by Dawn Brower
“Do you have a minute to discuss something with me?”
Lana sighed and closed the folder in front of her. She logged off of the computer and stood. “You’re in luck. That was the last file I had to update, but I am off shift in fifteen minutes. If you need...”
“This isn’t about the hospital,” he interrupted her. “Not directly.”
“Oh, I see,” she said and winked. “You want to know about the new nurse. Well, why didn’t you say so. I hear she’s single and quite available. She seems to be your type too. I know how you like the blonde ones.”
What the hell was she talking about? There was a new nurse? He hadn’t noticed. “I’m not going to even pretend I understand any of that.” Perhaps he should be offended though. “There is only one blonde I’m interested in.”
Lana lifted her hands and said, “Whatever, Doc. It’s your poison.” She tapped her watch. “What do you want then?”
That was what he liked about her. She was no nonsense and completely reliable. There was a reason she was the head nurse. “It’s about Jessica.” He hoped she agreed to help. She was currently working with Matthew Price’s home care, and Preston didn’t want to run her ragged. “She’s not well.”
She nodded. “I’ve seen her around lately. She comes in to see several different doctors. Most of the appointments are with her gynecologist or Dr. Adams.”
“Wait,” he said. “She comes in for more than her appointments with Marlee?” What was going on with her? Was there more medical concerns than he thought there was? Damn it. Why wouldn’t she talk to him?
“She’s come in to see the gynecologist several times, but I think she might be visiting Imogen.”
“Who the hell is Imogen?” And why the hell did she think he cared?
“Oh, you really haven’t noticed her,” she said, baffled. “I thought you were playing coy. She’s the new blonde nurse.”
Preston scrubbed his hands over his face and sighed. “I don’t fucking care about the nurses.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I meant I don’t have a romantic interest in one.” He had to get the conversation back on track. It had derailed faster than he could process it. “Jessica won’t talk to me. I know she’s in therapy, but...”
Lana sighed. “You want me to spy on her, don’t you?”
That would be ideal, but he also realized Lana wouldn’t go for it. “She needs a friend. For some reason, she doesn’t think she can turn to me.”
“Oh, boy,” Lana said and then laughed. “What makes you think that woman will warm up to me? We clashed quite a bit while she was married to Ren.”
“Please try,” he begged. “You’re the only one obstinate enough to not let her push you away. I’m worried about her.”
Lana frowned and then nodded. “Fine, but you owe me.”
He’d pay any price to help the woman he loved. “Thank you so much,” he said.
“Don’t thank me,” she replied. “I haven’t done anything yet.”
“It’s enough that you’re going to try.” He reached out and hugged her. “Let me know...”
“Easy, Tiger,” she interrupted as she patted him on the back. “I didn’t say I was going to share all of her secrets. Whatever she has going on in her life is up to her who she wants to tell.”
Preston smiled and stepped back. “I was going to say let me know if there’s anything I can do for you or her if she’ll accept it.”
Lana grinned. “Good boy. Now I have to go. My mama is expecting me for dinner tonight.”
It was his turn to raise an eyebrow. “You’re going to be brave and have dinner with Sullivan?”
She scrunched up her nose and sneered. “Please,” she scoffed. “That man would be lucky to have me as a dinner date. I’ll have you know it’s only me and Mama tonight. Sullivan Brady can kiss my lily-white ass.”
With those words, she spun on her heels and walked away. Preston would lay odds Lana and Sullivan would come to blows one day. There was too much repressed desire swirling between the two of them. It wasn’t his problem though. Jessica was, and he’d already laid the ground work to make sure she had someone to lean on. A therapist could work as much as a patient allowed. He hoped one day she’d feel comfortable coming to him. In the meantime, she’d have Lana. It was all he could do with his hands figuratively tied.
CHAPTER THREE
“Mrs. Sousa,” Christie said, “Dr. Adams will see you now.”
Jessica jerked her head toward the assistant and frowned. How long had she been in her own little world? She’d lied to Preston earlier—well not entirely. She did have an appointment with her therapist, but she hadn’t been running late. She was actually an hour early. It was easier to fib a little than continue talking with him. It hurt deep inside of her to look at him and realize she could never have him. Especially now that she knew... She gulped down the lump forming in her throat and took a deep breath.
“Wonderful,” Jessica said and stood. She pasted a smile on her face and followed Christie back to the doctor’s office.
Dr. Adams was sitting at her desk writing some notes when Christie pushed the door open. A lock of her brown hair was tucked behind her ear, and her glasses fell forward resting at the bridge of her nose. She glanced up, meeting Jessica’s gaze, and then turned toward Christie and said, “Thank you. Please bring some herbal tea for us.”
“Of course,” Christie said. “I’ll be back in a few moments.”
The assistant left the office as Jessica slowly headed inside. She’d started therapy after she had her miscarriage years ago. It had been a suggestion of her doctor at the time because she wasn’t handling her grief well. Dr. Adams was a wonderful therapist and helped her work through the grief. She continued therapy because it helped her in other ways. Her mistakes and choices played a huge part in who she’d become. If she hoped to make any changes, therapy was a must.
