After the War

by Jessica Scott

  He nibbled on her lips, tasting. Teasing. Urged her closer until she leaned against him. She was soft in all the right places. His hand hovered over her back, tracing faint patterns over the rough fabric of her uniform, skimming between her hips and lower. Teasing her, tormenting him. He wanted to touch her. To feel her skin against his and slide inside her. He wanted to lose himself in her. To forget. To feel.

  He slipped his hand beneath the edge of her uniform jacket and felt the softness of her t-shirt. A slight tug and his fingertips skimmed over the soft flesh of her waist. She shivered as she angled her mouth against his, deepening the connection. She didn’t stiffen as his fingers slid over her skin. Instead, he felt a soft gasp and took it inside him, inhaling her. He slipped higher, brushing the taut cotton of her bra. He cupped the curve of her breast, barely touching her there, losing himself in the sensation of stroking her body.

  She was his judge and jury and somewhere deep down, he knew this was wrong. That she might get it twisted after all and confuse what she felt for him with her duty. This could all explode in his face, leaving them both bleeding from the self-inflicted wounds.

  But the temptation to caress her skin was too great. Touching her, tasting her, when he’d never thought to see her again. He was in Heaven, tormented with a glimpse of Hell. He wanted her. God but he wanted to be inside her.

  He didn’t care if they were in his office. He needed to feel her stretched beneath him, around him. He wanted her but he knew that was impossible. Her fingers slipped beneath his jacket, her palms pressed now against the skin of his waist.

  It was Sean who finally eased back, creating a semblance of space between them. His lips curled in a smile as he realized he still cupped her breast, their hips still pressed intimately together. He was hard as stone and pressed against the softness of her belly. The heat and the pressure was the most erotic sensation he could remember.

  She opened her eyes, meeting his gaze. Hers were dark and heavy lidded. Sexy bedroom eyes.

  “I never thought I’d feel anything like this again,” Sarah whispered, breaking the silence, still thick with the arousal that wrapped around them.

  Sean swallowed and brushed his lips against hers, unable to resist the swollen promise there. “I know.”

  The problem was, he knew exactly what they were up against. It didn’t make her investigation go away. And it didn’t take away the fact that once upon a time, they’d destroyed each other.

  Sean brushed his fingers over her cheek and didn’t speak. How could he tell her he’d been working on being a real man, the kind of man who was there when the shit hit the fan? The kind of man he hadn’t been when he’d needed to be, all those years ago?

  The kind of man she deserved.

  Sixteen

  Lieutenant Colonel Gilliad had more questions than answers after she went to him with her suspicions. Now, he wanted all the facts drawn up so he could brief the boss first thing Monday morning. Which meant that Sarah needed to figure out how to get the work done on a classified laptop on a weekend. Oh, and the brigade ball was tomorrow night, which meant she had even less time.

  So she went back to Sean’s office. Again. She was spending more time there than at her own desk these days. She found him staring into space behind his computer. For an instance¸ she was tempted to reach out to him. To put her hand on his arm. Some tangible touch that would reveal too much. Too many things she needed to keep to herself and sort through before she laid them at his feet.

  She braced her shoulder against his door. “You’re worried about letting Kearney go out tonight, aren’t you?”

  Sean pressed his lips into a humorless smile but there was a sadness in his eyes. “My relationships with Haves and Kearney are prime examples why distance is good between commanders and subordinates.”

  She narrowed her eyes and studied him quietly. “You care, Sean. That is a good thing.”

  “I lost my objectivity a long time ago, Sarah.” There was a bitterness there that she didn’t understand. He met her gaze and she saw the lines around his eyes, there even when he wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t the same boy she’d known. The combat patch he wore said it. And the lines of worry around his eyes said it.

  “You’re still a good leader.”

  His lips twisted into a wry facsimile of a grin. “We’ll see if you still agree after Kearney gets arrested tonight.”

