by Nicole Hart
“Are you ok?” Ryker pulled his lips away from mine and stared at me. I could see his beautiful grey eyes in the moonlight. The look of concern on his face was a buzz kill. I didn’t want him to worry about me. I was fine. I think, anyway.
“I’m ok,” I said, trying to sound confident, but it sounded anything but that. My voice was squeaky and actually cracked.
“We can stop,” he said as he rubbed his finger down my nose.
“I’m ok,” I repeated as I rubbed my hand against his bare back, but my damn fingers were shaking so bad.
“Nat?” he said as he rubbed his nose against mine.
“Yeah?” I mouthed in a whisper.
“Um . . . have you ever . . . are you um . . .” he stammered.
“Yes,” I whispered and closed my eyes, putting my forehead against his shoulder.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, Natalie,” Ryker said, and then gave me a soft peck on the temple. “Look at me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” he said as he kissed my lips, but the passion from moments earlier was gone. Stupid virgin shake.
“But I want to do this,” I said quietly, and then bit my lower lip to keep it from trembling. My words weren’t very convincing. Great, just what he wanted to see, a crying virgin.
“We will, just not tonight,” he said as he kissed me gently, and lifted his body off of me. I wanted to cry. But I wouldn’t.
DO. NOT. CRY.
“But I’m leaving in the morning.” I wanted to do this, but I wasn’t going to beg him to have sex with me. This was getting embarrassing.
“I promise you, this isn’t our last night together. But I would feel like an asshole if I took your virginity tonight and had to leave in the morning. Just trust me, ok?” he said.
“Ok, you’re not mad?” I asked, worried. I was only two years younger than Ryker, but in this moment, I worried that he saw me as a naïve little girl.
“Of course not, just gives me something else to look forward to,” he said as he lay on his back and pulled me against his chest.
“Promise?” I asked as I propped my chin on his chest, and looked up at him.
“I promise. I also promise that this isn’t the last of us being together,” he said as he pulled me on top of him and kissed me.
“And I never break my promises, got it?” he whispered as a smile spread across his face. That dimple alone made my stomach do a little flip.
“Got it,” I said, and kissed his cheek.
I’m a fucking stalker
12 years later
I knew it had to be her. From the moment I heard that laugh, I knew it was her. I didn’t know how to approach her after all this time, so I watched her from a distance, like a fucking stalker.
What the fuck was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just go over to her? Did she hate me? Did she even remember me? I hadn’t spoken to this woman in twelve years, and she had my emotions so twisted I couldn’t function. Women didn’t make me nervous. Nothing did. But she was different. Damn it.
This was the third Saturday in a row that I’ve watched her. She always came to the same spot on the beach. She had a little girl with her. She was probably married. We were kids back then. Stupid kids. I should walk away. I should stop coming here. I should forget her. But I couldn’t.
Damn, she was fucking stunning. She was beautiful as a girl, but now, now she was a knock out. She was perfection. The way her nose crinkled up when she laughed. Fuck, just staring at her gave me a nervous feeling in my stomach. Sort of like how I felt before a fight, which didn’t make a damn bit of sense, but that’s all I could compare it to.
Even after all these years, no other woman had affected me this way. Quit being a pussy and just go over there.
Fuck it.
I climbed off my bike and started walking down the pathway to her. My boots were heavy as they trudged through the sand, which made my walk a little slower. Which also gave my brain time to tell me to turn around. I stopped and stared at her again. If someone was watching me, they would think I was some psycho. Damn. Keep walking. I tried to keep my eyes off of her and focus on the waves crashing in. It helped a little. And there I was, at the edge of the water, in my work jeans, with a hole blown out of the knee and my steel toe boots. I stuck out like a sore thumb. There was no blending in here. I just crossed my arms over my chest and tried to focus on the water, trying to figure out what I was going to say, how to approach her.
That’s when I felt it. She was staring at me. She wasn’t moving, but I could feel her eyes on me. It instantly took me back to spring break. I would always catch her staring at me, not because I would see it first, but because I could feel it. I felt her before I ever touched her. My eyes looked in her direction, not because I wanted her to see me, but because I was drawn to her. She turned her head quickly and put her focus back on the little girl, who was playing in the wet sand at the edge of the water. But my eyes were already fixed on her. She was so beautiful, the way her long brown hair blew in the wind. She kept running her fingers through it, trying to control it. She was wearing a light pink tank top and white shorts. They weren’t too short, and her tan legs were fucking amazing. My eyes made their way down to her bright pink toe nails. She was staring at the ocean, and she seemed to be lost in thought for just a second.
“Don’t squish it! Don’t squish it!” A tiny high pitched squeal belted out at my feet.
“Brooklyn!” Natalie said as she stood to her feet, and started walking in my direction.
“It’s a baby crab!” she yelled as she cupped her hand next to my boot. Without thinking, I squatted down so I was face to face with her.
“I think I got it!” she squealed as she looked into my eyes. Her eyes were twinkling and she opened her mouth wide, as if she were screaming, without a sound coming out.
