Dirty Cowboy

by Alycia Taylor

  I went back to my parent’s home and spent another day in the silence of a house that had suddenly lost its hope. I sent Aunt Karen home, telling her she needed to go take care of her family and I would handle things here. She argued with me, but I knew she missed her family. I had been staying here instead of my apartment since that first night anyways. There was no reason for her to stay.

  I did three loads of laundry and cleaned the food from the funeral out of the refrigerator. That left it empty almost, so I went grocery shopping. We lived in a small town, so everywhere I went, people looked at me sadly. Some of them asked how my parents were doing and some of them offered condolences…and some only stared. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

  When I got back to the house, I made dinner for my mom. She cried and told me that I was amazing. She didn’t eat a bite. I left dinner in the microwave for my dad and heated it for him when he got home from work. He said, “Thanks buddy, that was real nice of you.” He didn’t eat it either.

  The only thing I saw that night that indicated just maybe they were moving towards beginning to heal was that my mom slept in her own room with my dad again, instead of Emma’s. After they went to bed I went into my sister’s room. I found a stack of photo albums and I lay on her bed and looked through them. I flipped through the, page after page of my sister’s pretty smiling face, watching her grow up again right there on the pages. There were a lot of photos of her and Alexa and it made me start thinking about her again. I wondered how she was doing and if this was getting any easier for her yet. I stretched out and thought about how nice it had been talking to her and being able to laugh and smile about the things we remembered about Emma, instead of so many tears. I fell asleep sometime in the early morning hours and that was how Mom found me the next day.

  “Ian honey? Are you okay?”

  I was startled and disoriented. I sat up and looked around and once again I had to remember that Emma was dead. It was always the worst time of day. I looked at my mom then, surprised to see that she was dressed and she’d done her hair. Besides the day of the funeral, it was the first day she’d done any of that since Emma died.

  “Hey, Mom. Yeah…I’m okay. Are you okay?”

  She actually smiled. It was a genuine smile and it made me remember how pretty she was. She reached over and touched my face and said, “Yeah baby. I’m doing okay today. I made you some breakfast. Why don’t you come out and eat it while it’s hot.”

  It suddenly felt strange to me for my mother to be herself again…almost. I got up and washed my face and went out to find she’d made me boiled eggs and turkey bacon and she had even juiced some vegetables for me and made me a drink. “Wow Mom, you didn’t have to do all of this.”

  “I know, but I needed to. You’ve been taking care of us all week. It’s time for me to remember that I’m still a mother.” I went over and hugged her. She hugged me back tight and said, “Things aren’t ever going to be the same, Ian…I’m sorry. But I’ll do my best to make sure they’re not always so weird.”

  I laughed and said, “Weird is what we do best around here anyways, isn’t it?”

  She poked me in the ribs and dried the tears that had started to spill again. “Eat your breakfast,” was all she said. I ate and watched her go through the motions of her day. I knew she was trying and that warmed my heart and made me feel sad at the same time. After breakfast I went for a run. When I got back, Mom had left a note for me that said Uncle Brian picked her up and she’d gone to Aunt Karen’s. My aunt probably worried that she’d wither away without someone to nag her into eating. That was good, now if we could just get my dad to take care of himself too. Mom’s note said she called dad already and she would be back in the morning. The house was even quieter then, just knowing I was alone with Emma’s memories. After I showered I finally sat down and called Alexa. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

  “Hi Alexa, it’s Ian.”

  “Hi. How are you?”

  “I’m hanging in there. What about you?”

  “I’m okay,” she said. She sounded sad still. “It comes in waves, you know. I start doing something normal and then I feel guilty because I think, “How can I just be going on with my life when Emma’s not here anymore?” It’s all just so weird.”

  “I feel you,” I told her. I told her about going to the gym and leaving before I did my work out and about feeling like I should cancel my fight.

  “No, don’t do that. Emma used to brag about you and your fights all the time. She thought it was really cool that you did that. I don’t think she would want you to cancel it.”

  “That’s what my aunt said. She really bragged about me?”

  Alexa laughed. I liked the sound of it. “Yeah, she said you were really good. She also said that you were a little bit crazy and getting your head knocked around probably didn’t help that any.”

  I laughed too. That sounded like my sister. “I was looking at some of her pictures last night. I found the album that she made that was all of the two of you. You had to be around a lot when you guys were kids. Why don’t I remember that?”

  “Maybe I’m just not that memorable,” she said.

  “I doubt that’s it,” I told her, honestly. So far, I was finding her very memorable. “Maybe I was just too wrapped up in my own stuff to watch my little sister grow up.”

  “Don’t do that, Ian. Don’t beat yourself up. She loved you. She knew that if she ever needed you, all she had to do was call.”

  “Well, I’m glad she knew that, but I wish I would have done things differently.”

  “We all do,” Alexa said. “I was supposed to go out with her that night. I wonder sometimes if things would have been different if I had gone…”

  “Now who needs to stop? You may have been with her when she crashed and two dead girls would not have made Emma’s death even easier.”

