“Yes. I obviously hadn’t thought things through. Gan’s wishes combined with Nergui’s hurt honor...I had no idea the two would prove to be such an explosive combination.”
“Don’t let him off so easily,” Francois said. “Were it not for his meddling, peace would have been assured and we would have all come out of this ahead.”
Sally pointed a finger at him. “Yeah, but you would have come out a lot more ahead, isn’t that right?”
“What of it, you stupid little slut? In matters such as these, there are always winners and losers. Now, though, we are all losers thanks to this inept clod.”
“Don’t blame me, asshole,” I fired back. “This whole thing happened because of you!” James raised an eyebrow at that, so I said. “Yeah, it’s true. This French fried fuck caused it all. He somehow got the Sasquatches to attack the Khan just to set this whole thing up. All so he could become the fucking syrup king of Canada. Isn’t that right?”
Francois stood back and sneered. “So what if it is? What does it matter? I removed an enemy and set myself up for a great reward. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that I’m the first of our kind to do so.”
James’s eyes momentarily turned black at Francois’s confession; however, he somehow managed to control himself. He took several deep breaths before asking, “You risked war over something as petty as monetary gain?”
“Have you not been listening? There would have been no war. This whole conference was nothing but a ruse. Turd and his minions were pathetically easy to bribe. The First’s negotiators alone would have most likely cost a thousand times what it took to sway that lummox.”
“I’m sure they would have,” I said. “But you cheaped out and killed them instead.”
“What?” Francois replied. “Their disappearance was fortuitous, I admit, but...”
“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter,” I snapped. “After all this, are you seriously trying to claim you didn’t have them offed?”
“Actually he did not,” a voice replied from just inside the tree line. “I removed them from the equation.” A figure stepped out toward us. It was Alex. “The act was regrettable, but alas necessary.”
“What the hell!?” I spat, completely flummoxed. However, before I could even begin to digest this surprise “confession,” I realized that Alex, Sally, and I were the only ones still standing. All of the rest, James and Francois included, had fallen to one knee.
“Lord Alexander!” James exclaimed from his prostrate position.
“My liege!” Francois likewise bellowed.
Sally and I exchanged a glance. “Did I miss something here?” I asked her.
“Don’t look at me. I didn’t get the memo either.”
“On your knees!” hissed James. “Do you not know who that is?”
“Uh...no.”
Alex simply smiled and walked over. “Well, then allow me to introduce myself. My name is Alexander.”
“I kind of guessed that,” I replied drolly.
“More commonly known,” he continued, “As Alexander of Macedon.”
The name didn’t ring a bell so I just stood there, waiting for him to continue.
“Son of Philip of Macedon...”
I just shrugged.
Sally suddenly smacked me upside the head. “Alexander the Great, stupid.”
“Oh...OH!” I said, suddenly realizing whom she meant. I probably should have joined James and the rest down on my knees. I was in the presence of a two-thousand-plus-year-old vampire; not only that, but one of the most legendary conquerors of all time. Unfortunately, right then my mouth remembered that it had a mind of its own. Instead of saying something humble and respectful, I asked, “So was your mother really as hot as Angelina Jolie?”
* * *
There were shocked gasps from all around and I realized why. If this guy was as old as I thought, he was undoubtedly one of the Draculas...and they were not known for their sense of humor.
Even Sally took a step back, as if afraid of getting splattered by my impending dismemberment.
Instead, though, Alex actually chuckled. “You do continue to surprise me, Freewill. It is most refreshing, and in answer to your question...no. Had she been, I most likely would have never left Greece.”
“Forgive him, my lord,” James said. “He’s young and...”
“Stupid?” I asked. One didn’t need to be a master of mad libs to be able to fill in that blank.
Alex ignored me, though. He stepped over to where James still knelt. “Ah, Wanderer. It is good to see you again.” He put one hand on James’s shoulder. Oh, crap. I hoped I wasn’t about to see the Draculas’ wrath first hand. It would be totally unfair to make James an example for my failures...not that vampires have any real sense of what’s fair.
Fortunately, rather than do something dickish like that, Alex said, “Rise, Wanderer. The First kneel to no one, not even others of our coven.”
Whoa!
“My lord?” James asked, perhaps the first time I had ever heard him unsure of himself.
“You heard me. I choose you to fill your sire’s place. You have proven yourself more than worthy.”
“What?” Francois hissed, rising. “I protest. This is...”
“This is my will,” Alex said, a tone of threat rising in his voice. “Or would you challenge that?”
A look of fear crossed Francois’s face. He wore it well. It suited the weasely little dick. “No...of course not.”
