The Chicolini Incident: A Rex Nihilo Adventure (Starship Grifters Universe Book 0)

by Robert Kroese

  “Overheard some talk at… Chicolini Spaceport. Salmon Brigade bought five thousand lazepistols. Planning on using them to take over Trentino.”

  “I can see how that would be a problem for you,” said Rex. “But can we conclude our current negotiations before embarking on new business? If I’m remembering correctly, Cheekbones here was about to agree to all our demands and help me load up my ship with those blue rocks.”

  Glenn shook his head. “Our petty quarrels can wait,” he said.

  “Can they?” asked Rex. “People always say that about petty quarrels, but I always say the best time for a petty quarrel is right now.”

  “Glenn’s right,” said Cheekbones. “If we’re going to fight off Salmon Brigade, we need to cooperate.”

  “No!” cried Rex. “Cooperation never solves anything. Violence, that’s the answer!”

  “We’re going to need more of those lazepistols,” said Glenn. “We need to arm everybody on Trentino.” Cheekbones nodded.

  Rex looked like he was about to cry. “OK, look,” he said. “This Salmon Brigade? Not as dangerous as you think. Glenn, your people can easily handle them without resorting to cooperation with this separatist scum. No offense, Cheekbones.”

  Cheekbones shrugged.

  “What do you know of Salmon Brigade?” asked Glenn skeptically.

  “Sir,” I began. “Maybe it isn’t a good idea –”

  “Stow it, Sasha,” Rex growled. “OK, I’m going to level with you guys. Before I came to Trentino, we made a deal to sell guns to these guys in Chicolini City. I didn’t know much about them at the time, but I’m pretty sure they’re your Salmon Brigade. When I realized what a dangerous group they were, I refused to sell them the lazepistols. So you see, Salmon Brigade is no threat. They never got the guns.”

  Glenn and Cheekbones stared at Rex, and then turned to face each other.

  “Alright,” Rex went on. “Now that we’ve settled that, can we get back to our petty quarrel?”

  A puzzled look came over Glenn’s face. “So you agreed to sell guns to Salmon Brigade and then backed out?”

  “Yep,” said Rex. “Out of principle.”

  “And how is it you’re still alive?” asked Cheekbones. “Salmon Brigade wouldn’t take kindly to someone reneging on an agreement.”

  “Well,” said Rex. “They might not have been immediately aware that we had backed out of the deal.”

  “Did you get paid?” asked Glenn.

  “In a manner of speaking,” said Rex.

  “So,” Glenn said, “you screwed Salmon Brigade out of a shipment of weapons and then tried to sell those same weapons to us?”

  “I did sell them to you,” said Rex. “We had an agreement, remember?”

  Glenn shook his head. “The agreement was that you would give us the guns, and we would let you have as many of those blue stones as you want, once we took over the separatists’ territory. But until we take over the separatists’ territory, you get nothing.”

  “That’s a violation of the spirit of the agreement!” Rex howled. “Tell ‘em, Sasha!”

  “Rex feels that you are violating the spirit of the agreement,” I said.

  Glenn shrugged.

  “Then Sasha and I will take the creek bed by force!” exclaimed Rex.

  Glenn handed his lazepistol to Cheekbones. “Good luck with that,” he said.

  Cheekbones held up the gun, looking down the barrel at something in the grass. He fired, scattering lizard parts in all directions.

  “Hey, that’s my lizard!” cried Rex. “You son of a –”

  Cheekbones aimed the gun at Rex, who stopped talking.

  Cheekbones moved the gun to his left hand and held out his right to Glenn. “Sorry about taking your stuff,” he said. “We’ll give it back.”

  Glenn shook his hand. “It’s alright. Just ask next time, OK? We don’t have a lot of stuff to spare.”

  “Will do,” said Cheekbones. “Thanks for the lazepistol.”

  “That’s mine!” Cried Rex. “Give me back my guns!”

  “Try and take them,” said Glenn. He turned to his men. “Alright, let’s go home.”

  “Wait, what?” exclaimed Rex. “That’s it? That’s the big fight? You no longer have a common enemy! Get back to your petty quarrel!”