“Please have a seat,” Dr. Adams said. “Tell me what’s happened since your last appointment.”
Instead of doing as she suggested, Jessica paced the room. She halted briefly and rubbed her arms, trying to warm herself. After her appointment, and subsequent tests with her gynecologist, she’d been unable to keep the cold at bay. Her mind was reeling with the results, and she couldn’t fully process what it had all meant.
“I might die,” she blurted out.
Dr. Adams stood and walked over to her. She brought her hands up and rested them on Jessica’s shoulders. “I’m sure it isn’t that dire,” she soothed. “Please, sit and tell me about it.”
Jessica shook her head and paced some more. She stopped by a nearby window and stared out at the cars passing by. Would she ever be happy? Wasn’t this exactly what she deserved? She’d destroyed lives and made others miserable. Something she hadn’t cared about at the time. Now that she did, when she was making necessary changes, she’d been given a death sentence. Was this what people meant when they said karma was a bitch?
Jessica continued to stare out the window as she spoke, “The last time we met I told you how I was going to make some changes in my life. The foundation I started is in the process of launching. I signed the paperwork a couple weeks ago to fund it. I even hired a brilliant manager who’s going to oversee the day to day operations. I’m going to be more of a spokesperson for the cause.”
“I remember,” the doctor said. “Has something changed?”
“No,” she replied. “That’s still going well. We will open in a few months if we stay on schedule. There is a lovely location that will work perfectly. All I need to do is sign a lease, and we’ve already started planning some fundraising.” Jessica sighed. “I...” Her voice choked up as she attempted to speak. It was so unfair... “The doctor ran some tests, and I have cancer. It’s not end stage, but it’s bad.”
Dr. Adams came over to her side and pulled her into a hug. “It’s not good news, but there is still hope,” she said. “Don’t give up on yourself. Fight for what you want.”
Jessica pulled away from her and headed toward the sofa. She needed to sit down. All of her energy had drained out of her with the admission, and she hadn’t even gotten to the worst part of her news yet. As she was sitting on the black leather sofa, Christie came in and set two cups of herbal tea on the table in front of her. Jessica picked one up absentmindedly and took a sip.
“Will you require anything else?” Christie asked Dr. Adams.
“No,” she replied. “That will be all.” Christie nodded and left the office, closing the door behind her. Dr. Adams sat in a chair nearby and picked up her own mug. “Tell me everything,” she urged.
Where should she start? There was so much, and it was boiling inside of her. Rage? Denial? Depression? Check, check, and check. All of them were there and they warred with each other. “It was supposed to be a routine visit,” Jessica said. “Stupid yearly exam to make sure I remained healthy. I never in a million years expected to find out that I had cancer.”
“The doctor is certain?”
Jessica nodded. “A biopsy was done. I’m supposed to go in to see a Dr. Zachary Foster to consult with him on my treatment options.”
Dr. Adams smiled. “I’m acquainted with Dr. Foster. He’s a good man and brilliant. Have you scheduled an appointment?”
She’d meant to... Denial had kept her from dialing his office and going through with it. What if it was all a mistake and she’d wake up fine? There wasn’t a mass growing on her ovary. It would surely go away on its own. Stupid Jessica was rearing her ugly head on a daily basis. Excuse after excuse crept up, and before she’d known it a week had passed. Then she’d received the results. If she kept her current brainless activity, she’d definitely die before the year was out. Without any kind of treatment, the mass would continue to grow, and it might even spread to other organs. In her head, she was fully aware of all the ramifications, but every time she started to make the call, she froze. Fear was a funny thing, and she continued to be crippled by it. “I haven’t managed to...”
“What is holding you back?”
Jessica remained silent for several moments. Didn’t the doctor understand? How could she? How could she truly appreciate what Jessica was going through unless she experienced it herself? Sure, she could sympathize, but that was it. “If I call, I have to accept the truth.”
“Don’t you think it’s time you did?” the doctor asked quietly. “You can’t work on getting better until you do.”
Deep down, Jessica realized that she had to make the call. It wasn’t in her to give up on herself. In this one instance, her selfishness was a good thing. She didn’t want to die, but she also didn’t want to deal with all the other ramifications her illness would bring.
“I might not be able to have children,” she said. “Being a mother—it’s all I’ve wanted for a long time. Depending on the treatment...”
Jessica closed her eyes, fighting back tears. After a few deep breaths and several internal battles, she opened them. She might not have much to fight for, but she did have a little dignity left. Children might not be in her future—she’d find a way to deal with it. When she lost her baby, she’d been so devastated. It had been the catalyst that led to the end of her marriage. Every mistake she’d made in the final months could be traced back to that awful moment. She’d pushed Ren away and then turned to his best friend. Loneliness had become a special companion of hers. Ren was better off without her and she didn’t deserve happiness. This was the final payment for all the wrong she’d unleashed on the world.
After she’d let go of her grief, she’d thought she could move on with Preston and maybe try again for another baby. It was foolish of her to hang on to that hope of bright, happy future. This was the end of the road for her, and it was time she accepted it. She would probably be a horrible mother anyway. No child should be subjected to her view on love.
