My Name Is Saved

by Jameka Brown 2012

  We both laugh.

  My heartbeat slows; I can feel it thump less and less. But Mama’s presence holds me. Her beliefs swarm like the loving intentions they are. The lights go out, the last breaths release, and I gently begin termination. As everything shuts down, words with no meaning or precedence repeat in my head, until consciousness depletes.

  Feed me and you shall be fed thrice fold

  Love me and you shall never go unloved

  Live for me and you shall never wander

  Chapter 4

  A cool wetness awakes me. “Mama?” I call out before my eyes fully focus on the man with black hair and oval eyes. My adrenaline rushes and I shoot away from him and run into someone else. Then I realize there are at least forty people of the same lightly tan complexion as the man I awoke to; each one of them gawking at me. “Who are you?” I move back to the metal table. “What do you want?” The walls are gray and solid as the table I woke up on. Flames on sticks light the remainder of the room. Four more metal tables host the staring people. Two large sinks sit against one wall. While another wall is filled with long two door red cabinets.

  Someone has dressed me in tight silver and black pants and top. I run my hands along the smooth silk like fabric.

  A woman wearing a long green robe leans heavily on a sculpted wood stick. She moves lethargically towards me. “We wish only to help you child.” She lowers hers rickety bones onto my bed. “We have believed for many years that we are the only survivors of the purge. You are a sight for sore eyes.” She touches my arm without flinching. No frowns bend her features. She traces the length of my arm with her hand as if she doesn’t quite believe I am real. I can’t believe she’s touching me.

  “Where are we?” I ask her.

  “You are in the bunkers of what’s left of Asia,” a younger man says. I turn towards him. “The air testers found you three days ago, near death,” the man says and steps forward. “How do you breathe without assistance?” Could this be the place that sent me away?

  I shrug my shoulders. “Mama says I was born in the pollution, so it doesn’t harm me.” The room stirs but I can’t understand what the others are saying. They speak in a strange tongue. “Eighteen years ago I was found in a capsized boat on the lands of what was once known as Europe. Did I come from here?”

  The crowd speaks softly to one another. “No, everyone is accounted for,” the man says. I rub my head. I guess it isn’t really all that important. The simple fact that I am alive is a small miracle. Now I have a chance to fight for life, like Mama always wanted me to do.

  “Thank you for helping me get well,” I say to the room. “I hope it wasn’t too much trouble.”

  “It was and is no trouble at all,” the old woman says. “It’s not every day that the Universe answers our questions.” The Universe? What is the Universe? “You may stay as long as you like.” The old woman creaks to her feet. The people in the room hurry to her side. She waves them off. “Do not fuss over me; I am very capable of seeing myself out of the room.” She begins walking towards the door, and then stops. “Forgive my manners, how easy I forget that you do not know me. My name is Seer.” Really? Is she pulling my leg?

  Apparently not, her face remains the same. So I walk over to her and hold out my hand. “Saved,” I say.

  “Ah, of course it is. Come and see me when you are all settled in.” The woman says before departing the room. After a few curious stares the room finally clears out aside from the first man I saw. He leans against the wall intensely gazing at me. My skin begins to crawl like it does when someone is making me aware of my difference. It was kind of the woman to invite me to stay, but I don’t want a repeat existence.

  “Can you show me to my boat please?” I ask him. Garden Home may not want me, but Mama does, that is going to have to be enough.

  The man pushes off the wall. His white coat is open showcasing black pants and a white shirt. He stalks me as I move back. “You’re an amazing find,” he says, while cornering me. “An albino intersex human that has the ability to survive the surface poison is just insane; yet here I am, trying to sift through my medical brain for some logical explanation.”

  He’s so close to my eyes that my bladder begins to tremble in fear. Does he want to eat me? “Mama’s says God created me, but Papa doesn’t think so. So I don’t know. But in Garden Home, there is a woman, Bethany, who says the atmosphere is just turned upside down. Something about oxygen thrives underground now, and the harmful gases from the core of the earth thrive up top. I don’t know anything else.”

  The man looks at me, then immediately backs away. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I haven’t seen anything this bizarre in a long time. I got a little carried away.”

  Bizarre, that’s a new one. Or maybe no one ever said it to my face before. “Can you show me to my boat, please?” I ask him while clenching my fist.

  He holds both of his hands up in a show of surrender. “Hey, relax. I didn’t mean to insinuate anything negative. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re healthier than the people living in Horizon.” He steps closer to me. “I’m truly sorry, Saved.” His eyes are what convince me to simmer. I release my fists. The man holds out his hand. “I’m Dr. Nu. If you still want to go after I show you around, then I’ll take you to your boat.”

  Dr. Nu didn’t come out and say I’m normal, but it was close enough. Besides Mama, he is the only one who has come close to saying I’m magnificent. Garden Home isn’t going anywhere. “That would be nice, thank you.”

  Dr. Nu claps his hands. “Yes! Now I can pick your brain. You’re such an interesting person.” He puts his hands on my shoulders and steers me into the candlelit hallway. “Don’t hesitate to interrupt me and ask any questions you might have”

  There is one thing I want to know. So I ask him before he begins. “What is the Universe?”