  But nobody seemed particularly interested in fighting anymore. The possibility of having to fend off an invasion by Salmon Brigade had soured them on the whole idea. Glenn helped Javier to his feet and they made their way back up the hill. Cheekbones and his people returned to their camp.

  Rex stood for a moment, muttering to himself. “Let’s get out of here, Sasha,” he growled, and began stomping up the hill.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  “Get us in the air,” commanded Rex, fixing himself a martini in Serendipity’s cockpit. I have no idea where he found the vodka; he had either procured a bottle at the spaceport or found one he had forgotten about earlier.

  “Where to now, sir?” I asked.

  “Back to Chicolini City,” said Rex.

  I thought he must have been confused. “Sir? We still have a cargo bay full of guns. We don’t have room for our money.”

  “We’re going to sell the guns,” said Rex.

  “To whom, sir?”

  “Salmon Brigade.”

  “Again?”

  “For real this time.”

  “What if they kill us?”

  “Then they won’t get their guns. We’ll unload the container at the spaceport, remove the label, and then contact the Salmon guys. There are hundreds of containers like that at the spaceport. If they kill us, they’ll never find the guns.”

  “What if they want to kill us more than they want the guns?”

  “Those guys seemed pretty reasonable,” said Rex. “We’ll just explain that it was a big misunderstanding. Somebody switched the labels and we ended up accidentally picking up the guns and handing them a big pile of nuclear waste. That kind of stuff happens all the time at spaceports.”

  I’d never heard of anything like that happening at a spaceport.

  “It sounds very risky, sir,” I said. “Frankly, I’d feel a lot better at this point if we just dumped the container in the ocean and got out of here. We can make up the rental fees some other way. Those guns all have the Larviton Energy Weapons logo on them, and I’m worried that somebody is going to figure out that –”

  “No one’s figuring out anything,” snapped Rex. “We’re a long ways from Larviton’s sphere of influence, and there’s nothing to trace those guns back to us. We’re not dumping the guns, so get that out of your tin-plated brain.”

  I sighed. “So we’re going to give Salmon Brigade the guns and take the container with the money?”

  Rex shook his head. “I don’t want that damn Chicolinian money,” said Rex. “We’re just going to give them the guns.”

  “Give them the guns, sir?”

  “They’re going to use them to take over Trentino, right? Well, when they’re done, we’ll just land, express our hearty congratulations, and pick up a shipload of zontonium on our way out. We’ll be light-years away before they realize what those blue stones are.”

  “That plan didn’t work out so well last time, sir,” I pointed out.

  “That was just bad luck,” snapped Rex. “The plan itself was perfect.”

  I wasn’t nearly as confident about this plan as Rex was, but I could see there was no dissuading him. I set a course for Chicolini City.

  We landed a few hours later and Rex paid off one of the crane workers to hide the container of guns in a remote corner, behind several other containers. Then we sent a message to the Salmon Brigade guys through the same secure Hypernet channel Rex had first used to contact them and waited at the ship for them.

  It didn’t take long for them to show up. The truck pulled up and screeched to a halt in front of Serendipity. Moustache and Salmon Beret got out and walked toward us. They didn’t look happy.

  “You so
ns of bitches,” Moustache growled. “What’s the big idea, selling us a load of radioactive waste? We were supposed to be taking over an island today, and instead we spent most of the day decontaminating the truck. It cost us 8,000 credits to have that stuff shipped to the sun.”

  “Honest mistake,” said Rex. “Somehow the labels got switched. We came back as soon as we realized what happened.”

  “Just tell us where the guns are,” said Moustache.

  “They’re nearby,” said Rex. “We just need to work out the terms of the transfer.”

  “Listen to me, you little weasel –” Salmon Beret snarled.

  “Now, now,” said Rex. “Losing your temper isn’t going to get you your guns any faster. Here’s the deal: because I value your business and want to make this situation right, we’re going to give you the guns and let you keep your money.”

  “What’s the catch?” asked Moustache dubiously.

  “No catch,” said Rex. “Although Sasha and I would like to stop by after your island takeover and make sure everything went OK with the guns. No misfires or anything, you know. We want you to be happy customers.”

