Hope Falls_If I Fall

by SJ McCoy

He frowned. “And I shouldn’t ask you to wait for me while I figure it out…but I hope you will.” It wasn’t fair of him, and he knew it, but still, he couldn’t just let her walk away from him. Not now. Not when he was starting to understand what Patrick had been talking about, and starting to realize that he just might be right. “Jess, I’m supposed to be back at work in two weeks. The way I feel right now, I don’t want to go back. Ever. But you’re right. I can’t just walk away from everything. I’d need to set something else up. Please, I’m begging you, will you stick around for two weeks? If I’m going to be able to do this, I’ll know it by then and if I’m not…” He didn’t even want to think about that. “If not, then at least we’ll have a few memories.” When he finished, he held her gaze, hoping against hope that she’d say yes.

  When she finally nodded, a huge wave of relief swept through him.

  “Thank you!” he hugged her to him, but she still felt a little rigid. He stepped back so he could see her face. “What? What’s wrong?”

  She gave him a sad smile. “I think I know how this will turn out. You’ll try your very best, but your sense of duty won’t let you break away. I’ll wait, because I’d love to believe this—you and me, we could work—but deep down, I still think we’ll both be leaving here in a couple of weeks.”

  He shook his head. “Have faith, Jess. I’ll figure something out.” As he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, he could only hope that he would.

  ~ ~ ~

  Jess sat at the table in Tessa’s kitchen, a large glass of red wine clasped in her hand. “Am I crazy?” she asked.

  Tessa chuckled. “No more than you’ve ever been. No more than the rest of us.”

  “But, Tessa, it’s ridiculous! I’ve known the man less than a week. I can’t be in love with him. That’s just crazy.”

  Tessa smiled but said nothing.

  “What? It is. I mean look at you. You’d known Jake for what, fifteen years altogether?”

  Tessa shrugged. “But I knew the very first time I met him. I was seventeen years old. We were in the middle of the grocery store. But I knew.”

  Jess stared at her. “Two questions: Why did you never tell me this before, and what the hell took you so long?”

  Tessa shrugged. “There was no reason to tell you, and let’s just say things went wrong before we finally made them right. But you? You’re much older and wiser than I was back then. I don’t see any reason why you can’t make it work if you want to.”

  Jess sighed. “No reason other than the fact that he’s married to his job? He lives in Sacramento, which is somewhere I could never live, even if I were capable of settling down at all.”

  “I don’t get it. I mean, lots of FBI agents are married, aren’t they?”

  “I guess so, but that’s part of what makes Sully Sully. He has to give all of himself. If he does his job the way he has to, then there’s nothing left of him to give to a relationship.”

  “And if he does a relationship right, then there’s not enough of him left to give to his job?”

  Jess nodded. “I guess so. I don’t imagine it’s the kind of job you could do part-time or half-heartedly. It’s a way of living, not just a job.”

  “Well, I don’t know what you’re going to do. I don’t know how it’s going to work out for you, but I have a feeling it will. I hope you do stick around. It’d be wonderful if you could both stick around.”

  “It would be. I love this place. It’s somewhere I really could call home.”

  Tessa smiled. “I hope you will.”

  So did Jess, but she knew that if Sully went back to Sacramento, she wouldn’t be able to stay here. She’d have to move on. This place was already full of memories of him. After they’d made love this morning, she’d known that with him she could only handle all or nothing. When she’d given him her body, she’d given him her heart. The more she’d thought about it as the day had worn on, the more she’d realized that she couldn’t expect him to give it all up. They barely knew each other, but neither of them would deny the connection they shared. She was afraid that he’d try to work something out so they could be together and afraid that, in doing so, he’d make himself miserable. She’d hate to do that to him. She’d rather he was happy without her.

  ~ ~ ~

  Sully patted Shadow’s head absently. He was a good dog. He was devoted to Eric and Lily. Sully could see now how he’d played such a part in saving Lily. He shuddered at the thought. He remembered all of that so well. He’d often wondered what might have happened if he hadn’t emailed Eric when he did.

