A Life Plan Without You.

by Christine Wood

  CHAPTER 13

  I woke first. Sam had rolled over and was sleeping soundly. Putting on Auntie's very fetching dressing gown, I went to see if anyone else was up Andy was still here, I looked at the clock, seven thirty.

  “Morning, did you sleep well on there?” He looked grumpy.

  “I did until he started screaming, he hasn’t done that for a couple of years.” I needed to ask.

  “Do you know what it’s about? I asked Aunty Allison, she said she wasn’t sure. I’m only asking because he needs help and I haven’t a clue how or where to start. Do you know anything, Andy, anything at all?” I hoped it wasn’t what I was actually thinking, as he looked at me, I knew it had happened to him, his eyes were pained and he was troubled, but had it happened to Sam too?

  “I think, no I know, it’s all the crap he has been through with Dad, he’s beat him up really badly, and for most of his bloody life Michelle. Once when he stepped in to help Mum, and he took a good beating, in fact Dad nearly killed him that day and wouldn’t let me get either of them any help, he locked us in and we managed, to stop the bleeding and stuff, but well it was bad, really bad. I think, shit I know they should have been seen at the hospital, Mum especially. That’s why he isn’t that keen on fighting, and why he doesn’t jump in feet first. He freezes and sort of blanks out. I know there wasn’t anything more than that, the beatings were bad though he had been getting harsher with them as we got older and as he got drunker he didn’t care what he did to us.

  He has taken a couple of blows to the head since that day they both have, which was really bad for them both, but I got in and just in time to stop him killing them. He was a maniac Michelle. Mum, started the strange behaviour after that attack. Not the worst she's had to endure at his hands, but the first time he hit her in the head with something. Normally they were punches and kicks were the bruising couldn't be seen. Do you think that’s got something to do with it, these blackouts the pair of them have?” I just didn’t know? His Father is a monster of that I'm sure.

  “Two years ago, he was dumped and abandoned by the troll, wasn’t he? That was about the last time he had a screaming fit I’m wondering if it’s a combination of the stuff that’s been happening over the past few weeks, not helped by me getting in these fights and him thinking I’m leaving him too. Shit my fault again.” He was smiling at me.

  “Shut up, I always blame myself too it’s always my fault at home.” Sam was up and in a grumpy mood too.

  “I thought you had left me, Michelle.” I smiled.

  “I didn’t leave you, were still in the same house, I’m going back to bed for a while. Jimmy and I don’t have to be in until eleven. See you later Andy and thanks.” I went back followed by my in lamb in tow, Andy left for work.

  “What did you thank him for?” Knowing he listened in to conversations I told him the truth.

  “You had a bad night and kept the house up, with your screaming and crying. Please sit on the bed and talk to me you were inconsolable, sweating, hitting out and frightened. Please don’t shut me out I have to be able to help you, let me help you, I love you and I’m not leaving you. It will be you who gets fed up and leaves me.” He was on the bed and asked me to sit between his legs so I did as he asked and he put his arms around my shoulders hugging me. We sat for an age until he started to talk.

  “I don’t know why I scream and have these awful nightmares, and in them I’m about four and Dad hits me he hurts me and then he hits Andy. Then Mum is falling down the stairs and he tells me I’m next. Then Andy is covered in blood and Jimmy is crying in his pram. Mum can’t wake up, he kicks her and… Then he leaves us alone. That nightmare baby I have had forever, not all the time just when I am stressed or when he Dad has a go at Mum or James. I don’t know if it was a real thing that I’m replaying, or just a nightmare Michelle, honestly. The beating Andy talked about was as bad as all the others were though that time she left me all alone in the room with him and he did things to me, but…” He cried into my shoulder. He composed himself a little, and continued the awful tale.