  She frowned. “You don’t—”

  Sean shook his head. “No, I think he’ll be fine. He’s not going to be near his wife; he’s away from the LT. And I think it’s sinking in that the fact that you’re here means he’s on his last leg. The sergeant major is tired of hearing about Kearney and his problems.” Sean dragged his hand over his face. “Haves will keep him in line tonight. I hope.” He paused. “What did the boss say?”

  “I have to have complete findings to him by Monday morning. He’s not going higher with the information until he’s got the complete picture. So since this whole investigation is now classified…”

  He looked over at her and jerked his chin toward the classified computer and hard drive. “You need access to that tomorrow, don’t you?”

  She nodded. “Yeah. But I don’t want you to have to come in. I—”

  “I’ll meet you here at nine thirty.”

  She cocked her head and looked at him. “I can’t ask you to do that.”

  “You’re working on an investigation involving my men. My boss has you working tomorrow. I’ll be here.” He sighed. “You heading home?”

  “Yeah. Have to get munchkin from the daycare.”

  “I’ll walk you out.”

  “You’re not leaving?”

  He shook his head slowly. “Clearly you must think I’m a god if you think I’ve gotten everything done today. My lieutenants are coming back from the range to brief me up on their stats and I’ve got to get my slides done for command and staff on Tuesday. And that’s the easy stuff.”

  “Sounds like a wild way to spend a Friday evening.”

  Sarah looked around the office of the man he’d become. Notebooks stood in formation against a bookshelf. His Cav Stetson hung on a rack near the door, his name and rank etched into a plaque below it. And the two all-black picture frames, names etched in silver hanging by the door. She didn’t move close enough to read them. One name on that list she knew all too well.

  Sarah shouldered her bag and waited for Sean to lock his office. She glanced at her watch. Time was running short but she wanted a few minutes more with him. A few more minutes before work and life interrupted and they were no longer just a man and woman, but instead were “sir” and “ma’am,” “mommy” and “commander.”

  Silence wrapped around them as he walked her to her car. Sean turned to her in the fading sunlight. “It means a lot to me that you can be in the same room with me,” he said quietly, standing a little too close. The Army had rules about public displays of affection and while they weren’t touching, they might as well be.

  Right now, Sarah was too blown away by his statement to even consider rules of proper behavior. She smiled sadly. “I won’t lie and say it didn’t hurt, seeing you again. And we weren’t very professional, even after eight years to heal.” She tipped her face up at him, drawn once more to the power and strength he carried with ease. “But part of me is really glad we’re getting along.” She swallowed and glanced at a pigeon shuffling across the sidewalk.

  “Yeah.” Sean cleared his throat. “So I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  She nodded. “Tomorrow.” She turned to walk around to the driver’s side of her car.

  “Sarah?”

  She paused near the driver’s side door. “Yeah?”

  “Think about me tonight?”

  Her mouth fell open and she stood frozen for a moment before she laughed and shook her head, even as heat prickled over her skin to settle between her thighs. It was a long time before her lungs started working again. “I’d forgotten about that.”

  “I did,
too. Until just now.” His blue eyes glowed in the fading light with a heat that had everything to do with what they’d shared in the office a short while ago and the memory threading between them. Once upon a time, when they’d been separated by a few hundred miles, Sean had been on a training exercise. It had been weeks since he’d seen her and he’d managed to sneak a call on his company commander’s tactical phone.

  And he’d convinced her to talk dirty to him. It had turned into something of a secret handshake between them.

  One that she’d forgotten about. Until now, when the memory of that long ago game warmed her.

  One that reminded her that once upon a time, she’d loved a man other than her husband.

  And that man was still among the living.

  * * *

  Sarah had been halfway home when she remembered Major Wilson wanted an update on the investigation. She’d seriously considered sending an e-mail but figured with the way things were trending, she shouldn’t risk it.

  Twenty minutes later she stood outside Major Wilson’s office, listening to her conversation on the phone. She’d made eye contact with Sarah but hadn’t waved her into the office.

  “No, she hasn’t even submitted initial findings,” Sarah heard Wilson say. Pause. “No, sir, I was not able to get her initial findings.” Pause. “Monday, sir.”

