The 'N' Word, Book 1

by Tiana Laveen

  “What did Patti look like? Not sure why that matters but I’ll tell ya anyway. Well, she had a hip that would rotate like an old meat grinder when she’d walk, and an obvious limp that made her always appear as if she was gettin’ ready to drop to the ground or her knee would buckle out from underneath her any second, but would catch herself just in time. Patti wore thick, dark blue rimmed glasses that made her eyes look like tiny specs of black dust. The damn things took up her entire heart shaped face. Her face, yeah…” He smiled a bit wider. “Her forehead was framed by dark, chocolate brown bangs cut straight across like a Chinese girl’s.

  “Regardless of not being able to see a damn thing—Patti was legally blind—she still drove everywhere, and despite walking like a broken down, rusty robot on the fritz, she had the strength of ten guys, Dr. Owens. I saw this woman move shit that would make many men’s backs break in half. She’d bend low to the ground, swoop up the packages like she was DHL’s secret weapon, and high tail it back to her beaten down, dusty, red Ford pick up truck. ‘Wash Me’ was always written in the rear window by some kid who liked to poke fun… sometimes it was me that had done the writing. Anyway, I’d wait in the passenger seat, sucking on my own sweat in that hot ass thing! I remember how my shirts would stick to me on her runs, the fabric getting darker as it held to my wet skin like I’d taken a bath in rubber cement.

  “I’d become one with the thing, but I was happy as I melted to fuckin’ death. Sweat… Dr. Owens, that is a true sign of hard work, you know? I’ve never been afraid to get a little dirty, sweaty, beat up by the grind, hard drudgery. Patti had a good work ethic, I believed that. So,” he shrugged, “I’d just keep sitting there drinking my own perspiration. I’d swipe the tip of my tongue over the corners of my lips, taking in the wet salty flavor of my skin… funny how memories are… I’d forgotten all about that. It was a little thing I’d do when nervousness and excitement got together inside of me…”

  “Excitement… So, you enjoyed observing her commit these crimes?”

  “I did, but usually I’d just wait in that truck and daydream or sleep. Sometimes, as I waited, I’d look up at her truck roof,” He looked up at the office ceiling, imaging himself back in that vehicle once more. “And I’d stare at all the oddly shaped holes, the missing fabric, and how the crown upholstery was saggy in some spots, ripped apart in others. It was like a monster had climbed up in there and got caught, stuck underneath it and fought like hell to get out. I never knew how her truck got like that… but it intrigued me just the same. She’d come busting back in, get in the driver’s seat, and off down the road we’d go to our next stop. We’d go on, week after week, like the shit was nothin’. She’d jump out and do the same damn thing, until the neighborhood was picked clean. She never got caught, either.”

  “Aaron, did you see anything wrong with Patti’s actions at the time?”

  He shrugged, his lips twisted to the side as he deliberated.

  “I mean, I knew she was doin’ it and I knew she wasn’t supposed to be, if that’s what you mean. I knew it was illegal, too. I was the only one that knew what she did. She only took me along with her, no one else, and I never squealed on ’er. Yeah, I knew it was stealing. But… it was Patti and to me,” he said, pointing to himself, “Patti was a good person, so it was no biggie. She hustled, she endured. She didn’t do it to have more shit; she did it so she could pay her damn bills. Her job cookin’ at a restaurant didn’t pay nearly enough, and she helped take care of other people, too.”

  “So.” Dr. Owens met his gaze and leaned back in his chair, causing it to squeak. “You excused the behavior, the robberies, because she was a good person and the people she stole from presumably had more money than you and she did?”

  “Pretty much, that about sums it up.”

  They two men eyeballed one another for a moment or two.

  “It’s real interesting,” Aaron smirked as he pointed lazily at the man, “how you sit there and pass silent judgment.”

  “I’m not passing judgment, Aaron.”

  “Yeah, you are. Not everyone can afford fancy schools.” He quickly broke their gaze and looked around the man’s office, taking note of his various degrees, accreditations, and awards all framed in gold. “Not everyone had parents that believed in their kids, encouraged them to reach for their dreams and get an education.”