“Ok, I’m gonna grab it,” I said as I looked at her. She was definitely Natalie’s girl. They shared the same green eyes. “You run over there and grab the big sand pail.”
“Momma, I caught a crab!” she yelled as she ran past Nat, throwing sand behind her feet with every step. She scooped up the shovel and pail, making her way back to me in record time. I only had time to give Natalie a quick glance before the little girl was back at my feet. But I could feel her eyes.
“Ok, here’s what we’re going to do,” I said, talking softly to the little girl.
“Ok, shoot,” she said with a grin, waiting for my instructions. She couldn’t be more than five years old, but she was ready to do this.
“Tip the pail over and I’ll put him in there, with some sand so he feels at home, ok?” I said.
“Ok, I’m ready,” she said, and then stuck her little tongue out as she concentrated on my hands, waiting for the moment I made my move.
“We did it!” she said with a laugh as she looked down into the pail, and watched the crab crawl around in the sand.
“We did it, momma!” she said as she stood up, and started to jump up and down.
“Careful, you don’t want him to fall out,” I said as I stood to my feet. Watching her excitement made me smile.
“Why don’t you put some shells in there for it?” Natalie said as she walked closer to us.
“Ok. But I think it’s a boy,” she said as she put her face close to the pail. “I’m going to name him Mustang,” she said with a nod, approving her own decision, and then took off in the direction of a pile of shells next to their towels.
My eyes went to Natalie. She was staring at the little girl, with her hands in her back pockets and chewing on her bottom lip, avoiding eye contact with me.
“Nat,” I said quietly. I didn’t know what else to say. I had a shit load of things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t say any of it. One syllable was all that I could manage.
“Ryker,” she whispered as she stared at the sand for a few seconds before bringing her eyes to mine. I wanted to grab her and wrap my arms around her. I wanted to apologize for my ass
hole brother pushing me in the pool, with her number in my pocket. I wanted to tell her that I’ve thought about her all these years. But her name was hard enough.
“It’s been a long time,” I said, and couldn’t help but drink her in. She was beautiful. Without realizing it, I ran my index finger down her nose, grazing those perfect little freckles. Those freckles that almost brought me to my knees, still.
“It’s been a lifetime, Ryker,” she said as she ran her foot back and forth in the sand. When she lifted her eyes back up to me, I saw hurt.
Years of pain had taken a toll on her; I could see it, even though I didn’t understand how. I didn’t know her anymore, or what she had been through all these years. Hell, I hardly knew her back then. It was a few short days. But those days stayed with me for years. But she had a little girl now; I was convinced she had a husband. No man would be stupid enough to let her go. I shouldn’t have let her see me. I should have walked away three weeks ago. I shouldn’t interfere with her life.
“I should go,” I said, knowing it was the right thing to do, but hoping she would tell me to stay. But she didn’t. She turned her attention to Brooklyn, refusing to make eye contact with me. I looked her up and down one last time before turning on my heel and heading back to my motorcycle.
“You never called,” she said quietly. With the sounds of the waves crashing behind me, I thought maybe I imagined it, but stopped in my tracks just in case.
But I didn’t turn around. Not yet.
“Why didn’t you call?” she asked, and I could feel her. She was closer.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I turned around to face her. “It’s a long story. I wanted to, I promise you.” It was the truth, the God’s honest truth.
She didn’t speak, but I saw something in her eyes. She didn’t hate me. Fuck it. I took a step closer and wrapped her in my arms. I knew I shouldn’t, but I didn’t care. I almost expected her to push me away, but she didn’t. Instead she wrapped her arms around my waist and squeezed me tight.
“Momma, you’re hugging a stranger,” Brooklyn said in a loud whisper as she stepped between Natalie and me. We both started to laugh as Brooklyn wiggled her way between us. Natalie wiped a tear from her eye as she smiled, with her left hand, her bare, ring free hand.
“Oh Brookie, he’s not a stranger. Mommy knew him a long, long time ago,” she said as she ran her hands through her daughter’s hair.
“What’s your name?” Brooklyn asked as she looked up at me, and traced her finger along my arm.
“My name is Ryker,” I said, and held my hand out to her.
“I’m Brooklyn. My mom calls me Brookie, but that’s a baby name, so please call me Brooklyn,” she said very matter of fact as she put her hand in mine.
“Will do, Brooklyn,” I said as I gave her a shake.
“I like your tattoos,” she said as she inspected my arm. “I like all the colors’ it’s like a coloring book.”
“Well, thank you,” I said as I glanced at Natalie, who was smiling and shaking her head.
“Do you want to watch me build a sand castle? I’m really good at it. I practice every week,” she asked as she latched onto my hand, and started pulling me towards the bank.
“Honey, I’m not sure if Ryker can stay, he may be busy,” Nat said as she gave me a questioning look.
“Do you want me to stay?” I asked quietly.
“Come on,” she said as she nodded her head towards the towels.
“Yay! You’re going to love my sand castle. It will be freaking awesome!” she said as she led me toward the water.
“Brooklyn!” Natalie scolded.
“Sorry, Mommy doesn’t like it when I say the F word, she knows that’s not the real F word, but I can’t say that either.”