  “What’s on your mind?” asked Eric as he came back outside with a fresh beer in each hand.

  Sully shook his head. “Just thinking about how timing can change everything.”

  “Give me a clue?”

  He smiled and scratched Shadow’s ears. “I was thinking about this fella and how he timed his leap, and how if he hadn’t…” He’d been about to say that it would probably have been Lily who had died that day, but he thought better of it. Eric was a man in love and Sully didn’t want to go making him think about that scenario.

  Eric nodded. “And your timing, too. If you’d sent me that email the next day, it would have been too late. I’ll always owe you.”

  “You don’t owe me a damned thing.”

  Eric jerked his head toward the house where Lily was inside. “She’s my life, my world. If it wasn’t for your report, I might have lost her. I will always owe you.”

  Sully nodded. He thought he understood.

  “Anyway, is this trip doing you any good?”

  He nodded. “It is. But I don’t know what to do with it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What you just said about Lily, that she’s your life, your world. I never understood that kind of talk. Now I think I do, but I don’t know what to do with it. Patrick kept telling me I should get out. That I should live life. But how do you do that, Eric? How do you turn your back on one for the other?”

  “Now that I can’t tell you. I haven’t had to, but then small town Chief of Police isn’t the same as Special Agent, is it?”

  Sully shook his head. It wasn’t.

  “What have you been working lately anyway?”

  “Cyber mostly.” He couldn’t say too much, but he knew Eric would understand.

  “And you couldn’t do that with any of the contractors?”

  Sully thought about it. He could. Some of his buddies had already resigned from the Bureau and were now doing almost the same jobs remotely—and for better pay. Not that the pay mattered much to him.

  Eric smiled. “So what’s your problem? Go the contract route, move up here so you can help me out if you need some real action. You can still do your part.” He gave Sully a knowing smile. “And maybe you can even persuade one Jess Archer to stick around.”

  Could it be that simple? He was starting to think it could. Hope bubbled up in his chest, and he smiled back at Eric. “Thanks, man.”

  “No problem. It’s always easier to see it for someone else than it is for yourself. For you, the Bureau was your whole life. It’s hard to let go of that. But…” He hesitated and then pushed on. “I think that’s what Patrick wanted for you. He knew you’d follow in his footsteps. He was a lifer. He didn’t want that for you. I believe he’d be happy to think that he set you free.”

  Sully swallowed. Hard. Patrick had been his idol. He’d wanted to be just like him, but he knew that Eric was right. Patrick had given his life to his work instead of his family, and he didn’t want his protégé to follow him down that path. He smiled, knowing how much Patrick would love Jess. He swallowed again at the thought of taking her to meet Jane. That was something he needed to do. He blew out a big sigh. “Thanks. I guess I know what I need to do then, huh?”

  Chapter Ten

  Jess snuggled into Sully’s side as he slept. She loved the feel of him; she always felt safe and calm when he was close, and especially so in bed. He’d spent the last few n
ights here in the motorhome with her. She knew it wasn’t really within his comfort zone, but he seemed to be growing more comfortable by the day. They’d agreed that they weren’t going to stress about the future and what it might hold; they were just going to make the most of each day. And so far they had been doing. They’d hiked in the woods most days, walked down by the river in town. They’d even gone out horseback riding one day at Mountain Ridge Outdoor Adventures. Jess liked that place. The owners were friends of Tessa. Amanda was a sweetheart, and her husband, Justin, and Sully had hit it off right away. Jess had to keep reminding herself that this was only temporary. She couldn’t get carried away thinking that this might be her real life. It was just a pleasant interlude before Sully had to go home. She was under no illusions about that, no matter what he said. He’d always be her friend; she had no doubt about that, but she just didn’t see how he could walk away from his career. He didn’t have it in him, and she would never ask him to. She could see that her travels might take her through Sacramento on a regular basis in the future—she’d find it hard to stay away from him, but that would be all.

