“I apparently only buy big girl dress now.” He laughed.
“She’s a bit of a strange one, but Andy likes her. Bite your tongue before you speak to her, please?” I gave him a look; surely he should be sticking up for me? I’d done nothing wrong or said anything to her at all.
“Vaffanculo, I have to watch what I say? She was the one with the nasty comments. Shit Sam why take her side? Is this because of this afternoon, me sticking my stupid nose in family business and she’s family?” He gave me a look back.
“No, just watch what you say to her with your smart mouth. Just leave it Michelle she’s having a hard time, she has things going on her life at the moment, she perhaps needs your benevolence, not your criticism too?” I got up again and went to the toilet. I was sat reading of his conquests on a toilet door!
Hey girls good news. Sam isn’t off the market just yet, ask Zoë
Hilly in this toilets here call me 7733236
Hahahaha wow splinters were worth it 7784746
When you’re done with the frizz get back to me Wendy 7886629
Julie needs your number has news daddy
7948558 call debs the shag of choice is back who hasn’t he screwed?
574 6757 Jan Sam call me for a market date 6685538
7779688 ask for any of us Gillian and Terri and Gail
Hi Sam three girls one night you were great
Kim was there 1 night in heaven…sorry for the q girls it was good 10/10 for stamina 10/10 for length 10/10 for fuck 0/10 for heart 8847769 for a repeat x
Does her daddy know she’s out on a school night the new screw?
Yvonne Valentine’s Day 1980 thanks for the night in the rough seats
Call Vicky 7758840 hell no call Tina 5775034 forget the skanks stick to wanks
Wam. Bam Sam not gonna get a call back he don’t do call backs why bother….
Have you seen his cock dumb bitch 5337399 for your devoted sex slave?
Return of the Wam-Bam-Thank-You-Sam hell yeah, whose for HEAVEN?
When did that message appear, they weren’t here when we had our erm tryst in here? I left by the door there and went to sit in The Memorial Gardens. I must have been gone ten minutes I was actually leaving when he bothered to come out and sat at the side of me. My tears were now sobs because I cried for ages on my own. I needed him ten minutes ago, I’ve had time to think and that’s not good, so not good, this has to end, I can’t do this anymore, I don’t like lies and secrets!
“Vaffanculo I don’t want to speak to you.” The tears just wouldn’t stop. “I was the one she insulted, but I have to watch my mouth? Really Sam, I’m to shut up and I interfere? Well fuck me for caring, God forbid I hurt Zoë, good old drunken Zoë, who by the way can’t keep her hands or eyes off you, she’s welcome to you.” He lent in to wipe my tears away. “Leave me alone just leave me alone. I can’t do this anymore go and see to poor fucking drunken Zoë, see if she needs propping up.
Perhaps if she wasn’t always pissed perhaps her times wouldn’t be so fucking hard, because he wouldn’t be looking at me all the time? I presume that’s the problem, him fancying me too and her fancying you not him? Oh get lost the lot of you, I have had it and I have had enough I don’t need all this crap in my life not anymore and if you want to know why I’m leaving you, yes leaving you, read the fucking door in the girls toilet please!”
I was angry because that was not there when we had our toilet romp. I got up and walked away, I didn’t look back! He didn’t shout, he didn’t ask me to stop he let me go. I walked away from him and walked to the school and down to the steps. I sat down and cried he hadn’t even bothered to follow me he didn’t care enough. I looked up towards the hill, what a surprise…
Fuck, what does she mean the toilet door, the one she joked about the other day, what door? I ran in she was leaving me for what? I knocked no answer and when I went in and looked at the door, and stood looking like a complete and utter fool, it wasn’t happening no, no, no my past was ruining my future, ruining it fuck, fuck I grabbed the rags from behind the loo and scrubbed the lipstick and eye crap off, fuck she can’t leave me, I haven’t done all this since before I met her! The door was being banged on, I’d got it off most of it, who the fuck put this up I will kill someone!