I tried my best to keep a straight face as I listened to her explanation.
“Pull up a towel,” Natalie said as she sat down and watched Brooklyn fill her bucket with wet sand.
“She’s a mess,” Natalie said with a laugh as she kept her eyes on Brooklyn.
“She looks just like you,” I said as I watched Natalie’s hair blow in the wind.
“She’s the best part of me.”
“I’m glad she asked me to stay,” I said. It wasn’t close to the things I wanted to say to her, but it was a start.
“Me, too,” she said as she wrapped her arms around her folded up knees and gave me a little smile.
I wasn’t letting go this time. No way in hell.
I shouldn’t do this
9:04 p.m.
Brooklyn was sleeping like a log and I was lying in bed thinking of him. I was so shocked when I saw him on the beach. I wanted to run up to him, but my pride wouldn’t let me. He never called. I spent way too long waiting for that phone call. He said it was a long story. I didn’t ask, because I don’t think I wanted to know. I let him go years ago. It was only a few days together, but he hit me like a ton of bricks. I fell hard and fast and it took too long to forget him. Not that I ever really forgot him, which made me feel guilty. Because I loved Kyle, I really did. He was a good man. But he was gone.
“Momma!” Brooklyn yelled from her room. I shot out of bed and ran to her quickly.
“What’s wrong honey?” I asked.
“I had a bad dream; will you sleep in my bed?” she asked as she rubbed her eyes, and looking too adorable for words. How could I say no?
“Just until you fall asleep, ok?” I said as I crawled into her twin bed, wrapping my arms around her.
“Ok, thank you, momma,” she said with a yawn.
“You’re welcome, Brookie,” I said as I kissed her forehead.
My thoughts drifted back to Ryker, immediately. We didn’t get to talk much on the beach. Brooklyn decided to plant herself in between us and stayed engaged in conversation with Ryker. She had a ton of questions for him. Mostly about his tattoos and his motorcycle. The only man she was ever around was her Papa, my dad. But she didn’t see him as often since we moved to Corpus last year. Not to mention that Ryker was the complete opposite of my father, so she was naturally curious. She probably missed having a male figure in her life, which caused the knot to creep into my stomach again. I forced those thoughts away and concentrated on Brookie’s breathing. She was already snoring lightly so I crawled out of her bed without disturbing her; it was a skill I had practiced for years now. I was a klutz most of the time, but could crawl out of my daughter’s bed like a ninja master.
Just as I walked into my bedroom, I noticed my phone light up. I glanced at it and saw a Facebook notification. I scooped it up as I crawled into bed. I knew it would be a while before I fell asleep, and I could scroll Pinterest until my eyes got heavy. It was a nightly ritual. Those little red notifications drove me a little crazy so I hit the Facebook app and saw a friend request.
Ryker Hamilton. My stomach did a little flip.
I clicked on his profile. He didn’t have any friends or posts, not even a profile picture. It was a new account.
Confirm.
I stared at the screen, waiting. For something, anything. God, I was pathetic. But just as I was about to close the app another notification appeared. A message.
My fingers started shaking a little as I opened it. Yep, pathetic.
Ryker: I didn’t know if I did this right. I’ve never had one of these.
So I simply replied:
Your profile needs a little work.
I could see the little dots that let me know he was typing.
Ryker: I’ll probably never use it again. But I didn’t want to ask you for your number, I was too nervous.
You get nervous?
Ryker: Not very often. Are you busy tomorrow night?
I might be able to move some things around. Depends
Tomorrow was Sunday. My usual Sunday plans consisted of laundry and getting Brooklyn and I ready for the week. But I shouldn’t do this.
Ryker: Will you have dinner with me?
I shouldn’t do this.
Why was I even considering this? Was I ready to go on a date? Was I ready to see Ryker again? But it’s just a date. One little date. What could it hurt? My thoughts were all over the place.
Ok, sounds good.
Ryker: Will you send me your address? Can I pick you up at 6?
I would need to find a sitter. But Christy, from work, would do it. She was always trying to convince me to get out of the house. Plus, Brooklyn loved her and her daughter. I sent Ryker my address and Christy a quick text. She was happy to oblige, but demanded details.
Ryker: Goodnight, Nat. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Night
I tried to be calm and casual, but I was anything but that. I dialed the number I needed.
“Hello?” A raspy, deep voice whispered. Shit, it was 4 a.m. in Germany. Stupid time difference.
“Nathan, shit, I’m sorry, I know it’s late . . . or early . . . sorry,” I rambled. I knew I should call back later, but I couldn’t. I needed my best friend.
“Babe, babe.” I heard in the distance. “It’s Nat,” he said.
“Hang on, here she is,” he mumbled. I’m pretty sure he was falling asleep mid-sentence.
“Nat, what’s wrong?” Emily said, sounding wide awake and worried.
“Nothing’s wrong, I’m sorry. I forgot about the time change.” I apologized again.
“Nat, we’ve been stationed here for two years, how could you forget that?” Emily asked with a laugh. “What’s up?”
“I saw him!” I blurted out.