  His arm tightened around her. “You’re thinking too loudly,” he muttered.

  She chuckled. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  He propped himself up on one elbow and smiled down at her. “A guy can’t sleep when he knows his lady’s restless and worrying.”

  “I’m not worrying.”

  He gave her a disbelieving look.

  “I’m not!” She really wasn’t. She’d already accepted the inevitable; there was nothing left to worry about.

  “So you’re telling me that you finally have faith in me, and you believe I’m going to make this work?”

  She shook her head and tried to blink away the tears that welled up.

  “Hey,” his voice was much gentler now. “What’s wrong?”

  “Don’t, Sully. We said we weren’t going to do this, remember? I know the end is coming. I just don’t want to face it yet.”

  He sat up and leaned back against the wall, pulling her up into his arms as he went. “Don’t cry, Jess. It breaks my heart to see you cry.”

  As he wrapped his arms around her, that sense of peace swept through her again. He made her feel as if everything was going to be okay. Only, how could it be?

  “Trust me for a couple more days?” he asked.

  “Okay, but that’s all we have left.” She couldn’t figure out the look in his eyes.

  “Maybe.”

  Part of her wanted to yell at him. It was all they had. And she had to figure out what she was going to do when he left. She figured she’d just stick to her original plan and point her little motorhome up toward Montana. Maybe catching up with Gina would manage to take her mind off Sully and everything that might have been. Or not! Not even the thought of wandering through Yellowstone National Park with her camera could raise her spirits. She might just go feed herself to a grizzly bear and be done with it!

  Sully’s arms tightened around her again. “What are you thinking?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Liar.”

  She smiled. “No, just a half-truther. Nothing much. Or at least nothing I want to talk to you about.”

  “Fair enough. Do you want to get up?”

  “Yeah. I’m not going to be able to get any more sleep now.”

  “Me neither. I’ll get the coffee going.”

  Jess sighed as she let herself into the bathroom. They’d fallen into such an easy routine together. She wished with all her heart that this could be their life. But much as her heart might wish, her mind was more realistic. How had she explained it to Sully when they’d first met, and he’d asked her about the way she lived and why?

  You don’t stay anywhere too long. You don’t get too used to a place because you’ll have to leave. You certainly don’t come to depend on people, because they’ll only disappear on you.

  They were her own words. That was her truth and her reality. Apparently life had decided she needed a fresh reminder. Only this one seemed to hurt more than all the other times she’d learned those lessons put together. Maybe it was because she couldn’t even be angry with Sully. When she was younger, it had been easy to blame people for letting her down. With Sully he’d been honest, she knew he cared about her. He wasn’t out to hurt her; she was just collateral damage. She shook her head. Or maybe she just couldn’t get angry at him because she loved him. Despite her best efforts, she’d gone and fallen in love with the man.

  As she emerged from the bathroom to see him standing there, holding out a fresh cup of coffee for her she wondered how the hell she was supposed to get through the rest of her life without him. Which, she acknowledged was pretty dumb, considering that up until a couple of weeks ago she hadn’t even known he existed.

  “What are you going to do this morning?” he asked.

  She shrugged. “I was thinking I’m going to head out with my camera. Amanda told me about a couple of spots out on the ski slopes. It should be beautiful up there now the leaves are changing.”

  He nodded. “Keep your phone with you?”

  She smiled at that. She loved the way he was so protective. Even when she wasn’t around him, just the thought of him made her feel safe. She finally did have someone in the world who cared about her, who wondered where she was and whether she was okay. Even if she was about to lose him. “Will do.” She didn’t need to tell him that there likely wouldn’t be a signal out there. He had enough on his plate this morning. Whatever it might be. He’d said he was going to see Eric at the station, and he had a couple of meetings. She hadn’t wanted to ask him what about because she just knew it would be his work creeping back in. She’d rather bury her head in the sand while she still could.