  The two men regarded Rex dubiously. They obviously expected Rex to pull another trick on them somehow.

  “Alright,” Moustache said at last. “If you give us the guns, let us keep the money, and don’t try any more funny business, then we’re square.”

  “Deal,” said Rex, shaking Moustache’s hand. “Alright, let’s go get your guns.”

  Rex walked to the corner of the spaceport where the container with the guns was hidden, the rest of us following close behind.

  “Voila!” exclaimed Rex, opening the container door. He immediately slammed it shut again and spun around, his back against the door. “You know,” he said, “I feel like we should drink to our new partnership before we get down to business. Sasha, could you get the bottle of champagne I left in Serendipity’s cockpit.”

  “Sir?” I asked. If there was a bottle of champagne anywhere in Serendipity, I hadn’t seen it.

  “Robots!” exclaimed Rex, throwing his hands in the air. “Completely helpless. Tell you what, you gentlemen wait here while I help Sasha find the champagne.”

  Rex grabbed my arm and began walking briskly toward the ship.

  “Sir,” I said. “I’m not sure I –”

  “Shut up, you idiot,” Rex snapped. “In about five seconds we’re going to make a run for it.”

  “Sir?” I asked.

  Behind me I heard Salmon Beret’s voice. “Hey, this container is empty!”

  “RUN!” Rex shouted.

  We ran.

  Lazegun blasts erupted around us as we flung ourselves into the cockpit of Serendipity.

  “Get us out of here!” Rex yelled.

  I skipped the preflight checklist and engaged the thrusters. Serendipity lifted off the ground and shot into the sky. Down below, the two men screamed profanities at us and continued to fire their lazepistols at the ship. That’s coming out of our deposit, I thought.

  “Those bastards took our guns!” Rex shouted.

  “Which bastards?” sir. “Salmon Brigade?”

  “No, you useless bag of lug nuts, the Trentinoans. Trentonians. Those jerks on Trentino. They must have unloaded our guns while we were distracted with the separatists. Scumbags! People like that give the black market gun trade a bad name.”

  “Oh,” I said. “That makes sense.” That was actually pretty smart of them, I thought. I refrained from reminding Rex that we had stolen the guns from Gavin Larviton.

  We were nearing the outer edge of the atmosphere. “Where to this time, sir?” I had high hopes Rex had gotten fed up with Chicolini and would be ready to try his luck on some other backwater planet.

  “Just put her in orbit for a while,” said Rex. “After those Salmon Brigade thugs leave, I want to pick up our money.”

  “Sir?” I asked. “It’s not our money anymore. You agree to give it to Salmon Brigade.”

  “That’s when I thought we were also giving them the guns. The deal’s off now, thanks to those shifty Trentinonians.”

  I wasn’t sure how sound his logic was, but I didn’t argue.

  We spent the next several hours orbiting Chicolini. Rex got rip-roaring drunk, which is what he does whenever he has nothing scheduled for any block of time exceeding twenty minutes. Once he was on the verge of sobering up, we returned to the spaceport to pick up the container of Chicolinian hexapenny notes. The Salmon Brigade guys had left, so it looked like we were in the clear. We hadn’t yet told them which container the money was in, so hopefully it was still there.

  We were nearly to the container when two men turned a corner and stopped right in front of us, blocking our path. They resembled the Salmon Beret guys in neck thickness and overall demeanor, but they wore pinstriped suits and fedoras instead of fatigues: the unmistakable uniform of the Ursa Minor Mafia.

  “Good afternoon, gentlemen,” said Rex with a smile. “What can I do for you?”

  “We heard somebody’s been movin’ guns through this spaceport,” said one of the goons. “You don’t know nuthin’ about that, do you?”

  “Space, no!” exclaimed Rex. “Sasha and I are pacifists. I’ve never even touched a gun. We’re in the costume jewelry business. You guys need any cufflinks?”

  “We don’t need no cufflinks,” growled the other man.

  “Alright, then,” said Rex. “Well, we’ll keep an eye out for anybody trying to sell guns.”

  “Yeah, you do that,” said the first man, eying Rex suspiciously. After a moment, the two of them moved on.