  “Mum left leaving me in the room with him alone she just walked away and left him to it. She left me alone with the monster, but he had just beaten her too. I think he beat me up again, he did some funny things, but I really don’t remember my head hurt so much. He beat me with his belt too and that hurt really hurt, but Andy came in and hit him with a cricket bat.” He laughs at that as the tears continue to flow, me I'm shocked. “I think he did some bad damage to her head that day? She has lesions on her brain when he pushed her down the stairs last time, the hospital discovered it on scans she’d had done, they said it had done her harm… Sorry I didn’t think I still had the nightmares, if I do nobody’s mentioned them before you just did.”

  “I mentioned it because it upset the crap out of me. You were like a baby crying, I couldn’t do anything only tell you I wasn’t ever going to leave.” I waited for him to talk but he didn’t he just pulled me up to meet mouth and he kissed me with a force he hasn’t used before… Rough and not at all as nice as his other kisses. “Whoa, Sam stop that. I’m not sure if I like being kissed like I’m being punished for seeking out the truth from you?” He threw me flat on the bed and got on top of me.

  “I will never leave you ever don’t say that, I want you now I need to prove how much you mean to me.” I threw him off me. He had changed in the blink of an eye, this Sam I didn’t like he had a horrid look in his eyes.

  “Having sex with you when your punishing me, I will not and I don’t want to do. What’s got into you Sam? Why have you changed what did I say? I told you, I would never leave you, you would push me away.” I put on my clothes and put the things back in the bag. I put my trainers on and headed for the door.

  “So you’re leaving me then?” I looked at him.

  “You’re pushing me away, I’m not leaving, and you promised my first time would be memorable, what for exactly… Being raped?” I left and no I didn’t look back, I needed some space and to get to college, I needed to calm down.

  Shit… I have monumentally screwed up; may God forgive me, I was going to force myself on my baby… She had said no, and yet I still went after her. I followed her out of the door, but she was nowhere in sight, my baby sure can run and fast too. Jimmy, shit will he actually help me? I sit on the bed and try to think what I’ve done Christ what did I do? Why did I do it? I can’t remember what I did but did I hurt her? I fell asleep, waking when Jimmy came to get Michelle up for class, waking me instead! I looked at him.

  “Jimmy help me please? I’ve screwed things up and big time.” I'm crying and sobbing uncontrollably. He sat on the bed and hugged me.

  “What did you do and where is Michelle? What did you do to be like this? Did she do something to you? Sam bloody tell me now.” I explained what I thought I’d done. He looked at me, a look of confusion and hurt in his face, he hates me too.

  “You did that to her, her of all people, I knew you’d fuck up and go back to being your old self!”

  “No, no, no I didn’t I have never done that before ever, she was leaving me, I was angry I didn’t want to hurt her, I didn’t hurt her, I can’t fucking remember, what I did I just know she left me, she left me Jimmy she can’t leave me, I fucked up, please help me get her back. Please get her to talk to me, tell her I will do anything please!”

  “Write it all down in a letter; I will take it to her. She may not read it! If she does; she’s going to have to believe what you write, you mean Sam.” I took a pad and paper from Auntie’s bedside drawers and wrote a note. I made it simple and hoped it would be fine. I put it in an envelope and gave it to him.

  “I'll tell her you’re sorry and you know you have messed up Sam but, shit what the hell were you thinking?”

  “That’s the whole thing, I wasn’t thinking, I was tired and confused and I just can’t explain what and why I did it, it all happened so damn fast.” After a long, long morning, I dress and go to town and as I look in the j
ewellers window I see the sweetest of rings and I want her to know I’m sorry truly sorry, so I go and buy it, it’s got her birthstones set in a gold butterfly, it looks so pretty, is has Amethysts, with diamonds and sapphires, all her jewellery should have sapphires in it. I have it engraved ‘M, you are my life, S’. I head to college to see if she can forgive me! I don’t deserve it, but I just hope she does

  I could only hope she reads it at the steps, the place she always goes to when I mess up, the place where she stops to think before she explodes and this was a mess of my making again. I waited at the top of the hill, hidden from sight! She was walking towards the steps as I get there. I walked quietly down and sat down! She is crying. I’m so sorry baby. She stops to read the letter again and is reading the letter aloud, over and over! Please forgive me baby you have to…

  That wasn’t Sam, but it was Sam? I didn’t much want to see that Sam again. I walked to school from his Aunts mad as hell, angry and so pissed off, no tears though? I got to college still angry, I went to the gym locker rooms, put my things in the locker, and had a quick shower. Took my pill from the spare pack I have here, in my rush to get out I have lost the others. Bummer I need more.

