The Society #StalkerProblems

by Ivy Smoak

  “Is everything okay?” asked Anthony. “You must have just lip-read something truly awful.”

  Shit shit shit! This date had been going so well. I glanced at Chastity.

  “I was trying to warn you,” she hissed.

  Damn it. Now that I knew that was what she’d been doing, her actions made a lot more sense. Why hadn’t I just looked at her? What do I do now? Could I just pretend like Joe wasn’t there? He didn’t matter. I was so over him. But…who had he been with? It was definitely a date. Had she had stupid fake red hair like Sierra? “That’s my ex,” I said.

  “Boyfriend?”

  “Husband.” The word felt gross on my tongue. “We just finalized our divorce a couple weeks ago.” My stomach turned over. I felt like I was going to be sick.

  “Eek. Wanna leave? I’ll get the check and we can go grab some dessert. Have you been to the Midtown Pudding Place? It’s amazing.”

  As good as that sounded, I didn’t want to leave in the middle of our meal. That would feel like I was letting Joe win. “No, let’s stay. He’s dead to me.”

  Dr. Lyons smiled.

  We changed the topic, but I couldn’t focus. I had to know who Joe was with. I dropped my napkin on the floor so I could sneak a peek.

  But as soon as I got down on my hands and knees, I heard Madison trying to get my attention.

  She was under their table too, waving at me. “Joe’s here,” she whisper yelled.

  Yeah, I got that.

  “How’s the date going?” she asked.

  I don’t have time for this nonsense. I turned to see Joe. Sure enough, he was with Sierra. And he was getting on one knee.

  No. Freaking. Way. I tried to turn away from them. To pretend it wasn’t happening. But my eyes stayed glued to Joe’s table.

  He clinked his knife against a champagne flute. But it felt like the knife went straight through my heart.

  “Excuse me,” said Joe. “If I could just have your attention for one moment.”

  The restaurant went silent and everyone turned their attention to the happy couple.

  “What are you doing?” whispered Sierra. But she looked so excited. She was already running her hands through her hair and smoothing her sparkly dress to make sure she’d look perfect for the proposal.

  “Four years ago, I met the most amazing woman,” began Joe.

  Four years?! My heart stopped beating. Four? Fucking four? What the hell?

  Chasity got down on the floor too. “I think he’s proposing,” she whispered.

  Kill me now. My stomach felt like it rolled over.

  Joe smiled at Sierra. “I saw her across the room, and my whole life changed. It was love at first sight. Until then I had just been coasting through life. But Sierra gave me a purpose.”

  Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, I was definitely gonna be sick. I stood up, tossed my napkin on the table, and ran towards the exit.

  I gasped for fresh air, but the warm, stale city air did nothing for me. Four years? Four freaking years?! I had thought it was a one-time thing. But instead he’d been lying to my face for years. God, I was such a fool. How had I not seen it? The tears I had barely managed to hold back earlier streamed down my face. Four. Years. I could barely breathe. The number just kept rolling around in my head. How many nights had he come home to me after being with her?

  I clutched my stomach. This was too much. I was gasping for air.

  Dr. Lyons burst out of the restaurant. “Ash.” He put his hand on my shoulder and turned me towards him. Just as I threw up my grits. All over his shirt. And pants. And shoes.

  Fuck my life! I didn’t look at his reaction. I couldn’t. I could never see him again. Not after I’d just incident #4’d all over him. I turned and ran away.

  Chapter 32 - An Unexpected Guest

  Saturday

  It was official. I was never leaving the house again. No matter what I did, tears were still slowly falling down my face. I tried to brush them away to no avail.

  And it wasn’t about Joe. Yes, that four years shit stung really badly. But I already hated him. I was crying because I was a menace to society, and society was a menace to me. It was better if we were kept apart.

  All I needed was pajamas, ice cream, and TV. And a thorough mouth cleaning to get rid of the taste of vomit. If only I could clean my mind too. I searched Google Maps for elective lobotomy clinics, but there were none nearby. Come on, New York. 8.6 million people, and not a single one was licensed to stick a metal rod in my brain to destroy all my awful memories? Lame.

