Scumble River Mystery 07 Dead Blondes Tell No Tales

by Denise Swanson

  “Are you sure?” May demanded.

  “Yes. The guy held a gun to him and duct-taped him to the chair but didn’t hurt him.” Skye repeated what she had been telling her mother every time May called. “Hey, I’ve got to go. I haven’t talked to Bunny yet, and I need to check and see if things are ready for tonight’s Marilyn Monroe look-alike contest. ’Bye.” Before May could answer, Skye hung up and headed downstairs.

  “Oh, my gosh.” As Skye entered the basement, she stopped dead in her tracks and gazed at the sea of Marilyns. There were Marilyns of all shapes and sizes crowding the room. A half a dozen dressing tables had been set up in the middle of the space, so the impersonators could add the finishing touches to their costumes before making a grand entrance when it was their turn to go onstage. Several battles over the use of the mirrors were currently in progress.

  Bunny fought her way through the throng and clutched Skye’s arm. “Ruby’s still missing, and that FBI agent was here this morning demanding the disks.”

  Skye steered Bunny to the side of the room. “Did he search the place?”

  “Well.” Bunny’s gaze slipped from Skye’s. “Not exactly.”

  Skye felt the urge to shake Bunny until whatever she was hiding popped out. “What do you mean, not exactly?”

  “I . . . uh . . . you see, I sort of knew where they were, so I gave them to him.”

  “What!” Skye’s roar caused an ocean of blond heads to turn in her direction. She bared her teeth in what she hoped resembled a smile, and motioned to them to go back to getting ready. “You told me you didn’t know where Ruby had hidden the disks.”

  “No. I told you Ruby didn’t tell me where she hid them, not that I didn’t know where they were hidden.”

  Skye took a deep breath to stop herself from strangling the woman. “Where were they?”

  Bunny grinned. “In the ceiling of the ladies’ room. I figured she stashed them there the day she got here when she was hiding from Wally.”

  “But Simon looked there, remember?”

  “He was looking for a large woman, not a small white envelope that blended in with the tiles.” Bunny smiled smugly. “I, on the other hand, knew what I was looking for.”

  Skye shook her head. There was no use in being upset with Bunny; she just marched to a drummer most people couldn’t even hear, let alone keep step with. “Now that the FBI has the disks, I wonder if they’ll still help look for Ruby.”

  “Damn!” Bunny’s expression was stricken. “I’m so stupid. I shouldn’t have given them to the feebs. They aren’t going to care what happens to someone like Ruby now that they got what they wanted.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” Skye put her arm around Bunny and squeezed. “Of course you should have given the FBI the disks. It was the right thing to do.”

  Bunny didn’t look convinced, but she let the subject drop and asked, “Any news from Wally?”

  “No. He said Officer Quirk saw the guy who tied Charlie up and stole the Easter Bunny outfit leave dressed in the costume, but he thought it was Charlie. Ruby wasn’t with him at the time.”

  Bunny’s nails dug into Skye’s flesh. “Charlie’s really okay, isn’t he?”

  “He’s fine.” Skye thought she would scream if one more person asked her that. “It’s too bad he didn’t get a good look at the guy, but Charlie said he wore a cap, sunglasses, and a bandanna over the lower part of his face.”

  Bunny nodded and Skye turned to leave as one of the Marilyn look-alikes tapped the older woman on the shoulder. “You said I could go first, but that lady with the baby insists she’s first. It’s essential that I be first. I’m doing Marilyn before she was discovered.”

  Baby?Skye glanced in the direction the Marilyn had pointed and saw a woman who had dressed her infant in a satin gown and put a tiny blond wig on its head. Skye sure hoped the child was a girl.

  Before Bunny moved away to settle the dispute, she said, “What I don’t understand is how Charlie’s attacker got into the bowling alley without being seen by someone.”

  “The only thing I can think of is that he came in with the kids and parents, and we just assumed he was someone’s dad. I figure he slipped into the storeroom to hide, was surprised to find Charlie there, and after he tied him up he saw the costume and decided that would be a good way to search the place without anyone being suspicious of a stranger poking around.” Skye narrowed her eyes. “In fact, I think he’s been here every night this week, dressed in various outfits and looking for those disks, or trying to get to Ruby.”

