Dirty Cowboy

by Alycia Taylor

  He put his arm around me and I looked up at the obsidian sky dotted here and there with the twinkling of the stars. “It’s beautiful,” I said. When I was a little girl I used to think if I could get up high enough, I could touch one. Tonight they looked really far away. I looked to the right of us, out across the rooftops of the rest of the abandoned buildings and saw the distant flash of a shooting star, or maybe it was just the lights of a car reflected just right. I made a wish anyways, just to be sure.

  I felt Paul’s lips against the side of my head and I was surprised when he said, “One of these days, Jessie…I’m not going to have to live like this. I’m going to be a champion and I’ll have all kinds of money and I’ll be able to pay people to watch my family around the clock and keep them safe.”

  I leaned my head back into his shoulder and said, “I believe you will.”

  “Good,” he said, “Because when that future happens for me, I’d really like you to be a part of it.” I didn’t say anything to that. I didn’t have to. I’m sure like me, he could feel it. I would live with

  him in this abandoned building if I had to. I definitely wanted to be a part of his future, whatever that future might hold.

  Chapter Six

  I woke up to the sound of rain. I forgot where I had fallen asleep until my hearing wasn’t the only sense assaulted by it. I suddenly realized that I could feel it as it dropped onto my face and rolled off me, dripping onto the heavy aluminum roof that Paul and I had fallen asleep on the night before. I opened my eyes, unable to really tell what time it was because the cloud cover caused everything around us to remain dark. The rain was only a light drizzle right now, but a large black cloud was looming nearby and I knew we’d be drenched if we didn’t get back inside.

  “Hey sleepyhead, wake up. We’re getting rained on.”

  Paul turned over onto his back and then groaned when he felt the harsh metal underneath him.

  Opening one eye he said, “It’s raining?” Before I answered him a big drop landed right on his cheek. He sat up and laughed. “Yeah, I guess it is. Come on, let’s go inside.”

  I followed him back down the ladder into the old gym. I could hear Victor’s voice as we dropped to the floor. “Uncle Paul! Did you guys sleep on the roof?”

  He looked towards the other room where his sister was and put his finger to his lips. Marie must be one of those mother’s with x-ray vision because she said, “It’s too late now, Paul. Now what are you going to tell him next time he wants to sleep up there?” Paul rolled his eyes and Victor snickered.

  “You got me in trouble again you little creep,” he said. He pushed Victor playfully and Victor pushed him back. I had to step out of the way to keep from getting in the middle of their pretend tussle.

  “Boys!” Marie called again from the other room.

  “We weren’t doing anything,” Victor hollered back.

  “Yeah, it was Jessie,” Paul said with a grin.

  I popped him on the back of the head which thoroughly amused Victor. Paul picked him back up and carried him upside down into the other room. Marie sighed and shook her head, but I could tell she wasn’t really mad at them. Paul was so good with him and Victor so obviously loved him that she couldn’t be.

  I was surprised to see eggs and bacon and hash browns on the table. I hadn’t noticed the cook-stove top the night before or the microwave. I wondered how you got electricity to an abandoned building. I was going to ask but then I remembered the gentle humming I’d heard the night before when we were on the roof. It must be run on a generator, probably gas-powered.

  Breakfast was surprisingly good and while I watched Paul and Victor play and tease back and forth, I let myself fleetingly fantasize about our future kids and what a great father he would be. I smiled to myself when I thought about how good-looking they would be too.

  “Are you staying today, Jessie?” Victor asked me while we were cleaning up. “Mom and I are going for a walk down by the old lake. It’s really cool down there. Nobody ever goes there so there are all kinds of neat old junk to find.”

  Marie smiled at him and said, “Yes, we have boxes of it in the next room.”

  “I’d like to, Victor but I have to work this afternoon. Maybe another time?”

  “Okay,” he said. He started to leave the room and Paul grabbed his sister around the neck with his arm playfully and said, “Quick Victor…get a box! I found some neat, old junk!”