  He emits a deep smile. “That my friend is the reason you are so glorious. Allow me to show you what we believe to be the truth.” Dr. Nu has me in the palm of his hands.

  Chapter 5

  Dr. Nu opens the sliding doors to the metal village. What I see is enough to make my brain stall. We walk down the center of endless mounds of rolled dirt. Two separate mounds on each side.

  “What is that?” I ask.

  “Before the purge, this is how we grew our food.” He lowers his head. “We maintain our fields and all nature in hopes the Universe will reward us with vegetation.

  People are using a flat shaped tool attached to a pole to stir the dirt around. Others are digging holes in the ground and placing plants into them. They wilt as soon as the earth closes around them. Food no longer comes from the ground, but the walls. They must know this or they wouldn’t be alive, right?

  Dr. Nu continues walking in his fields, nodding every so often at the people turning the dirt. “You are a westerner, correct?” I nod my head. “You are of the belief of God, correct?” I say nothing to this but follow along. “Well in the east we never gave credence to such feeble talk. Here everything is what you call God.” What? I thought listening intently. “I can see that I have lost you.” Dr. Nu stops in front of a small house with dirt where grass usually thrives. He opens the gate indicating I should walk in. “This is my home, I will explain more over a cup of hot tea.”

  Inside his kitchen sits a table and a small stove on the counter. There is no refrigerator, or cooking appliances. What in the world do they eat here? Dr. Nu places a cup in front of me and a napkin with a small brown substance that is the length of my fingernail. I pick it up and sniff it. It smells like decayed food. I put it down and sip my tea. “What is that?”

  “It’s food, the exact amount of nutrients your body needs,” Dr Nu says pointing at mine. “We pumped you full of this stuff while you were out, but you’re body’s still recovering.”

  “Do you not have regular food here? Like fruit and vegetables, and grains,” I ask him. I could really go for Mama’s sweet potatoes and greens, with
hot chili puree.

  “You saw the fields. The ground isn’t fertile yet. The pills are all we have.”

  They really don’t know. “Food grows in the walls, not the ground.”

  Dr. Nu stares. “Really?” I nod my head. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I’m the fastest picker in Garden Home.” No wonder his hair is sticking out at odd angles, and his eyes are always moving. He’s half crazy. Food is more than nourishment, it’s spiritual.

  “Can you show me?” He asks.

  I shrug. “Sure. Then will you tell me about the Universe?”

  Dr. Nu slaps himself in the head. “Right, the Universe.” He pushes his chair closer to mine. “It’s simple. You have the earth, which is solid. You can touch it, feel it, and hold it if you want to. Then there’s the Universe. It’s like air, you can’t see it but you know it’s all around you. The whole of reality is made up of this solid and gaseous relationship.” I sip my cup of tea and watch his hands draw invisible pictures in the air. “Each entity whether it is living or not is made up of Earth, the body; and Universe, the chi, or energy inside.” Dr. Nu pats his chest. “There is only one Universe, and one Earth, therefore everything and everyone is cut from the same cloth. When the Universe needs to repair damage in its home, it breathes energy into Mother Earth creating a servant to heal it. These bodies hold the energy, it is a purposeful energy that directs our physical actions, and it is only energy that can communicate with the Universe.” Dr. Nu shakes his head. “We are for love and about love. The westerners destroyed our world because they placed pleasures of the flesh over the will of the Universe.”

  Sparks were igniting inside my being. His words did not fully settle into home, but they were building a feeling of okay, of maybe, and of something that I might not have a choice in believing in. His words of love are warmth, but I have to ask. “The bible has helped my people survive; its way of living gives them a sense of right and wrong. How does the Universe do that for you?”

  Dr. Nu smiles at me. “What is love to you?”

  I know, but I think over it for a second. “It’s an unconditional respect of others, including animals.”

  “And what is love of the bible?” He asks me.

  “It is conditional. You receive it only if you follow its law to the letter.”

  “Precisely,” he shakes his head fervently. “It is inherent within us to know that we must lead with love, with our chi.” He smiles. “It is a known fact that if you love something or someone you wish only to see them prevail.” He’s right; I would never want harm to befall any of the people in Garden Home. I only want them to accept me. “If you do not adhere to the voice or the words of the Universe, you will still return to the Universe when you die, but you will suffer greatly on this Earth.” There might be some truth to his words. I have been suffering since I entered this world. “That is when focus of pleasuring the flesh begins to cloud the window of your chi.”

  Each syllable rings a tune that mirrors a natural melody. Still, God is something that is not easily replaced. “If the Universe sends people to repair damage, and gives each entity a purpose, or task to fulfill. Did this same energy not create the disciples to write the bible, and send Jesus to save our souls? Are they not children of the Universe?”

  Dr. Nu rocks in his chair like a child. His eyes sparkle with joy. “You are a smart one,” he says. “Do you see my hand?”

  “Yes.”

  “This is merely flesh, skin, and bone derived from the very ground you stand on.”

  He pinches me. I smack his hand away and rub the sore area. “What was that for?”

  “That hurts, right?” I nod my head. “You don’t want that to happen again, right?” Again I nod my head. “How are you going to prevent that?”