  The prestar Marilyn had been joined by a Marilyn dressed in a white halter dress, its skirt somehow wired into a permanently flipped-up position. They were both tugging on Bunny, trying to get the best spot in the show.

  Bunny shook them off. “You’re right. He was probably the guy in the gorilla mask, and the Elvis impersonator. The creep even won two prizes. When he’s caught, I want those back. He’s disqualified.”

  Skye grinned. Trust Bunny to see a different slant to things.

  A Marilyn in a slinky evening gown pushed the other impersonators aside and grabbed Bunny. In the trademark breathy Marilyn Monroe voice, she said, “Some son of a bitch stole my lip gloss. Call the police.”

  Skye shook her head and edged over to the stairs, escaping the mad Marilyns before Bunny got her involved in the case of the missing makeup.

  The bar was already full. They sure were making a lot more money than usual on drinks and food this week. If the FBI didn’t shut them down for harboring Ruby, and the Las Vegas goon didn’t burn them out, Bunny’s attempt to increase business would be a success.

  Skye was checking to see that everything was ready when she heard her name being called. Simon and Uncle Charlie, seated at a table near the front, were beckoning to her.

  Skye joined them and said to her godfather, “You don’t look any the worse for wear.”

  “I’m fine,” Charlie huffed. “I should have beat the crap out of that punk.”

  Skye patted his hand. “I’m sure you would have if he hadn’t had a gun.”

  “Damn straight I would.”

  Before anyone else could say something, Bunny stepped onstage. She had changed into a crocheted dress with fringe trim hanging from the short hem.

  Skye tipped her head. Was the dress lined in a flesh-toned fabric, or was that Bunny’s skin showing through? Skye glanced uneasily at Simon, ho was scowling at his mother’s latest fashion statement.

  Bunny tapped the mike to make sure it was on, then announced, “Good evening, everyone. Sit back, have a drink, and enjoy the world of Marilyn Monroe.”

  The lights dimmed, the music from “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” started, and the first Marilyn appeared to thunderous applause.

  Some of the impersonators were good, a couple great, and a few awful, but everyone was having a fine time. Skye had relaxed and was chatting with Charlie and Simon when the sixth Marilyn made her appearance.

  Skye stopped in midsentence and turned her full attention to the stage. This one was amazing. The dress, the hair, the makeup were perfect. Even the voice seemed dead-on.

  Skye squinted. Everything but the hands was right. They were much too large for a woman . . . and the diamond ring on the right pinkie was obviously not a woman’s piece of jewelry.

  Oh, my gosh!She knew that ring. It was the same as the one the man at the restaurant had been wearing, the same as that on the comic in the first night’s talent show, the same as the one on the Elvis impersonator. It had to be the goon from Las Vegas. What did he do, travel with a trunk full of costumes?

  Skye whispered to Charlie, “Did you notice if the guy who tied you up was wearing a ring?”

  “Yeah, a god-awful diamond pinkie ring on his right hand. Why?”

  Skye nodded toward the Marilyn onstage. “Like that one?”

  “Yeah!” Charlie leaped from his seat, thundered up the steps, and tackled the impersonator, yelling, “Pull a gun on me, will you? This’
ll teach you to treat an old man with more respect.”

  Chapter 14

  Survival of the Blondest

  Before anyone could react to Charlie’s attack on the impersonator, Bunny came flying from the wings, jumped on the guy’s back, grabbed his ears, and started pounding his head on the wooden floor, screaming, “What have you done with Ruby? If you’ve hurt her, you’re a dead man.”

  The gender-challenged Marilyn’s blond wig flew off, soaring into the audience, where two women attempted to catch it as if it were a bridal bouquet and they were the last single females in town. Neither lady made a clean catch, and a tug-of-war ensued, escalating into a wrestling match that both the women’s escorts felt obligated to join.

  Most of the spectators froze, enthralled with the show, but then someone yelled, “Fight!” and several men rushed the stage, joining in the melee. They might not know what was going on, but they weren’t about to miss a good brawl.

  Hacker, the bartender, sighed, scooped up his baseball bat, and waded into the frenzy.