I looked in the other nothing or the third so I went to see Diana the landlady at the bar. I was way passed angry.
“Diana, if I pay you can you get the doors in the ladies repainted, some graffiti has appeared!”
“What I checked them tonight there wasn’t anything on them I scrub that crap off, what’s the problem doll?”
“My girlfriend has seen it and isn’t happy at all!” She smiled.
“Seeing as it’s you I will get Ernie to do it now, we have some proper stuff to get it off, go find her Sam!” I had one other thing to do!
“You sort her out and I mean it Andy, if I find out you put that message in the toilets you won’t be welcome in our home again I swear Zoë!”
“What did she see something she didn’t like aww the poor baby, I saw it too and thought it was a fitting epitaph for this farce of a romance you have, what is she eighteen going on eight, is she crying, aww what a shame I have better things to do than crap like that!”
“Did you do it Zoë, hurt Michelle because of what I said? That you’re to stop drinking and sort yourself out? I’m doing the crap you wanted, why did you have to hurt their relationship!”
“No Andrew I did not do it, I swear I didn’t, prove it here’s my bag check I don’t bring makeup out, I’m too pissed to put it back on after I cry the fucker off! Go get the cry baby, take her to the market and fuck her like the others she’s no better than they are. Buy her forgiveness Sam another dress another bit of expensive jewellery!”
“Fuck you Zoë, that is my future wife! Sort her out check her bag four lipsticks and blue, black and brown eyeliner thing also a black and blue felt pen, I swear stop looking at my girlfriend and sort yours out, she’s left me because of what was written on the wall and her nasty comments! Which I never told you were written in make-up Zoë, it was you and if I find out it was God help you. We are never happening Zoë ever, your Andy’s girl not mine! I want her nobody else get that. She is my life, and she better still be in it tonight or we are through. When I bring her back your fucking apologising both of you!”
I ran to find her, she has a head start too, because it took me ages to sort and clean the fucking door! I ran to the steps, and as I caught my breathe I sighed she was there, with the puppy dog! I listened to the conversation as she cried, shit I was an idiot, and he still wants her and she is mine, baby please don’t kiss him, don’t he’s leaning in and I have to stop it…
I’d walked off wishing he would follow, because I think I needed to know she wasn’t a threat, I was normally right, and yes, she was a threat, because he hadn’t followed me, she had something I didn’t? Umm being drunk did it for her, it helped her forget but forget what? She loved Sam of that I was sure, but had she and Sam had something? I needed my head sorting out I was full of doubt again and again it’s about why I wasn’t good enough for him? Again, the bloody sex thing was raising its bloody head.
Adam was out walking the dog, he waved and came over and sat with me. He smiled at me and gave my cheek a small peck, apologises again for the dog hurting me.
“You look stunning.” I laughed.
“Thanks for that, I look like Alice cooper, and not in a good way, this wearing make-up lark, is a pain.” He passed me a tissue I wiped the crap off my face.
“That’s better there’s the Michelle I know, apart from the busted lip, I’m so sorry, again.” His dog was on a lead.
“It was an accident, let her off I’m not running anywhere.” He let her off and threw a ball the stupid thing went in search of it.
“Why the tears and where’s your boyfriend then?” I started to cry again.
“I had one of my more major Missy-fits and left. He didn’t follow me, so I d
on’t think he gives a shit any more. One wrong thing said, because I love his Mum and then tonight he stuck up for his drunken lush of a not even sister-in-law and I’m the one in the wrong, and his past is way more complicated than I thought. Really, twice I’ve sat on these bloody naughty steps, twice today why can’t I learn to just shut up Adam why?” He put his arm around me.
“You have always been… Oh, well sorry but you are a little erg opinionated, and that’s putting it nicely Michelle, you can be a bit of a headstrong… Erg sorry, but you can be a cow? He seems a much changed person from my last leave, Wam-Bam he isn’t, I swear he was always drunk and they threw themselves at him, he was young free and single to do it too, he has you now.
