Letters of Love (Lessons in Love)

by Clarissa Carlyle

  “Andy, I know,” Alex said tersely.

  “Good, well, now I’ve told you, we can be friends again.” He wrapped an arm around his sister, who was dwarfed by his long frame.

  “And your first friendly act is to tell me all about that hot little redhead.” Andy glanced back at the sorority sister he’d previously been chatting with.

  “Andy, I’m not helping you pick up women!” Alex declared, freaked out at the realization that her brother was not only grown up but probably also dating.

  “Like I need your help.” Andy laughed and headed off towards the redhead.

  ****

  “Did you find Andy?” Jackie asked nervously when Alex returned to the hallway.

  “He’s otherwise engaged,” Alex replied ambiguously.

  “Never mind him, today is your day.” Jackie smiled. “And I’m so proud of you, Alexandra, as I know your dad would have been if he were here…” Her voice trailed off as she felt a lump form in her throat.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been home more,” Alex said quickly, still feeling the sting from Andy’s comments.

  “It’s okay, sweetheart. You’re busy living your life, and that’s exactly what I wanted for you.” Jackie smiled kindly, her eyes now misted with tears.

  “Now let’s go see you graduate!” Jackie beamed.

  ****

  Alex felt lost among the throng of students as she lined up outside the auditorium. Graduates were lined up in alphabetical order, so Alex was away from both Ashley and Oscar, which saddened her. It would have been nice to be beside a friend as she went up to collect her diploma.

  Nevertheless, the sun was shining, and everyone was in high spirits as the seniors began to march into the auditorium that was already buzzing with excited family members.

  Alex sat and fidgeted in her gown while listening to the opening speech given by the president of the school. Ashley had been right about the gowns being itchy.

  As the president spoke about hard work, dedication and the future, Alex scanned the crowd around her for a familiar face. It didn’t take her long to locate Ashley, who was half a dozen rows behind. Ashley was also looking over the sea of faces, and when she spotted Alex, she waved enthusiastically.

  Once the president finished speaking, everyone applauded politely and took a deep breath. Next came the part where each student went up individually to pick up their diplomas. It was a proud moment, a moment all of them would remember for the rest of their lives. Alex braced herself, trying not to be overwhelmed by the intensity of it all.

  A long roll call of strangers was read out by one of the deans, but as he got to surnames beginning with Ds, Alex’s interest piqued as she looked intently at the stage, nervously excited to see Oscar pick up his diploma.

  “Oscar Deloitte, graduating in English Language and Literature,” the dean called into the microphone, but no eager gown-clad student made the brisk walk across the stage.

  “Oscar Deloitte,” the dean called again. The president waited with the rolled-up certificate in his hand, poised to be handed over. Still no one came onto the stage, Alex glanced along the line of waiting students, who appeared bemused by Oscar’s absence.

  Unfazed, the president handed the unclaimed certificate to a staff member behind him and waited for the next student from the extensively long list of names.

  Alex felt numb and powerless. Where was Oscar? She wanted to flee the ceremony and find him. How could he miss his own graduation? What was he thinking? She feared that he’d taken his desire to fight conformity too far. It meant everything to his parents to see him graduate. Like her own family, they knew the pain of loss, and it made them cherish moments like these more dearly.

  Alex’s panic turned to anger. She was mad at Oscar for not turning up, for not honoring his parents’ wishes in favor of staging some stupid protest. Seething, Alex ground her teeth. Oscar could really infuriate her sometimes. But she refused to let him ruin the ceremony for her. She was there to pick up her own diploma, and she’d do so smiling so that her mother could forever look back on the image and be proud.

  Later, after all the diplomas had been handed out and as the valedictorian made a speech about the importance of tomorrow, Alex could think of nothing but Oscar. She felt strangely hurt by his behavior. If he’d chosen not to attend, he should have at least told her as much. He’d gone to great lengths to appear to care; he’d even rented a cap and gown. Only the previous day Alex had been in his dorm room joking about in it, pretending it was a bat cape, and he’d berated her, saying to be careful as he’d have to return it after the ceremony. He appeared to be taking the whole graduation thing seriously, but then why hadn’t he turned up?

