Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit: That Which Destroys Me with The Alternate Ending

by Kimber S. Dawn

  I slam the door to my office locking it before spinning around and glaring at her. I watch her ease slowly further and further away.

  “I do not know what in the HELL you think you’re doing, but IT STOPS NOW!” I roar advancing towards her with my pointer finger stabbing the air with each word. “Are you fucking him? Is that what’s going on? That weaseling author that has been chasing after you since day one.” I’m towering over her tiny frame as I stare into her terrified face. I grab her chin harshly, my fingertips biting into her pale flesh. “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE FIXING YOURSELF! HELPING YOURSELF! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE REALIZING THAT SUBMISSION IS THE KEY TO STOPPING YOUR NIGHTMARES! NOT OFF FUCKING VANILLAS!”

  I release her face and step away from her to keep myself from bending her over my desk and tearing the skin off her ass. I shove my hands through my hair as I begin to pace the length of my office.

  “How am I supposed to come to the conclusion or understand that my submitting to you will stop these nightmares that plague me EVERY damn night since YOU shut me out, WHEN I DON’T HAVE MY DOM TO SUBMIT TOO? Huh? HOW, WESLEY?!?!”

  “How? What?!” I stop pacing and stare at her in confusion.

  No - wait. Why does her argument stack against mine with the same amount of weight? Is it my need to have her tipping the scales? Am I allowing my mind to rationalize something irrational just to selfishly gain what I want - what I’ve been starving for?

  She pulls her shoulders back, standing taller before speaking, “If my submission is essential then how, Wesley, will I ever figure it out without my Dom? A submissive isn’t a submissive without her Dom there to demand she submit.”

  What the hell am I fighting for? I can’t even remember the rationalization behind my argument. All I can manage to do is stare blankly at her and blink, trying to remember why the fuck I thought leaving my sub was the correct thing to do as a Dom.

  SAFE WORD.

  “You safe worded out, Stella! You might as well have cut me off at the knees, not because you used your safe word, but because you used it when you were panicked. You took your trust from me when you read too much into my question. Instead of relying on me, trusting me enough to realize I would not ask a question with intentions of trapping you. What you did, Stella, was total bullshit! You used your safe word to dominate me! Do you not understand that?”

  Yeah! There it is! I knew I had a point, dammit!

  I watch her face as my words settle between us. Confusion, denial, anger, defeat, resignation, shame, all flash across her features. When her eyes slowly rise and meet mine, all I see in them is cold determination.

  In a tone as icy as her mask, she replies, “I understand now. But before you explained it to me?” She shakes her head, “No, I didn’t. I’m entirely too new to this lifestyle to even grasp concepts at that level. You are the only man I’ve been with consensually. You are also the only man I have ever handed my total and complete trust over to. The only man I’ve willingly submitted to. The only man I’ve freely allowed to Dominate me. As my first teacher, Wesley… you let me down. How can the student let you down? HOW!? The TEACHER, the DOM, left HIS student, HIS sub behind to flounder without explanation? Explain THAT fucking riddle and we can try this conversation again!”

  She shoves past me and slams out of my office.

  “Because! You…” I close my mouth. Whatever I say, she’ll just find a way to twist it up and use it against me.

  Well, that and she’s already gone, so she can’t hear me.

  Jesus. Christ. What the hell have I done?

  Her words batter around in my chest and my mind.

  There is no way I can effectively refute her argument.

  I left my angel, and I let her down.

  Chapter 30

  No Choice

  I don’t even know where to begin with that five billion piece jigsaw puzzle of loop holes-finger pointing-rigmarole he just tossed in my lap! The hell? I cut him off at the knees? No motherfucker, you cut yourself off at the knees by cutting me out!

  He has to be high. That is the only damn explanation I can honestly swallow. Anything less is an excuse he made up in his mind because he got scared and didn’t have the balls to tap out while looking me in my face.

  “Holy mother of God! The father of my child does drugs. Either that, or he’s lost his damn mind.” I declare out loud staring at a wall in my living room.

