I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

by Crystal Zevon

  When we finally spoke, I was pissed off. He said, “For me, having sex is like having to take a shit. It’s not personal. It had nothing to do with love. It is not a reflection on the woman I am in love with.”

  I felt like this was who I loved and maybe I could handle this. I said, “Okay. You’re saying it doesn’t affect your love for me, then if you need to have sex with other women, I need you not to lie and I need you to put me first.” Some part of me knew that if he was treating other women that way, he was also treating me that way.

  January 14, 1992—Minneapolis

  …Confrontation with Julia on the phone, and confession…Went to radio and sang a couple songs. At First Avenue, Joan Mondale had sent a beautiful bouquet in a vase she made.

  January 23, 1992—Charleston

  …Julia arrived with great presents: a gurgling bird, two tapes she’d transcribed from the last tour of every “Boom Boom Mancini”; two gray t-shirts with birds she’d embroidered on them; a silver Zippo. The show was good, but open air and cold. Julia and I made love on the bus and eventually slept holding each other. It was great.

  January 24, 1992—St. Petersburg—45th b’day

  …called Springsteen to tell him about the show. He told me the VH1 video was on. Carl came by with his wife, Connie and son, Scott. Took us to dinner. He’s really wonderful company…great stories, fine pre-show diversion…the low down on “Seminole Bingo.” Had to leave for Nashville. Happily jammed with the boys on the bus.

  CARL HIAASEN: I worked on the lyrics of “Seminole Bingo” with him. He was having a concert at some joint on the beach, and I was supposed to meet him in the lobby of his hotel. We were going to hang out, and then he was going over to the gig. He came downstairs and they had a giant rack of those tourist brochures—every tourist attraction in Florida—the Jungle Queen Ride, the Monkey Jungle, Parrot Jungle, Sea-quarium, Disney stuff. Warren, of course, is perusing the entire collection. He snatches one and it says “Seminole Bingo.”

  He says, “What’s this?” I said, “Well, the Seminole Indian tribe has a huge bingo operation. They make all kinds of money and they market to tourists and to little gray-haired old ladies who get to be bingo addicts.” I told him I’d been in a Seminole bingo parlor because I had a scene set in a novel in one of those places.

  Warren was fascinated. He loved the cadence of the phrase “Seminole Bingo” that was on the top of this brochure, so he kept it. He said, “I’d like to write a song with that title.” He stuck it in his Prada coat, and off he went. Months later he called me and he said, “Have you thought any more about this ‘Seminole Bingo’ thing? That’d be something fun for us to work on.” So, we started hammering out the lyrics long distance, as we always did.

  January 26, 1992—Gadsten

  …Woke up to message light—Katy calling. Made up some shit about getting papers and called back…Julia knew I was lying…on the bus I admitted it…dark moods, mine mostly. Voice giving out during interviews…Long into the night, arguments, discussions…

  January 27, 1992—New Orleans

  …Went to Tipitina’s. Julia took a cab later. Very strained; very sad. Voice still rough, show okay. Nice to see club owner, Bobby. Glo & Stuart came in to talk—I’m to do Arsenio Hall on the 4th but under less than ideal musical conditions. Then, Julia and I talked. I want to fuck around & I don’t want to deal with her. Which? Both. Maybe breaking up. Sat watching pay movies, not talking.

  JULIA MUELLER: We got to New Orleans and he was playing at Tipitina’s. I got stupidly dressed up, put my hair up. I remember looking out these huge glass windows that didn’t open, thinking that if I could open the window, I would jump out.

  I went to the concert and sat backstage, and backstage the bands all write things on the walls, and I drew this little chicken with a tear coming out.

  So, he plays this gig and I’m as beautiful as I can be, and we get back to the hotel and continue the fight. He was doing things like smashing the phone into his head, hitting his head against things, and finally we were both so exhausted that we got a stupid Mickey Rourke movie on TV and ordered club sandwiches. This is the fight where he said, “I believe in lying.” I looked at him and said, “Then, I can’t have a relationship with you.” I got a flight out of New Orleans. I went to the airport early and kept hoping he’d show up in some dramatic way, but he didn’t.