  “I guess so. I just hope she knew how much I loved her.”

  “I think, judging from all the photos I found last night of you and her together that it’s a safe bet she knew.”

  “I should have told her more.”

  “Yeah,” I said, “I should have too.” I suddenly had a thought. I really wanted to see her again and it sounded like she needed to get out of the house as much as I did. “Hey, what are you doing tomorrow night?”

  “Um…probably the same thing I’m doing tonight…making dinner for me and my dad and wishing I could turn back the clock a couple of weeks.”

  “Yeah, I know the feeling. I keep making dinner here, but no one eats it. My mom finally got up today and went to see spend the night at her sister’s house, but it was almost as hard to watch her try and “be normal” than not. My dad is working himself to death and I’m afraid to go back to my own apartment and leave them alone. But I am going to go through with the fight tomorrow. I’ve trained hard for it and it’s kind of an important one. My trainer says there will be some UFC scouts there. Why don’t you come watch me? Afterwards we can grab some dinner. Maybe it will do us both some good to just have a normal evening for a change.”

  “It definitely couldn’t hurt,” she said with a little laugh. “I’ve never been to a fight before.”

  “It’s fun. You’ll like it.”

  She laughed again and said, “Emma was right, you are a little crazy. You think it’s fun to get knocked around inside of a cage?”

  “Nope,” I told her. “But I won’t be getting knocked around. I’ll be winning.”

  Chapter Five

  Alexa

  The next morning for the first time since the day I woke up and found out that my best friend was dead; I woke up and actually felt alive. I also still felt guilty about having things to look forward to, when Emma never would again. I had to fight through that feeling every day anyways. I had no idea how long it would take me to come out the other side of that one. For today, I was looking forward to having dinner with Ian. So far, he was the only one that could make me laugh and keep the sadness at bay, if
only for a moment. I didn’t feel guilty about laughing with him, because we were sharing our memories of Emma. I have to admit that I did feel just a little bit guilty about being so attracted to him though.

  On the flip side, I wasn’t sure how to feel about the fight. There were days since Emma died that I’d wished I was a fighter. It might feel good to just hit something and release some of the anger that boiled inside of me. A few times I considered pounding my fist into the wall. So far, I’ve been able to talk myself out of it. It might feel good to watch someone else doing it though. I just prayed that he was as good as he said he was because I don’t think I can stand to watch him get hurt. There had been more than enough pain to go around lately and I didn’t know if I could take even a little bit more.

  I put that part out of my head while I was getting ready for the night. I told dad I was going and he was happy that I was getting out of the house, but a little bit concerned about the fight.

  “You’re going alone?” he said.

  “Well yeah, but Ian will be there, obviously.”

  “He’ll be busy….obviously. Some of the people who go to those fights get as aggressive in the stands as the fighters. I’m not sure I like the idea of you being there alone.”

  “Dad, Ian said my seat is close to the front, near the cage. I don’t think anyone will try anything but if they do, I promise to yell out for one of the officials, okay?”

  “But…”

  “I’m nineteen,” I told him.

  He had a sad look on his face and I know he was thinking about Emma as he said, “I know, I don’t like it.”

  I laughed and gave him a hug. “We can’t make me twelve again, but I promise I’ll be safe.”

  “Okay. Call if you need me.”

  “I will.”

  The fight started at six. By five-forty I was there, in my seat taking in my new surroundings. The fight was in a large warehouse looking place. It had been designed for this, I think. There were ticket booths in the front and the seating was comfortable and movie-theatre style. The place was packed with people of all ages, races and genders. I knew MMA was popular, but I’d never once considered going to a fight or even watching one on TV. I couldn’t figure out why anyone would want to do it.

  The atmosphere was loud and chaotic. It seemed like everyone was talking at once. Some of them were arguing about who would win and extolling the virtues of either Ian or his opponent Carlos “The bear,” but so far it seemed amiable on both sides. I was already glad I’d come. It was good to be around people that didn’t know anything about what we’d been through for a change. No sadness, no questions, no pitying looks. When it was time for the fight they announced the first fighter… Carlos “The Bear” Menezes. The Bear thing didn’t sound promising for Ian, but I’m sure they all give themselves names like that to sound tough.

  The crowd gave him a slight cheer as he made his way towards the cage. He didn’t look that scary to me…but he was a husky guy, maybe that’s why they called him “The Bear.” I wasn’t going to be locked in a cage with him either; maybe he would look scarier to me if that was the case. When they called Ian out, I noticed that the cheers were louder and went on longer. He looked confident as he made his way out with I’m assuming it was his trainer, following him. That guy looked like a tank.

  Ian took his place inside the cage and the referee called him and the other fighter to the center of the octagon. He gave them a rundown of the rules, talking so fast that he sounded like an auctioneer. I liked the way he held his head high and his shoulders straight. He looked the ref and his opponent right in the eye and if he was scared at all, it didn’t show. The ref sent them back and after a few seconds, the first bell rang.