  Marie casually elbowed him in the ribs. Paul doubled over and Victor laughed. It was cute how they all are with each other. Being with them really made me wish I had a sibling or two.

  “I’ll take you back to town today, if that’s okay. I wanted to hit the gym for a while.”

  “Sure, you think it’s safe?”

  “I’ll be careful,” he said. Looking at Marie he asked, “You don’t mind do you?”

  “Nope. Me and the boy are going junk-collecting. We’ll be fine.”

  After I said good-bye to Marie and Victor Paul and I started our walk back to the Chinese Restaurant. I was completely shocked when we got there and his pick-up was gone and a small white two-door Ford car was in its place. I could actually feel the panic in my chest before he noticed the look on my face and said, “It’s okay. My Sensei trades my car every few days. That way if Mitch does try following me, we’ve mixed it up a little.”

  “That’s really nice of him.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know what we would have done without him,” he said, unlocking the car and opening the door for me. After I got in he went around to the other side.

  When he got in and started up the car I said, “Thank you for letting me come out. I had fun.”

  He smiled and said, “I meant what I said last night, it won’t always be like this.”

  “I know,” I told him again. “I like seeing you with Marie and Victor. I always wished I had a brother. You’re so good with your nephew too. One of these days you’re going to be a really good father.” Paul slammed on the brakes. If I hadn’t had my seatbelt on my head would have gone right through the windshield. “What the hell was that?” I said.

  He looked mad as he said, “Sorry, touchy brakes. I’m not used to this car.” We drove on for a while in silence. He seemed like he was brooding over something all of a sudden.

  “Paul…did I say something to piss you off or what?”

  “No.”

  We drove along again in silence for another ten minutes before I said, “Obviously I did. Why not just tell me…”

  He hit the brakes again, this time pulling off the side of the road. He put the car in park and said, “It’s not your fault, but I don’t like it when people tell me I’m going to be a good father.”

  “Why?” I couldn’t fathom how that could be anything but a compliment. He acted like he didn’t hear me at first. He put the car back in gear and pulled back out onto the road. After a bit I said, “Paul? Why?”

  “Because I was a father. A horrible one. The worst kind. My son died on my watch.” He said that all through gritted teeth. I felt like I had walked into a nightmare. What the hell? He had a son?

  “You were a father? When did this happen? Where is his mother?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it, Jessie.”

  “But…”

  “God damn it, Jessie! Are you fucking hard of hearing? I don’t want to fucking talk about it!”

  I wasn’t hard of hearing. I sat there quietly in shock wondering if I had a sign carved into my forehead that said, “Messed up guys wanted,” or “The more screwed up the better.” I was in a big enough mess trying to have a relationship with a guy who followed his sister around to keep her safe and lived in an abandoned gym. Now I find out he had a son…who died? What the hell is wrong with me? How is it possible that I attract nothing but men with demons and souls that need to be mended? I couldn’t fix the last one…chances are that I can’t fix this one either.

  When we got to my apartment, I got out of the car thinking he was ju
st going to leave. I was wrong. He followed me in, neither one of us talking still. It was like déjà vu when I stepped in the door. I knew something was wrong.

  Paul was looking around at the walls as I called out, “Mom?” I was met with nothing but silence.

  “What happened to your walls?”

  “My mother painted them,” I said, simply. I was still mad at him for yelling at me. I think if he wants to talk about having any kind of future with me, finding out what happened to his kid and the kid’s mother were legitimate questions. I started going room to room, calling out for her. It was ridiculous; the whole place was only twelve-hundred square feet. If she was there, she would have answered me. The problem was my worst nightmare since I’d been a teenager was finding her dead from an overdose…or worse.

  “You can get back to Marie and Victor,” I told Paul. “I have to find my mother.”

  “No, they’re okay. I’ll go with you. Do you know where to look?”