Even I don’t think he is stupid enough to do that again, not with you on his arm. I’m sure things aren’t as bad as they seem, he looks like you’re his everything, from the display he put on the other day, or was that for my benefit? My offers always there, you know I mean it.” He looked into my eyes and I smiled. His conversation was interrupted…
“Take your hand off my girlfriend please.” I turned around Sam was there.
“She’s been my friend for a very long time and a friend she will remain and for as long as she needs a shoulder to cry on I will be there for her. She seems to be upset at you for something, have you hurt her?”
“I have never hit a woman before, and I’m hardly going to start with the one I love, not when she means so much to me. No Adam, this was my stupid mistake, nothing you need to worry about. It’s just between me and my girlfriend thanks. I think I can sort out my own mess, and I only kiss my girl for my benefit and hers. I don’t think I have anything to prove do I Michelle, I have never looked at another girl since November baby I have changed, I don’t get drunk, I don’t sleep around and I haven’t because of you baby just you, talk to me please?”
Adam gave my cheek a kiss and left after I assured him I was okay, he was just an idiot who I happened to love. Adam walked away deep in thought, I’d managed to hurt his feelings too.
“How long have you been there then, idiot?” He sat at the side of me.
“Long enough to realise what a total idiot I’d been to you tonight. I knew you liked Mum, but loving her, that was a shock. As for Zoë, what you didn’t know is Andy has been comparing Zoë to you. Apparently you do things better than her on so many levels. He likes you a lot, you’re different, and well she’s the same as all the others he sees, she feels threatened. You are so different, because you’re strong, opinionated and it’s challenging for Andy to see me happy and with you. He finally realising, there’s more to keeping a girl happy than just sex. She’s had enough, she wants what we have and Andy can’t give it her because he doesn’t know how, he thinks if she was more like you it would be better.
He told her to do things like you do, act like you and dress like you. She may have been on the end of one of his drunken ramblings and took it too heart, and well you got the sharp end of her drunken tongue. I didn’t follow you not straight away I was shocked you thought I wanted her and not you, I was gobsmacked at your belief after all we have said and done, you doubt I love you, I want you to marry me I want to be with you and only you what more can I do?
As to the message, when since we went in that toilet have I not been with you at night, apart from the drunken girl night and I was back in the house at bloody ten o’clock with a pissed Andy? Yes my nick-name is that and it’s not one I’m particularly proud of Michelle Welles! I cleaned the shit off and I’m sorry baby really sorry, but I can’t help my past, not now. I hate what I did you know that, and according to the landlady it wasn’t there at teatime. Andy is checking Zoë’s bag now, she said she saw it, and sort of said she hadn’t done it!
So, when I realised I could lose you I went to tell them to do their own thing, thanked Zoë for being a drunken bitch and taking Andy’s failings out on you. He was told to quit it too and sort his girlfriend out and leave mine alone I love you and you are marrying me, and erm sorry but the whole pub may have heard all that too sorry, but the bitches in there need to know not to write crap again! I told Zoë I loved you and not her and I never would love her. Andy may be licking his wounds as we speak? I left to find you being lusted over by Adam. You can run in them heels. Can I sit or do you still want me to leave?” I cried again.
“Adam wasn’t lusting after me, he was being a friend. Why does Andy want Zoë to change? It’s him who needs to change, she needs to stop drinking and leave him if she’s so unhappy. Sam, I love you so much, I can’t believe you want to be with me angel, I feel threatened by the amount of great looking girls who want you and yet your with me, and I don’t know why? I’m sorry today has been an epic fail, the making ups kind of good, but I hate us falling out, I’m insecure about the sex thing and well it’s getting in the way. I love your Mum, and I am scared for her, I’d hate anything to happen to her, because it would upset you too much. I do know we are meant to be celebrating and all we’re doing is fighting, Sam.” He pulled me onto his lap.