  Wilson hung up the phone and motioned for her to come in. Sarah stood at attention in front of her desk. “Any progress?”

  This new, somber Wilson was unexpected. Damn it, did the woman have any consistent personality traits?

  “Ma’am, Kearney and Smith were both tasked to handle a lot of money downrange. They were pay officers. Their problems started after an incident out in sector. I’m writing up the rest of the facts this weekend. I will recommend a complete audit of their receipts. I’m not going to be comfortable closing this investigation without ruling out the possibility that there’s more here.”

  She glanced at the clock on Wilson’s desk and Wilson didn’t miss the motion.

  “You have to go.” It was not a question.

  “Yes, ma’am. Have to get my daughter from daycare.”

  Major Wilson nodded. “You’ll be at the ball tomorrow night?”

  Sarah sucked in a deep breath. She’d forgotten about the damn ball again. “Roger, ma’am.” Jamie was already lined up for babysitting Anna. Thank God Jamie’s father was doing better.

  Wilson let her go, leaving her exactly thirty minutes to get to the daycare. Something was going to have to change. She couldn’t keep being one of the first ones to drop their kid off in the morning and the last one to pick up at night. Poor Anna.

  She pushed aside her emotions as Anna ran and gave her a hug, a gratifying greeting under any circumstances. Sarah noticed she looked like she’d been crying and bent down to her daughter’s level.

  “What’s wrong, honey?” she asked, brushing her daughter’s bangs from her eyes.

  Anna sniffed and looked away. “I’m sad, Mommy.”

  Sarah glanced at the daycare worker, Lisa, who shrugged and looked entirely too helpless. “She wouldn’t talk to me.”

  “Why are you sad?”

  “Because Aiden Johnson’s daddy came home from Iraq today. He picked him up from school and everyone clapped and cheered.”

  Sarah’s eyes watered instantly as she pulled her daughter into a hug. Guilt slithered in to twine with the sadness. Anna had been missing her daddy while Sarah had been busy fooling around with another man.

  Sarah leaned back. “You should be happy for Aiden, honey,” Sarah said, desperate to keep her voice from cracking. “He’s lucky that his daddy came home.”

  Anna rested her head against Sarah’s shoulder while she thought of something, anything, that would help her five year old understand why her daddy hadn’t come home. She cursed her own inability to comfort her daughter.

  “Why didn’t my daddy come home?” Anna sniffed.

  “I wish he did.”

  “Didn’t Daddy love us?”

  Sarah’s throat tightened and she sucked in a deep breath. “He loved us very much, honey. But he got hurt and he went to Heaven where it didn’t hurt anymore.”

  Anna sniffed. “Daddy’s happy in Heaven?”

  Sarah twisted and pulled her arm around her daughter. “He’d be happier if he was with us.”

  “I wish I had a daddy,” she said against her neck.

  “Me, too, honey.” Sarah swallowed hard and simply sat, holding her little girl.

  “Mommy?” Anna’s voice was just this side of a whine.

  “Yeah, honey?”

  “Can we have steak for dinner?”

  Sarah smiled as Anna pulled out of her hug and sniffed. “I didn’t buy steak this week.”

  Anna’s smile shed the last hint of sadness, replaced with mischief. “We could go to Texas Roadhouse,” she suggested.

  Sarah smiled. “Yeah, baby, we can go to Texas Roadhouse.”

  She was inclined to indulge her daughter tonight. There was a hole in Anna’s life. She’d never known her dad, but as she got older, she was starting to notice the missing piece in her life.

  It was only later, after Anna was in bed, that Sarah had time to turn the day’s events over in her mind, inspecting them.

  She’d kissed Sean today. More, she’d been closer with him than she’d been with any man since her husband. He’d stroked his fingers over her skin; his words brushed over her flesh. And she’d enjoyed it. She’d closed her eyes and granted him access, kissing him, touching him. Wishing for more.

  And then her daughter had cried for her father and the rightness she’d felt with Sean was somehow twisted to something less right.