  “Oh! Stell, come on! He is not a druggie and he hasn’t lost his sanity either. He did what he, stupidly, thought was the right thing to do. Should he have talked to you first? Hell, yes! You want to know why he didn’t? Because. He’s never been in a relationship that lasted longer than twelve damn hours.” Trina flops down beside me on the couch.

  “Are you taking his side? Seriously, T?” I narrow my eyes on hers.

  “I’m just being the voice of reason, bitch. Take it or leave it.”

  “Whatever. I hate you. I mean I love you, but I really hate you for drinking in front of me. A sip would not hurt the baby. I’m just saying.” I reach for her glass but she’s much faster than me. Doesn’t even spill a drop that I could suck up.

  “No, probably not. But a sip… Will only piss you off, sister. You forget. You can’t bullshit me. I know you better than you know yourself, girl.”

  “Pssh… Whatever. I’m going to take a damn shower.”

  After I walk into the bathroom and start stripping, I glance in the mirror before stepping into the shower; but I’m frozen still when I see my reflection.

  “Oh my GOD!!!!” In my boy shorts and sports bra alone I haul ass into the living room, screaming, “Trina! You said I had months before I started to show! I look six months pregnant, not three!”

  I round the corner and yelp, “Oh shit!” When I find Bo, Eve, and Jude all standing by the front door. I quickly make eye contact with Trina and beg her wide, blinking eyes with mine in vain.

  Please tell me they didn’t hear that, sissy. Please! She knows me too fucking well, she nods.

  SHIT!

  *Clears throat* You see, the thing is, after my friendly ‘Hey! You’re pregnant!’ doctor visit with Dr. Thomas, I immediately informed Trina, Bo, and Eve of my, ahem, ‘diagnosis’. It was over my homemade chicken parmesan, and it was… Yeah, my chicken parm did nothing to soften the blow. They were just as shocked and horrified as me.

  Now… I also sort of kept seeing Jude. Not anything serious, just… you know, we went on a few dates. *Shrugs* He may have taken it a little more seriously than I did. So, sue me.

  Smiling as brightly and insanely as the woman on the ‘Black Hole Sun’ music video, I say, “Hey! Everyone! Wow. This is… Wow. Exciting, huh?” I look back over at Trina and her and Eve are just shaking their heads. “Okay. So, I don’t feel so swell. Just… I need to hide - I mean shower! I need to shower.” I spin on my heel and carry my ass back to the bathroom as quickly as I can.

  Of course - Of course! - Jude reaches me before I can get the bathroom door shut and locked.

  He shoves his way into the bathroom effortlessly despite my attempts at shoving the door closed on his face. It was his black boot shoved between the door and the door jam. Damn boot; can’t move those damn things…works every time.

  The torment on his face affects me like a slap across my face, I stumble back, gasping under the hand I have covering my mouth. I’ve never seen him look anything but cocky, flirty, and confident. Stark anguish stares back at me.

  “Why? Why him? Why not me, babe?” His desperate whisper tears at my heart.

  “Jude, it’s always been him. I never promised you anything other than a Saturday night here or a lunch date there. Please… Don’t make this harder than it already is. You’re a great guy. I’m nothing. I promise. Nothing. If you knew even a fraction of how fucked up I am, you would run so damn fast away from me.” I laugh at myself but it sounds as empty as it feels.

  He shakes his head, his steel blue eyes never leaving mine. “I do know you. So much—“ He cuts hi
mself off and looks down. “You had a choice, babe; and I really wish you would’ve chosen different. Why do you always make things harder for yourself?”

  His question confuses me until I remember the topic. The baby. He wants me to get rid of the baby. My hands slide protectively over my small baby bump.

  “No.” I shake my head. “That’s where you’re wrong, Jude. I’ve never had a choice. Not once in my whole life have I ever had a choice. You don’t know a damn thing about me. If you did, then you’d know that with Wesley, I never stood a chance in hell against him.” I open the bathroom door. “And I for damn sure never had a choice. Goodbye, Jude.”

  He nods and turns… And then he leaves.

  Chapter 31

  Red & White

  Looking back on the decisions I made throughout the course of my life; all were what I - even now - consider accurate decisions reflecting that period of my life. I can easily look at each individual decision and justify every one.

