“He’s just said you were the biggest mistake he’s ever made.” I was now in pissed off, drunken bitch mode. I dried my hands turned to walk away.
“That’s not what his eyes say Karen and for the record his biggest mistake, was and is you. Sam would never say I was a mistake ever. I’m surprised he’s speaking at all, let alone to you. Don’t push me Karen, just don’t or what that girl got, will be nothing compared to what I do to you, leave me and leave me alone now, years of you back stabbing me and bringing me down is enough, so go on, fuck off and claim your fucking prize, you fucking bitch.
You want Sam? Then he’s yours, but good luck, because you will need it. Tell him he’s won I’m leaving, as I said I would be doing and I’m never coming back. You won, I lost but I have lost everything. Are you happy now Karen? Don’t kid yourself he loves you when he shags you, because he will never be in love with you. He’s way too messed up in his head and you jumping all over him is pathetic and desperate, when he clearly is here for me, but being with you he hasn’t a chance of that now, he knows my rules.
We had love and his eyes say we still have love too, because his eyes never lie, with you they say fuck off. If you’ve not already had him, remember me as he takes you, it’s not you he wants it’s me. He will use you to take out his anger on, you are just the nearest fucking bitch to drop her knickers at him.” She was messing with my head all over again, so now I’m in her head and as he shags her, she will be thinking of me as he looks into her eyes, I leave and sob, but by now I’m too pissed to care.
He has made his choice, her not me. I love you Sam Todd and I always will, but why did you bring her here to rub my nose in it, I could have stopped at dance and rubbed your nose in it Sam, but no I came here to save face, but you are rubbing mine in it, and hurting me why?
I cannot forgive him now and I don’t want Paul either, men, I hate them. I take a deep breath and do the stupidest thing, because I know I have had too much to drink, but when I returned to Paul I stupidly drank the drink he had for me and my head was now totally wrecked and my senses were now functioning like those of a three year old, I had lost all control of my logic and reasoning and I feel like I have to get out go home and be safe, but my body won’t do as I want it instead my three year old wants to play and to dance and to enjoy myself, and I don’t care who with as long as they play with me too.
I have a fuzzy head and the lights are acting like a hypnotising beacon, I dance because I know I can, but hell I have no barriers up, my defences have been blown out of the water by those pesky scud missiles, Vodka and coke, wow it feels strange to not be worried that people are watching me dance and smiling and joining me. My head spins as I spin and somehow I’m still on my feet, and dancing without a care in the world, I’m me, I’m fabulous and oh hell I want to be sick…
Then before I can do anything else I’m dancing with him Paul, fuck I danced sexier than ever, Paul was very happy, but all that’s going through my mind is I hated his smell, he stank of fags and he felt like he was pawing at me, like a butcher throws the meat on his cutting block, before he starts selecting the joints for sale, I feel like that slab of fresh meat, I feel like he’s telling the room look at my piece of meats bum!
I suddenly realise I’m heading for danger, and then he confirms it as he suggests things that are crude and horrid and I need to get away. I then remember why I’m here, and I remember Sam is here, he has to save me from my stupid mistake, because he has to, where is he? I need him I need my angel to save me from something I don’t want to do.
Then I see those ebony eyes watching me, I see the smile I head towards them they are welcoming me back, I smile for a second and realise he loves me and I need him, I looked at Sam, and he was watching me, sad eyes dark eyes welcoming me back, mine were sad too, because I wanted him. I wanted to run, grab him and escape into the night with my love.
I turned from Paul and stepped towards Sam, and then it happened. Paul grabbed at me as he saw me heading for Sam and kissed me, for a split second I think it is Sam because his were the eyes I was looking into when Paul kissed me, this is very different from Sam very different, not nice and I’m suddenly taken aback by the realisation it’s not Sam I’m kissing and I didn’t pull away as quickly as I should have, oh hell I need to throw up that was awful, like kissing a lemon and an ashtray combined erg.
