My friends were standing around me, probably making sure I didn’t suddenly keel over again. I turned and took in the rest of the surroundings. Our moderator hung in the air, glowing an angry green color, but otherwise not doing anything...which was probably a good thing. I saw James’s men off to one side in an apparent standoff against Francois’s.
Speaking of which, James had the asshole restrained in a chokehold. A silver dagger was in one of his hands, tightly pressed against Francois’s back. Francois, for his part, wasn’t struggling. Smart. More powerful or not, he wouldn’t have been able to do much before James dusted him. Regardless, a part of me kind of hoped that he would try.
The only one not doing anything was Nergui. Apparently still stuck under Francois’s compulsion, he stood there glassy eyed and unmoving. Even with the attack against me, the compulsion was still too strong for Nergui’s base beliefs to overcome. Oh, well, at least Francois hadn’t been able to compel him to attack me. Glass half full and all of that.
“What happened to not getting involved?” I called out to James once my throat had mended enough to do so.
He smiled and threw me a wink. “Your bad habits must be rubbing off on me.”
“It matters not,” Francois gasped. “I’ve still won.”
The sad thing was he was right. Peace was still the primary mission here. Saving my own ass or not, that didn’t change. Even if his little syrup scheme got disrupted, peace would still mean a significant feather in his cap. He would probably wind up with a seat on the Draculas’ coven, and at that point, I’d have made an uber-influential enemy.
“ENOUGH!” suddenly thundered through all of our minds. It wasn’t quite the same as a compulsion, but it got my attention the same way an air horn to the ear would. If that had been vocal, I’m sure there would be ruptured eardrums all around.
“THESE DISRUPTIONS HAVE BEEN TOLERATED, BUT NO MORE,” our moderator beamed out, again at triple volume. “ORDER WILL BE RESTORED NOW!”
I gave James a nod and he released Francois. It was pretty clear from the warning, that if he tried anything against me, he’d wind up a pile of ashes.
“ALL WILL LEAVE THE FLOOR SAVE FOR THE LEADERS AND THEIR RESPECTIVE PARTIES.” It did not sound like a request.
* * *
It took several minutes, even with the orb’s prodding, for order to be restored. Even then, the crowd continued whispering amongst itself. Turd’s people at first seemed more interested in tearing Turd a new asshole than listening, but at last, they backed off. They resumed their former places at the perimeter, but all kept their angry eyes locked onto their “leader.” Turd’s negotiators, meanwhile, had been replaced. Maybe they had been a part of the whole thing. Who knows? All I could tell was that a new group now sat at the other end of the table, Grulg amongst them.
For his part, Turd looked worried. A picture was beginning to form in my mind of what his share in all of this was. In exchange for letting Francois’s men tap their sacred trees, his technology fetish would be well fed. Before you knew it, Turd and his buddies would probably be all pimped out with Cadillacs, PCs, and big screen TVs. It would be only a matter of time before more and more members of his tribe were seduced by technology. If that happened, within a few years they wouldn’t be all that different from us (in a matter of speaking of course).
“YOU ARE STILL ACCUSED, FREEWILL,” the moderator began. “WHAT SAY THE ACCUSER?”
Oh, boy. Turd could still drag me down with him if he wanted. Peace would be maintained, but they could still demand my head on a platter.
Before Turd could speak, though, Grulg growled something at him in a language I couldn’t understand. The others at the table snarled similar vocalizations.
Turd finally spoke, worry still in his eye. “Misunderstanding between us...me...and Tlunta Freewill. Accusation dropped.”
My friends and I let out a collective sigh of relief.
I turned toward the crowd and caught sight of Francois. He noticed me and our eyes locked long enough for me to mouth “Fuck you” to him. I then turned back to the negotiating table with a smile on my face.
“THE CHARGES ARE DROPPED AND STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD,” Glow-ball said, thus making it official. Oh, yeah, case dismissed with prejudice! “AN ANNOUNCEMENT WAS TO HAVE BEEN MADE. SHALL THAT TOO BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD? IF SO, NEGOTIATIONS WILL CONTINUE.”
Oh, yeah. We were back to that. Damn, didn’t Alex say that peace had taken a year to hash out last time? I was really hoping, now that the drama was over and done with, we weren’t going to be settling in for the long haul. I was starting to jones for a hot shower.
Grulg stood and spoke, giving Turd one last snarl before doing so. “New treaty invalid,” he said. Yep, I’d better just change my name to Tarzan and get used to living in the wilderness. “We instead offer Tlunta the Humbaba Accord. We reinstate old treaty as was done by our ancestors.”
Whoa! That was a surprise...a pleasant one too. I once more sought out Francois in the crowd. The look on his face was priceless. I quickly flipped him the finger. No syrup for you, douche bag. Sure, he’d still likely get a seat on the First Coven, but at least he wouldn’t profit obscenely in the process. A small victory, but I’d take it.