  “We’re graduates!” Ashley ran over to Alex once they were released from the auditorium and allowed to mill about outside for pictures. The girls hugged and giggled excitedly.

  “One step closer to world domination!” Ashley joked.

  “Yeah, exactly!” Alex smiled back but couldn’t hide her troubled feelings.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” In her peripheral vision Alex saw both sets of parents approaching them so knew she had to remain composed and happy.

  “Worried about Oscar?” Ashley guessed.

  “I just don’t get why he wouldn’t turn up,” Alex admitted.

  “It’s trademark Oscar, if you ask me.” Ashley sighed. “But if you’re worried, just give him a call. Put your mind at rest before we all go out for dinner.”

  “Yeah, you’re right.” Alex nodded. “Hey, Mom, can I have my cell phone for a moment?” Alex called to Jackie as she came over, Andy lagging behind with the camera that was already all used up.

  “I just need to call Oscar real quick.”

  “He wasn’t there, was he?” Jackie asked, concerned.

  “No, he wasn’t.”

  “Is everything all right?”

  “I think so, yeah, I just need to call him.”

  ****

  “Hello,” a male voice answered that Alex knew immediately wasn’t Oscar’s.

  “Where is Oscar?” she demanded angrily.

  “Alex, it’s Oscar’s dad, Terry. Oscar took an overdose and is in the hospital,” Terry Deloitte said gently, though his voice quivered with emotion.

  “I’ll be right there,” Alex managed to reply. She felt the world begin to crumble around her. She was in floods of tears by the time she hung up on the call.

  “Alex, is everything all right?” Jackie hurried over to her weeping daughter.

  “It’s Oscar.” Alex sobbed. “He’s in the hospital!”

  ****

  Alex managed to calm down during the drive over to the local hospital. Ashley’s father kindly drove both her and her mother there, a pained look of sadness etched across his face the entire time.

  “I’m sure he’ll be all right,” Jackie said soothingly.

  “Why would he do this to himself?” Alex said, quivering. “Why would he want to die?”

  “I don’t know, honey.” Jackie shook her head. “He must be a very troubled young man.”

  As they pulled in to the hospital parking lot, Alex noticed the flashing blue lights of the ambulance near the access to the emergency department and tried to block out flashbacks to the terrible night when her father had been shot. She hated seeing those flashing lights; they always meant that there was someone in trouble. She often imagined a young girl like herself witnessing something awful, desperately waiting for help to arrive.

  Oscar had been moved into a side room. His father was waiting for Alex outside as she all but ran down the corridor, still wearing her cap and gown and attracting a few bemused looks as she passed people by.

  “What happened?” she asked, her tone incessant.

  Terry Deloitte looked tired, more tired than she’d ever seen him look before. New lines had appeared in his already haggard face, and dark circles hung beneath his blue eyes that had probably once sparkled as his son’s did. Te
rry looked like a man who had weathered turbulent times.

  “We found him this morning in his dorm room,” Terry explained. Alex could see his eyes were red and raw, unable to cry any more tears.

  “This morning?” Alex was aware that it was now almost half past two in the afternoon.

  “We didn’t want to worry you,” Terry explained, sensing her unhappiness at not being told of the situation sooner.

  “It was your graduation day. We couldn’t let it be ruined,” Terry continued, glancing sadly into the room where Oscar lay on a bed while his mother watched anxiously over him.

  Alex wanted to scream that her day was completely ruined, that her graduation from Princeton would forever be tainted by Oscar’s suicide attempt, but her mother, who was in a more rational state of mind, spoke up before she had the chance.

  “We appreciate you thinking of Alex’s well-being at such a difficult time,” Jackie said, placing a hand on her daughter’s shoulder.