  Except for the one most important decision I ever had to make: When I set my Beauty up to fall, I did so based wholly on my need for revenge. She deceived me, made me fall in love with her, I placed her on a pedestal so high, she mattered more to me than even I mattered to myself. And, in the end, I allowed my hate and my love for her to decide her fate. Not rational thought.

  So when I found her in the girls bathroom surrounded and covered in the very substance I craved in return for the redemption she owed me - the sharp contrast of her translucent pale skin against her dark congealed red blood caused euphoria to hum through me. Pure elation, so unlike anything I’d ever felt before, made me feel as though I was soaring. I leapt to my feet shouting out joyfully only to realize seconds later how fleeting that happiness turned out to be.

  I shoved her back with my boot. When it didn’t revive my joy, I spat on her before jumping and landing on her back with both feet. I jumped on her like a trampoline for several seconds before hopping off, shouting, “It’s all your fault. You asked for this! You deserved this! Fucking wake up and look at me! Where are those eyes of every color at now, huh?! You tainted your pureness by allowing that man to fuck you. I’m only doing you justice, Beauty, I’m only staining your skin the color of pure driven snow with the blood of your trespasses! Do you see me now?!”

  Her labored wheezing gasps of breath coming only once every thirty seconds registered with my anatomy and physiology knowledge, instantly spurring me into action.

  I grabbed the first girl I saw standing outside the bathroom, “My sister! She went in there, I think she was bleeding. Please! Go help her.” She nodded before scurrying inside. As soon as the door closed behind her, I ran as fast as I could, slamming into the school office out of breath. It took me a moment to stutter the words out. “A-A girl, she came from the bathroom s-s-screaming someone was dead. I-I came as fast as I could! She said…” I pretended to shiver, “…S-She said there was blood everywhere. I-I think she tripped on her.”

  Moments later, I sat perched atop the school watching as paramedics attempted to resuscitate my Beauty in vain. It was only when I witnessed the man covered in a sheen of sweat who was in charge of chest compressions step back and shake his head as they loaded her on a gurney into the ambulance, that I realized how wrong of me it was to make a decision based on my emotions.

  Tears streamed down my face as I sat watching my Beauty be carried away, ironically in a vessel flashing lights of red and white.

  Chapter 32

  Investigation

  I’m glad this shit fuck week is finally over. On the other hand, I’m pissed as hell another week has come and gone and I’m still left with no answers and no Stella.

  Finally! Derrick has new information!

  I grab at the pages, yanking them from the damn fax machine before they can print the page number at the bottom.

  Who the fuck needs page numbers?! WHO?

  After I lay all eight pages out on my desk and assemble them in what I’m pretty sure is the correct order, I sink into my chair. A Fresh bottle of scotch as my only companion—I pour my first tumbler full, swallow a huge gulp and let my eyes fall to the collection of pages in front of me… And I know without a shadow of doubt they are about to fuck me up.

  Stella Jolie Reese

  DOB June 10 1988

  Female

  Caucasian

  Height: 5’7

  Last documented weight: 134 lbs

  Hair color: Brown

  Eye Color: Hazel

  Marital Status: Single

  Mother: Unknown

  Father: Fredrick Reese- found murdered 1/4/96 at 31 yo age. Police files indicate seven yo daughter (Stella Reese) was the only witness. All evidence concludes to the child committing the homicide in an effort to evade her father’s sexual abuse—Child has no recollection of the events which occurred and refuses to answer questions related to possible shock. Charges were never filed and child was placed in therapy. CPS placed child in the foster care system where she was placed in a foster home.

  Fred Reese- Sole guardian and named on birth certificate as biological father.

  After the occurrence resulting in the patient, Stella J. Reese, being admitted to ER via EMS in 1997, Pine Bluff DA was interrogated by State of LA resulting in the reinstatement of case number 102.561, The State of Louisiana vs. Reese—Manslaughter 1stdegree (Minor stipulations prevented charges being filed.)

  The collaborative investigation between PBPD and the State of LA remained an ongoing investigation until autopsy reports of the exhumed body returned with nothing but circumstantial evidence.

