Donut Leave Me

by Teresa Crumpton

  Forest

  This morning is already hell, and Ella isn’t even up yet. Sitting on the edge of my bed watching her sleep, I feel a bit like a perv. Hopefully, as I get used to having a daughter and someone other than myself to take care of, it won’t freak me out quite so much. Though, today I’m not sure if I’m feeling this way because of the fact that I have a daughter sleeping in my bed, or the fact that we have to bury her mother.

  Yesterday she was so strong. I'm worried that as we put her mom in the ground, she won't be able to hold herself together like she did at the funeral home. I know I wouldn't be able to keep it together if it was my mom, but maybe this sweet little girl is braver than I am.

  “Daddy!” she calls out from her sleep. I scoot closer to her.

  “Shhh, I’m here.” I lower my head and whisper in her ear as I gently stroke her long hair.

  Her eyes open, and she stares at me for a long moment. “Daddy, I don’t know if I can do this today. Last night was so hard. All I wanted to do was cry the whole time. After today, I’ll never see Mommy again.”

  Well fuck me.

  I pull her out of bed and onto my lap, wrapping my arms tightly around her. “Listen to me. We’ll go visit Mommy whenever you want. And even if I’m stuck at Belladonna and you want to go, we’ll make arrangements for that to happen. Gramps or Nonna will take you if no one else is able to. Okay?”

  Her little body shakes in my arms as she cries, my shirt sleeve soaking up the tears. She’s breaking me, and I honestly don’t think I can fix any of this.

  “I know what I’m about to say isn’t going to make things any better, and I realize it was something you did with your mom. But how about you get dressed, and before we go say our final goodbyes, we’ll grab some donuts from this great place I know that’s close to Belladonna? It’s called Voodoo Doughnut, and they make some freaking crazy donuts. Sound good?” I kiss her forehead.

  Ella pulls away from me slightly and studies me. “Can we also get one for Mommy? I can put it in the casket.”

  With those words I finally break, and I shed my first tears for Hallie. “Baby girl, we can do whatever you want to do. If you want to get a dozen donuts for your mom, we will.” I pull her back to me and hug her once more.

  “Daddy, one is plenty for Mommy. But I want a dozen just for me,” she declares into my shoulder.

  I chuckle.

  “We can get a dozen, but you’re only eating two this morning. I’ll let you have more later. Like maybe after lunch or dinner. Speaking of, I think Calla said Belladonna was going to have something special for you tonight if you want to eat there.”

  “Daddy, are you dating Ms. Calla?” Ella starts to move to get dressed, and I notice she’s moving a little quicker now that she knows she’s getting donuts.

  “No, Sweetheart. Calla’s just a really great friend. She’s been having a hard year and hasn’t been herself, so she’s excited to help with you. I think helping you takes her mind off what’s going on with her.” I ruffle her hair.

  “Daddy, one last question for now?” I nod. “Is Ms. Calla dating Mr. Wes?”

  I chuckle and smile at her. “No, she’s not. I’ll tell you a secret, though... They both like each other a lot, but they won’t get their shit together and date.”

  “If you’re not going to date Ms. Calla then Mr. Wes definitely needs to get his shit together,” she pronounces and quickly slaps a hand over her mouth.

  All I can do is laugh. I can’t scold her for cursing when I just did it in front of her, and she pretty much has a point. I’d really love to say Wes needs to get his head out of his ass, but I can’t go there. One curse word is good enough for today.

  I’m going to need to watch what I say from now on. Fuck, fuck, fuck. This is not going to be easy.

  “Alright young lady, let’s not say that word often. Now go get your shower, so we can head to the donut shop.”

  She scurries off, and soon I hear the water running in the bathroom. While she’s getting ready, I get dressed and text the Belladonna crew.

  Me: Today is going to fucking suck for Ella. Before we go back to the funeral home I’m stopping by Voodoo. Ella and Hallie would get donuts every weekend, so without us taking donuts to the grave every weekend, this is her last time having donuts with her mom. Do you guys want anything?

  Calla: Fuck Forest! Now I want to cuddle her even more. I would say grab me a Cock-n-Balls but you have Ella, so will you get me the Portland Cream?