  “Graduation is a key milestone growing up.” Terry choked.

  Alex’s anger softened when she realized that Terry had now been denied the opportunity to see not one, but two of his children graduate.

  “Why would he do this?” Alex whispered, trying to understand her boyfriend’s motivations. “I thought that he was looking forward to graduating.”

  “So did we.” Terry sighed. “He invited us up and seemed so excited. We should have expected this would happen again.”

  “Again?” Alex queried.

  “He’s tried to commit suicide four times since…” Terry looked away sadly, not needing to tell Alex the moment he was referring to.

  “This would be the fifth attempt,” he said, looking intently at his son. “If he keeps it up, he risks being institutionalized.”

  “But Oscar isn’t crazy,” Alex quickly interjected.

  “We can’t risk him hurting himself.”

  “Can I go and see him?” Alex looked through the glass door, in at Oscar, who seemed unaware of her presence.

  Terry made eye contact with his wife and gestured to Alex. His wife looked at Alex, then at Oscar before nodding.

  “Just for a bit, he’s really drained,” Terry said.

  “I’ll wait right here,” Jackie whispered to Alex as she entered through the glass door, passing by Oscar’s mother, who was kindly vacating the room to give them some privacy.

  Oscar was looking out of the window on the far side of the room, watching distant trees dance in a phantom breeze. When he heard the door click, he looked up at Alex, but his expression remained blank.

  “Oscar.” Alex ran to his side and picked up his hand. He flinched as she did so. His hand was full of needles hooking him up to the monitoring devices.

  “Sorry.” Alex released his hand and backed away, not daring to touch him and cause further damage.

  “My lips are okay,” Oscar quipped, not having lost any of his bravado.

  “I’m not kissing you.”

  “Why not?” Oscar turned his head to face her, and the empty look fell away to a cheeky grin. He was paler than usual, his eyes deep and heavy in his head and no longer sparkling, but he retained his boyish charm.

  His hair seemed darker than normal against the white bedding. It was trussed up around his head like a macabre halo. His cheeks were shadowed with a faint stubble because he hadn’t had a chance to shave that day.

  “Oscar, I’m mad at you,” Alex said, though it was hard to be mad at someone in a hospital bed. He seemed so vulnerable, with all the machines whirring around him, wearing only a hospital gown and covered by a thin bed sheet. It made her uncomfortable to see him like that.

  “Mad at me?”

  “Yes, for trying to hurt yourself! Why would you do this! You scared the crap out of me and your parents.”

  Oscar looked down at the bed sheet sadly and refused to meet Alex’s gaze.

  “You tried to kill yourself,” Alex stated simply, though her voice was soft and comforting. “Why would you do that? Why would you want to leave me?” She could feel the warmth of tears running down her cheeks as she contemplated how she’d have felt if Oscar had been successful in taking his own life, if his parents had not walked in and found him when they did.

  “I’m so sore,” Oscar groaned his voice hoarse. “Pumping your stomach is a real killer.”

  “This is no time for jokes!”

  “Isn’t it?”

  “Oscar, what the hell is going on with you? I thought you wanted to graduate!” Alex raised her voice slightly but was careful not to be too loud, not wanting to alarm Oscar’s already frazzled parents.

  “I do, I did…” Oscar shrugged and then shook his head.

  “I love you, and I’m worried about you,” Alex said, taking his hand once more but gently this time. She pulled a chair close so that she could sit beside him. Oscar finally looked up to meet her gaze; he looked exhausted.

  “I just couldn’t shut the feelings out,” Oscar said softly. “The feelings that it shouldn’t be me, that I should have died that day.”

  “But it was an accident; you can’t go on torturing yourself like this forever.”

  “I can’t make it stop. The pain is always there.” Oscar sealed his eyes shut as though currently being engulfed by a wave of pain.