  At the same time, Skye shot out of her chair, but Simon grabbed her arm as she sprinted past him. “Hold it. You’ll only get hurt if you go up there.”

  “We’ve got to stop it!” Skye tried to free herself from Simon’s grip.

  “How?”

  That was a good question. There were now at least a dozen men and a couple of additional Marilyns throwing punches and smashing one another over the head with anything available. Skye winced as one guy lifted the karaoke machine and brought it down on another guy’s back. Simon was right: At this point, it wasn’t as if she could break things up with mere words.

  What could she use to cool the combatants off?Cool off! That was it. She hastily explained what she needed to Simon, who took off at a run, ducking between clusters of fighters. He quickly found the hose that the cleaning crew used to wash down the cement floor behind the bar and connected it to the faucet back there.

  After he had it ready, he tossed the other end to Skye, who turned the dial on the nozzle to “power-wash” and aimed it at the fracas on the stage. She nodded to Simon, who turned the water on full force, and almost instantly a powerful torrent slammed into the fighters.

  Ten minutes later drenched people were trooping out the bar door, and Simon, Bunny, and Charlie were tying up the male Marilyn Monroe. Bunny had contributed her panty hose, Simon his necktie, and Charlie his belt to secure the impersonator.

  After making sure everyone who was supposed to leave actually did, and that the fighting was not going to start up again, Skye put down the hose and turned her attention to the guy tied to the chair. She poked him in the shoulder with her finger. “The FBI picked up the disks this morning. You’re too late, buddy.”

  “Disks? I ain’t after no disks. And my name’s not Buddy; it’s Lance.”

  Bunny pushed Skye aside, sloshing water as she moved. “Where’s Ruby?”

  “Gimme the ring and the letters and I’ll tell you where the old broad is.” Lance sneered, attempting to look tough but failing. A man wearing a wet evening gown and a nylon stocking on his head loses a lot of his ability to appear dangerous.

  Skye looked at Bunny and demanded, “What’s he talking about?”

  Bunny pushed a sheaf of wet hair from her face, spraying everyone in her immediate vicinity like a lawn sprinkler. “I have no idea. Honest.”

  “Forget it; he’s just stalling,” Charlie said to the women, and then hit the kidnapper on the side of the head with his open palm. “Where’s Ruby?”

  Lance howled. “Police brutality!”

  Simon smiled darkly. “Charlie’s not a cop. And if you don’t tell us where Ruby is, he’ll beat it out of you.”

  Skye thought Simon was bluffing about Charlie’s inclination toward violence, but the kidnapper wasn’t sure. He eyed the big man, whose fists were clenched and lips were drawn back in a snarl.

  “Enough of this.” Before Skye, Simon, or Charlie could react, Bunny grabbed Lance by his family jewels and twisted. “Tell me what you did with Ruby, or the next time you sing in the church choir, you’ll be a soprano.”

  The man let out a shriek, then gasped as Bunny tightened her grasp. “Vacant factory . . . edge of town . . . office . . . but she might already be gone.” Bunny gasped, but did not release her grip on Lance’s privates. “What do you mean?”

  “The guy who hired me was sending someone to pick up the old broad. I was supposed to stay behind and get the letters and ring.”

  “She’d better still be there or you’re going to spend the rest of your life as a eunuch.” Bunny gave one more twist before letting go; then she wiped her hands on her dress and ordered, “Charlie, you and Sonny Boy stay here with Lance. Skye, get the car.”

  Skye hesitated, meeting Simon’s eyes and asking, “Isn’t it time to call the police?”

  Before he could answer, a female voice from the doorway said, “Did you all throw a party and forget to invite me?”

  “How did you get here?” Lance squeaked, apparently still feeling the effect of Bunny’s interrogation methods. Ruby shot him a dirty look and snapped, “You better just shut up or I’ll scalp you. You made me miss the Marilyn Monroe look-alike contest.”

  Lance sneered. “I’m such a better Marilyn than you anyway. You’re too fat to do Marilyn the right way.”

  Ruby huffed. “I do the queen-size version, and I could have mopped the floor with you.”

  Before he could retort, Bunny ran over and hugged her friend. “Ruby! You’re not dead.”