“AN OFFER FOR PEACE HAS BEEN MADE. FREEWILL, DO YOUR PEOPLE ACCEPT?”
I didn’t bother to wait for Francois’s asshole buddies even to open their mouths. Alex had told me I was running the show, so it was finally time to take charge.
“We accept!” I said.
With that, the crowd went wild, except this time it was finally in my favor.
A Small Piece of Peace
“PEACE HAS BEEN BROKERED IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE TERMS SET FORTH IN THE HUMBABA ACCORD...”
Awesome!
“THE EXCHANGE OF VOWS WILL TAKE PLACE IMMEDIATELY TO SEAL THE PACT.”
Vows? OK, I guess we need to pledge ourselves to maintaining the peace. Not a big deal.
“AS WAS DONE BEFORE, SO AGAIN SHALL THE LEADERS OF BOTH PARTIES TAKE A MATE FROM THE OPPOSING SIDE AS A SHOW OF FELLOWSHIP.”
Hold on...What?
“Did he just...”
“I’m pretty sure he did,” Ed said, a smirk starting to work its way onto his face.
“Does that mean...”
“THE MATES SHALL BE SELECTED AND MARRIAGE BONDS MADE IN ACCORDANCE WITH EACH SPECIES’ RESPECTIVE BELIEFS.”
Tom started snickering. “Congrats, Bill. Guess you’re a family man now.”
“Fuck you, dude.”
“Yeah, Bill,” Sally added, not bothering to conceal her mirth. “Have fun staying with the in-laws over the holidays.”
“TURD, YOUR CHOICE?”
Turd looked defeated. He simply spat, “Turd’s daughter.”
One of the creatures at the periphery stepped forward. Oh my god. It was over seven feet tall, uglier by far than even my worst blind date, and had tits that drooped almost to the ground.
“That’s going to be one hell of a wedding night,” Ed said.
Assholes, all of them.
“FREEWILL. WHO WILL YOU OFFER?”
“Who...I...” Then an evil thought hit me. I turned to Sally. “Partners forever, right?”
Her eyes opened wide. “Hold on! I swear to God if you...”
She never got to finish the threat for we were suddenly drowned out by a collective gasp from the crowd. What the!?
* * *
I quickly scanned the audience and saw them all facing the same direction. I followed their gazes back to my “bride-to-be.” That’s when I saw it.
A dagger hilt was sticking from her chest, one I recognized. She looked down at it, a confused look on her apelike face, and then, without a sound, fell backwards to land on the ground dead.
I quickly spun around. “Nergui?”
He stood there calmly, his arm still outstretched.
“What the fuck, dude?”
“The princess was specific in her orders,” he said. “None but she are to m
arry the Freewill.”
Holy fuck! That was the thing to snap him out of his compulsion!?
“I have fulfilled my duty,” he continued with a smile. “I can die with honor.”
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Motherfucking Gan!
Before I could turn to address the table, an earth-splitting roar of rage caught my ear. I spun back around to find looks of outrage on all of them. Grulg stood and pointed a massive finger at Nergui.
Ten of the creatures suddenly rushed forward from the sidelines. They descended upon him, clawing and tearing. He didn’t even put up a fight. In fact, he was still smiling when he finally disappeared from my sight. Within moments, I saw the telltale flash of fire that said Nergui was no more. Just like that, he was gone, but the beasts didn’t stop there. They continued to stomp and pound on his ashes.
Oh, crap. How the fuck did this happen? We were so close.
“Listen, Grulg, Turd. I...”
But, it was too late. Turd stood, once again firmly in charge, and screamed, “WAR DECLARED!”
Fuck me sideways with a jackhammer.
* * *
Pandemonium erupted. Howls and cries rose up all around us. Flashes of energy could be seen in the stands as myriad creatures readied themselves for battle. In the midst of it all, I sat back down in my seat, utterly stunned.
“What do we do now?” Tom asked.
“Fucked if I know,” I answered honestly. I again looked around. Aside from Nergui, there didn’t appear to be much bloodshed...yet; however, there was a lot of angry posturing.
Across the table, I saw Turd lunge out of his seat, but several of the Sasquatches present restrained him before he could dive across the table at us. With a nod from Grulg, they began dragging him away...whether to save him from the fight that was about to break out, or for another fate...well, who knows.
I looked up at the glowing orb of death that just hung there while everything went to Hell around us. Maybe there was still a chance to salvage this.
“Excuse me!” I shouted to it, my voice barely heard above the din. The entity flashed once, which I took as acknowledgement to go on. “Is there any way you can...”
“A DECISION HAS BEEN REACHED IN THIS ACCORD,” it interrupted. “UNFORTUNATE THOUGH IT MAY BE, MY DUTY HERE IS CONCLUDED. FAREWELL, FREEWILL.”
“What? Hold on a...”
Before I could even finish that sentence, there was an incredible crash of thunder and lightning. It was utterly blinding and deafening. When at last it subsided, the moderator was gone. Silence returned to the area...for a moment anyway.