  However, during a meeting between State of LA and neighbors, four of the initial nine now recalled seeing a navy Ford Bronco in the Reese’s driveway. No one recalls seeing the vehicle there before or after the date 1/4/96. No one recalls seeing the person driving the vehicle.

  The case is re filed Unsolved/Cold Case due to lack of evidence.

  FOSTER HOMES w/ Listing of ALL members living at residence the same time as Stella Reese:

  Pine Bluff, LA

  (1996-97)

  Mr. & Mrs. Sims

  Blake and Jenny Sims, married in 1988, no children of their own, began foster care program in 1994.

  The Sims residence was a four bedroom three bath ranch style home in the Prairies Estates neighborhood.

  At the time Stella Reese was placed in this foster home, there were two other children living there since 1994.

  1) Jeffery Pierce

  Male; Caucasian

  DOB: 9/10/86

  Hair/Eye Color: Blond/Blue

  Parents died 12/24/93 in Motor Vehicle Accident or MVA caused by a drunk driver swerving into opposite lane and hitting the Pierce vehicle at an estimated speed of 55 mph head on. When officers arrived at the scene there were no survivors.

  Jeffery Pierce was taken by the state and placed in the LA foster care program in 1994. He was the first child fostered by Mr. & Mrs. Sims.

  Initial Psych evaluation by the state of LA found the patient’s mental evaluation WNL (Within Normal Limits) related to his developmental stage.

  Annual follow up evaluations:

  1995: Patient diagnosed with depression and speech impediment. Therapy with a parish counselor and speech therapist was initiated for weekly sessions. State of LA will continue to monitor patient’s progress and work closely with counselor and speech therapist. Follow up in one year.

  1996: After six months of weekly therapy sessions, the counselor’s six month evaluation showed dramatic progress and little to no depression symptoms noted. Therapy continued for six months. Patient’s Psych evaluations by the state of LA were found Within Normal Limits related to his developmental stage.

  Speech therapy continues.

  From 1997-2002 Psych evaluations by the state of LA were WNL (Within Normal Limits) r/t his developmental stage.

  Child was removed from Mr. & Mrs. Sims foster care after an incident with another child, Stella Reese, which resulted in the foster parents b
eing removed from the program. When the child was questioned about the incident he stated, “I never knew nothing like that. I never seen it. Hey, can I have a coke?”

  2) Preston Stone

  Male; Caucasian

  DOB: 6/29/86

  Hair/Eye Color: Brown/Blue

  Preston’s file goes back to ’88 when authorities were called to an armed home invasion. Four adult residents were found shot point blank to the chest. The fifth adult resident was found in the hallway grasping a telephone with four gunshot wounds to the back. 911 dispatcher was still on the line found in victim’s hand. The only survivor was eighteen month old Preston Stone found in a back room.

  Child was placed in the foster care system. In 1995, he was moved to the Sims foster care home related to his previous foster care provider being deceased. Cause of death was ruled positional asphyxiation during sleep.

  Initial Psych evaluation by the state of LA in 1988 states mental and emotional state were WNL (Within Normal Limits) r/t his developmental stage.

  Psych evaluation by the state of LA from 1989-1997: Other than continuing speech therapy for ongoing Selective Mutisim being displayed by patient, all evals were found WNL (Within Normal Limits) r/t his developmental stage.

  Child was removed from Mr. & Mrs. Sims foster care after an incident with another child, Stella Reese, resulted in the foster parents being removed from the program. When child was questioned after incident he was unable to verbally answer related to his diagnosis by state psychiatrist and speech therapist of selective mutisim. When child was questioned using written questions, all answers were consistent with Jeffery Pierce’s leading investigators to the belief neither male children were targeted by Blake Sims sexual assault.

  Psych evaluation by the state of LA 1998: ***Patient's mood, thoughts, and behavior are highly unusual and disorganized compared to previous psych evals. Patient Therapy with a parish counselor initiated for weekly sessions. State of LA will continue to monitor patient’s progress and work closely with counselor. Follow up in one year.