Letters of Love (Lessons in Love)

by Clarissa Carlyle

  “Okay, okay, I’ll go.”

  “So how much trouble did you get into last night?”

  “Stop it.” Alex raised a warning finger, citing that she wouldn’t disclose any details of the previous night.

  “Just give me ballpark. Was it mild misdemeanor or a felony?”

  Alex was silent.

  “A felony, then. That good?” Ashley giggled.

  “I didn’t say anything!”

  “You didn’t have to!”

  “Is that the time?” Alex glanced at the pink neon clock on the bedroom wall.

  “Nice try changing the subject.” Ashley pursed her lips in mocking disapproval.

  “No, seriously, Ash, I’m late for class again. Dammit!” Alex began racing around her room, shoving items she’d need into her backpack.

  A few minutes later she bustled out the door, her hair still wet from her shower, and almost knocked over Cindy Mayhew, a fellow sorority sister.

  “Sorry, Cindy!” Alex called back to her, already running down the central staircase of the house.

  “What’s her hurry?” Cindy directed her question to Alex’s roommate, who was back on her own bed, picking up a magazine to browse through.

  “Late for class.”

  “Again? Isn’t she already on probation?” Cindy enquired, leaning against the door frame, her eyes regarding Ashley with interest.

  “She’ll be fine.” Ashley waved a dismissive hand at the nosey sister. “Alex is a smart girl. She’ll sort it out.”

  “She’d better,” Cindy chirped.

  ****

  Alex ran across the main courtyard, desperately trying to make up lost time. She was already half an hour late for her morning class. She’d overslept following her rooftop encounter with Oscar, coming in late and forgetting to set her alarm.

  Shaking her head as she ran, Alex berated herself for the hundredth time for not being organized. Since she’d met him, it was like her head was up with the stars she’d been gazing at, no longer present in the moment. She struggled to think straight, to focus. Though she doubted the academic board would appreciate her explanation.

  “Sorry I’ve been late so much, I fell in love.”

  She resented herself for letting her feelings get in the way of her studies. Determined to turn a corner, she finally arrived at her classroom and let herself in as stealthily as possible. Miss Dunne was in full flow at the front of the room, and thankfully there was a desk near the door that Alex could ease herself in to.

  A few heads turned to look her way, but most people were disinterested in her late arrival. It had become a regular occurrence and lost the element of spectacle. Laying out her textbooks, Alex suddenly felt self-conscious about her disheveled appearance. Her hair was still wet and sat flatly on her head, her clothes thrown on in a state of panic. Looking down, Alex groaned inwardly when she spotted her sweater label sticking out at the front. In her haste she’d put it on back to front and inside out. Lowering herself into her chair, Alex wanted the ground to just swallow her up.

  ****

  The class concluded, and Alex thought she had safely redeemed her tardiness, so she collected her things together and prepared to leave, but Miss Dunne made her way over to her desk and stood before it forebodingly.

  “You were late again.” Her voice was cold.

  “I’m so, so sorry,” Alex groveled. “My alarm didn’t go off, and I was running late.”

  “You’re a mess.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t get a chance to get myself together,” Alex explained her shabby attire and ran a regretful hand through her still-damp hair.

  “Well, I suggest you get yourself together and quickly,” Miss Dunne warned. “You’re better than this, Alex.”

  “Yeah, yes, I know.”

  “Start being the woman you want to become.”

  Miss Dunne’s instructions resonated in Alex, and she found herself thinking of Mark. Remembering how much he’d believed in her, how he’d risked everything to get her to Princeton, how much he’d supported her, how much he loved her. What would he think if he could see her now?

  Burning with betrayal, Alex rose up and nodded emphatically at Miss Dunne. “I promise that I’m going to get my act together.”

  “Good, make sure that you do.”

  ****

  “I can’t believe that all your classes are early,” Ashley moaned beneath the covers as Alex pottered around their bedroom, getting herself ready. “You are so unlucky,” Ashley murmured sleepily.