  “…I know that, Aaron.”

  “Yeah, you know it.” He tapped his temple. “In your mind, right? But you don’t believe it. Not really, not truly in your heart. You can’t help yourself. A little slimy toad will never understand the life of a cunning eagle, and vice versa. They are far too different… Anyway, you have to remember: I was only a kid when this stuff was happening and this woman stepped in when I needed her most. I’d known this woman since I was five, Dr. Owens. Patti was all I had, the only person I could rely on.”

  The man before him sat a bit straighter and clasped his hands around his knee. He looked into Dr. Owens’ light blue eyes, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Questions… So many damn questions.

  “Okay, Aaron, let’s take a step back for a moment. Tell me more about the stealing.”

  “Why is that important? You callin’ the cops on ’er or somethin’? She’s dead, and besides, the statute of limitations has run out.” He smirked.

  “Of course not. I think it may play a bigger part here, so, if you don’t mind, tell me what she’d do with the things she’d stolen.”

  “Some of the crap she’d taken she’d keep, some she’d give away to other kids, our parents, and to me. The stuff left over she’d sell. Whatever didn’t sell, she’d take to some little store that was like a pawnshop and try to get a buck or two for it.”

  “I understand. You stated she was your neighbor, so I imagine, in many ways, she was similar to you and the other people you knew around the neighborhood as well.”

  “In some ways she was, in some ways she wasn’t… She was a neighbor, but not right next door. She lived down the street from my parents; her house was a half run down thing with a bright red door and a big American flag on a short pole. She’d always helped out, bringing over home cooked desserts, offering to babysit, things like that.” He fell deeper into the smooth and soothing memories…

  Her cheap perfume used to drive me crazy, especially in the summer time, but then, I started to like it… I miss Patti…

  A sinking feeling overcame him, began to take him down.

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he stated coolly as he glanced at the boy with the gun, then turned back towards Dr. Owens.

  “Why not, Aaron?”

  “Don’t push the issue. Just let it go.”

  “I simply asked a question,” the man stated calmly as he leaned slightly forward in his chair, a look of concern in his eyes.

  “Look, I don’t have a problem talking about this… I agreed to talk about it, but this is enough for today. That’s it for now, alright?” Aaron slowly stood from his seat and tucked his hands under his pits, instantly feeling warmth wrap around his fingers.

  “Okay, Aaron. I understand. I know you need to hold on to a bit of control. I understand why you are doing this.”

  “That’s not it. That’s not it at all.”

  The man looked at him quizzically. “Well, then, what is it?”

  “I can’t give you something I haven’t given myself yet.”

  “What haven’t you given yourself yet, Aaron?”

  “Permission to feel this way…”

  And with that, he turned his back and offered not another word as he waited patiently for the guard to arrive, and return him to his cell so he could die and be born again, all at once. His half-dead self was trying to gain strength, to give a damn… His feelings were growing voices and after a long hibernation, they wanted to spread their wings, and be heard once more…

  Chapter Ten

  “BECAUSE IT’S NOT a good idea, and I want you to stop talkin’ to him, that’s why!” Tru
dy blurted into the phone, unable to contain herself a second longer. She sat at her kitchen table, drowning in hullabaloo from the television, the noise from outside, and the ruckus of her children fighting and running about. But there were far more pressing issues than a bit of noise pollution. Mia had lost her ever-loving mind…

  She’d made the woman come clean after she discovered her the previous night tucked away under her sheets like a child sneaking to read a book past bedtime. Mia had not opened her door to let her in, even though she was well aware that they were to go out for dinner. Miffed, Trudy removed her spare key from her purse and made herself at home, only to stumble into her cousin in her bedroom covered by an avalanche of hand-written letters and the silliest of smiles on her face.

  The place smelled of cigarettes, but Mia was a nonsmoker. Trudy had had enough, certain she’d entered an insane asylum as she snatched one of the damn things off the bed. Mia chased her around the home, cursing and demanding her written addiction to be immediately returned. She handed it back alright, after she’d run off, driven home, and read all five pages in the comfort of her kitchen… and now she was on the phone with the lady demanding answers, and she wanted them NOW.