  Wes: You don’t need a Cock-n-Balls, you have all of us. Lol. Dude, I’ll take a Maple Bacon Bar. Thanks.

  Calla: Fuck off Wes.

  Me: I can’t be laughing right now. Fuckers.

  Trey: I can’t believe you just went there! Seriously? I’ll take a Voodoo Doll. I’ll name it Wes for all of us. Then I’ll just stick the pretzel in it a few times, and maybe it will help keep the dumbass in line.

  Adam: I’m fucking glad Nessa isn’t paying attention to her phone. I’m not sure she could handle your shit right now. Forest, we’ll take two glazed donuts. Oh shit! She’s reading the text! Now we’re fucked.

  Nessa: What the hell?! We have a funeral to go to! Can’t you be adults for a change? How’s Ella doing? Do you need anything from us?

  Me: Okay I have everyone’s orders. Ella is doing as well as can be expected. Calla, I did tell her you’d talked about dinner at Belladonna tonight and that, along with the donuts, put a smile on her face. I just want to double check that we can still do that.

  Calla: Hell yes. We’ve talked about inviting everyone back to Belladonna after the graveside service. Do you want that, or just y’all and the family?

  Me: Do we have enough for the football team?

  Wes: Probably. We put a notice on the door saying Belladonna was closed today for a private event for the staff, so we should be covered.

  Me: Holy shit! Really? This is why y’all are family too. Thank you. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this. I know this hasn’t been easy on anyone as I learn this new role as a dad, but the fact that y’all have taken Ella in as one of the family is so fucking amazing. Truly, thank you. Unlike Nessa and Adam, the rest of y’all didn’t have to do it.

  Wes: I think I speak for everyone now. She is a badass little girl, and while we haven’t known her long, she’s yours, so she’s ours. Whether she likes it or not, she has two more uncles and an aunt here for her. Granted, Uncle Wes will be more beneficial when she’s older. Lol

  Calla: You’re such an ass. And except for the last part, I agree.

  The door to the bathroom opens, and as I glance over at my little girl dressed in black, my heart shatters for her. At her age, she shouldn’t have to deal with something so devastating.

  “Daddy can you help me with the zipper, please?” she requests in a soft voice. “And possibly my hair?”

  I gesture for her to come over to me, and I take a seat on the bed again. “Let me finish this text, and I’ll see what we can do.”

  Me: Okay, Ella’s about ready. We’ll see you after we get the donuts. Nessa, I may need your help with her hair when we get to the funeral home.

  I drop the phone on the bed and zip her dress. “Okay. I’ll be honest... I don’t know much about girls’ hair, so I’ve asked Aunt Nessa to help fix yours when we get to the funeral home if I can’t get it right. Or you can ask Aunt Calla, or Aunt Piper.”

  “Aunt Calla?” She spins around, eyes wide and staring at me.

  “Yep. I was just texting with Calla, Trey, Wes, Uncle Adam, and Aunt Nessa. We have a group chat since we’re always hanging out, and Wes says you’ve gained two more uncles and an aunt. So your family has grown a bit more than you thought.” I reach for her hands and hold them, squeezing slightly.

  More tears billow in her eyes. Those tears fucking gut me every time I see them. And while I know it’s going to take time for her to be happy, I can’t wait for that day. This level of sadness is one of the hardest things I have ever had to helplessly watch on such a sw
eet face.

  Chapter 8

  Forest

  We pull into the employee parking lot behind Belladonna and park in the first space. I gesture for Ella to wait as I jump out of the truck and walk around to help her out. If she gets her dress dirty before the service, I doubt I’ll hear the end of it from the women in my family. With Ella’s hand in mine, I close the door behind her and lock it as we head for 6th Street. The walk to Voodoo Doughnut takes a little longer than usual as I have to slow my pace for Ella.

  “I guess I should’ve parked closer for us. Sorry, Sweetheart.” I squeeze her hand as we stroll down the street.

  “It’s okay Daddy. I’m kinda happy it’s going to take longer. I’m really not ready to see Mommy yet.” She’s somehow managing to keep her tears at bay for the time being.

  Tough little girl. And she’s all mine.

  We make it to the donut shop and, thankfully, the place is slow. If we had come in during peak times, I don’t know when we’d finally get out.