  Ian was fast. He told me he was good, but he hadn’t mentioned that he moved like lightning. He blew out into the middle of the octagon and as soon as his opponent was within reach he started firing off shots. He was hitting the guy with his right hand over and over with different punches and then he switched to his left and started pounding the guy’s body. The Bear got off a punch or two that connected but because Ian was moving so quickly and he was working so hard to protect himself, they were kind of weak.

  After a bit I saw The Bear crouch down like he was ducking a blow, but he was actually diving for Ian’s legs. Ian was too fast for him and not only moved out of the way, but threw a punch at the same time that landed underneath his opponents chin and caused his head to snap back and him to stumble and almost lose his balance. I don’t know anything about cage fighting but I could tell that Ian wanted this guy to stay on his feet because right then he had every opportunity to take him down and he didn’t. He backed off until his opponent had his balance back and then he moved in with another crazy series of blows. It was a right and a left and the two rights and two lefts and another right. The just when his opponent thought he knew what was coming next; Ian spun around and kicked him in the side with his left foot. The crowd was going crazy.

  The Bear had stumbled way back that time but he recovered quickly and tried charging at Ian. Ian weaved over to the side and the other man missed him but it left Ian with his back against the mesh of the octagon and his opponent right back on him quickly. He had his legs pressed against Ian’s, holding him tight against the mesh as he wrapped his arms around Ian’s shoulders and tried to take him down. As he pulled down, Ian shot his hand up and caught the other man on the chin. It just seemed to stun him, but it was enough to give the advantage back to Ian and suddenly he had his opponent up against the mesh instead.

  The Bear caught him with an elbow to the side of his face, but Ian shook that off and started throwing punches until the bell rang and saved the other man from his wrath. I wondered how much of Ian’s energy tonight was the pent up anger he had over losing Emma. He seemed to be completely focused and judging by the roar of the crowd, he was winning. It took two more rounds for him to convince his opponent to tap out but when it was over I had to say I was really impressed. And I hated to admit it, but watching the fight had done wonders for my own feelings of aggression.

  Ian smiled at me as he left the octagon and mouthed, “I’ll be right back.” I waited for about twenty minutes and when he came back his black hair was wet like he’d just gotten out of the shower and he was dressed in a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved blue t-shirt. Looking at him gave me a little flutter in the pit of my stomach. I had to wonder why I’d never noticed just how good-looking he really is. Maybe it was because he looked so much like Emma. Was that creepy to lust after someone who looked just like your best friend? Maybe.

  “Hey,” he said with a very nice smile. The fight must have given him back the endorphins he hadn’t had since his sister died.

  “Hey, that was really something,” I told him. “You are really good…and crazy fast.”

  “Thanks,” He said, looking pleased that I thought so. “Being fast protects my pretty face,” he said with a grin. “I’m glad you came.”

  “So am I.”

  “Are you ready to go eat?”

  “Yeah.” We walked out to the parking lot and he said he would leave his car and get it later if I didn’t mind driving. I didn’t mind, it actually made me feel better because all of a sudden I was nervous and needed something to do with my hands. I don’t know why I was nervous; it wasn’t like I thought of this as a real date or anything…it just felt weird to be out with Emma’s brother.

  “Do you like Italian food?” he asked as we drove out of the lot.

  “Love it.”

  “Good, how about Tony’s?”

  “I love that place,” I told him honestly. It was nice, without being fancy and the food was delicious. I headed to Tony’s and as I drove, I could feel his eyes on my profile. I figured he was feeling a little unsettled about this too so I said, “This is kind of weird, huh?”

  “I was thinking it was nice. It’s just good to be out doing something normal for a change. The fight felt good…helped me work through some of my anger. Do
you feel weird here with me?”

  I pulled the car into the restaurant parking lot. I sat there for a second and watched the happy people going in and out and then I finally said, “No, it’s not about being here with you. Everything just seems weird to me lately.”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean,” he said. “It feels weird to enjoy anything…like it’s being disrespectful to Emma.”

  “Right.”

  “My aunt says that Emma would have hated that.”

  “I think your aunt is right. I’m just not sure how to shake it.”

  “One day at a time, I guess,” he said. “You ready?”

  I nodded and we got out of the car. He held the door open for me and when his hand brushed lightly against the small of my back, I shivered. Damn it, Alexa! This is not a freaking date!

  We were seated right away and Ian…probably out of respect for the fact I wasn’t legal to drink, ordered himself an iced tea. I ordered the same and when the waiter left, we both looked at the menu. “Emma loved this place,” I said.

  He looked up at me and said, “Yeah, I know. Every year for her family birthday dinner we had to come here. She’d have the meatball sandwich with extra cheese and the tiramisu for dessert. I used to give her a hard time because she wouldn’t try anything new when it came to food. She liked what she liked.”

  “True and most of what she liked was packed with calories and sugar. I never did figure out how she ate like that and stayed so thin. I was so envious of her about so many things. I used to feel guilty about that, but it didn’t affect our relationship. I still loved her. She was one of those people that no matter how much you envied their beauty, you still had to love them.”