“Something you won’t know until you make an appointment with Dr. Foster.” Dr. Adams leaned forward and said, “I urge you to make the call. Would you like me to do it for you?”
She shook her head. “No, I can do it.”
Jessica would make herself go through the motions and make the call. If she couldn’t do that much for herself, she was doomed. There was no one she could lean on. She’d burned too many bridges, and truthfully she didn’t really believe she deserved to have a real friend.
“Is there someone that can go with you to your appointment?”
Did Dr. Adams read minds? “I’m sure I can find someone.” She didn’t want to admit she didn’t have anyone. It hurt too much to think about it. Asking Preston was out of the question... She didn’t want him to even know how sick she was. He’d hover, and he needed to move on with his life. There was no future for them. With her track record, she was bound to bulldoze his life all over again. He might not realize it yet, but he was much better off without her.
“Do you still live alone?” Dr. Adams asked.
“I—yes,” Jessica said. “It’s easier that way.”
She still lived in the house she and Ren had shared while they were married. Their divorce had been final months ago, but for a time she thought she could win him back. She’d had this silly idea that she owed him and the only way she could repay him was to be his wife again. It was unnatural how often she’d thrown herself in his path. There was no undoing the mistakes she’d made, and it took her a while to realize she couldn’t fix it. There was no love between her and Ren. Now that he was moving on and marrying Dani, there was no reason to keep the house. It held too many memories. Perhaps it was time to sell it and move into something smaller.
“I don’t like the idea of you being alone when you’re like this. Do you at least have a pet?”
“A pet?” She set her cup down on the table. Her interest in the herbal tea had waned after the first drink. The reason she’d kept the cup in her hand was out of politeness. “Like a dog?”
“Or even a cat,” Dr. Adams said. “Something you can cuddle with on days you’re feeling especially sad. Having an animal can help stabilize your moods.”
Jessica had never considered getting a pet. It would be nice to have a dog to keep her company. She’d never really been a cat person. They were too solitary and moody for her tastes. With her luck, she’d get one that hated her and clawed her every chance it got. A dog though... They loved everybody and were always happy to see their owners.
“Do you think that is a good idea?” She frowned. “An animal is a lot of work, and if I’m too sick to take care of it...”
“Animals are resilient, and having one around will help with your morale.” Dr. Adams brought her hand up to rest on Jessica’s arm. “Feeding them and letting them outside will give you a reason to get out of bed each day. You have a lot of life in you, and I have faith you will find a way to deal with all of this. Trust in yourself and everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.”
Jessica wished she had that much faith in herself. She didn’t really believe she could make it through all right, but maybe having a dog would be a way for her to start having faith. The question was what kind of dog should she get? She didn’t really have a clue about them. She’d go to the local shelter and adopt one. Surely there was one that needed love as much as she did.
“I think that you’re right,” Jessica said. “I have a long way to go, but I will find a way to handle it all.”
“Good for you,” Dr. Adams said. “I’m going to have Christie schedule you to come in more often. I think we need to meet more than once every month while you are dealing with all of this.” She set her cup down and stood. “In the meantime, if you need to talk about anything or you’re having any doubts please call me. I don’t want you to go through any of this alone.”
“Thank you,” Jessica said. “I hope I don’t need to, but it’s good to know the option is there.”
“Come,” Dr. Adams said. “I’ll walk out with you.”
Jessica stood and met Dr. Adams at the door. “I’m s
o glad I kept this appointment. I almost cancelled it. I haven’t had much energy or motivation to leave the house.”
Denial was the real bitch. She’d been curled up in a ball on her bed or couch for long periods of time. She mostly stared at the television in silence. Sadly, she couldn’t even remember what she’d watched. The program hadn’t mattered anyway. It had all been background noise until she realized what day it was and pulled herself together.
“Another reason to have a pet. They won’t let you forget to feed them, or in the case of a dog, let them outside to do their business.” Dr. Adams smiled. “I look forward to our next visit.”
Jessica nodded. “Me too.” She hugged Dr. Adams and went to the waiting room to see Christie.
A lightness filled her chest. Maybe, just maybe, everything wasn’t as bleak as she’d thought it was. If she allowed herself to hope and got bad news though... She shook her head and that particular thought out of it. It wasn’t the time for melancholy to take root. A defeatist attitude wouldn’t help her.
She made her appointments with Christie and left Dr. Adams’s office. As she exited the hospital, she ran into Lana Kelly, knocking her to the ground. What was with her and literally bumping into people? First Preston and now Lana... She had to stop her absentmindedness.
“Damn, you look like shit,” Lana said. “Do me a favor and help me to my feet.”
Jessica’s mouth fell open at her words. Did she look that bad? “If I must,” she replied and brought her hand forward to help Lana up.
Lana studied her for several minutes and said, “I don’t know what is going on with you, but you look like you need a good meal. Come have dinner with me and my mom. She makes a mean roast.”
“What does that even...” Jessica waved her hand. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t.”
She raised an eyebrow. “You have a hot date or something?” She glanced over Jessica’s clothing. “Is he into worn-out chicks who don’t bathe on a regular basis?”