His Other Wife

by Umm Zakiyyah

  In her efforts to always be the “bigger person” and the “good Christian,” Janice kept her anger and bitterness tucked away deep inside of her, convinced that only the sinful and wicked grew angry and refused to forgive those who had hurt them. She was determined to behave as if the tragic event had never happened. To stay focused, she threw herself into helping others and reading uplifting feminist literature about empowering women, and she vowed to never allow anyone to wrong or abuse her again. I am better than them. I am better than the sinful and the wicked. I am walking with the Lord.

  The only sign that she had suffered anything that day was her insistence, at home and school and amongst friends, that she be called by her middle name Deanna instead of her first name Janice (But even that, she rationalized by telling herself that she liked the name Deanna more than Janice, but she gradually grew to prefer being called Deanna Janice). The only name that continued to give her anxiety and apprehension was the nickname Niecey.

  But dating remained a problem for Janice. During her senior year in high school, her mother paid for Janice to make weekly visits to a therapist who specialized in sexual trauma. The therapist coached Janice on getting comfortable with her body and told her she should feel free to date.

  “Don’t force yourself to be intimate with anyone,” the therapist told her. “But don’t force yourself to resist either. Listen to your body, and listen to your heart,” she advised. “During these times, it is your mind you will have to silence. Your psyche has recorded the trauma, so it will do everything it can to protect you from letting it happen again. But when you know you are safe, silence your mind, relax, and listen to what your body and heart are telling you.”

  Janice took these words to heart, as she did the therapist’s advice to ignore the “misogynistic messages” about the shamefulness of the woman’s body and the dirtiness of sex. You were born in sin, Janice had learned in the church. But even this the therapist advised Janice to cast aside for the purposes of healing. “That is a religious concept, not a practical one,” the therapist said. “You were born faultless,” the woman told Janice, “and you remain faultless unless you knowingly choose to harm yourself or others.”

  Incidentally, it was this concept that ultimately drew Janice to Islam. The Islamic concept of fitrah held that every person is born in a pure, faultless spiritual state with the natural inclination to live a life of obedience to God and worship of Him alone.

  However, at the time, Janice was focused on enjoying the prom after having been asked by one of the most popular young men in the school. On prom night, Janice followed the advice of her therapist and allowed herself to submit to safe intimacy. But she returned home feeling a mixture of triumph (because she had overcome her anxiety about sexual intimacy) and emptiness (because it didn’t seem to mean anything).

  Listen to your body, and listen to your heart, she had told herself. It wasn’t until months later that Janice realized the source of her hollowness. She had listened only to her body. Her heart had felt no love or connection with her prom date, so the physical intimacy had been merely a fulfillment of carnal desires, nothing more.

  In college, Janice left behind the confusing world of men and immersed herself in spiritual study and personal development. When she happened upon an explanation of Islam in a book she had checked out at the college library, her whole world seemed to fall back into place.

  But it wasn’t until Deanna saw Professor Jacob Bivens at an MSA event during her doctorate studies that her heart stirred in desire for a deep relationship with a man. When he had come to her apartment about six months after they’d met, it was the advice of her high school therapist that she followed when Jacob openly flirted with her. Listen to your body, and listen to your heart. It wasn’t until Deanna saw how guilt-ridden Jacob was that she realized, as a Muslim, she should have added the condition, Listen to your soul.

  However, Deanna found it difficult to feel guilty because, deep inside, she didn’t feel like she’d done anything wrong. The connection between her and Jacob wasn’t like anything she’d experienced before (though her only intimate experiences had been Bailey’s violent rape and the hollow, only vaguely fulfilling experience with her prom date). So she’d imagined that it was a sign from God that she felt whole and fulfilled with Jacob, without the least bit of fear, hesitation, or apprehension in giving herself to him. Nevertheless, upon careful reflection, she realized that she (and he) had indeed done something terribly wrong, thus prompting her proactive solution of getting married.

  When they got married, Deanna wasn’t entirely sure that she was pregnant. Many of the symptoms of pregnancy that she had read about in the waiting room of the clinic matched what she was feeling at the time. But she never went through with the actual pregnancy test. She had become overwhelmed with fear that she would lose Jacob if her pregnancy was unconfirmed. “Marriage isn’t a solution,” he’d told her, inciting in her a frenzied panic that she would lose the love of her life forever. “If anything, it’ll bring more problems.”

  “If you want something good to happen,” her mother often said, “you have to make it happen. Things don’t just fall into your lap.” And “make good happen” was what Deanna was determined to do when she’d called Jacob back a week after their phone conversation and a day after her clinic appointment and told him that her pregnancy test had come back positive. She wasn’t exactly lying, she’d rationalized. She might really be pregnant. Her bloating, nausea, and heightened emotional sensitivity were all the evidence she needed to convince herself that a life was indeed growing inside her.

  ***

  “But I don’t think you have to worry about her un-friending or blocking you or anything,” Reem said.

  Aliyah chuckled self-consciously. “Part of me wishes she would.”

  Reem smiled knowingly. “I felt the same after what happened to me. But I couldn’t bring myself to un-friend or block her myself.”