  The jailbird, prison partner, male in a cell was vying for her dear cousin, hard! Trudy had never read such things, some horrifying while others so beautifully penned, you’d swear he was a descendant of Shakespeare himself. This A.P. person was a Machiavellian charmer, saying all the right things in just the right way. Boy, could he lay it on thick, and Mia was falling for it, becoming the snake’s latest victim. Trudy swallowed a bit of relief when she realized Mia had not sent him any money, nor did he request any according to her cousin, but who truly knew the truth? Nothing the woman said could be trusted if she’d keep a secret such as this. And now she was left right back at where she’d begun, full of unanswered questions…

  He’s just biding his time. He’ll ask her for some cash, soon. They always do!

  She tried to feel sorry for the woman, but danced closer to the edge of anger more than anything else. The complete deception! Mia was always sneaky; the kind of woman who’d smile and parade around as if nothing were amiss, then, come to find out, she’d orchestrate an entire world, such as lavish party planning, trips, you name it – and you’d only become ‘in on the situation’ once she handed you your plane ticket and announced, ‘Be there in three hours…’ It had been only a matter of time before the woman struck again, having the world fall back onto the mercy of her duplicitous ways.

  “I warned you, Mia.” Her voice shook with uneasiness as she gripped that damn letter tighter. “I asked you to stop working there!”

  “You invaded my privacy and now are acting like you are owed an explanation.”

  “I am!”

  “Trudy, last I checked, I’m an adult. I have this under control,” the smart alec heffa said coolly.

  “Obviously you don’t! You’re writing love letters ’nd shit with a damn convict! These ain’t no, ‘Let’s pray together’ type correspondence. This is some, ‘When I get outta this here joint I’m going to fuck you so good and hard you’ll wake up with the goddamn kangaroos! In a land down under!”

  “Trudy, cut it out,” Mia said dryly, as if her valuable time were being wasted.

  “No, I won’t cut it out. This is all because of you being at that damn place! I knew it was only a matter of time… you’re lonely… all that man meat piled up like sliced of bologna at a damn deli!”

  “This has nothing to do with working there, or the reading class, Trudy. That’s not how we met. That’s not how we met at all.”

  “Doesn’t matter! Due to you working there in the first place, volunteering to be a damn hooked on phonics specialist, you got caught up by that head doctor’s proposal for these pen pals and now you’ve lost your damn mind. Mia… Lord have mercy.” Trudy gripped her hair with her free hand and gave a tug. “Turn that shit down!” she screamed out as one of her children played, “Little Einstein” in full blast.

  Undoubtedly, being cooped away in the woods like that all by her lonesome had turned her little Mia into some mentally depraved person, someone clinging to an inmate who had, at the very least, put his damn hands on somebody, and it wasn’t for no goddamn massage! The man was in prison for assault and battery according to what she’d read in his letter. She tried to look him up, but on this particular note all he’d done was sign with his damn initials… He could be anybody.

  “All I see is A.P. on here. What’s his name?”

  “I’m not telling you. All you’ll do is try to look him up…”

  They both went quiet for a spell.

  “Trudy, you don’t understand. Look, I’m tired. We can talk about this in the morning and I want that letter back, too.”

  “You’re tired? How about dead? Would you prefer to be dead, Mia? When he gets out he might be one of those crazed maniacs that slices throats for fun. He is seeing a damn psychiatrist!”

  “Mia, almost all inmates are required to see a psychiatrist and, for your information, that is the right thing to do! If you were in prison, you may want to see one as well. It’s a really rough life.”

  “What kinda shit are you on, Mia? I refuse to believe you’re this stupid!”

  “I’m not taking anything, damn it.” She heard the woman sigh. “Why do you think I didn’t tell you? Because of this sort of reaction right here! And besides, this is different than you think. This pen pal program is really helping him. So what that I enjoy talking to him? We have a connection that I don’t expect you to understand.”