  “Go see what you want. I need to place everyone else’s order,” I tell her, and she quickly heads to the display counter.

  That’s the fastest I’ve seen her move since I met her. I chuckle.

  “Daddy, why is there a donut called Cock-n-Balls?” Ella asks, looking over her shoulder at me.

  Fuck me. My eyes close, and I really do try to hold in my laughter, but I just can’t. Hearing her sweet little voice say ‘cock-n-balls’ is more than I can take, and I’m so fucking glad Wes isn’t with us to witness that. He would never let me hear the end of it if he was.

  “How about you ask Uncle Wes when you give it to him? Make sure you ask him in front of Aunt Calla and Uncle Trey. I bet they’ll want to take a picture of his face.” Did I really just tell my daughter to ask Wes that? Shit, I’m so fucked!

  Stepping up to the register, I glance at the donuts and quickly decide what I’m going to get while Ella is still studying the huge variety of donuts they offer.

  “Forest Jenson, right?” the woman behind the counter asks me.

  My brows furrow as I stare at her. She doesn’t look familiar, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t hooked up with her sometime in the past. There have been a few crazy nights when I’ve been out with Trey, Wes, and our friend Rex. Even then I can normally place the face. Not with this gorgeous woman, though.

  “Yes,” I answer hesitantly. “I’m sorry... have we met?” I inquire, still trying to figure out if I know her but coming up completely blank.

  “Sorry, no,” she answers and shakes her head slightly then smiles shyly as her cheeks turn a cute shade of pink. “But I know Trey and Calla from Belladonna, and they come in here on occasion. To help speed things along, Trey already called in the order for everyone but you and... Ella, right?”

  “That’s me!” my daughter pipes up happily, smiling at the woman.

  My daughter’s smile is amazing, and I’m so fucking pissed I’ve never seen it until now. It could light up a room, and holy fuck I’m going to need a bat and a gun to keep the fucking boys away from this sweet girl. I’m seriously fucked! It’s a good thing Wes and Trey have an arsenal. We’re going to need it. And sooner rather than later, too.

  “She’s a cutie. But I didn’t think any of the main staff at Belladonna had kiddos,” the woman remarks, biting her bottom lip. That’s when I notice it's pretty fucking sexy the way she bites it and smiles, her eyes sparkling.

  She is dressed in a white tank that shows off her perky breasts that are possibly a C-cup but, I can’t be sure. I’m not as good as Rex when it comes to guessing women’s cup sizes. They would fit in the palm of my hand, that I am sure of. Her hair, even pulled back in a ponytail, is the shade of milk chocolate when the light hits it just right.

  Shit... I can’t be thinking like this with my daughter in the room. Today has to be all about her. I’m such an asshole.

  I snap out of my musings regarding the woman just in time to here Ella ask, “Can I have one of these please, miss? And one of those? I need to give one to my mom.” The woman’s smile fades slightly as she moves to take Ella’s donuts out of the display counter.

  “And for you?” She looks at me, her voice a little less friendly.

  “Apple fritter and a glazed please. Ella did you only want one donut?” I smile down at her.

  “Sorry, Daddy. I’m so used to only being able to get one that I forgot you said I could have two. If I get two, can we get another one for Mommy to put with her?” Ella’s lips tremble a bit as she speaks.

  I drop down on one knee so I’m eye level with her. “Sweetheart, I wasn’t kidding earlier when I said I would put as many donuts in your mom’s casket as you want. I’d prefer that we eat them if we get her more than two, but whatever you want to do, I’ll do it for you.” I pull her in for a hug, and she sighs against me.

  “Miss can I-” Ella starts to say when the lady cuts her off.

  “How about you call me Jax? It’s what my friends call me,” Jax tells Ella, making my little girl smile again.

  “Thanks, Jax. Why do your friends call you that? And can you add a chocolate one? I’ll let you pick which chocolate, and I’d like to add the vi-sc-ous hib-isc-us,” Ella sounds out the words. “It looks pretty, and I think Mommy would have liked it.” Ella’s smile falls as her expression turns downcast once more.

  “Would have?” Jax questions.

  I gently place my hand on Ella’s shoulder. “Her mom just passed away, so two of the donuts will be placed in the casket with her. Sorry,” I wince as I explain.