  Aliyah creased her forehead. “Why? You had every right to.”

  “I know. But it felt wrong. I felt I should be patient with her.” Reem seemed distracted by her thoughts for some time.

  “I didn’t always teach Qur’an,” she said finally. “I didn’t always read Qur’an. When I was a teenager, I was really rebellious and bad-tempered.”

  A perplexed smile formed at Aliyah’s lips. “I can’t picture that.”

  “Well, I can,” Reem said sadly. “Sometimes I’m surprised I’m still alive.”

  Aliyah’s eyebrows rose. “Still alive?”

  Reem looked like she wanted to say more but withheld. “You know, Deanna wasn’t totally wrong in what she said to me,” Reem said finally. “We have a lot of problems in our country.”

  “Doesn’t everybody?”

  “Yes, but we take things overboard, especially when it comes to our lineage and tribes. But racism and nationalism are only half the issue,” Reem said. “One thing I like about Americans is how honest you all are about your problems.”

  Aliyah averted her gaze, recalling her reluctance to open up to Reem.

  ***

  Women are like horses, Deanna had read on a crude relationship blog shortly after she got married. They are beasts running wild and showing off their beauty and prowess to the world, but with no one to really appreciate it. They have no idea where they’re going or what they want until a man corners and captures them. It is only after a man tames and breaks them that they realize their full potential and worth. Then they spend the rest of their lives getting full satisfaction from being at a man’s disposal. So they continuously serve him and await instructions on how to fulfill his needs.

  Deanna’s stomach convulsed so severely after reading those words that she was huddled in a corner crying with her arms clutched over her stomach when Jacob came home from work. That was when she told Jacob the story of what her cousin Bailey had done to her when she was only eight years old.

  “He broke me. He broke me,” she kept moaning over and ov
er as she rocked back and forth. “But I forgive him,” she said finally, abruptly halting her rocking as she wiped her eyes and cheeks. A wide smile spread on her face before she said, “But I am better than him. I am better than the sinful and the wicked. I am walking with the Lord.”

  Mortified for having allowed herself to sink to the level of self-incrimination, Deanna vowed to always remain positive, proactive, and optimistic no matter what happened in her life or marriage. She made a promise to herself to always be the loving, confident, and sensually-satisfying wife that she’d read about in relationship books about how to maintain a long, happy, healthy marriage.

  Upon reflecting on her own trauma and that of her aunt, Deanna became convinced that episodes like the one she’d suffered and deep depression like her aunt suffered were preventable. Thus, Deanna went on a mission to find preventative solutions to anger and depression, to seeking revenge, and to suffering rape or abuse.

  Through her own personal determination to avoid giving in to weakness, rage, and depression, Deanna eventually came to despise the concept of the passive, helpless, abused woman. As early as high school, she viewed sad and dejected women with distaste. But she was determined to be a source of help to them whenever possible.

  By graduate school, she loathed any theory or expert opinion that allowed women to waddle in melancholic grief over what could or should have been. We are not helpless victims in a male-dominated world, she wrote in her personal journal. We are better than chauvinistic men. We are better than the sinful and the wicked. We are walking with the Lord.

  Deanna continually maintained that women had much more power than they realized, a message she couldn’t seem to get across to her best friend, Aliyah, who stupidly imagined that there wasn’t much she could do to improve her circumstances, particularly regarding her estranged family. “But you can empower yourself,” she kept telling Aliyah. “We all have the ability to take control of our lives, circumstances, and marriages.”

  In her doctorate thesis, Deanna argued that a combination of authentic spirituality, confidence in oneself, and personal assertiveness (as well as knowledge of empirical evidence on the characteristics of generally happy couples in long-term relationships) equipped women with all they needed to protect themselves from harm, abuse, retaliation, depression, and divorce.

  “It sounds like your thesis suggests that women should live in a constant state of suppression and denial,” one of the professors said during the question-and-answer session of Deanna’s first doctorate defense. “Evidence shows that this forced-happiness approach is merely a form of denial,” the professor said. “And this leads to repressed anger, passive aggressiveness, or imagined grandiosity that makes people susceptible to narcissism and ultimately narcissistic personality disorder.”

  “They’re just upset that I’m uncovering this groundbreaking research, and not them,” Deanna had told Jacob. “I’m not going to let their jealousy deter me. There are too many women out there who’ve given up on themselves after suffering things like what my aunt and I went through. I’m determined to prove these arrogant so-called experts wrong.”

  ***

  “My family moved to America while I was still a child,” Reem told Aliyah. “But the way we lived, we may as well have lived in the deserts of Arabia. Until middle school, I went to private Muslim schools, mostly with other Arabs, so I didn’t really get exposed to American culture until high school. But I think the culture shock was too much for me.”

  “Is that why you rebelled?” Aliyah asked.

  “No,” Reem said. “But it’s when I rebelled. A lot of things happened to me when I was a child,” she said, her eyes distantly melancholic. “And I think it just got too much for me to keep holding inside. So I dyed my hair crazy colors. I wore a lot of dark make-up. I started smoking and drinking. And I kept company with a crowd I had no business being around.” She shrugged. “I know some Americans might not consider that really risky behavior, but for a girl from a so-called good Arab family, it was really over the top.”