“Nice Michelle very nice I want you tonight, on the market we’re going there for a bit I will be your first, did the taxis stop it from happening that night, I do hope so?” I wanted to throw up, he had stopped it happening that night, him? That’s why he was listening to our plans, and why he warned Pat. Shit this was stalking and in a nasty way. Oh God I was too drunk to do this tonight, I needed to escape, he wasn’t nice, he was evil and in a creepy way. He went for more drinks, as if I needed more. I followed him to tell him to fuck off and give him money for my drinks. That was the only payment he was getting off me as I threw the twenty pounds at him.
“I didn’t want you to kiss me moron because I still want Sam. Fuck right off you’re not getting that ever from me, this should cover the drinks. Sex with you isn’t happening, especially not on the market stalls, you are nothing like my Sam, who yes I have had wonderful sex with.” Oh hell Sam, where is Sam, please tell me he didn’t see that? I’d shouted at Paul, he smiled and said nothing just stood at the bar, as if he didn’t hear me.
Sam, hell he was so mad, shit he did see me and he’d gotten up from his seat and was heading out of the club and he was taking Karen with him. I had blown it. Revenge sex for her and heartbreak for me. Sam hell, he was in a mess again and all thanks to a fucking stupid kiss and me drinking like I hadn’t a care in the fucking world. Damn the room was spinning I need to tell him, tell him I’m sorry, it was a mistake, and to come back. Oh hell the love of my life was taking her somewhere to fuck he did the revenge fucks, to get over Janet. Shit, she was going to have my angel, he wouldn’t think twice and I cried and then felt sick, sick that I had lost him and it was my own fault, shit, I see Paul laughing with his mates and realisation sets in that I’ve lost Sam, and the danger is still in the room with me and I’m fucking too drunk to fight him off.
“I’m going home Paul, I don’t feel well.” He wasn’t happy and told me to calm down he would take me home, after we went for a market visit, for what he was owed. I picked up the money and put it in his shirt and he stayed at the bar getting the drinks, more drinks like I really needed anymore what I wanted was to be sick. I rushed to the toilet and threw my guts up, I’d had enough of the stupidity of my drinking and my stupid revenge had backfired, I was screwed and not in a good way either.
I went up the stairs slowly, the bloody steps seemed like they were heading to heaven, and getting me out of hell, this club needs a new name, then reality set in I’m in Heaven and heading towards unknown hell, shit my head hurts, as I finally climbed the stairs, reaching the doors and the fresh air was, wow fresh and cold, it made me light headed and fuck I was fuzzy.
Somehow I had gotten away from Paul. I told Colin and Chris to tell the moron I came in with, they’d put me in a taxi home and I said goodbye, they wanted to put me in a taxi too, but somehow I convinced them I was fine and that I needed to sober up before I hit home and the walk would do me good.
I walked towards home, my drunken legs knew the much walked route and were leading me to safety, there was a strange and funny looking girl following me home, she looked a proper state too, her makeup had run, her hair was a mess and she was staggering. Shit I was looking at me, and my reflection, it damn well sobered me up a little. I stopped and sorted myself out and took a deep breath, I had to get home, I had to focus on getting home it wasn’t that far and I would be safe, damn I’m passing the Frog in’t Mud, it’s throwing out time and Janet is coming towards me shit, it rather sobered me up a little more.
“Argh if it isn’t Sam’s ex fiancé and schoolgirl crush, how you doing? Not looking so hot Miss-I-got-the-expensive-rings, now
are you, where is the lover boy then? Back to stall shagging, to find your replacement?” I will try to ignore her. I need to get home, away from her, away from Paul, he will come for me, he will want things, oh help me! Why did I do this? Please help me and keep away from me Janet because I won’t be able to hold back.
“Leave Janet, you really don’t need to mess with me, not recommended, not tonight, please just leave whilst you can.” How many warnings does she need? Just leave me alone.
“How is sad fucked up Sam? Missing my vagina yet, yours isn’t that great if he’s dumped you so fucking soon.” How did she know that? Get out of my way.
“Last warning Janet, that’s all you get. I really just want to go home and grab some sleep.” She stupidly hits my shoulder and a whole lot of rage is boiling. Some of the Jollies are watching. Oh no, you didn’t bitch. I grab her so hard she cannot move I won’t let her. She looks so frightened, amazing how quickly I sobered up.