  We broke up for six months. He called a couple times, and finally I said, “I can’t have you calling. It’s too painful.” I told him not to contact me at all. And he didn’t.

  CARL HIAASEN: Warren was frank to admit that he could have changed it if he wanted to. He was not incapable of that view either, that these were choices he made. I’m not a musician. I know a little bit of the agony you go through in writing, but the music world is so different from book publishing—the milieu and the social pressures, and the madness and the insanity, which was very much a part of that time…I don’t think I would have been a model citizen either.

  His relationship with Julia was a roller-coaster ride. I would make the mistake of saying, “How’s Julia?” Sometimes that was a good question and sometimes it was not. His usual answer was, “You know, she’s an actress.”

  * When Warren died, his T-shirts (still bagged) were distributed among family and friends who wear them still.

  * Ariel attended Idyllwild School of Music and the Arts her freshman year in high school.

  FOUR

  WORRIER KING

  I’m hiding from the mailman

  And I hate to hear the telephone

  Worried about the women

  And I worry about everything

  And I worry when I see my subjects

  Bow down to the Worrier King

  February 4, 1992—Arsenio Hall Show…

  Nice L.A. Times article with good photo!…Limo to Arsenio Hall Show. Michael Wolff, the music director, is a Ross MacDonald fan who has also read and “loved” “Harlot’s Ghost.” We hit it off immediately. I hated the way they cut away from every song (as agreed), but it all went smoothly enough and Arsenio plugged the record nicely…

  Michael Wolff and his wife, Polly Draper, became instant fixtures in Warren’s life. Warren and Michael began meeting for breakfast and lunch several times a week. They exchanged books and stories, and Michael even gave Warren lessons in jazz composition. Michael wrote and played an original piece at Warren’s memorial service.

  MICHAEL WOLFF, musician, composer: My friendship with Warren was based on our mutual love of Ross MacDonald. It was a friendship that was more in the moment. We’d meet for lunch or breakfast at Hugo’s and talk about books, movies.

  February 7, 1992—Los Angeles

  …Gloria wouldn’t let me see the list of who was coming…sound check, waiting around…Jordan came. Peter Asher arrived—I was pleased that he doesn’t like the idea of celebrity musicians sitting in…I thought the show was quite good—precise, controlled. I saw J. D. & his date come in and sit down. Saw Linda Ronstadt…knew it wasn’t a good idea to look closely through the audience. Backstage, Bruce & Patti, her sister Pam & mother Adele came, Uncle [Waddy] & Annie, the Glaubs. Jordan told me Kim Lankford was there (he made a point of finding out she was single & not involved, he told me later) & he brought her back—I got her number and we embraced for a long time. I told Craig from “People” who wrote the great review how grateful I was…

  February 8, 1992—Ventura

  …Jonathan & Faye Kellerman were backstage by encore time (I had a copy of “Private Eyes” ready for signing). Got a “Grand Canyon” T-shirt from Roxanne Kasdan. Talking to the Kellermans upstairs, very nice. Julia arrived. Stressful. Painful for her, I’m sure. A couple of girls sang “Heartache Spoken Here” by the bar as we left…great evening with Jordan after.

  FAYE KELLERMAN: One time Warren performed up in Ventura, and we had the opportunity to drive up there and see him, and it was just great. We met the family afterward, and at that point he was clearly in his element. He had
a great crowd with him, and he was really on that night. His face was glowing afterward, so it was wonderful after having these conversations about the neglected or the abused artist to see him in his element.

  February 14, 1992

  …Package—British First Edition from Jon Kellerman…Very nice note inside.

  February 16, 1992

  …Called Annette…Went on a date…Came home and had sex. Her face is more gorgeous than ever…and her body is beautiful.

  KIM LANKFORD: I didn’t stay in much touch with Warren. There were times when I think he wanted to rekindle, but I thought if it was meant to be, it would be. I used to tell him I had always felt like my own best friend, but with him I didn’t know who I was. I think that’s part of why Warren had so much guilt about everything. He would just swallow you up and twist things and turn things.