  I put on my winter tracksuit bottoms. My spare top and left my things in there, I went and did my exam. My English language paper is now over and done with it too was easy enough. Jimmy waited for me when we got out of the exam. He handed me a letter. I snatched it from him he knew I was angry.

  “Have you read this?” He shook his head, as I shouted at him.

  “No Michelle I haven’t he was in pieces when I left him, he’s sorry and he knows he’s screwed up, big time. He’s so messed up confused and oh so angry at himself.”

  I thanked him, with a hug and apologised, he looked upset too. He didn’t have to tell me Sam was upset, I knew he would be. That wasn’t Sam, that Sam was dark, that was the part of him that Dennis had screwed with. I didn’t ever need that part of Sam in my life but it was there, whether I like it or not. I went to the steps to read it.

  Missy,

  I’m sorry please know that I am and from the bottom of my heart. I’m not sure what was going through my stupid mixed up head. I need you in my life, please Mi cielo don’t run out of it? I can’t apologise enough. I just blanked out, and well and as a result you were hurt by my mindless actions, a lack of sleep and a dark and confused dream, combined with my absolute fear of you leaving me caused me to not think and attack you may God forgive me.

  What I could have done to you was unthinkable, I nearly forced myself on you and for that, alone you should run… I will do anything, anything to make this right. Please look back and say you love me. I need you to know, how truly sorry I really am. I need you in my life not running from it. That will never happen again, I swear Mi cielo. Please say you will give me a chance to explain just how much I love you, always, and hopefully forever yours. Sam x

  I could see him writing this with tears in his eyes. He was right this wasn’t like him this was like nothing I’d seen before. Well apart from the look, he had when she came towards him in the pub, her, Janet picture girl. He had the same look of sheer hatred in his eyes, that was what had frightened me the most, gone the gentle loving kind man I knew and I knew loved me, in his place evil Sam.

  “Oh damn you Sam, why do I love you so much? You’re all I bloody think about all the time, I wish it was easy to walk away from, look back and say you love me?” I read the letter again.

  “Please look back and say you love me?” I turned and he was there sat on the top step. Those sad ebony coloured eyes were staring back at me they were so lost as the tears had welled in them.

  “I do love you, still love you. This morning you really frightened me.” He came and sat at my side.

  “I don’t know what came over me. I know it was the stupidest thing I could ever have done. Are you going to forgive me Michelle, tell me you will?” I looked into his eyes and kissed him.

  “I love you so much, I can’t walk away from you we need each other, I won’t leave. I’ve already said I’d marry you and the when, I’ve given up all my plans, what more can I do?” He smiled.

  I watched as she played with her promise ring and as she did I had a thought, and hoped it worked!

  “You’re not giving up any of your plans Michelle. I will and can follow you. Wherever you go, I go too.” I looked at him, I was hooked I wasn’t going anywhere, not without him. He was down on one knee.

  “Please will you marry me Michelle?” He took my ring off its finger and moved it over to my left hand ring finger.

  “Yes, I’ll marry you, now get up and kiss me please.” He did as I asked his kiss wow, such tenderness his tears for me forgiving him and relief that I had. I too had actually calmed down enough, to realise he was messed up. I needed to broach the subject of him getting counselling and soon.

  “Now, if you’d have bought me one of the stupid massive things you were looking at, I would have said no. You can’t buy what you already have, how many times do I have to tell you that before you realise?” His kisses sent shivers down my spine. He laughed, as I moved his ring over kissing it after I had.

  Good job the bloody other ring is still in my pocket then, along with the locket I wanted to give her yesterday, but he ruined the day again…

  “Have you time for lunch, baby?” I looked at my watch.

