The Mourning Woods - 03

by Rick Gualtieri

  “What did you see?”

  Again, James looked troubled. “That’s what’s been bothering me actually. I too had a hard time following your moves.”

  “You did?”

  “I am somewhat embarrassed to admit it, but yes.”

  Even Sally was impressed by that. “Wow.”

  “Indeed. That tells me one of two things. Either our friend, Dr. Death here, is far more formidable than any of us imagined...”

  “Or?”

  “Or our mysterious donor is a vampire whose power far eclipses my own.”

  “Francois?” I queried.

  That elicited chuckles from both James and Sally. “Sorry, Bill,” she said. “But I doubt he’d piss on you if you were on fire much less open a vein so you could take a drink.”

  “Then who?” Ed asked.

  That was a damn good question. I just wish I had an answer.

  Midnight Tryst

  Once we were within sight of our hut, James left us to confer with his people. That was fine by me. I needed to change and think things through. Sally claimed to have a headache from all the mucking around in her head and wanted to lie down for a while, not too surprising. Tom and Ed, well they both said they were going to stay close to the hut. I couldn’t blame them.

  After I had dressed (and found my spare set of glasses...It was nice to be able to see again) I joined them at the table. Despite all of us wanting to brainstorm on the shit pile we had somehow stepped into, we were careful to avoid it. The walls of the hut were thin. Leaves, mud, and assorted crap weren’t going to do much to mask our words if any of Francois’s men were close by, and it was a fair bet they were.

  Thus, to pass the time, we pulled out a deck of cards and decided to play a few rounds of poker. That was a mistake. By the end of the game, I was fifty bucks in the hole. What a fucking trip.

  Disgusted, I decided to join Sally...well OK, not physically join her. That would have earned me a quick downgrade to eunuch. Instead, I decided to lie down and grab some sleep. Considering what I had planned, going to bed a little early wouldn’t exactly be a bad idea.

  * * *

  Sleep is overrated. Horrific nightmares plagued me from the moment I lay down. No, nothing to do with Turd, Bigfoot, or some other fairytale monster. I’m talking real horror here. My dream self had finally worked up the nerve to ask Sheila out, and I mean really ask her out this time, none of that is it a date or isn’t it bullshit that I’ve been fucking around with. Nope, this time I asked her flat out, “Would you like to go out on a date with me?” Well OK, my dream self might have thrown a please in there somewhere. I never said my subconscious was cool. Her answer of, “No, Bill, I think of you as a brother,” was horrible enough, but her follow up of, “Besides, I already have a double date planned with Tom and Ed,” caused me to wake up in a cold sweat. Fuck me!

  I had a brief moment of waking confusion - in which I seriously contemplated killing them both just to make sure that didn’t come to pass - but then my head cleared. I looked around. Both of my roommates were sound asleep. I turned toward the door and saw it was still fairly dark out. I couldn’t have been asleep for long. However, then I looked at my watch and saw it was eight AM. Oh, yeah, I’m practically up in the fucking Yukon. Stupid Canada and its screwed up days.

  I quietly got out of bed and walked over to the cooler for a drink. I lifted a pint and then stopped. Goddamn, why didn’t I think of this before? I grabbed a few random packs and sampled from each. No vampire blood. Hadn’t James said something about my bottle already being full when he came to get it? That meant someone had snuck in here at some point and planted it.

  I was mulling possibilities when I heard Sally’s voice say, “Hey, toss me one of those.”

  She stepped out from behind her curtain and joined me at the table.

  “Couldn’t sleep?” I asked.

  “You snore like a chainsaw,” she replied, taking a sip.

  “I thought you only drank from the tap.”

  “All things considered, I think it might be smart to eat in for the remainder of our time here. So why are you up?”

  Rather than tell Sally about my dreams - which would no doubt earn me nothing but grief in return - I decided instead to fill her in on the course of action I had been considering.

  “I’m thinking of checking out the Sasquatches.”

  “Playing Sherlock Holmes now?”

  “Something like that,” I replied. “Besides, it’ll be daylight soon. They won’t be expecting me to be up and about.”

  “Us,” she said.

  “Excuse me.”

  “They won’t be expecting us to be up and about.”

  “What about you not wanting to know things in case Francois makes you squeal...which just for the record might be kinda hot to listen to.”

  Sally’s boot connected with my shin under the table. *ouch!*

  “I don’t think that’s going to happen. Whatever it was you did to me yesterday seems to have cleaned him out of my head. It’s like you put up a concrete wall in my brain to reinforce my mental barriers. It’s hard to explain...”

  “You’re saying you’re safe?”

  “In a nutshell.”

  “How do I know Francois didn’t compel you to say that?”

  She looked at a loss for that one. Hot damn, no matter the situation I so loved when I could occasionally beat Sally in a war of words.