  “But it will get better,” Alex said, knowing from experience that her own pain over her father’s death had dulled over the years. While is still retained the potency to blindside her on occasion; if she saw a man who looked like him or smelt the familiar scent of his cologne, she’d feel like she’d been winded. But those experiences were becoming less and less regular, and time had performed its wondrous miracle and begun to heal her heart, just as everyone had said it would when she’d felt the world darken and close in on her in the wake of the murder.

  “It doesn’t,” Oscar said bluntly.

  “Your dad said that this has happened before.” Alex frowned with concern.

  “My dad says a lot of things,” Oscar retorted bitterly.

  “You need help, Oscar. You can’t keep trying to kill yourself.”

  “And if I don’t get help, then what, you’ll leave?” Oscar’s expression soured as his tone became hostile.

  “No, of course I won’t leave you!”

  “But you’re already leaving me. You’re heading off to New York, not caring what happens to me.”

  “Of course I care!” Alex protested.

  “No, you don’t.”

  “Oscar, I need to live my life. I know you don’t like thinking about the future, but I do. I have big plans for myself, and I’d like them to include you if you can stop closing yourself off from me.” Alex gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, but he wriggled loose from her grip and pulled away.

  “Go enjoy New York,” Oscar said coldly.

  “Not without you.”

  “I’m going to be stuck in here for a while. My dad thinks I can’t hear what’s said outside that door, but it’s my mind that’s fucked not my hearing.”

  “He’s just worried about you and trying to do what’s best.”

  “Mmm.” Oscar wasn’t convinced.

  “Don’t you want to move forward with your life?” Alex asked earnestly. “Don’t you want to go on to great things instead of dwelling in the past?”

  “No,” Oscar immediately answered. “No, I don’t want to move forward because moving forward means forgetting her. Each birthday that passes is just another year that separates us. One day she will be nothing more than a memory, and she deserves more than that.”

  “But she wouldn’t want you suffering like this.” Alex leant forward and stroked Oscar’s cheek; he was cold to the touch.

  “I deserve to suffer,” Oscar said from behind clenched teeth.

  “No, you don’t,” Alex answered decisively. “You deserve to be happy.”

  “That’s what you think.”

  “Oscar, it’s what I know. You are so smart and charismatic, you shouldn’t be wasting your li
fe to honor Olivia. You should be living it to the complete maximum, you should be pushing yourself each and every day, not sitting in a hospital room when you should be celebrating graduating.”

  Oscar was silent.

  “Promise me that you won’t do this again, because I can’t love someone who doesn’t love me back.”

  “I do love you,” Oscar quickly corrected her.

  “You can’t love me, or you wouldn’t risk leaving me,” Alex told him flatly. “I have big dreams for our future, Oscar, but they can’t come true unless you start believing in yourself—and in us.”

  Again Oscar was silent, contemplating what she was saying.

  “Can you get better, for us?” Alex asked gently.

  “Yes,” Oscar confirmed, his voice strong and purposeful. “For us I can.”

  ****

  “I’m so sorry your graduation day has been so stressful,” Jackie said as they sat and ordered dinner, finally having caught up with Ashley’s family.

  “It’s not your fault, Mom.” Alex gazed idly at the menu, though she had no appetite.

  “I know you wanted to stay at the hospital with Oscar, but you deserve to come out and celebrate. This is still your day, and you’ve achieved so much.” Jackie put an arm around her daughter and kissed her forehead.

  “I don’t feel like celebrating.” Alex sighed, unable to take her mind off Oscar.

  “Well, I will celebrate on your behalf.” Jackie smiled.

  “She means get drunk.” Andy laughed from the opposite side of the table.

  “It’s going to be okay,” Jackie told her daughter, hating to see her look so despondent on what should have been a joyous occasion.

  “Is it?”

  “I know that you love Oscar, honey, but do you really think he’s the right guy for you? You’ve already been through so much pain; I’d hate to see you hurt anymore.”

  “He needs me, Mom,” Alex answered sharply.

  “Yes, but my concern as your mother is, do you need him?”

  ****