  “I have two hours to kill, let’s grab a sandwich from my work, I have funny feeling they have replaced me, I asked for the time off and miraculously, I get ill when I don’t get it? Oh, do you have some money, I haven’t been home yet?”

  “I’ve got some change in my pocket.” We made our way there, he held me tightly his hand gripping my waist. “You’re all right if you do lose your job I have enough for us both.”

  “Do you want to piss me off again?” He shook his head.

  “Not on purpose, no, but I do like looking after you.” We arrived at the shop. I gave him a kiss and he waited for me, I went in.

  “Oh Michelle Mum’s in the office she needs a word.” I looked at him as I came out of the shop and smiled I had in fact been let go. Two weeks wages and holiday pay.

  “Good news, I don’t need to get up at stupid o’clock, and is it’s the last three weeks of placement her Mum has passed me, given me a glowing reference, so I won’t fail.” We grabbed some lunch from the bakery and went back to the steps he wasn’t more than an inch away from me at any time. He just kept smiling whenever I looked in his direction.

  “Here, the money for the things from yesterday, thanks.” He didn’t want to take it, but thankfully he did. “You learn quickly Mr Todd. Thank you, look after this.” I gave him my wage packet. “I can’t take it on the field with me can I?” He popped it in his jacket. We sat on the steps on the field whilst we sat and ate our sandwiches, the sun shining, and all was right with the world again. Yeah, and the pigs are flying, shit when did my life get so bloody complicated? I had to go, I was on in half an hour, and I need to get some practice. He walked me down the hill, and waited with the rest of the spectators including a smiling Jimmy, who Sam hugged. That I thought was so nice and laughed when Sam got a bloody thump off Jimmy and a lecture, judging from the frown.

  “Right girls their teams arrived let’s get out and set up. Michelle you, Karen, Mandy, Michelle, and Tasha do some shoot and save practice.” We set up the goals I put on my kit. Today’s game was the semi-final, one more game after this and my hockey playing days were alas over, unless they had a team in uni, I hadn’t asked, they didn’t play on the field so I highly doubted it? Mandy and I practised, she smacked one at me I imagined the ball to be Dennis’s head. They went flying straight across the field, the referee smiled as she watched it pass by her feet.

  “Right balls off the field please, and bully off.” The game started I had nothing to do, only bark orders from goal. The ball was flying towards me. Blocked, dropped and kicked to their half, Mandy picked it up. She dropped to her knee and pushe
d it into their open goal.

  “Yes, well done.” That was the first of four more. Half time, we had a good lead, but their fans were now around my goal. I recognised one of the young girls as Sam’s ex’s from the club. Oh my, in the light of day she looks similar to me, he is forgiven, and to a drunken Sam, we would look alike. “Hello might I suggest you move it’s dangerous behind here.” She and her friends moved. My mask hid who I was, but she had spotted Sam and Jimmy and was heading towards him. I concentrated on the game that bitch, I would use as a source of anger. They got a lucky break, Michelle had lost her focus on the ball and panicked and shot it in my direction, swiftly kicked in the direction of the girl, right on her back leg.

  “Yes, now move bitch.” I had another shout for Michelle.

  “Move over swap with Karen.” They swopped, as, I barked out orders.

  “Karen, watch the girl to your right she’s gunning for you.” The girl managed to hit a ball at Karen it went flying behind me, so I retrieved the ball. No doubt, she’s probably had her fella too.

  “Right Karen to you.” I pushed it to her and she sent it flying to Ellie, Mandy took it sent it back to Karen, a goal. The whistle blew, we won, five-one, I let one in as the girl, had walked towards Sam, I was not watching. The Finals were in two weeks we’d done it. I ran to the rest to celebrate, we were on a high and the girl was heading back to Sam.

  “Excuse me fiancé to protect.” She was nearly at him when I launched a ball in his direction.

  “Can I have my ball back please?” I removed my mask and pads. She now recognised who I was.

  “Hello you.” Pulled into his arms, as she looked on, he kissed me.