  “I’m just kidding,” I said. “I believe you. Besides, he’s been one step ahead of us so far and it hasn’t exactly helped him.”

  “You do have a way of fucking up the best laid plans of mice and men.”

  “And asshole Nazi vampires, let’s not forget them.”

  * * *

  Aside from our immortality and preference for blood, there is one thing that all vampires, regardless of age or social status, share: our wardrobes are full of hooded clothing. It’s kind of a necessity for those times when one must brave the unforgiving light of the sun. Sure, it might make us look like weirdos (especially in warm weather), but it beats the hell out of turning to dust. In dense forest, such as we were in, there was much less chance of that happening, but better safe than sorry.

  I pulled a bottle of high-grade sunscreen from my luggage and liberally slathered it on. Sure, I smelled like a rancid palm tree, but that wasn’t a bad thing considering the lack of shower facilities. I covered up all exposed skin, then tossed on a ski-mask for good measure.

  “Are you going to spy on them or rob a bank?” Sally asked, stepping out of from behind the curtain. She was similarly, if somewhat more garishly, covered up.

  “Well at least you don’t have to worry about being shot at by hunters,” I replied, indicating the bright pink hoodie she was now wearing. “You do realize they’ll see you coming from a mile off, right?”

  “That’s kind of the point. If they catch us, which I give a pretty high chance of happening, I can just claim I was out exploring. Nobody in their right mind would be doing any sort of espionage in this thing. You, on the other hand, look like you’re about to take hostages.”

  “Touché,” I replied. “Now let’s get going before the rest of the crew wakes up.”

  “Hold on, I want to get my gun.”

  “I thought you told Ed that bullets wouldn’t work.”

  “Doesn’t mean they won’t hurt like hell. If I’m going down, I’m making sure every ape in the area gets a fifty-caliber kick to the groin.”

  I winced. “Thanks for the imagery, but I really think you should leave it. That story about being out exploring will sound a lot more plausible if you’re not packing enough firepower to take over a small country.”

  Sally considered this for a moment, then grudgingly nodded. I just hoped it was a decision we wouldn’t live to regret.

  * * *

  We stepped outside to the rapidly brightening day. Amazingly enough, Nergui still stood guard - albeit he was now positioned under the shade of a large tree. He saw me and, des
pite my outfit, snapped to attention. Vampires as old as Nergui are hard to fool, their senses being far closer to a comic book character like Wolverine. He started to step forward, but I held up a hand.

  “I need you to stay here, Nergui. Protect my friends inside. Also, don’t let them wander very far.”

  “My duty is to you, Freewill,” he predictably said.

  “You saw what Bill did yesterday, right?” Sally asked. Nergui nodded in response. “He’s been mastering his powers. I think we’ll be all right.”

  Nergui appeared to consider this, but still moved to join us.

  “My friends need your protection more,” I protested.

  Finally, Sally sighed. I couldn’t see behind the sunglasses she now wore, but I was sure there was an eye-roll going on. She suddenly stepped close, putting one arm seductively around me.

  “My coven master and I wish to be alone,” she purred.

  For just a split second, a knowing look came over Nergui’s face. He smiled ever so subtly and stepped back to his spot.

  Smart. During her little adventure in New York, Gan had been convinced that Sally was my concubine (or whore as she put it). Doubtless, she had filled Nergui in on this. Sally was using that knowledge to make him stay put and keep an eye on my roommates, as well as stay out of our hair. There was also the added benefit that if Francois managed to compel Nergui, he wouldn’t get anything useful out of him.

  That fact that her tone and gestures were also giving me a little morning wood in the Woods of Mourning, well that was just a nice bonus.

  Nergui taken care of, we continued on our way. Once we had gotten far enough that he couldn’t eavesdrop, she said flatly, “Say a word and die.”

  I didn’t need to be told twice.

  * * *

  Keeping off the trails that ran through the area, we bypassed several encampments. There was no point in giving ourselves away. Though it appeared some of the other creatures present were likewise photosensitive, few of them were dressed in modern attire. While they might not be able to identify us, it would be pretty obvious to any beings we came across that we were vampires.

  As we walked, a thought hit me. I had no idea where the fuck we were going. I started to say something, but Sally, apparently reading my mind, answered my unspoken question.

  “Their scent is strongest this way,” she said. Her voice then took on a more condescending tone. “Aren’t you glad I insisted on coming?”

  I mumbled something inaudible in response.

  “I thought so,” she replied glibly. “You really do suck at this, don’t you?”

  “Sorry. I didn’t exactly go to ninja school you know.”

  “I mean the whole vampire thing in general,” she replied.

  “Fuck you.”

  “Not even on a dare.”

  “Sorry, I forgot you save that privilege for guys who stick a five spot in your g-string.”

  “Speaking of which, how are things going with that girl you like? Have you started paying her to be seen with you yet?”

  Ooh! That was a low blow.