“A wise answer, perhaps the only one I have heard from your lips since this began. I must say I am disappointed, Francois. This is not the first time you have attempted and failed to betray our race, am I correct?”
“I was just...”
“Fear not. Your death shall not come at my hands. I have a bit of admiration for ambition after all, inept though your efforts may be. Fortunately for you, there will be plenty of chances to prove yourself again in the coming days.”
“There will?”
“Of course. This is your domain is it not?”
“Yes,” Francois replied, a little uncertain.
“Well, I dare say then, you are on the front lines of this war. When the Grendel attack, yours will be the first line of defense standing before them.”
“But...”
“But nothing! You have much to prepare for...NOW BEGONE FROM MY SIGHT!!”
The compulsion was aimed directly at Francois and his men. Such was its force, though, that the trees around us all shook as if a tremor had passed through them. I may be the Freewill and immune to such things, but I had a feeling Alex could’ve popped all of our heads like water balloons had he felt like it. As it were, Francois’s eyes glazed over, as did those of his men. Without another word, they turned and walked away.
“I thought you said...”
“I said it was difficult to compel someone of Francois’s age...not impossible,” Alex calmly replied, turning back toward me. “Now that the refuse has been taken out, I must say well done, Freewill.”
“Well done?”
“Yes. I am quite pleased.”
“Um, you do realize I just started a war back there, right?” I asked. “I thought the Drac...err...First Coven wanted peace.”
“Partly true. My brothers and sisters desired that outcome.”
“I’m not following.”
“What a surprise,” Sally commented under her breath.
“Sally...” James said in a slight warning tone, shutting her up.
“Though I am first amongst equals,” Alex started, showing that low self-esteem was obviously not one of his vices, “I am occasionally forced to acquiesce to the whims of the other First, but not so this time. The opportunity was too ripe.”
“Opportunity for what?”
“To finish what I began two millennia ago, of course. I had half of Asia bowing down before me when an unfortunate meeting in India led to my being turned. As the recently reawakened, I was forced to obey my master and step into the shadows. Helple
ss, I watched as my armies squabbled amongst themselves and eventually dispersed.”
“Yeah, I remember reading about that in history class.”
Alex ignored my interruption, apparently lost in his own thoughts. “I bided my time, gaining strength and power while removing any rivals. At long last, I became the first of the First. After these countless centuries, I knew that it was now time for our people to step forth from the shadows and claim this world as our own...as my own. Alas, the others begged to disagree. It’s been a point of consternation amongst us for some time now.”
He suddenly stepped forward and looked me square in the eye. “When you were born, though, I knew it was a sign, a call to action if you will. We shall rise and conquer, the wishes of the others be damned.”
“Okay,” I replied slowly, feeling the crazy coming off of him in waves. “So you planned all of this yourself?”
“Not entirely. Your reputation precedes you, Freewill. In such a short time, you have developed quite the habit of...how do I say this...”
“Fucking things up?” Sally offered.
“Yes, that will do nicely. You really are astute, my dear. I meant it when I said that earlier. I see a great future for you.”
“Thanks,” she answered blithely. Bitch!
“I knew deep down,” Alex continued, “That by putting you in a position of authority, you would find a way to fulfill your destiny.”
“My destiny?”
“Have you not listened to the prophesies, boy? You are the Freewill, the one who shall lead our armies against our enemies. Well, congratulations, now you have enemies to lead our armies against.”
“That was your blood,” I said, suddenly beginning to understand.
“Of course,” Alex admitted. “I will say it had quite the effect on you, startling in fact. You are everything the legends said you would be. You just require a bit of polishing before you reach your full potential.”
“But...the world, my lord...” James sputtered, still not having regained his composure.
“I already told you, Wanderer, enough with the groveling. We are brothers now. As for the world...the world needs a good purging. It has been far too long since the last great flood or black death. This time we shall remake the world in our own image.”
Sally and I exchanged glances. Oh, yeah, this was not good.
“This is a great day, my friends,” Alex said, clapping us each on the shoulder in turn. “The vampire nation shall rise from the ashes, supreme in a world of darkness!”
Yeah...a world of batshit crazy darkness.
The Awesomely Important Epilogue
The world of darkness would fortunately have to wait. Work was my most pressing concern right now. Our trip back from Canada turned out to be considerably faster and easier than the trip there. Now that the truce was dissolved, we didn’t need to worry about the Sasquatches’ restrictions on technology. After filling us in on his plans for an extreme global makeover, Alex conveniently produced a satellite phone and made a quick call. An hour later, a pair of black, heavily-armed helicopters arrived to pick us up and take us back home. I guess it's good to be king.