  “By moving away from you or watching you closely.”

  “Exactly, your brain is telling you that your body is in danger. It tells you when you’re cold, hungry, happy, sad, and a host of other emotions. You’ve been designed to keep your vessel alive long enough to complete your task.” I run my hands over my face, what does this have to do with my question? “Food, shelter, and clothing are the essential entities that you need to maintain the physical health of your body.” Dr. Nu raises another finger. “Love and Laughter are necessities for the health of the chi.” He sits back. “That’s it; those are all the things you need in this life.”

  Finally I just ask him. “The bible?”

  “Patience is a virtue my friend.” So is honor, and that word has several different definitions. One of them most likely will praise me for imprisoning him for wasting my time. “Someone came along and decided that rocks and minerals are to die for. Objects, contraptions, and resources were feigned over. Wealth of paper became the definition of a meaningful life.” Dr. Nu waves his hands in the air. “There were so many unnecessary things that people desire because it gave them a false sense of security or eased their pain; even if it was only temporary.”

  “The bible?” I say again. Why is he avoiding my question?

  “Tell me Saved. How have people treated you? We’re they nice, mean, loving?”

  I look away from him. “They were mean.”

  “How did that make you feel?” How does he think it made me feel? My fists are beginning to clench again. “Ah, not so good I imagine. Now what if you had the opportunity to make all of those people fall at your feet? How would that make you feel?”

  My hands relax. “It’ll be nice, I suppose.”

  “Would you let that go?”

  “No, I would find a way to make them love me for all time.” It dawned on me, I would. If I could go back to Garden Home and change everyone’s view so that they welcomed me, I would never let the magic go.

  “Why?”

  “It hurts to be rejected.”

  “It hurts,” Dr. Nu repeats. “You’re right; it hurts to be at the bottom. It’s demeaning to be stepped on. To be singled out because of nature’s decision. No it doesn’t feel good to be the second fiddle.” Dr. Nu leans in. “But to have a bottom you must have a top. Someone, a person of the flesh had to create the standard. I’m willing to bet they would agree with you.” Dr. Nu crosses his arms over his chest. “So what did they do to keep the reigns? They created fears, set bars so high no one but them could reach; they created conflict and chaos. All for the simple notion of control and power, so they wouldn’t ever have to feel rejected again.” Dr. Nu holds up his hand before I can say anything. “Religions such as the bible were created as one of the fear tactics to keep people in line, then it became a notion for war. My religion is right, your religion is wrong so we’re going to fight to the death.” Dr. Nu shakes his head. “It was all so ridiculous.”

  “The bible reduces acting out of desires. What are you talking about?” I ask.

  Dr. Nu sighs. “The bible preaches hate and intolerance of anything different from it. Now instead of five or six well trained soldiers, now you have a whole nation of people ready to lay down their lives for something that is simply not true. You have security in every building waiting to assault any questioning heart. But most importantly they spend their lives devoting their time to someone else’s cause, and their tasks set by the Universe goes untouched. The result is societies living in bunkers with no end in sight. That is the crime and the success of the bible.” Dr. Nu waves his hand again.

  If I hadn’t spent eighteen years living his words, I would call him a sinner. The people that live the Gospel preach love, but dish out hate. The bible being created as a way to control people is a little too farfetched for me to grasp. Mama is the best person I know and she loves Jesus with all her heart. Then again she did force me to choose whether to be male or female, just so I won’t sin in bed. If she is unaware of the truths, does it make her a bad person for causing me pain?

  The Universe is a concept I have never heard of before. Its magnitude sounds eerie, but the light that appears in the man’s eyes when he speaks of it is so pure that it almo
st touches me. “May I stay, and learn from you?” I ask. What if the voice in my dream is this Universe and it is speaking to me? I don’t want to disregard my purpose. The notion in itself pumps my blood.

  “I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Dr. Nu slaps me on the back. “Glad I can open your mind to the truth.” There are many truths in the world. Whether this is one is yet to be seen, but I’m open, I’m willing to let that voice drive my choice. Isn’t that what it comes down too, choice?

  “If you still want me to, I’ll show you how to harvest the food now.” I smile as he rubs his belly. “Just show me your darkest area.” It’s the least I can do to repay him for showing me such kindness.

  Dr. Nu pops up. “Yes! Right this way my friend.” He steers me to the door. “There is one thing I meant to ask. Do you identify as a boy or girl?” I freeze. “Hey, it doesn’t make a difference, I am only asking so I don’t insult you.”

  Really? Maybe I should stop overreacting and allow Dr. Nu and his people a chance to show me who they are. This is not Garden Home, I have to remember that. “I am both a boy and a girl; it is how I was born.”

  Dr. Nu pats me on the back and nods his head. “Good for you, Saved.” We walk out into the newness of acceptance, and into the incubation of a possibly deeper more fulfilling meaning. Mama was right again. I was looking for something, and I found it in love.

  Chapter 6

  After Dr. Nu asks another to cover for him, I follow him down to the lowest level. He stops on the last stair where a metal wall blocks our path. Of course they don’t know about the food, there is metal everywhere locking them in.