“My engagement ring cost him fourteen grand and I still have it, then he bought me an eternity ring because we will be together for that long. I love him and he loves me.” I know it I just have to get home, but she has pushed me too far. “You really are a bitch, do you really think your over fucked vagina is what Sam needs or wants? If you do then you’re more delusional than I first thought. You’re wrong on us splitting up too Janet, because we haven’t split up bitch. Zoë, ‘Miss Information,’ informed you wrongly, another whore who thinks she can have my fiancé.
Well, let me tell you what’s happening in my life, one that you seem to need to know about, you really are a dumb bitch. I’m working away for the summer, as I’m a chef and not a schoolgirl anything. Sam he is going to come for sex filled weekends. I warned you to move before and keep away from me you made a BIG mistake.” Say it enough Michelle, you’re kidding yourself. He hates me now. I grab her shoulder and squeeze so hard she screams, her friends come near I threaten to rip her shoulder off if they come closer. Not possible really, but it sounded good, she hits me again, big mistake.
I pummel the shit out of her, and didn’t blink once. I lean down as she screams again.
“When you get out of hospital, fucking move and don’t even think about going to the police with what I’ve done. This was self-defence, you came at me remember? Despite me warning you numerous times, that I defend myself and well, do you not remember that bitch? You though, blackmail is far worse a crime to commit and Andy thankfully keeps brilliant records of all your pay offs, and the house he gave you and you ran as and still run as a fucking brothel. Did you really think he didn’t keep records dealing with you? See thinking with your vagina again, use your brain cell. It’s a little lonely, but works better? My brain is firing on all cylinders now and wants to kill you.”
She grabbed at my leg and I kicked her in the shoulder, I may have dislocated it, not self-defence tonight, more a revenge beating! The Jollies come to her rescue eventually and try to hold me back. It took a couple of the Jolly’s to get me off her, which they did. Her friends dragged her away and after she left, I was allowed to leave too. My pretty white-virgin-no-more-dress is all messed up.
Oh, but that felt good. Now quickly home, home on my own. Sam wouldn’t have left me, but Sam wouldn’t let me get that drunk and be on my own. He carried me home and put me to bed, the one time I did get drunk, at the meal that night, which had been so lovely. I smiled he wouldn’t let me get in a fight either, shit I was in a fight, erg then I threw up again. I lay on the steps, looking at the stars and lay waiting for a visit from the freshly fucked Sam, the heavens open and the rain falls, but I lay and watch the water dropping down from the sky and wetting me through, it hides my tears well, as I scream at the sky to stop crying.
Then the next thing I remember I’m dancing in the pouring rain on the field like a bloody idiot. I got home somehow, my white dress covered in mud, sick and blood and my shoes are missing? I went straight to bed, my head buried deep in the pillows, to stop the damn room from spinning and the walls closing in on me, I am wet cold and feel sick my head has a full bloody marching band and they have got bloody clogs on, wow my head hurts. Waking up, JJ was laughing at the end of my bed.
“Oh go away my headaches little man.” What had I done last night? I know I walked home alone at about midnight I had a fight with Janet, danced in the field and erg what else happened? I heard a knocking at the door, next thing mum was shouting me down
“Michelle, someone’s here for you at the door.” I looked out of the window a motorbike parked up? I went down stairs to the door, and he was there.
“Paul, what do you want? Did I not make myself clear last night?” He looked at me and just shrugged his shoulders
“Where did you disappear to last night?” I looked at him was he so stupid?
“Home, I told you I wasn’t well and I really am still not well, so what can I do for you?”
“I thought you might like to go out with me, I thought that was what you agreed to by going out with me last night.” I was shocked.
“I’m not being funny Paul, I’ve just been dumped and am not in the right place to be going out with anyone at the moment and I’m still not over Sam. I told you I wasn’t interested and I paid you well for my drinks and in money, not in kind, just in case you seem to think you’re owed?” I had been honest with Paul.