  February 25, 1992

  …Went to KLOS with Gloria, played “Mr. Bad Example” and “Lawyers.” Went to the DJ’s later for sex, then came home. Met my neighbor, Billy Bob Thornton and watched videos of his movie—seems like a nice guy.

  Before meeting Billy Bob Thornton, Warren didn’t know anyone who could relate to him both as an artist and as someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder. The bond between the OCD brothers was something apart from his other male friendships, and the relationship would grow and strengthen until Warren’s death.

  BILLY BOB THORNTON: After meeting at the mailboxes, we just started talking. I hadn’t done anything that he would know me by, but when I told him about One False Move and he saw it, he really liked it.

  We started comparing each other’s OCD like a contest, to see who had it worse. Like, do you do this? No, but I do that. I have to do these complicated mathematical formulas before I can do something, but one day he asked me if I had the thing with guns, and I said, “No. You win.” I definitely don’t have the thing with guns. He had it worse than me.

  March 1, 1992

  …Michael Wolff and I exchanged messages about lunch. I returned a call from Linda—quite pleasant. Went to Santa Monica to pick up Annette…new song started–working it out in my mind today–“The Indifference of Heaven.” I wrote a verse out and showed it to Annette. She said, “I’m glad you live in your world and I live in mine.”

  March 3, 1992

  …Met Michael & Polly for lunch at Hugo’s. Ran into Mark Isham leaving. We were joined by a friend of theirs, an actress who’d been in “Party Mix.” She’d seen me there—“with a very pretty girl”—saddening. Long chat with Carl. I brought up the idea of co-writing a Florida song-cycle—he was into it. He repeated his invitation to me to come to the Keys. Went to the DJ’s and we had sex with the camera.

  (L to R): Ritchie Montgomery, Dwight Yoakam, Bud Cort, Billy Bob Thornton, Warren, Kinky Friedman, Nigel.

  CARL HIAASEN: Jorge and I were both amazed to hear about that porn stuff after Warren died. It was his own private stash, I guess. I don’t even want to think about it.

  Coincidentally or not, Warren began having nightmares akin to his old alcohol-induced dreams where the women would be there, ready and available, but he couldn’t reach them. The nightmares were occasionally relieved by sweet dreams of Julia. It took another six months before they got back together. Warren was haunted by the feeling that the woman he was meant to be with was Julia.

  JULIA MUELLER: After we were back together, I was obsessed with the fact that he had been unfaithful. There was a woman living in his building that I think he still saw when I was working. I didn’t have a lot of money, and I had some legal proofreading jobs that would come up at night, and I wouldn’t want to go because I’d be scared he would be with his ex-girlfriend. She’d made a videotape for him…He had girlfriends make videos so when he’d go away he could look at them, and I guess they were sexy. I refused to do it.

  April 8, 1992…

  Lunch at 1:00 with Jon Kellermann at Hugo’s…He talks about “cognitive dissonance” & that sort of business…He said he learned as a therapist that people turn out a bit better than they’re technically expected to. He’s a good guy (even if he does get $500,000 for a 2 page outline now). Headache, so I went on one of my Homeric quests for videos & popsicles. Message from Jordan: Letterman is using “can’t start it like a…” line as a running gag.

  WADDY WACHTEL: The last time I saw Zevon in a good place, I was in New York with Keith Richards, and Warren came in to do Letterman. It was during the first record I did with Keith. I called Warren and said, “You should come over here tonight and meet Keith. We’ll be here from seven on, and you get done around then, so just come over. Don’t not do it.”

  He called at about three A.M. and he said, “It’s late. I’m not going to come.” I said, “Get the fuck over here. We’re just getting into it, so get over here.” Warren says, “I’ve got to get up early.” I said, “Warren, stay up. This is something you should do.” He came up and it was great. Keith and him were sitting in the back, blabbing away. It was cute. All of a sudden I hear Keith say, “There’s a certain comfort when I look up at the board and Wachtel is sitting there doing all the work.” Warren agrees. I look back at them and say, “Oh, that’s cute, you two are having fun now.”