  “I’m so sorry for your loss. Both of you,” Jax says, grabbing the other donuts.

  “Daddy didn’t really lose anyone. He just gained me,” Ella tells her, still looking down.

  Jax’s brows raise at Ella’s pronouncement.

  “Sorry. Our story is a little strange, and today is a shitty day all around,” I add.

  “No worries.” Jax finishes packaging up the donuts then walks around the counter and kneels in front of Ella.

  “My friends call me Jax because I didn’t like Jackie as a nickname. And sometimes Jaclyn is just a little too formal for me. Now I have a question for you,” Jax states, and Ella lifts her head so she can see her better.

  “I lost my mom when I was a few years older than you, so I know this isn’t easy. Can I give you a hug?” Jax places the box of donuts on the ground next to her and holds her arms open.

  Ella glances at me then back at Jax and steps in to hug her.

  “Maybe sometime you can tell me about your mommy?” Ella speaks so softly it’s hard to hear her as she continues. “That is, if I can talk Daddy into coming back here. Getting donuts was something I did with my Mommy every weekend. It’s why we’re doing it today, so I can have one more donut day with her.” That explanation broke whatever dam had been holding Ella’s tears at bay, and she lets them loose. When Jax glances up at me, it looks as if tears are filling her eyes as well, and she grabs my daughter in a tight hug one more time.

  “You’re so lucky to have a daddy who’s able to do that for you. You watch out for him.” Jax winks at me as she gives Ella the insight of someone who knows heartbreak the same way she does.

  It hurts my heart, but also makes me want to get to know this woman. Even if we only end up as friends, she is someone that can help my daughter in a way not many people are able to. I had been thinking of talking to Calla, but maybe she and Jax, if they really are friends, can have a girl’s lunch with Ella and begin to help her through this in a way that I can’t since I’ve never lost anyone close to me.

  Picking up the box, Jax rises and passes it to me. “Here you go. Why don’t you guys stop in this weekend if you’re up for it? I’ll buy you a doughnut and something to drink.”

  “Can we, Daddy? I know we need to do something just for us but--” the tears are still streaming down Ella’s cheeks.

  “Baby girl, we have plenty of time to do something for us. If you need donuts once a week for a while, we’l
l do it. But if we do, we split the donuts. Deal?” I hold out my hand for her, but all she does is shake it.

  “Deal. Thanks, Miss Jax. See you this weekend,” Ella says, her voice still somber as she walks toward the door.

  “Maybe your ‘thing’ becomes making doughnuts together. Does she know you’re the pastry chef at Belladonna?” Jax wants to know as she’s taking my outstretched hand and shaking it.

  “She does. But I hadn’t thought about baking donuts with her. Maybe when we come in this weekend you can give me some ideas so we can make that our ‘thing.’” Jax lets my hand go.

  “Deal. See you soon, Forest.”

  “Soon,” I repeat to myself as I follow my daughter to the front door where she’s patiently waiting.

  Chapter 9

  Jax

  I thought for sure this week was going to drag ass, especially after I suggested Forest and Ella come back by the shop. What the hell was I thinking? He just lost the girl’s mother! Yet, he didn’t seem as torn up as some people are when they lose their spouse. Hell, my father couldn’t function for years after my mom died from the brain tumor. Ella did make the comment that Forest gained her, so maybe they were divorced. Stop over-analyzing. Thank God I am in the back today. I’m not sure I could keep my head on straight if I was working with the customers. I’d probably get all the orders wrong.

  “Shit!” I say a little too loudly, and the other four bakers glance at me over their shoulders. Brad, one of the few weekend employees, pops his head in. Everyone else in the kitchen gets back to baking.

  “Jax, you okay back here?” he calls out.

  “Yeah, I just got dough all over me.” I roll my eyes, not that anyone can see me do it, but it makes me feel better.

  “Do you need any help? It’s slowed down a bit,” he offers with a twinkle in his baby blues, a stark contrast to his velvety hazelnut skin tone.

  Damn, when that boy gets older he’s going to be trouble, but his charms don’t work on me. I’ve known him for way too long. Not to mention that while he says he’s nothing like his brother, he truly is when it comes to his appearance. Except those eyes.