  “Yeah, it sucks,” Alex agreed as she threw on a hooded top and shoved her textbook into her backpack.

  “Next semester I’ll have to follow your lead and only take afternoon classes!”

  “It’s the only way to do college,” Ashley said, her voice muffled by the bedding that embraced her.

  “Sure is.” Alex sighed, glancing longingly at the bed she’d previously vacated after only four hours’ sleep.

  “Aren’t you tired?” Ashley asked, yawning on cue.

  “Just a bit,” Alex admitted. Her limbs already ached with fatigue, her mind struggling to be alert, the lure of more sleep preventing her thoughts from having complete clarity. “It was worth it, though.”

  Ashley finally emerged from the duvet and sat up to look directly at her friend. Ashley’s dark locks were tangled madly around her head, and the makeup from the previous night was strewn wildly down her cheeks, making her look like a demented clown.

  “You’re a mess!” Alex laughed fondly.

  “I feel a mess,” Ashley croaked, her voice hoarse.

  “I’m not surprised. I lost you halfway through the night, and you weren’t here when I crept in to bed at three. I began to wonder if you’d even make it back here.”

  “Well, ta-dah, here I am,” Ashley tried to sound dramatic but lacked the energy to do so.

  “So what happened with Tad?” Alex asked, glancing briefly at the clock to make sure that she still had time to stand and gossip.

  “Urgh,” Ashley groaned and fell back into her bedding.

  “Guess you didn’t see his motorcycle, then?” Alex teased.

  “Let’s just say that I’m still looking for my Oscar.” Ashley sighed sadly.

  “Oscar isn’t so perfect.”

  “Isn’t he?” Ashley propped herself up again with her right arm, yawning again as she did so. “You’re totally hung up on him,” she continued. “Whenever you think about him you get this goofy smile on your face.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “See, there it is!” Ashley pointed proudly at Alex’s now smiling face. “Alex Heron, you are in love. Your smile is proof enough!”

  “Go back to sleep!” Alex playfully threw a pillow over at her friend.

  “Get to class!” Ashley snapped as a rebuttal. “I need you here next year to listen to my man troubles, so make sure you keep those grades up!”

  “I will!” Alex promised, leaving their bedroom, and by the time the door clicked shut, Ashley had already fallen back into a deep sleep.

  The sorority house was always quiet at such an early hour. A few sisters were eating breakfast in the communal dining room, but there was an unspoken rule that before 9 a.m. all noise was kept to an absolute minimum, and so abiding by this rule, Alex quietly made her way down the stairs and out the front door.

  There was a brisk coolness in the air that made Alex thankful she’d chosen to wear her hoody. She walked purposefully towards the main campus, full of enthusiasm for the class ahead despite her lack of sleep. She could sleep later, when Ashley was out at classes, and then by the evening they’d both be caught up on their rest.

  Rounding a corner, Alex could see the building that housed her class, a tall building with a clock tower at its pinnacle. In front of it was a grassy area, where on sunny days students would sit out and read, but on this cold morning it was deserted.

  As she walked, Alex went through her mental checklist of what she needed to do for class. There was an assig
nment to hand in and a test she was currently preparing for. Finally, she felt on top of her workload and caught up with her peers.

  “Alex!” a deep male voice hissed her voice as she headed towards her building. She ignored it at first, but the caller persisted.

  “Alex!”

  Glancing back, Alex spotted the unmistakable figure of Oscar, his long limbs leaning against a column as he stood precariously close to a school building, smoking, which was forbidden on that part of campus.

  “Oscar!” Alex strode over to him with fierce, driven steps, suddenly filled with anger at his blatant disregard for the rules. “You can’t smoke here!” she told him angrily.

  “It’s a free country.” Oscar shrugged nonchalantly, deliberately taking an extra-long drag from the white stick held in his perfect mouth.

  “No, it’s not.” Outraged Alex reached out and grabbed the cigarette from between his lips, immediately throwing it to the ground, where she stubbed it out with her Converse shoe.