  I pulled on my snuggliest pajamas and opened the fridge, but I was fresh out of ice cream.

  Are you freaking kidding me, Universe? I wanted to scream. This was officially the worst day of my life.

  Sure, Chastity would happily bring me ice cream if I called her, but then she’d want to know what had happened after I ran out of the restaurant. And I wasn’t ready to relive it yet. Telling someone about it would make it too real. None of it mattered anyway. I’d dehydrate myself soon with all my crying. And then I could just die in a puddle of my own tears. Only an ironic death made sense for a fool like me.

  My bottom lip started trembling.

  God! Stop!

  I tried to take a deep breath. No, I didn’t need Chastity. Or ice cream. All I needed was to curl up with an episode of my newest obsession: Gossip Girl. I just HAD to know who Gossip Girl was. Was it Serena? Or Blair? Pssh, no. Those were too obvious. It was definitely Chuck.

  But tonight, not even Gossip Girl could distract me from the horrors I’d endured. I just sat there staring at the TV screen. I couldn’t pay attention. My mind just kept playing reruns of Joe’s proposal and my subsequent barf explosion.

  I wonder if they announced their engagement on Instagram yet. I knew I shouldn’t look. But I was too curious. I resisted for a full half-episode, but eventually I lost control and opened Sierra’s Instagram. There was a new picture from 58 minutes ago. Sierra and Joe were sitting in the restaurant, happy as can be, with Sierra showing off her engagement ring. Which was FREAKING HUGE. I didn’t know much about diamonds, but that thing had to be like two carats. Maybe 3. It wouldn’t have been out of place on a Kardashian’s finger. Which made it about 1,000 times bigger than the ring Joe had given me.

  What really pissed me off, though, was that I knew he had bought it with the money that I had helped him make. The money he had stolen from me in the divorce.

  Scrolling through the comments didn’t make me feel any better.

  “You look stunning!”

  “Luckiest man alive.”

  “THAT RING!”

  “Congrats to the happy couple! Wishing you two so much happiness.”

  The compliments went on and on. All 1046 of her comments said something nice, although half of them were just creepy dudes complimenting her tits or sending eggplant emojis.

  Why did none of those people comment on the fact that Joe had been married just a couple weeks ago and basically admitted during his proposal that he’d been a dirty cheater for four freaking years?

  My phone started ringing and Chastity’s name flashed across the screen.

  “What?” I croaked.

  “Girl, are you okay? You sprinted out of there so fast. I was going to run after you but Madison picked up a butter knife and was threatening to cut off Joe’s dick. I had to stop her.”

  Wow. That was…a lot. “Did she succeed?”

  Chastity laughed. “No. But you should have seen it. I almost had to tackle her.”

  I would have laughed if I didn’t feel like dying.

  “Do you want me to come over?” she asked.

  This was my opportunity for ice cream. But I needed to be in solitude for a while. Back to my vow of reclusivity. It was for the best. “No. I’m just going to head to bed early.”

  “Okay, Ash. If you’re sure.”

  We both knew I rarely slept anymore. But thankfully she was being merciful.

  “And just for the record. Bef
ore Joe proposed to Sierra, you were slaying that date.”

  I really had been.

  “But don’t ever say I’m Madison’s gay date ever again. Gag. I don’t want to give her any ideas.”

  I laughed. “I promise I won’t. I’m going to go…to bed now.”

  “Alright. Love you!”

  “Love you too.” I hung up the phone and pulled my fuzzy blanket up to my chin. Woe is me.

  I was just starting to reread all the Instagram comments when someone knocked on my door.

  What now? Chastity probably knew I was out of ice cream. It was sweet of her to stop by. But I really wasn’t in any place to break my vow of reclusivity. I’d proven to everyone that I couldn’t be trusted in the wild. I’d just yell at her to go away through the door. I tossed my phone on the coffee table and walked over to check the peephole.

  And I almost screamed. It was Dr. Lyons. Normally I would have thought about hurling myself out of the window. But he didn’t look upset. He was just standing there balancing a bouquet of spring flowers and a to-go bag from the Midtown Pudding Place.