“Well, how about just coming out, as friends then? I won’t try anything on with you, but please just give it some thought, how about the pictures tonight?”
“No Paul, you’re not what I want. You’re a fucking lunatic, getting me drunk to have sex like the rest of the whores you take on the market, phone calls, stalking? Go away and don’t come back. Please, don’t bother me again now leave please my head is killing me, ha and you as my boyfriend, it will never happen, I will never want you. If I can’t have Sam, I don’t want anyone, so please leave me alone.”
He left mad as hell and under his helmet he was seething mad and swearing. Ouch my headaches, how much did I fucking drink? I had a quiet Saturday in my room. Turns out, I’d stripped at the door, my dirty white dress was on a rose bush, and my shoes were in a conifer tree in the garden. I slept in my under slip and underwear, thank God I stripped at the door and not on the field. Deep joy… I was lectured on drinking, for stopping out late without permission, they grounded me, eighteen and I’m grounded what the hell? I shut the door and locked it I spent the day reading and crying looking at my rings and wondering what to do with them? Give them back, keep them, sell them, take them back to the shop and ask them to refund Sam’s money? I put them away. I had a, pamper myself day, hair in conditioner, face pack and slices of cucumbers, over my tired of crying eyes, water drank and books read. I sleep a full night’s sleep with no crying, yes.
The next day was dance exam Sunday. I went for my nipper’s pre exam class exam, they all looked so posh and nice in their frocks, and so grown up in their shirt and ties. They were chatting and getting very excited, Ellie and I danced the dances they thought they needed help with, but they didn’t need it they would sail through, they were very good. I danced the dances we needed as our time slot approached. My name is called and I went upstairs.
“Right, Michelle, you will be fine.” Lee was an amazing dancer. I danced for what seemed like an eternity. Both Ellie and I did well. We would get our results at the next lesson. I changed shoes and ambled down the stairs. He was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs.
“You don’t give up do you?” He asked how my exam went. “It went fine thanks. What are you doing here Paul?” He held my hand.
“Trying to get you to go out with me again and wearing you down.” I laughed, did he really think after Friday I would entertain, him and me? No chance at all. I only wanted Sam he was always in my thoughts. No one else would ever take his place.
“You’re doing that all right. No bike?”
“Not for the rest of today.” I wanted to take my hand way, but he had a tight grip on it. I shook it free. He wa
s lacking something in the brain department what part of no did he not understand?
“I have to get home Paul. I go to university tomorrow for my week of placement there and still have to sort out the things for that and fill in a load of paperwork.” He was weird and the stalking thing and the things he wanted to do to me, with me weirder? He wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to use him. I told him Friday it was a friends only visit before he took me to Heaven, I made that very clear, obviously not clear enough…
He was too into me and in an awful way, was he mad? After what he did Friday the whole drunk and market thing was definitely an off putter even if I had found him wanting of another chance. I wanted time to get my head around the whole Sam debacle. He left me at the pub and went in alone, after I told him goodbye and no hard feelings. Then I had the next day of uni to prepare for I went home, one bad stalker told to do one and off I went.
First day in university, I had a massive sports hold all for some of the fresh uniforms I would be getting today. I loved my first walk around. I watched as the hustle and bustle in the really massive kitchens. New friends made on my tour of my new uni, but would it be? I had phoned the Fylde Coast University and I could go there, it was a better course too, they had contacted college and my predicted grades alone got me the offer of a place. It helped too that I had a place here it had been enough for them to offer me a place too.
I still had to talk Gramps into stopping there. He loved it and I did and so too did Grams, easy. We were here there and everywhere, orders bellowed out, noise commotion and yet order, the hustle and bustle made my heart jump. Yes this was I wanted. We did a few introductions to the teachers, who would be teaching us. The week here was great I had actually helped with the Lord Mayors Luncheon, making the bread. A sudden barrage of sick calls from half of the final year meant we have to help, absolute bliss. No more visits from Paul. I could have sworn he was in the area though his bike could be heard. Then again, he wasn’t the only lad with a bike.
A Life Plan Without You. Page 69