  “Listen you gold bricking, poorly coifed, bitch of a...UMPH!” Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to finish my scathing comeback as a huge hairy hand came out of nowhere and covered my face.

  Mission Improbable

  “Tlunta make lot of noise,” a voice growled in my ear. Oh, fuck!

  I grabbed the large fingers and managed to pry them off of my head. Damn, that was a lot harder when I didn’t have super vampire blood coursing through my system. The hand released me, and I jumped back taking a defensive posture (or what might have passed for one in a kung-fu movie).

  As I stood there preparing for an attack, Sally simply said, “Hey, Grulg. Where have you been? I didn’t see you there yesterday.”

  “You didn’t?” I asked. I hadn’t even noticed. Not to sound like a racist asshole, but all of these things looked the same to me. I wouldn’t have been able to pick Grulg out of a lineup with a half dozen of his buddies.

  “Yeah,” she replied. “Wasn’t it obvious?” She left unspoken the part about it being obvious to non-pathetic vampires, but believe me it was implied.

  “No speak here. You follow,” Grulg replied, then turned and loped off into the woods.

  Sally looked at me, shrugged, and then took off after him.

  Knowing that no matter what choice I made, I’d probably end up regretting it, I did likewise.

  Grulg took a path perpendicular to the one we had followed. If anything, he seemed to be leading us into even deeper woods. Soon, the shadows deepened as the canopy above us grew thicker. Within a short while, our coverings became unnecessary even though it was the middle of the Canadian day.

  Finally Grulg stopped. We were in a clearing, but the surrounding trees all leaned inward providing the place with a perpetual twilight feel.

  “Secret place,” Grulg gestured around him. “Only Grulg know.” I was tempted to point out to our grammatically challenged guide that it wasn’t exactly a secret anymore, but I didn’t exactly think that would endear him to me.

  “So what’s this about, Grulg?” I asked.

  Grulg stood up straight as he answered. Both Sally and I had to crane our necks to look him in the eye. “Grulg honorable warrior. Live with honor. Fight with honor. Kill with honor.”

  I tried (and failed) to suppress a gulp at that last part. Maybe Grulg had led us all the way out here to avenge his leader. Even with Sally here backing me up, I wasn’t too sure on our odds if such was the case.

  “No one is saying otherwise, Grulg,” Sally said in a soothing voice.

  “Grulg know that, she-Tlunta.”

  I snickered at that, and Sally shot me a glare.

  “Grulg proud and loyal,” he continued, ignoring our idiocy. “If peace come, then Grulg honor peace. If war come, then Grulg crush his enemies until Grulg win or Grulg killed.”

  “Nobody wants that last part, Grulg,” I said.

  Grulg growled at me. “Stupid Tlunta not understand (Great, now I was being insulted by a giant shit-flinging monkey). Grulg not care. Grulg do as told. War, peace, it all same to Grulg. But this...this not honorable.”

  “What isn’t?” I asked.

  Grulg again growled. Then he walked over and backhanded a small tree, shattering it. I backed up a step, wondering if this was going to get messy. However, Sally didn’t seem perturbed. She was one stone cold, ice queen.

  “You can tell us, Grulg,” she said. “It’s OK.”

  That seemed to calm Grulg down. Chalk one up to the whole beauty and the beast concept. I guess Sally's marvelous rack could even transcend species.

  “Turd,” spat Grulg. “He no act with honor.”

  Aha. Now we were getting somewhere. James had said that Turd’s behavior was out of sorts. Now one of his own followers was ratting him out. Considering theirs was a caste-based society, it said something for Grulg actually to be speaking out against his superiors.

  “Let me guess,” I surmised. “This has to do with setting me up to take a beating yesterday.”

  Grulg gave a look that suggested his opinion of me was slipping several notches, and then actually chuckled. “No, Tlunta. Leaders should be able to fight. Also, Turd not give you beating. I was told that you give him one.”

  “OK then,” I sighed. “But what about the whole setting me up part, doesn’t that strike you as a bit treacherous?”

  This time he leaned back his head and full out laughed. He sounded like a broken garbage disposal.

  “Way to make an impression, Bill,” Sally whispered out of the side of her mouth. Bitch!

  Finally Grulg’s laughter subsided. “Funny Tlunta. Strength, speed, intelligence...all these things make good leader. Treachery just mean he smarter.”

  “Well, good. Now that we’ve established Turd’s credentials as a fucking genius...”

  Sally interrupted my tirade. “Grulg, what the Freewill is trying to ask, is what about Turd’s behavior is dishonor
able?”

  Grulg nodded at her. “Grulg show you. Tlunta follow again.”

  “We already followed you,” I protested.

  “Grulg lead you away because you no stop chattering. Sound like...what you call them...squirrels.”

  Thus admonished by a giant talking gorilla, we put our respective coverings back on and once more followed Mighty Joe Young through the forest.

  * * *