in the fridge will you be all right? Make her a cup of tea too she may drink it if you two are here.” I went in and made her scrambled eggs with thick cream cheese on toast, and a nice cup of tea. I showed the nurse the tray she smiled, and wished me luck.
“No arguments Emma, you have to eat or they won’t let you come home Monday.” She smiled and ate it I’m sitting by her side until it’s gone. Sam looked at me.
“What, have I got something on my face?” He smiled she was tucking into it and enjoying it, he sat smiling.
“Me in a minute Mi cielo I love you so much.” She must have been hungry it disappeared in a flash, her knife and fork placed on the empty plate, she sighed.
“That was very nice Michelle thank you.” I showed the nurse the empty plate, promising to replace the things we’d used and she smiled. I cleared the pots away I washed them in the kitchen and left them to drain. We sat with Emma for a while until Aunty Allison showed up, so we gave kisses and went to leave.
“You two are at ours tomorrow, for Sunday dinner Samuel?” I laughed.
“What time do you want me to come and cook it then?” She tapped her nose.
“Come when you’re ready, I will however put the joint in at two.” I smiled.
“See you at two then, we can do one for you Emma and bring it for evening visit?” We left them to it and walked off fingers linked. We walked down towards Stockton town centre, Sam held me tightly.
“You like Mum a lot don’t you Michelle? What you did for her today was so nice.” I looked at him catching flies.
“Stupid question Sam what’s not to like? She’s a really nice person, who doesn’t need the shit in her life. She has to get out before Sam, before your Dad does something worse to her. This wasn’t an accident was it? Why do you and Andy let him get away with it? He’s nothing but a drunk and a wife-beating bully, you both could sort him out. Beggars belief you haven’t done it already.” He was mad at me, he let go of my hand, and he gave me a horrid look, and then stormed off. I’d shouted at him shit I called for him to come back, but he carried on walking I wasn’t going to chase after him. I sat on a bench in the Memorial Gardens. Michelle, don’t you think he doesn’t know that already?
I walked off, how the fuck did she guess everything? Jesus, she knows and I need some air I need to calm down, I need to get her away from all this, this is how she will have to live if she stops with me, this will be her life too, I can’t drag her into this! I walk and walk, then I realise I have bloody walked a long way I turn where is Michelle she didn’t follow me, fuck stupid bastard Todd, why would she?
I need my head seeing to. I only thought I went a short way, bloody hell I’m nearly back at the hospital! I need to find her and explain, why does she think it’s so easy to get her to move out, she won’t go. James can leave when he leaves college. We will forcibly move her out after that order is lifted! Michelle is sat on her steps in the rain crying and screaming at the sky to sto
p raining, that isn’t going to stop the rain baby besides it just hides my tears…
The voices in my head were really having a go at me. I can’t take it back I’d said it. I sat and waited for a while he didn’t come back, so I went home. I’d done and said some stupid things before but I didn’t actually think this was stupid though? I got to the field slipped off my shoes and walked across it home. I wasn’t going to cry, but I did. I went to sit on the steps I threw my shoes at them, boy I was had a bad temper tantrum with myself. Sitting on the steps, I pulled my knees up burying my head in them and cried. When I mess up, I do it well I’m feeling sorry for myself and the tears just wouldn’t stop. I lay on the steps cloud watching, I closed my eyes as it started to rain. I scream abuse at the sky for making it rain.
“Sodding perfect, pissed wet through and dumped. Can he hate me anymore than I do myself?” I’m still crying as the rain falls, I am wet through and don’t give a damn, I should stand and run home, but I can’t be bothered, I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Better judgment wins the day and I sat up to go home, the sudden movement behind me makes me jump, he was sat watching me from the top step, and smiling.
“I don’t hate you Michelle I love you so, so much. How can I expect you to understand, when I don’t bloody understand it myself baby? I am so screwed up and lost with all this, I don’t know what to do anymore, our lives are a fucking nightmare and it’s been going on forever. Mum wants it like this don’t ask me why she’s not for leaving, because we try all the time. All the time Michelle, do you know how awful we feel, how utterly useless and small he makes us feel, day in and day out, he’s a mean bastard, but she thinks he will change, and that’s the stupid thing about all this, he’s getting worse and we are sucked deeper into it by her denial.
Hearing you saying it aloud, just made me angry, if you can see it why can’t she? I want to keep her safe of course I do, I love my Mum. She won’t discuss it at all and it just upsets her when we do try. She shuts down and well gets unwell, so we don’t. I can buy her a house tomorrow away from him, next to Aunty. She won’t have it and I don’t know why baby, I just don’t know why? We pay him off and he leaves her alone. This time he, well he took money from my drawer and Jimmy tried to stop him. She protected him and ‘fell’ down the stairs.
Don’t judge us we try all the time, Andy has had a bad time all his life, that’s where his demons come from. Can we just not discuss it anymore, it makes me angry and I don’t like being like this around you Michelle. I like feeling loved and safe, you make me feel like that all the time.” He came and sat at the side of me, he had even redder eyes than I had. It seems we both had shed a few tears he pulled me onto his lap as I cried.
“So I’m not dumped then?” He kissed me.
“No never, I’m so sorry that I walked off, I needed to calm down, I won’t do it again, leave you I promise baby.” He picked up my broken shoe.
“What happened to this?” I shrugged my shoulders.
“I may have thrown them at the steps, in anger because I’m ruining everything.” He put the broken shoe in his pocket and gave me the other. He carried me over the field. We were like drowned rats when we finally got home.
“It seems Michelle, that I owe you a pair of nice white shoes.” He’d laughed at me scowling as we walked home. His smile now back on his face and my heart back where it belonged, because Sam hadn’t dumped me. I went in the front room nobody was in and the back room was empty too, we were alone and I was about to take advantage of the situation, well as much as I could and as much as Sam would let me get away with.