  “America is a country of fake liberties, where the rich shepherd and exploit the poor, where the American dream is nothing more than a myth, and the real dream is greed. Gordon Gekko’s mantra of greed is good should be woven on to the American flag, you said so yourself.”

  “At least you’ve been paying attention,” Oscar deadpanned.

  “You can’t flaunt the rules like this, Oscar. You’re going to get expelled.” Alex pleaded with him.

  “So what?” Oscar shrugged.

  “You’ve got such a great mind, Oscar. Don’t let it go to waste because of some ill-judged rebellion.”

  “Ill-judged?” Oscar raised an eyebrow in annoyance.

  “Smoking where it is prohibited is a petty point to make.” Alex sighed. “Why not use your time here to make a real difference. Ace your tests, get an amazing job, become a part of the one percent and help to make a real difference in this country. Fix healthcare, make the tax breaks fair, all the things you claim are broken, try to mend them.”

  “I’m not going into politics,” Oscar answered stoically. “Your friend Ashley is the one destined to be a politician, which is a scary thought.”

  “But what about you? What are you destined to do?” Alex looked at him with open, earnest eyes. Oscar was the smartest man she’d ever met, yet he never spoke about what he wanted to do with that intelligence, how he would wield it as he entered adulthood to enact positive change.

  “I’m destined to die,” Oscar answered simply. The bluntness of his response shocked Alex, and for a moment she was speechless. Her mind’s eye suddenly saw her father’s lifeless body as his precious blood seeped out of him, the color fading from his face. She felt sickened by the image but also terrified.

  “Our time here is so precious and so limited,” Oscar continued, reaching into his pocket for another cigarette, which he lit up, but Alex didn’t protest.

  “We run ourselves ragged trying to make ourselves count, trying to make money, and for what?”

  The question hung unanswered in the air between them.

  “You go to class today, you waste a day listening to someone tell you how to think, and then tonight you might die of an aneurism.”

  Alex was silent. To anyone else, Oscar’s words might have sounded pious and self-righteous, but to Alex they hit a nerve. In the wake of her father’s death she’d continually questioned the meaning of life; she still did from time to time. The fragility of life terrified her, as did the immense question everyone would one day face: what comes next? The oblivion of death, of ending, was overwhelming.

  “Carpe diem,” she said, her voice small.

  Oscar took his free hand and lifted her face so that she was gazing directly into his dark, brooding eyes.

  “Exactly.” He smiled around his cigarette. “This is why you’re special, Alex, because you get it. Everyone else gets caught up in the crap, of worrying about making the grade, but you know it’s all about making it count.”

  “Yeah.” Alex was lost in his eyes, his eyes which were as deep and mysterious as an ocean.

  “Like I said, I’m destined to die, so are you, it’s what we do when we are alive that counts. I want to be remembered for all the great things I did, not for how much money I made.” Oscar continued on his idealistic lament.

  Standing before him, Alex recalled a conversation she’d overheard in the weeks following her father’s death. Her mother had been at the kitchen table in their old home, surrounded by bone china plates and a top-of-the-range cooker.

  Jackie Heron sat nursing a cup of coffee, which had long since gone cold. Across from her sat her close friend Marie Shrouder, who lived in a house equally as beautiful.

  “It’s just none of this, none of this matters,” Jackie had said tearfully, gesturing to the room around them.

  “He worked himself so hard, and now I’m going to lose everything anyway.” She glanced down sadly at her cold coffee, unaware that a few feet away a young Alex sat on their large wooden staircase, leaning against the elaborate wooden spindles, hanging on her mother’s every word, which carried up to her.

  “But I’d give it all up, every last bit of it, just to have him back. Nothing matters but him, and I can’t tell him that.” Jackie’s tears intensified to sobs, and a young Alex struggled to understand what her mother meant. They had a beautiful home, full of beautiful things, why would they ever choose to give it up?