“I’m sorry, again so sorry. It’s just I know your right, Andy and I will talk to Mum on Monday. I love you without having had sex with you, I know it’s hard for you to understand, but I do want to, like you wouldn’t believe, and when we do it will make us stronger I know it will, but hell baby please wait, just a little longer? I’m not going anywhere not without you, you are my everything, please Michelle, just a short while longer, I promise it will be worth the wait. As to the makeup you don’t need it, Adam is right your nice enough without it, but your fat lip needs covering.” He lent in and kissed me. “Can we go out and have something to eat and talk please? I can’t tell you I love you more than I do, this being a boyfriends all new for me too, seeing as you’re the only proper girlfriend I have ever had? I wish you’d agree to marry me, you are all I need all I will ever need.”
He helped me up and kissed me again this relationship thing is hard. I was screwing up everything and all because of my bloody bad temper and years of people telling me I wasn’t good enough, I believed I wasn’t good enough for him, I had years of self-loathing, those wouldn’t just disappear in such a short time, but I am finally believing he does love me, because Sam has said he loved me so many times, and I know he means it. The voice in my head says who’s the one in the photo, it’s not you is it Michelle, and damn the doubts are there again, thanks to the graffiti. If he did only love me, who was that girl, whose picture he still held on to?
“Gimmy time Sam, I haven’t said no, we have things to talk about, the practical stuff, and what do you want me to do as Mrs Todd? How will we manage, we have had a shit day and then you slip marriage into the conversation, like it will cure all your worries, having a wife will add to your worries, give me time Sam, that’s all I’m asking for just a little more time.”
“Alright, we will go away for the weekend after your dance class next week and spend the weekend together, discuss everything, including finances and what I expect from you, really though I don’t expect anything from you, apart from what you give me now, happiness and understanding, you give or are giving me a new outlook on life, and I’m happy baby, really happy for the first time in years.”
“Oh, so I get everything next weekend do I?” He laughed.
“Umm, everything explanations and my body, will that suit madam or do you want more?”
“No, that’s enough to be thinking about. Then you may get the answers to your question too.” He held me tightly, laughing as my hand gripped his cute backside.
We headed back to The Frog, where he waited for me outside the toilet door I re-did the lips, touching up on the makeup, but not as much on as before. He held me tightly, as I swept through the door into his arms, kissing me, we return to the table and he looks worried, I think he thinks I’m going to kick off with Zoë but she’s just not worth it. I sat down and Sam bought me a drink, I couldn’t help note he was sitting really close. Tonight had been ruined he stroked my thigh as I drank t
he drink in one. Being drunk worked for her, maybe I would get drunk and have sex? Sam won’t allow that, on either option damn it.
“Sam, can I have another please? He got me one I didn’t like vodka and coke, but it sure as hell made things seem better. Zoë was on her way over, for round two.
“I’m sorry Michelle, I was angry and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I just have some issues with the perfect Michelle, I swear I did not write that crap, its mainly true but I didn’t write it!” I smiled she really was apologising, but still getting a dig in smart little drunken Zoë, just not as smart as me. She thinks I was and am perfect, I bloody wish, I’m just not as fucked up as her.
“I’m far from perfect Zoë I have a heck of load of faults that no one picks up on. Yes, I’m good a cooking, yes I’m good at dancing, I have a killer collection of dresses, some from Sam yes, but even more from my Gramps, the others I bought myself. I have very overindulgent relatives who are and were fed up of me in boy clothes. Just a few weeks ago, I was in sweats and tee-shirts, and dressed up for me was a clean tracksuit. So this dress larks all exciting and new for me, I like wearing pretty things but unfortunately for me, Sam likes buying me stuff. Hopefully that’s ended now after he got shouted at the last time, when he bought me this dress. I pay my own way Zoë, I know you think I don’t but I do. I always have and always will.” She sat and Andy brought over drinks.
“Is it safe to come over now?” I shot him a look.
“Fine, I’ve had a shit couple of days with being ill, the fighting, and the bust lip see I do have bad days. It has to be said the fighting wasn’t my fault either. That’s the last time he goes out with you on his own.” Andy looked at my lip.
A Life Plan Without You. Page 38