  “The rumors of my death have been highly exaggerated.” Ruby pried herself away from Bunny’s soggy embrace. “Why are you soaking wet?”

  Everyone began to explain at the same time. Finally Skye managed to get the others to quiet down, and filled Ruby in on the evening’s activities. She concluded with, “What ring and letters is he talking about? I thought he was after the disks.”

  “So did I, at first.” Ruby pulled out a chair and sat down. “But it turns out the casino owners didn’t send him. My fiancé’s son-in-law did.”

  “Who?” Bunny asked.

  “Why?” Skye got right to the point.

  Charlie and Simon were silent, perplexed looks on both their faces.

  Ruby stared pointedly at the bar. “Someone make me a martini and I’ll explain as much as I know.”

  “Make mine a double and I’ll fill in the rest.” A tall, handsome man in his sixties stood framed in the doorway.

  Ruby leaped out of her chair and threw herself into his arms. “Darling, how did you get here?”

  “When this dunderhead kidnapped you, he called my son-in-law to report that he had you. My daughter overheard her husband arranging to send someone to kill you, and she told me everything. I boarded the next plane to Chicago.”

  Everyone tried to talk at once, and Skye thought she would need to resort to the hose for a second time that day. Instead, she put two fingers in her mouth and let out a piercing whistle. In the ensuing silence she said, “Why don’t we just let Mr. . . . ?”

  “Masterson,” Ruby supplied. “Everyone, this is my fiancé, Archie Masterson.”

  Skye nodded and completed her sentence, “ . . . Mr. Masterson and Ruby tell us everything from the beginning.” Skye turned to the blonde and directed, “Ruby, you start from when Lance kidnapped you.”

  “The kids at the Easter-egg hunt were so loud, and I had a horrible headache, so I decided to sit outside until it was all over.” Ruby clung to her fiancé. “When the Easter Bunny came up to me, I thought it was Charlie, but then he pulled a gun and demanded I give him the ring and the letters. I refused and he tore the apartment apart. Luckily I had put the ring and most of the letters in my safe-deposit box before leaving Las Vegas. I managed to slam a lamp across his face, but he didn’t drop the gun, and when he couldn’t find what he wanted he forced me to go with him.”

  “That explains the blood,” Bunny murmured. “We were worried it was yours.”

  “No
pe. That sucker’s nose bled like a stuck pig.”

  “You almost broke it. If I’m too disfigured to do my act, I’m going to sue you.” Lance whined until Bunny made a squeezing motion with her hand.

  “Why did he want your ring, and what letters are you talking about?” Skye asked, getting more and more confused. “What act?”

  “I’m able to solve the first part of the mystery.” Archie smiled, displaying straight white teeth under a clipped gray mustache. “When Ruby consented to be my bride, I gave her the Masterson diamond as an engagement ring. The letters are no doubt from me to Ruby declaring my love and intention to marry her.”

  Skye was entranced with Archie’s slight accent; it wasn’t quite British, but what was it? She shook her head. She wasn’t going to let his charm distract her from getting the whole story. “And?”

  Archie sighed. “And when I told my daughter about my engagement to Ruby, and she told her husband, my twit of a son-in-law was afraid Ruby’s rather vivid past would leak out and ruin his chances to become governor of Nevada.” Archie’s blue eyes twinkled and he winked at Ruby. “What he really should be afraid of is thatmy past might get out.”

  Ruby swatted him playfully and giggled. “Oh, Archie.”

  Skye ignored the interruption, intent on getting this whole thing settled once and for all. “So he hired this goon to get back the ring and the letters,” she guessed.

  “Exactly. They’re the only physical evidence that we plan to marry. Once he had them, his next step was to have someone get rid of Ruby. He fooled my daughter into giving him the phone number here, ferreted out Ruby’s location, and sicced this cretin on her.”

  Skye turned to Ruby. “How did you get away from the factory? Didn’t he have you tied up?”

  “I could have gotten free from the ropes anytime—remember I was married to both a contortionist and a magician—but I had to wait until he left me alone.” Ruby shook her head. “Luckily, I was already free and walking down the road when the next thug showed up or I’d be dead right now. I hid behind a tree and watched. The new guy was a professional, and had his gun drawn as he went into the building. He was ready to shoot me.”