  “Sir,” I whispered. “You neglected to mention to me that the Ursa Minor Mafia runs this port. They don’t take kindly to gun runners horning in on their territory.”

  “Relax, Sasha,” said Rex. “There’s no way they can connect us to the guns.”

  I wished I could be so sure. One more reason to get far away from Chicolini.

  We found the container and verified that it was still full of cash. Rex had one of the crane operators drop the container into Serendipity while I prepared for takeoff. Once our cargo was securely stowed, Rex joined me in the cockpit. Finally, we were going to get off this accursed planet.

  “Where to now, sir?”

  “Trentino,” said Rex.

  I spent the next five minutes banging my head against the control panel of the ship.

  “Sasha!” Rex finally yelled. “What in Space is wrong with you?”

  “Why, sir?” I pleaded. “Why are we going back to Trentino? We have the money. Let’s just get off this planet. PLEASE.”

  “Not a chance,” said Rex. “We’re going to trade the Trentinonians our pile of cash for a load of zontonium. They still don’t have any idea they’re sitting on a fortune in starship fuel. That stuff is worth, what, ten times its weight in Chicolinian hexapenny notes?”

  “More like a thousand by now, sir,” I said.

  Rex cackled with glee. “And to think, you wanted to just take the money and leave. Get this bucket of bolts to Trentino, Sasha.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  We flew back to Trentino. When we landed, we were surprised to find another small craft parked near the defunct EZ Mart. It bore a salmon-colored logo featuring the letters SB.

  “Uh-oh,” said Rex. The Salmon Brigade had beat us to Trentino.

  We hurried to Trentino City only to find Svetlana, Glenn and Cheekbones siting together at a table in the village square with Moustache and Salmon Beret. Every single one of them was carrying a lazepistol. Svetlana waved when she saw us.

  “Well, if it isn’t our intrepid pair of weapons merchants,” said Svetlana with a smile.

  “Yeah,” said Rex humorlessly. “I see you’ve made some new friends. Look, we’ve got a shipload of money to unload. It’s all yours if you let us fill up our ship with those worthless creek rocks.” Rex’s sales pitch was really slipping. I think he was as sick of this planet as I was.

  “Funny thing a
bout those worthless rocks,” said Svetlana. “Evan and Kip were just telling us what zontonium ore looks like. They happen to have some contacts with the Andromeda Mining Company.”

  “Seriously?” said Rex. “Evan and Kip? Those are the worst paramilitary thug names I’ve ever heard. What are you guys even doing here? I thought you were trying to overthrow the Chicolini government.”

  “We’re having second thoughts about that,” said Moustache, whose real name was apparently either Evan or Kip. “We came here planning to take over Trentino and use it as a base of operations for our assault on Chicolini City, but this island has a lot of potential. The whole Chicolini government is going to collapse when the hexapenny bottoms out. Who wants to be in charge of cleaning up a mess like that? We’ve decided to move the whole organization to Trentino and start from scratch.”

  “We had our doubts at first,” said Svetlana. “But Evan and Kip were so nice, explaining the whole mixup about the guns, and telling us about the zontonium ore. So you’ll understand that we’re going to have to turn down your generous offer. We’ve worked out a deal with Donny to help them get their settlement going in exchange for letting the mining company –”

  “Stop!” cried Rex. “Donny? Cheekbones’ name is Donny? I’m done here. Sasha, let’s get off this planet before I meet somebody named Lance and have to choke him to death with his own socks.”

  Rex turned and began stomping his way back to the spaceport. I hurried along beside him.

  “I’m sorry, sir,” I said. “I know how you hate it when people work out their differences peacefully.”

  “Especially people with names like Kip and Donny,” grumbled Rex. “This whole planet is full of sissy-named weenies. Svetlana is the only real man of the lot.”

  As we approached the spaceport, another ship descended from the clouds, landing between us and Serendipity. Two men in pinstriped suits and fedoras got out and began walking toward us.

  “Oh geez,” said Rex. “It’s Tad and Kevin.”

  “Tad and Kevin?” I asked, confused.

  “I’m extrapolating,” said Rex. “Follow my lead.”

  “Hey,” said the man on the left as they approached. “Didn’t we just –”