  I couldn’t help but smile. After all that had happened tonight - after I barfed on him and ran away - he still wanted to see me? I didn’t deserve him. And I almost didn’t open the door. But that bag of dessert…I needed it. I needed it more than life itself. My dessert cravings outweighed my shame. Just barely.

  I begrudgingly opened the door.

  “I brought dessert,” he said, holding up the bag. Even through the bag I could smell the sweet sweet aroma of freshly baked bread pudding. “Oh, and these are for you.” He handed me the bouquet.

  I didn’t know what to say. No words could describe my weird mix of emotions. I was so angry at Joe. So embarrassed about incident #4. And somehow so thankful for this wonderful man in front of me. But most of all, I was just confused about why Dr. Lyons was still pursuing me. He’d already seen so many things he couldn’t un-see. Yet, here he was. I thought about all the times Tanner had pushed me away. And here was a guy that just kept showing up? Screw Tanner. Screw Joe. Screw all other men. Dr. Lyons trumped them all.

  “Sorry it took me so long,” he said. “There was a long line at the Pudding Place. And I had to run home to change.”

  “You really didn’t have to do this. Especially after…well, you know.” The projectile vomit thing. God, it was possible that incident #4 was the worst yet. No. No, nothing beat the original incident.

  “There was no way I was going to let our first date end like that. Honestly, I was happy to leave. That restaurant was a little stuffy for my taste.” He pulled out two containers of bread pudding and put them on the coffee table. “Gossip Girl and dessert is so much better.”

  I laughed. “You watch Gossip Girl, huh?”

  “I mean…not anymore. I already binged the entire thing.”

  “I feel like that’s not something a guy should admit.”

  “Hey, I like what I like.” He sat down and took a big bite of his raspberry bread pudding. “I can’t exactly watch manly shows, anyway.”

  I laughed again. “Are you mocking me?” I sat down next to him.

  “No, I’m serious.” He looked a little embarrassed. “Anything with gunshots or violence is out unless you want to see me scream like a schoolgirl and hide under a couch for thirty minutes. I have the army to thank for that.”

  Oh. “PTSD?”

  He scratched the back of his neck like even hearing the term made him nervous. “Yeah. Being triggered by gunshots isn’t so bad, though. I’m just thankful they never threw pudding bombs at us. Then my life really would have been ruined.” He took another big bite.

  “I want to make a joke about me having PTSD from barfing on you, but I kind of feel like that would be in poor taste.”

  “Not at all. I probably will too. I’m not sure I’ll ever look at grits the same again.”

  I hid behind my hands. “Oh God. Can we please never speak of that?”

  Dr. Lyons laughed. “It’s really fine. I totally get it. I don’t want to offend you, but…that ex of yours seems like a total douche. I mean…his proposal was somehow so overdone and so lame all at the same time. If someone proposed to me like that, I’d throw a glass of champagne in their face and tell them to try again.”

  I smiled. “Really?”

  “Yeah. And don’t get me started on that ring. He must have the tiniest little baby penis.”

  I nodded. “I know, right?” Dr. Lyons totally got me.

  “You’re better off without him. But I understand that it still hurts seeing him be happy. You wanna know what the best medicine is, though?”

  “What?”

  “This bread pudding. I should warn you though…if you don’t start eating it soon, I’m gonna eat it for you.”

  “Don’t you dare.” I ate a huge forkful and let out an orgasmic moan. Awkward. But when I stole a sideways glance at him, he wasn’t looking at me like he thought the noise was awkward. He was staring at me like he wanted me to do it again. I tried to hide my smile.

  “So what episode are we on?” he asked.

  “Uh…the one where Chuck is with the prostitutes.”

  “That literally gives me no information. That’s pretty much every episode.”

  I laughed. “I know. And before we watch, you have to promise you won’t tell me who Gossip Girl is.”

  “It’s all over the internet…”

  “I’ve been avoiding spoilers. Promise you won’t tell.”

  He smiled at me. “I promise.”

  Something about the way he said it made me believe I could trust him with anything. Which made sense. He was a doctor. I could already trust him with my life.