  “I left her at the Baptist Church on Seventh Street last night before I came to see you. It doesn’t look like she’s been home all night.”

  “Okay, let’s start there.” I was grateful to him for volunteering and I was really too panicked to drive right then. I followed him back out to the car and we rode in silence again. I felt sick to my stomach. What if something happened to her while she tried to make her way home last night? I should have waited for her. Why was I so selfish?

  When we got to the church I jumped out and went straight to the place where the meeting had been the night before. The door was locked.

  “Jessie, the office is over here.” I followed Paul over to another door and he knocked on it. Mike, the guy who had led the group the night before answered the door. I thought I’d been shocked all I could be lately. But when Mike pulled open the door and saw Paul his face lit up and he said, “Hey Paul! How are you?”

  “Hi Mike. I’m okay. Jessie here is looking for her mom.”

  Once again…What the hell? I didn’t have time to worry about it right now though so I tucked it away for later. “My mom came to the NA meeting last night. She’s about forty, looks a lot like me. Her name is Lynn…” Mike was still looking at me with a neutral expression. “Listen, I’m not trying to make you break any kind of confidentiality. I’m just really worried about her. I dropped her off last night and she never made it home.”

  “I remember Lynn,” he said. “She was here, for the entire meeting. She even participated a little. She left when it was over though, Jessie. I haven’t seen her since.”

  “Shit! Damn! I’m sorry. I forgot this was a church.”

  “It’s okay. Do you have any other ideas where to look for her? Did you call her friends?” I felt tears stinging the corners of my eyes. She doesn’t have any friends, at least none that I knew. If I could find them, I doubt they would be in the condition to tell me anything.

  “I’ll call around,” I told him. “Thank you.” I heard my voice crack and I got out of there. I didn’t want to cry in front of a stranger. I didn’t want to cry in front of Paul for that matter.

  “Maybe she went to stay with a friend?” Paul said as we walked out to the car.

  “You don’t understand. If that’s the case, she’s still not in a good place. I made her feel bad about herself yesterday and then I abandoned her here. I should have stayed and taken her home. What if something happened to her? What if she’s not in a safe place? It’s going to be my fault.” Paul didn’t say anything else as we got back into the car. I took out my phone and started looking up and calling homeless shelters. There were only three in the city that were staffed during the day. They all told me that they didn’t take names on the people that stayed there, but when I described her they said her description didn’t sound familiar.

  I started calling all the crappy motels close by next. Paul just sat there watching me. His eyes looked sad and concerned.

  He waited for me to exhaust myself with phone calls that led nowhere before starting the car and saying, “I’m going to drop you at home.”

  I just looked at him. That was fine. He couldn’t be bothered to stick by me when it was my family in trouble then that was just fine.

  When we got to my apartment he said, “I want you to stay here where you’re safe. Make some more phone calls. Maybe she’ll come home while you’re here. I know some places in the city where the druggies hang out. I’m going to check them out and I’ll be back.”

  The only part of that sentence I actually heard was “druggie.” Did he actually just call my mother a “druggie?” What the fuck? I didn’t say a word. I just got out of the car and slammed the door. This was too much for me right now. I needed to find my mother.

  Chapter Seven

  I unlocked the door, slammed into my apartment and threw my purse and keys across the room as I did. How dare Paul call my mother a druggie? He didn’t know her. Hell…he barely knew me. We barely knew each other. I had told him just a little bit about Mom the night he had dinner here, but I never used that word… “Druggie.” To me it would have been comparable to him calling her a bitch. It’s a derogatory term and not one I want to be banded about when someone’s talking about my mother. You just don’t go around calling people’s mothers names. Why doesn’t he know that? Besides, he heard me say she went to an NA meeting, so obviously he was trying. Was he one of those kinds of guys who couldn’t give a person a break? No second chances for anyone unless they were in his family and then the second chances ran amok. How dare he come from where he does and judge my mother! He was so obviously not perfect…so obviously not raised in a perfect home to begin with. Damn him!