“Come on get upstairs get another shower and change. I’ll put all our stuff in to wash and get it dried.” He came back into my room looking fresh and sexy from the shower, so I moved to the back of my bed as he threw on his jeans and tee shirt and lay on the bed, putting his head on my lap. I put my arms over him as he started to cry and I mean he really cried. He turned towards my stomach and he buried his face into it and me. I held him, just held him tightly and let him cry, he seemed to need to get the crap out, did he cry much or had he only done it since he met me? This had been going on his whole life, poor Sam. I held him, and as I did I ran my fingers through his hair, he had calmed down and as the crying faded to nothing my angel he at last slept.
My dad was a drinker and heavy too, but he never was a hitter, nasty sometimes. He had been known to throw stuff and break things at the wall and on the odd occasion through the window, but never violent with us. Becky was home she came running up the stairs.
“Shush, please Becky.” I whispered, she smiled grabbed her bag and went out. I was still holding him when mum came up, Becks must have told mum, who came straight up the stairs. Her concern for Sam was quite genuine, which was nice to see.
“Everything okay Michelle?” I nodded. She watched, as Sam seemed to be having a nightmare of sorts. She too looked worried, as he sobbed in his sleep, which made her sigh. He grabbed me tighter and nestled into my body and she smiled.
“It will be Mum, there's trouble at home with his drunken Father. Can Becks please go babysitting, for Uncle Donald tonight?” She said she’d sort it, and then Sam began moving, but just to get closer. He was mumbling in his sleep I listened but couldn’t make anything out, apart from no, over and over, no. Mum sighed and said he was a troubled young man, and went downstairs. I looked down, as he seemed to cry, she didn't know the half of it.
He slept for quite a while, as I continued running my fingers through his hair, just watching him as he slept. His grip got firmer, as he was waking. He pulled me to him and kissed me. I kissed him back, I felt the same urgency in him from our alley encounter, and he stopped, looked at me, and smiled.
“Hello beautiful, how long did I sleep for?” He looked up at me and smiled, pulling my face to his and kissing me.
“It’s quite late angel, Becky has left to babysit for me so you could sleep.” He sat up and smiled.
“I haven’t been sleeping too well lately. Worrying about Mum and the whole home shit.” He looked sad again. “Baby please get dressed because we are going out, I want to spoil you.” He started to dress in the grey things I had bought for him and damn he looked good in it too. He went to the bathroom to do his teeth, so I transferred the contents of one jacket, to the other, his wallet fell open and there was a picture of a girl in it. Strange, who was she and I couldn’t say anything as I had been snooping, damn it? I closed it and put it back in his pocket. He took the jacket from me, and as he touched my hand, I shuddered, something was different, I wasn’t sure why or who the girl was, nor why he still had her picture in his wallet, was she more special to him than I was and was she the one other? Shit and damn it, how could I ask without letting him know I had seen it?
He smiled and leant down for smoochy long kiss, sighing when his lips left mine, he went to make him and mum a coffee whilst I went and changed. Lady days over thank God, I washed my hair wrapped it in a towel, brushed my teeth and went to get dressed. I wore the new dress in silver, which Sam had bought me, it was so nice on too. Damn that man can pick clothes, I put on the new underwear and I finished the look of with makeup and hair up and in a chignon, with a quick squirt of my new perfume. I looked in the mirror and wow, I looked like I’d stepped back to the fifties. It really was a nice dress and a good look too. Shoes in hand I went down stairs, stopping on the bottom step to put them on. I went in the front room, Sam stood up.
“Will this be dressed up enough for Sir?” Mum said I looked so grown up and pretty, a complement from mum, Sam just took my hand smiling and said bye to mum. As we we’re coming out the door Mandy was there with Paul.
“Where you going dressed like that? Michelle you look really nice, you scrub up well.” I blushed everyone says I scrub up bloody well. I didn’t think I was damn dirty before gheeze gimmy a complex why don’t you?
“Thanks Mandy, we’re just going to town I think?” Sam held me tightly.
“We’re going for a
meal, in Manchester and hitting a few clubs there. We are celebrating.” I smiled said goodbye and we went to meet Andy and Zoë.
“What, we’re going to Manchester? I thought we were just going to town and into Heaven?” He picked me up, I screamed with laughter.
“Put me down please, people will see the underwear.” He kissed me giving the neighbours something to look out the windows for.
“I love you so much, and you look very sexy in the get up Michelle. I am so damn lucky having you in my life.” I blushed.
“Thank you Sam, this dress is so pretty and I‘m the lucky one. Come on then where are we meeting Andy then?” He played with the silky material of the dress running his hand across my bum smiling as he did.
“We are meeting them in The Frog, Missy. So no stunts in the toilets, but hell we may have to. This dress and you, have my soldier standing to attention.” I laughed and looked. We got there Andy was waiting at the bar for Zoë.
“Wow what the hell do I have to do to get some of that?” I laughed.
“Been born Sam would be a help.” Sam pointed at an empty table, laughing at his brother I went and sat at the usual table as Zoë came in. She sat and waved at Andy, for a drink.
“Have you been buying more big girl dresses then Michelle, or has Sam?” What had got her mad at me?
“Yes Zoë, big girl dresses.” Older than me she might be, but one more shity comment and you’re going down bitch. I got up and went to the toilet she was a drunken nasty bitch. I swear if she is nasty again I will hit her. I did my lips again Sam had kissed all the gloss off them it seems he likes strawberries. I returned to the table and sat on Sam’s lap. Zoë was deep in conversation with Andy at the bar, they were having words.
A Life Plan Without You. Page 37