  We watched the rest of the episode and finished our dessert. And then we watched another. And another. Into the wee hours of the morning. Somewhere along the way his arm had wrapped around my shoulders. I had no real desire to move. Ever.

  “Well, I should probably get going,” he finally said.

  The clock read 3:53. In the morning. Geez. “You can crash on the couch if you want.” I tried not to wince at my own words. I should have been sexier. Like…come to my bed you sexy man-beast. Gross. I was bad at being sexy.

  He shook his head. “I don’t want to impose. I’ve probably already overstayed my welcome.”

  “Not at all. This was perfect.”

  “I had fun too. Maybe we can do it again sometime?”

  “Going on a date…or watching Gossip Girl?”

  “I was talking about the date,” he said. “But I’d be down for more Gossip Girl too. My schedule is a little crazy this week, but how about I text you?”

  I couldn’t hide the huge smile on my face even if I’d tried. “Sure.” We exchanged numbers and then I walked him to the door. There was an awkward pause as he stood in the open door. Do we hug? Or kiss? Or shake hands?

  He locked eyes with me and leaned in. He’s going to kiss me! I closed my eyes and let it happen. It was everything I’d needed. He gave me a few pecks and then nipped at my lower lip. I moaned and flicked my tongue against his lips. They tasted like his raspberry bread pudding. Yum.

  The sound of footsteps ended our kiss far too soon. I pulled back and opened my eyes. Homeless Rutherford was sashaying down the hallway without a care in the world. Stupid cockblocker!

  Dr. Lyons looked amused by his presence. He gave me a look that said who the hell is that weirdo?

  “I’ll explain later,” I said with a laugh.

  “Deal. Thanks again, Ash. Tonight was really great.” He gave me one more peck and then turned to go.

  “Until next time,” I said. And then I winked and aimed some finger guns at him. What in the ever-living hell is wrong with me? I slammed the door so I couldn’t see his reaction. But I’m pretty sure I heard him laugh. Which left such a big smile on my face too.

  Chapter 33 - Super Sexy Lunch Date

  Sunday

  I wish I could tell you that I spent the day after my date floati
ng around on cloud nine. A super hot soldier turned doctor who might also be a superhero had spent all night cuddling me and watching Gossip Girl. Gossip Girl! That was like…every girl’s dream. And yet, all I could think about all day was Joe and Sierra.

  Even thinking about their names made me feel sick to my stomach. Four years? I hated them. And I hated that I was even upset about it. But every good memory I had of Joe during that time had just been destroyed. That vacation we took to Vegas after selling a million dollars’ worth of cupcakes? Trash. The time we’d rented a hotel room just for the hell of it and had wild sex… Oh God. A horrible thought occurred to me. He had been banging Sierra that whole time. And she definitely had all sorts of horrible STDs. I could tell just by looking at her. Which meant I did too now.

  AIDS, chlamydia, gonorrhea. I probably had all of it.

  I texted Chastity the bad news and then started searching WebMD for STD symptoms.

  Did I have lower belly pain? Sometimes.

  Sore throat? Now that I’m thinking about it…I could use a cough drop.

  Pus or a watery/milky discharge from my penis? No, but only because I don’t have one. Oh no…am I going to grow one? Is that possible?

  I was spiraling. I knew it, but I couldn’t help myself. I kept reading symptoms. And I literally had all of them.

  Chastity called me just in time to stop a total mental breakdown.

  “I have all the STDs. I’m dying,” I said into the phone.

  “Whoa, slow down,” said Chastity. “Did you bang Dr. Lyons?”

  “What? No. Why would you think that?”

  “Well you were just on a date. And I got there late, so you might have hooked up in the bathroom before I arrived. What other conclusion should I have come to?”

  “Joe’s been fucking Sierra for four years.”

  “Oh. That. Yeah…that’s gross. Let me quote Madison from last night to make you smile: ‘I’m going to fucking kill that asshole and shove his dick down his throat.’ It was kind of epic.”

  “I definitely have all the STDs, right?” I asked.

  “That would have been my first thought too. But weren’t you tested just a few days ago at your spa appointments?”