  I walked over to pick up my keys and caught sight of the wall out of the corner of my eye. I sat down on the couch and looked at it. It was a forest. The leaves were both light and dark green like shadows were being cast across them and the little stream that ran through them looked real enough to take a drink out of. The rocks were tan and gray and the water formed bubbles around them. The path through the trees looked like it led into a place where there was light. The sky wasn’t visible because the umbrella of trees blocked it out. It looked peaceful and I’d be willing to bet that my mother had painted it because it was a place she wanted to be…at peace for a change. I know she doesn’t want to live like this…she just doesn’t know how to live any other way. When we find her I’m going to make sure she knows I will be here to help her, always. She doesn’t have to live like this. I can help her get better.

  I couldn’t sit still. I got up and paced and then I decided to make some more phone calls. I looked up the number for the guy “Tyler” that she’d been living with before she came to live with me and I called him.

  When he answered I said, “Hi Tyler. This is Jessie, I’m Lynn’s daughter.”

  For a second, I thought he’d hung up. Finally, he said, “Yeah, um…Lynn’s not here…”

  “I know. She was here, staying with me…I think she’s using again and she’s gone off missing and I’m worried. Would you have any idea where I might look for her?”

  “Not really. The bar I used to play music at was one of her favorite places. It’s called “Sequoia Club.” You might want to call there and see if anyone has seen her.”

  “Okay, I’ll try that. Hey Tyler…”

  “Yeah?”

  “Was she using drugs, when she was with you?”

  “No. She went to that rehab over in Whittier. She was clean after that as far as I knew…at least six months,” he said.

  That was what she had told me. She had been clean for over half a year. This was just a slip-up, not even enough to be classified as a relapse. We could get her back on the right track again.

  “Thank you, Tyler.”

  “Sure.” He hung up. Whatever my mother had done to him, she’d burnt her bridge. It was obvious in his voice. I couldn’t hold that against him though, I’m her daughter and look at the things she’d done to me. Rationally I know I should walk away. Emotionally, I ca
n’t.

  I looked up the number for that bar he told me about and I called it. A woman named Wanda answered. I told her who I was and said, “I’m looking for my mother Lynn. She used to come in with Tyler Grant…a red-haired lady, green eyes…”

  “I know Lynn. She ain’t been here in about a week though, honey.”

  “Okay, thanks. Wouldn’t you have any idea where else I might look?”

  “I really don’t, sweetie. But I have your number on caller ID here. If I see her or hear anything I’ll call you. Is she okay?”

  “I’m sure she is,” I lied. In my head I was thinking of all kinds of horrifying scenarios. “Thank you,” I said. I called a couple more motels. They all claimed to not see her. But they were cheap, creepy motels and the type of clientele that frequented it liked to keep a low profile. I was even more frustrated when I hung up. I didn’t want to, but I finally decided I was going to bite the big bullet and call Justin. If someone was selling her drugs, I was pretty sure it was him. I’d rather pull out my own molars with a pair of rusty pliers than talk to him, but I had to find her. I was pacing the floor as I made my phone calls and as I was about to punch in Justin’s number I walked past the window. There was a police car out in front. Shit! I put the phone down and trying not to stand right in the window where he could see me I took another look. There was a man in it…a big man. It was Mitch, I was sure of it. Fuck! What does he want from me now?

  While I was pondering that, Mitch was apparently getting out of the car and coming up to my door. I heard him knocking. I should have been afraid, but I wasn’t. I was too pissed at the world. Mom for disappearing and making me worry…Paul for…a lot of things…and Mitch for just basically being an asshole.

  I pulled the door open and said, “What?” Then, without giving him a chance to answer I said, “I don’t have time for your shit today. I don’t know when the hell you ever have time for real police work. You’re always so busy stalking people you big freak! Leave me alone. I have my own problems.”