Alex and James departed in one, headed for parts unknown. There were preparations to be made on both sides. Despite Alex’s posturing, neither faction was prepared for immediate battle, which I guess was good. I wasn’t quite ready to kiss my own ass goodbye yet anyway.
Sally and I were flown back to the city on the other, being told that the vampire nation would call upon us when it was time. Essentially the fuckers set me up to doom the world and then gave me a “Don't call us, we'll call you.”
We spent most of the trip back in silence, a rarity for us. I knew we were both thinking the same thing, but the vamps flying us were undoubtedly Alex’s men. In such company, it was best not to voice our true thoughts on the “glorious” future ahead of us.
That being said, once back it was amazing how quickly the whole thing suddenly began to feel like a bad dream. Sally and I had the same top priority once we got back...the world’s longest shower (sadly separate). She went back to Manhattan to deal with coven issues...although I suspected her main issue would involve a massive amount of pampering at the hands of Alfonzo (note to self: stake that guy just to piss her off). I made my way back to Brooklyn where I happily found my roommates waiting for me. Christy had made good on her part of the deal. They had even cleaned up that “disintegrate Bill” dust for me. I filled them in on what went down after they had poofed out of there. Tom summed it up best of all.
“What a bunch of fucking cocks!”
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
* * *
Our boss, Jim, was overjoyed at having us back. I was kind of glad too, since that meant I still had a good chunk of my vacation days left. I figured there was no reason to upset him by mentioning that the concept of programming video games was all for naught since civilization was teetering on the edge of total destruction. I’m considerate that way.
Despite my status of permanent telecommuter, Jim asked if I wouldn’t mind popping by the office on a day when I was feeling up to it. He wanted to have a face-to-face to go over existing projects as well as some new priorities that were coming down the pipe from the higher-ups.
He was referring to the, unbeknownst to him, bullshit cover story of my “illness.” For me, though, this meant picking a day when I wasn’t likely to be turned to dust. I quickly checked the weather report (yeah, a gamble I know), discovered it would be overcast on Friday of that week, and set it for that day. It made sense. I could stop in and talk to Jim, then head over to the office to see what shenanigans Sally had been up to.
Knowing what I know now...I should have prayed for sunshine.
* * *
I arrived at the offices of Hopskotchgames around mid-afternoon. My first impression was that they had redecorated. The entire programming floor had been rearranged. There was still the prerequisite sea of cubes, but several open work areas had been created.
One of the database guys, Mike, saw me standing there taking it all in. “Hey, Bill. Heard you were dead.”
“What?” I choked out.
“Just kidding, man. Haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Oh...yeah,” I stammered. The joke shouldn’t have caught me off guard; however, sometimes I get paranoid over the whole undead thing.
“Like the new digs?”
“It’s definitely different. One of the VPs get a bug up their ass about the décor?”
“Nah. Upper management hired these new efficiency experts. Apparently, they made quite the pitch. They’ve been changing things left and right.”
“More management bullshit?”
“Not really. Some of it actually makes sense. Go figure,” he replied. “They’re all here today. You should stick around and meet them.”
“Why would I care?”
“I think you’ll like them,” he finished with a smug smile and said no more. I was about to pump him for more info when Jim spotted us and beckoned me over.
We spent about an hour and a half going over stuff. There was nothing really special to discuss, just your typical A-type personality boss crap: him having a near aneurysm about new priorities and me making assurances. Still, he seemed in a better mood than when last we spoke. I learned it was because he was close to hiring a new admin. The relief coming off of him was palpable. Personally, I could have cared less. There had been nothing wrong with the old admin. In fact, she had been perfect as far as I was concerned.
That pretty much ended the meeting for me. Jim droned on for another half hour, but I didn’t hear him. I was stuck thinking about Sheila and how our potential future had been snatched away...first by her quitting and now by me destroying the world.
We finished up and I said my goodbyes, preparing to head over to the coven. As I was walking out, though, I noticed a few of the executive team exiting one of the larger conference rooms. I remembered Mike’s suggestion. It looke
d like they were wrapping up anyway, so I figured it wouldn’t kill me to wait a few extra minutes. I leaned up against a wall to get a load of the jokers that were here to make us all super efficient worker drones.
And that’s when all my thoughts pretty much ground to a dead halt.
* * *
It wasn’t the sight of our CEO that got me. It was whom he was shaking hands with. No fucking way! It was no wonder Mike had been so goddamn sly. I had been told that my infatuation with our former admin wasn’t exactly a well kept secret. Guess they were right. Suddenly I was glad I had listened to him, smug grin and all.
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