  But now, standing before Oscar, Alex completely understood what her mother meant. The trappings of their life didn’t matter. What mattered was the love that they shared. Even though living in a trailer was hard, the love Jackie Heron felt for her children had only intensified. They still had each other, and that in itself was priceless.

  “You matter to me,” Alex told Oscar as her eyes grew misty.

  “And you matter to me.” Oscar discarded his newly lit cigarette and pulled Alex in for a deep, passionate kiss. A kiss that started as tender and loving began to quickly develop into something else.

  They parted, breathing heavily, and Oscar drew Alex closer and whispered in her ear. “It really turns me on when you talk like that, when you quote my Gekko theory.” His breath was hot and heavy against Alex’s skin, and it made her whole body tingle with suspense.

  “My roommate is out all day. Let’s go back to my dorm room where we can spend all day in bed,” Oscar suggested seductively.

  “I’ve got class,” Alex cited lamely, already feeling her body bend to his will.

  “You can either go and sit in class and learn lame, boring information or you can come and get in my bed, where I’ll use my tongue to make you see stars all over again.”

  Needing no further convincing, Alex let Oscar take her hand and guide her away from the main campus buildings, towards his dorm building. Her previous enthusiasm for a day of learning had evaporated against the heat of her own desires.

  ****

  Hours later, as Alex lay in Oscar’s bed and listened to the Radiohead CD he’d put on, her mind began to wander back to the moment that morning when he’d called her as she headed over to class. It seemed too much of a coincidence that he’d just been there at that time, when he didn’t have class himself. She began to wonder if it was no accident that she’d ended up in his bed all day, that he’d had that intention all along, that their whole conversation had been premeditated.

  But Alex was unable to dwell on the thought for too long as her lack of sleep caught up with her, and she fell into a pleasant slumber, all thoughts about missed classes and planned conversations fell from her mind in place of the beautiful coolness of sleep.

  ****

  Alex eyed the white envelope cautiously. It stared up at her accusingly from the carpeted floor, having previously been pushed under her bedroom door, her name neatly typed on the front. She immediately recognized the format of the letter and knew that it didn’t indicate anything good.

  Ashley came bursting through the door, her skin freshly scented like lemons from her shower, plac
ing one slipper-covered foot directly on top of the letter.

  “Oh, sorry,” she apologized before bending to pick the envelope up. “It’s for you.” She casually passed the letter across to Alex.

  Sitting on her bed, Alex held the envelope in her hands. It felt heavy with expectation.

  “You not going to open it?” Ashley asked as she began to comb through her wet hair as she sat at her desk, which was used more frequently as a vanity table.

  Alex was quiet.

  “Is it another letter from the college?” Ashley asked, sounding anxious. She turned to give her friend her full attention.

  Alex merely nodded numbly in response.

  “It might not be bad. You haven’t opened it yet.” Ashley tried to sound optimistic. “Besides, you’ve been turning up for all your classes.”

  Alex shamefully shook her head.

  “Oh, Alex.” As she spoke, Alex’s eyes grew sad. “I thought you’d been going all the time, making extra effort.”

  “I was.” Alex tried to defend herself, already knowing it was too late for excuses. “But…” Her voice trailed off, unable to complete the sentence.

  “But along came Oscar,” Ashley answered for her. There was no judgment in her voice, only saddened understanding.

  “Yeah, along came Oscar,” Alex admitted sadly.

  “Love can blind the best of us.” Ashley came and sat beside her friend, placing a consolatory arm around her.

  “Open it. It might not be as bad as you think,” she urged gently. “And I’m here for you, no matter what it says.”

  With trepidation, Alex opened the letter and read the neatly typed words that were intended for her eyes.

  After a few moments scanning the document, Alex sighed wearily. “I’ve got to go and meet with Miss Dunne this afternoon.”

  “See, that’s not so bad!” Ashley tried to sound positive.

  “Isn’t it?” Alex asked pessimistically.

  “No, not at all. It’s not a straight-out expulsion, which means that they’re offering you an olive branch, so go take it!”