“Oh, yeah? Well, fuck you too!” I shouted at the empty space it had occupied just moments ago.
“I’m sure that’ll help,” Sally commented.
“Freewill!” one of the creatures across the table suddenly cried. “Kill the Freewill!”
Another joined in. “Kill the Tlunta!”
Oh, crap.
Before they could make good on their threats, however, a roar drowned them all out. It was Grulg. Fuck! I remembered what he said would happen if we went to war. Suddenly I was once again unsure that any of us were going to make it out of here alive.
Once again, though, Grulg surprised me.
“No!” he screamed, catching many of the Sasquatches’ attention. “This sacred place. Under truce.”
He leaned across the table and looked me in the eye. “Truce remain until sun come up. Leave this place...now!”
Some of the others looked as if they were about to raise a protest, but Grulg shouted them all down. Eventually they began to back off. It was odd. Had it been my side that had the superior numbers, I’m not sure we would have let them walk away to regroup.
One by one, the Sasquatches heeded the order. They turned and left. Grulg was the last to go. Our eyes met just before he turned away. I could have sworn there was the ghost of a smile on his face. In the end, he had gotten what he wanted...his honor. Maybe there was something to that after all.
* * *
The witnesses to this cluster fuck of a peace conference quickly took the hint. Many of them beat feet out of the area. Others disappeared in a flash of light. A few even melted away into nothingness. While this went on, I sat there with my friends, none of us speaking, all of us just watching it happen. Little by little the crowd dispersed until only a few beings remained. At last, a white robed figure caught my eye. Christy was walking toward us.
Tom stood to meet her. I shrugged to Ed and Sally, then rose to join him. Christy had been supportive of me in the end. The least I could do was face the music like a man.
She gave Tom a hug before turning to face me. There was a momentary pause in which I wondered if I was about to get blasted, but then she said, “Just tell me you didn’t plan for that to happen.”
“Not for a second,” I replied.
“I believe you.”
“Thanks. I mean that.” I took a deep breath before continuing. Unfortunately, the next part had to be asked. “So what side are you guys on in all of this? Is it safe to assume whatever one I’m not on?”
She looked thoughtful for a moment. “The magi have traditionally been neutral in these affairs. However...”
“However, now I’m around, the so-called great harbinger of doom, right?”
She nodded. “There is that.”
“Do you believe it?”
“What?”
“That I’m actually going to bring about the rise of these...Icons? After everything you’ve seen, do you really believe that I’m purposefully going to destroy anyone?”
There was no answer at first, but then she shook her head. “No, I’m beginning to think the prophesy must be wrong. Maybe we’ve...misinterpreted it.”
“Although the way Bill’s luck seems to be...” Tom added.
“Tell me about it,” I said to him. “For all I know I’ll open a can of Coke tomorrow...and POOF, it’ll somehow be the magical resting place of an army of infernal destruction.” A little chuckle broke out amongst the group at that.
“Either way,” Christy continued. “I’ll try to talk to my coven. Hopefully they’ll realize we’re going to be busy enough in the days ahead.”
“I appreciate that, Christy,” I replied, meaning every word of it. “Could I maybe ask for another favor?”
“What?”
“Is it safe to say you’ll be apparating out of here, or whether the hell you guys do?”
She let out a small laugh. “You watch too many movies. But yes, we’ll be leaving this place via magical means.”
“Is there any chance you can take Tom and Ed with you?”
At that, Ed started to protest, but I held up a hand.
“Don’t argue. Despite what Grulg said, this place is bound to get unfriendly real fast. Between the Bigfeet and the vampires, everything here is going to want to either squash you, eat you...or worse.”
“Bill’s right,” Sally said, showing almost a modicum of concern.
Christy nodded. “I can do that. It’s pretty far, but I might be able to get a few of my sisters to help.”
“Just tell them Bill tried to eat us,” Tom said, eliciting a chuckle from me.
“Not the way you smell,” I replied.
“Same to you, bro,” he said back. “I wish we all used Dial right about now.”
“What about you and Sally?” Ed asked.
“Don’t worry about us. I’m hoping we can bum a ride with James,” I said, pointing toward the far end of the area where I could see his and Francois’s respective groups waiting. Neither looked particularly pleased.
“Or maybe we can find where Grulg parked our Jeep,” Sally added.
“Yeah,” I said with a smile. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll have gassed us up and washed the windows too.”
* * *
“You’ve killed us all. You realize that don’t you?” Francois spat, breaking the silence.
After seeing Tom, Ed, and Christy off, we had rejoined th
e two groups of vampires waiting for us. We were all walking down the trail leading away from the scene of the failed conference. The woods around us were almost deathly quiet. It was like Turd, Grulg, and the rest of them had simply disappeared. It was kind of spooky to tell the truth.
“He did nothing of the sort,” James replied, stepping between us. “Alas, I fear this may have actually been my fault.”
“Your fault?” I asked.
The Mourning Woods - 03 Page 31