  DUNCAN ALDRICH: When Warren went to see Keith Richards, one memorable thing he brought back was Keith’s father’s advice on women to his young son, “Remember, son…it’s the second hole down from the back of the neck.”

  June 26, 1992—New York

  …I called Uncle [Waddy] at the studio and rode to 20th and Broadway. When Uncle introduced me to Keith Richards, I said, “Maestro. What can I say?” And he hugged me. Keith was wonderful. Complimentary, very funny, modest. We sat together smoking & joking while Uncle & Steve Jordan worked up a comp. Keith said he was working on his “vowel movements,” I said I wrote too many consonants, and he said, “I write the consonants last.” They played the whole song, “Eileen”—I said I loved it &, to Keith, “You’re him!” I was actually awed by some things. Didn’t get away until 6 a.m. Had to buy a bologna sandwich next door.

  July 2, 1992—Milwaukee

  …Remarkable dream—Two chicks were ready to have sex with me—I felt the moistness of one’s vagina—and then I couldn’t find a condom. Like an old frantic-packing dream. A nightmare for the 90’s.

  July 9, 1992—Cleveland

  …Boring show. Good fuck afterwards…then she left so I could pack…a total class act, that girl.

  July 10, 1992—Colorado

  …Stopped to eat at what seemed like no more than a crossroads in the middle of nowhere; we walked in and there was Neil Young and his wife, Pegi. They’re with their son at camp; pure coincidence.

  July 11, 1992—Winter Park

  …Up at 8:00 with a headache (as expected). Rode over to the festival site early with Randy Newman & his guy & Glo. Newman seemed to have no interest in me whatsoever…Neil & I running into each other was major local news—rumors that we’d play together. Later, Neil & Pegi arrived—Neil wearing “Old Velvet Nose” boldly on his T-shirt…He asked me what we were going to do. We played “Splendid Isolation” and “Cortez”…great audience…great day. Neil and I spent some more time together. I sure like this guy & it was a thrill playing with him on stage.

  July 24, 1992—New Orleans

  …FedEx from Carl: a potentially cool lyric about paranoia, “Rottweiler Blues” with a Key West tale signed, “Scorpion Boy.”

  DUNCAN ALDRICH: In Atlanta, the Cobra Machine Gun manufacturer was there and they’d invite us to come over and shoot their Mach 10s after the show. Having never shot a gun in my life, here I am shooting a 10 into a pile of tires.

  August 11, 1992—Redondo Beach

  …The Strand—After the show, Glo brought Julia back. We’re happy to see each other…This time we agreed to try it the other way—Making love, not thinking. Very happy.

  Julia Mueller and Warren.

  September 1, 1992

  …Took Julia to Peter’s cleaners later where Hazel star
ted lecturing me on finding a nice girl & living with her—I turned to Julia & asked her. She said, “When?” I said, “When I get home from the tour.” Then I said, “Thanks, Hazel.”

  Warren left on a European/Australian tour the next day and they decided that Julia would move in when he returned. She was willing to sacrifice having children to be with him, but she also expected him to commit to their relationship. He would have to give up other women.

  JULIA MUELLER: Warren comes back from this tour just after I find out I got the part in Flesh and Bone. He comes in, and he’s not there two minutes and he says, “So, what do you say we get married?” Prior to this I had wanted to get married, and we had not exactly discussed it but it was definitely in the air. But, this is what’s embarrassing. I said, “Okay. That sounds like a good idea.” It was not, “Oh, my God, yes.” It was nothing like that. It was, again, me following along in the trail of the tornado.

  I’m ashamed of that, and I’m also sorry that he didn’t get a better yes from me. It was like a whirlwind. It was not like “Let me ask you a question that I would like to know the answer to.” It was like, there is no other answer but yes. There is no other moment but the next moment, which was to start taking my clothes off.