  “Do you see how you sound?! You’re gettin’ in over your head. You look for his letters in the mail, you creep away into your bedroom after they arrive, and then you read them over and over as if they are the declarations of a long lost lover that has gone off to war. You’re falling for him. You’ve been cooped up in that house so long, you’re starting to lose your mind, not to mention dealin’ with all those kids with all those problems! Mia, I’m saying this because I care… You’re crackin’ up.”

  The woman on the other end was silent for a moment or two, entirely too damn long.

  “Mia…”

  “Yes?”

  “Cut it out! Don’t write that man another single letter. You made him feel better, okay, fine. Your good deed is done now be finished with it all.”

  “I can’t…and I don’t want to.”

  “And just why the hell not?”

  “Because…I really care about him, Trudy.” She yawned, seemingly unmoved by the severity of the situation, and disregarded her screams and curses. Mia barely argued with her that evening… now that was unheard of.

  “Mia… tell me something, please. Have you seen him?”

  There was no answer, as if her cousin’s voice had been sucked into a damn vacuum, never to return.

  “You have, haven’t you?”

  “Yes…”

  “Where, how, and why?!”

  “The prison… I have my ways… because I needed to put a face with the letters, see who I was speaking with.”

  “…And what did he look like?”

  “Danger covered in flesh, hot flames jumping in his bright eyes, tall as a city building, wide and hard as a brick wall covered in graffiti and just…damn…near…beautiful. Trudy…you just don’t understand. We understand each other so well… Yeah, I like him, okay? I like him as more than a friend. I didn’t mean for this to happen, but it did, and neither you nor nobody else is goin’ to make me stop speaking to him. We’ve all made mistakes and we’ve all needed forgiveness. You ain’t a saint, and we’re all sinners. Now give me my damn letter back and leave me the hell alone about it… I have an early morning ahead of me.”

  Trudy placed her hand over her chest, taken aback by the shocking declarations. She’d expected the typical rundown of hair color, height, things of that nature. Instead, Mia flooded her with poetic words, and cursed her out, too…

  “Jesus … Mia, you’ve do
ne gone and fallen in love with a felon! God help you!”

  THE STEELY BARS felt colder than usual…

  He wrapped his hand around one, and then the other, pushing aside the loud moans from down the way as he simply stood there, married to thoughts he hadn’t had in so many years. But his deliberations were choppy, interrupted time and time again. A prisoner wailed out, demanding to be heard despite repeated ignored protests. Aaron’s palms felt cool against the iron, and as he took a deep breath, he inhaled the stale air. He slowly looked to his left then to his right, becoming strangely more aware of his surroundings; in a different way, things were sinking in, messing with his mind, slowly tearing him apart…

  He felt more than ever like an animal behind bars, caged, shackled. Being believed to be dangerous had its pros and cons, but this time, it was definitely a con. He found himself gripping the damned bars, over and over like stress balls, wishing he had the power to melt them away with a mere glance. The man he’d stomped into soup had slipped into a coma, and his new attorney, an intelligent, sly guy he’d had the pleasure of getting to know as of late, was working diligently on obtaining statements that would corroborate his side of the thing. Regardless, for the first time, he was beginning to lose hope.

  Maybe Donna was right all along… Maybe I’ve got too much of a past and this time, I’m just not gettin’ out of this…

  He made his way back to his bed then looked lazily up at the sliver of a window in his bunk. The damn thing had a row of bars too, a prison cell within a prison cell as it were. A wispy trace of sunshine broke through, making him smile ever so slightly. Grunting a bit, he placed his arm across his ribcage. He’d worked out a bit too rigorously, doing pushups to the triple digits to burn off some steam, but he went on and ignored the discomfort. Instead, he concentrated on something much more pleasant…

  A new letter from Melissa…

  A package really, not a letter. Wrapped in bright red paper, the box had been taped back together after a thorough penitentiary inspection. He surmised she’d had it looking much prettier before security had gotten a hold of it – clawed into the thing like the motherfucking monsters they were.