  Aliyah nodded. “My parents would’ve considered that over the top too.”

  “I might be looking at the world from my vantage point,” Reem said thoughtfully, “but whenever I see someone like Deanna, it reminds me of myself during my rebellious stage. I wasn’t mean-spirited by nature; at least I don’t think I was. I just felt so pressured to be this perfect Arab girl that I couldn’t take it any more. My family was constantly comparing Arabs to Americans to show how we were better. Yet no one spoke about all the bad things we did behind closed doors.”

  A shadow of anger passed over Reem’s face. “It was almost like it was our Arab duty to have a double personality,” Reem said, voice tight in upset. “All that mattered was that we upheld our family’s honor and image. It didn’t matter who we were on the inside, or if we were suffering in silence about anything. So in the Arab-Muslim community, I acted like a meek, perfect Muslim girl. But at school, I was crying out for attention. I think I wanted somebody to see through all my rebellion and say, ‘I can tell something’s wrong with you. How can I help?’”

  ***

  “Be wary of the one who uses his victim status as a shield against critical thought, dissenting views, or self-correction,” Jacob’s father said during a discussion in which he explained to Jacob why the work of Dr. Joy Degruy on post-traumatic slave syndrome should be lauded as the most important American research of our time. “This victim mentality is fertile ground for oppression itself,” Jacob’s father said. “No people were able to oppress another except that they blocked all paths to critical thinking, dissent, and self-reproach.”

  It was these words that came to mind when Jacob pulled into the driveway of his home after returning from the brief visit to the office of Dr. Melanie Goldstein.

  Being positive is only good when you’re honest with yourself about the whole picture, he heard Melanie’s voice in his head. You have to take a long, hard look at the good and the bad, and the positive and the negative. Otherwise, you’re not being positive or optimistic. You’re being willfully blind. It’s like putting on blinders after you’ve already seen what’s in front of you, then wondering what you keep bumping into and why you keep getting hurt.

  It was true that during the rough spots in his marriage, Jacob often wondered what it was he kept bumping into and why he kept getting hurt. But he’d assumed this confusion was because he was the only one who ever believed there was a problem serious enough to be acknowledged, addressed, and fixed. Deanna’s optimism and nonchalance often left him wondering if maybe he was the only one struggling in the relationship.

  “I’m completely happy,” Deanna often told him.

  Then why do you keep insulting and undermining me? he wanted to ask. Why do you keep physically attacking me?

  When the confusion and frustration got the better of him, Jacob would remind himself of the heartbreaking story of Janice Michaels and how he and she had eventually crossed paths. Then his relationship with Deanna Janice Michaels (turned Bivens) began to make sense, and he, once again, would feel a sense of purpose in being by her side.

  Hurt people hurt people.

  Was it possible that years of Jacob being racked with confusion and guilt boiled down to this simple explanation?

  If so, who was the hurt person in the relationship? Jacob or Deanna?

  Or were they both?

  Chapter 10

  He Wants To Marry Her

  Never argue with a stupid person. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

  Aliyah did a double take then lifted one of the framed Mark Twain quotes from the store display. She turned the frame in her hand to see the price tag affixed to the back. Was $12.99, Now $4.99, the sticker said.

  “You need self-affirmation,” Reem had said a week ago when she visited Aliyah after seeing Aliyah’s response to Deanna’s Facebook status. “Perhaps you can write some notes to yourself in a journal,” she suggested. �
��Or maybe you can hang some inspirational quotes on your wall where you can see them every day.”

  Aliyah doubted that the “Never argue with a stupid person” quote counted as self-affirmation or as what her Qur’an teacher had in mind when she’d made the suggestion, but Aliyah found the quote inspirational nonetheless. Had Aliyah realized how futile it was to argue with Deanna, she probably would not have publicly humiliated herself. Deanna had always been a difficult friend and never took well to even the slightest criticism (despite her constantly dishing it out to others). So Aliyah should not have been surprised by Deanna’s public cockiness in not only deleting Aliyah’s comment, but in also continuing the character assassination thereafter. But a part of Aliyah had really believed that she could appeal to Deanna’s better senses. If nothing else could affect Deanna, then certainly reminders from Allah and the Prophet, peace be upon him, could. I mean, Aliyah had thought, who could argue with the Lord of the Worlds?

  “Anyone can,” Reem had told her. “In fact, that’s what most of us do every day. Of course, we don’t think of it like that. The technical term would be self-justification or rationalizing. But any way you look at it, when you’re doing wrong and you insist on it and attack those who correct you, you’re arguing with the Creator. But people use offensive terms and labels to shield themselves from rational thought,” Reem said. “And that’s what happened to you. Deanna and her friends basically called you a religious extremist so they didn’t have to self-reflect. And in my case, Deanna ended up calling me a Wahhabi.” Reem sighed and shook her head. “It’s annoying, I know. But it’s rare that you meet a person, Muslim or non-Muslim, who will leave off labels and name-calling and focus on basic right and wrong.”