  ~ ~ ~

  As Sully drove through town, he questioned his reasons for not telling Jess what he was really up to. He had a busy morning ahead of him, and if it all came off as he hoped, then there’d be no need for them to say goodbye. Unless she wanted to. There. That was his real reason. He wanted her; he wanted her in his life. But he didn’t want her to feel any pressure. Just as she worried about him giving up a part of himself to be with her, he worried about the same thing. She was a nomad, had been all her life. She didn’t make plans or commitments. What if he set himself up with a life here and it freaked her out? Would she feel claustrophobic if he asked her to stay with him? He hoped not, but he didn’t know for sure.

  He was headed to see Eric at the station, but only because he was meeting Manny there. He’d talked with him on the phone and been surprised how pleased Manny had been with his idea. It turned out that the Office had been charged with taking on outside contracting and handing off some of their Cyber workload. Manny was thrilled that Sully could sidestep into that. He’d still be attached to the Office in a way, and yet would achieve some of the freedom that Patrick had wanted for him. Sully had arranged to meet him at the station because it never did a local police chief any harm to be on friendly terms with the nearest field office.

  “Sully.” The older man stepped out of his car when he saw Sully arrive. He raised a hand in greeting.

  “Thanks for coming up here.”

  Manny nodded. “I’m happy to, son. I know what Patrick wanted for you, and let’s be honest, this works out perfectly for me. I still get you on board.”

  Sully nodded.

  “As long as we can find you a place that works.”

  “I think I’ve got that covered. Lauren, the realtor we’re meeting, is a friend of Eric’s.”

  Manny nodded. “I checked her out. She hosts that TV show, right?”

  “Yep, that’s her. She’s also the best at what she does,”

  Manny didn’t look impressed. “I wouldn’t say that’s much of an achievement in a place like this.”

  Sully chuckled. “Granted, but she was also the best at what she did when she worked in Manhattan, too.”

  Manny nodded. “I like the sound of that better. And
she knows what you need?”

  “Yeah. I’ve explained the situation to her. She’s going to show us a couple of places when we get done here.”

  “Okay, then. Let’s get in and meet this Eric of yours.”

  Half an hour later they emerged from the station. It had gone well. Manny had talked to Eric about what would be entailed in having an outstation within his jurisdiction. He hadn’t needed to do that, but Sully loved him for it. He was smoothing the path for Sully and for Eric, instead of riding roughshod over the local guys as so many of the field offices seemed to like to do.

  Sully smiled when he spotted what must be Lauren waiting by a Mercedes in the parking lot. She was busy talking on her cell phone. He realized how spot on Eric’s description of her was. He’d said that she was Sully’s type—tall, blonde, put together, super-efficient. Or at least what he’d thought was Sully’s type until he’d met Jess. He was right, of course. Jess was none of the above, other than blonde. She wasn’t what he’d always considered his type. She was more than that: She was the one, she was his everything, and everything he was doing today was an attempt to ensure that she might become his life. He still wasn’t sure if she would want to be.

  Lauren spotted them and ended her call. She raised a hand in greeting.

  Sully hurried to close the distance between them. “Lauren?”

  She nodded.

  “Good to meet you.” He extended his hand. “I’m James Sullivan, and this is Manny Alvarado, Special Agent in Charge of the Sacramento Field Office.”

  Lauren shook hands with them both. “It’s good to meet you. I hope you don’t mind if we speed things along? We can take my car, and I’ll tell you about the properties on the way.”

  Sully checked with Manny, who nodded. “That works.”

  Sully got into the back of the Mercedes. He knew Manny had questions for Lauren. It was important for the field office to approve any place he chose to work from, given the security considerations. He also knew that it was hardly normal for the SAiC to come out to do personal inspections, but Manny was a friend. If Patrick had been a father figure, then Manny was like an uncle to him.