  The ache in her chest grew until it felt like she would explode if she didn’t let it out. It hurt. Losing Jack still hurt. But for the first time since he’d died, she honestly felt ready. But she knew now it wasn’t as simple as what she wanted. Her daughter mattered and she couldn’t just drag Sean into her life based on hormones and chemistry.

  And what if she and Sean fell apart again, after she’d let him into her daughter’s life? Anna would feel the loss of Sean more than she did the lack of her father.

  Life was never simple. Not that it ever had been.

  Sean had wanted children. It was part of why they’d broken up. He’d wanted kids; she hadn’t. She hadn’t wanted to get married because she’d wanted to be a soldier. She’d been stupid enough to think you couldn’t be a woman and be married and be a good soldier. Marriage and the white picket fence had never been something she’d dreamed of. And Sean had wanted her to get out so she could follow him to Korea. He’d been so pissed when she’d said no.

  That she’d married and done all the things she hadn’t been ready for with another man? Anna was an unexpected gift, and Sarah cherished her.

  Sarah would never wish for things to be different than they were. She’d lived and she’d loved. She’d lost part of her heart not once but three times, and she’d survived. But was she willing to risk her daughter’s heart?

  Sarah swallowed the lump in her throat and closed the door quietly. She locked up and set the alarm before closing the door to her bedroom. She glanced at her phone before sliding between her sheets. She stretched the tight muscles in her thigh. All the walking she’d been doing was good, strengthening and stretching her more each day. She shivered as the cool cotton kissed her skin, and listened to the silence of her sleeping home.

  The home she would have made with Jack.

  The home she’d turned into a shrine, hoping beyond hope that she and her daughter would never forget the man who’d been so key to their lives. The silence wrapped around her as she drifted to sleep, wishing things were so much simpler than they were.

  Wishing she could trust that her feelings for Sean were real and not a fantasy of the man she wished he’d been, once upon a time.

  Seventeen

  The scars that ripped down his arm ached. It must be getting ready to s
torm out. His blood hummed with pain and another ache, long forgotten. He turned on the shower, desperate for a relief from the desire pulsing in his groin.

  He dropped his uniform in a pile on the floor and cranked on the shower. He might be working tomorrow but he was going to be wearing civilian clothes. He was willing to bet Sarah would, too. His lips curled. Maybe he should call her and ask. He didn’t want to show up in flip-flops and jeans if she was going to be in ACUs.

  He ducked his head under the water, his mouth going dry as he thought of the feel of her body against his. God but she was soft. He’d never planned on seeing her again, let alone touching her. Tasting her.

  He was hard as stone and wired for her taste. He felt like a damn teenager. He closed his eyes and saw her once more. Her eyes heavy, her lips swollen. She was driving him crazy. His hand slid along his cock, wishing it was Sarah touching him. He closed his eyes, stroking himself faster, imagining it was Sarah beneath him, Sarah’s hands on his shoulders. Sarah’s body encircling him and driving him closer to the edge. He grunted as he came, bracing one hand against the shower wall to keep from sinking to his knees.

  His phone rang, yanking him out of his private fantasy, and he killed the water. He dragged a towel around his waist as he reached for the cell.

  “Sir, are you trying to get us both fired?” Morgan growled.

  “Your timing sucks,” Sean mumbled. No way in hell he was going to tell his first sergeant what he’d interrupted.

  “You realize the CSM is going to have my nuts in a vise grip if Kearney gets in trouble tonight?”

  Sean imagined Morgan had his feet kicked up on a coffee table and was pulling off his cigar like an old Clint Eastwood movie. “Which is why I’m swinging by to make sure he’s obeying my no-drinking order.”

  Sean heard a thunk and he assumed that Morgan had just hit the roof. “Are you serious? You’re going to a party with a bunch of junior enlisted guys?”

  “No. I’m stopping by a barbecue to say good-bye to one of my former soldiers. I’m going to pop in, make my farewells, and head out. I won’t be there more than an hour.”