by M Dauphin
“I know, Al,” he finally responds, sighing and wrapping his arms around me. “We’re taking this one day at a time. Savoring every moment we have with each other. We’ll get through this, but I don’t want to spend any more nights without you. I don’t want to wake to an empty bed. I don’t want to wonder where you are. It sounds… fuck it sounds selfish, but I don’t know how much time I have left…” he trails off and I let a sob escape at his words. “I know, baby… I know. It fucking sucks, and the not knowing is harder than knowing, but what I do know is that I need you, Al. I need you.”
I’m crying so hard now at the thought of him dying and leaving me here alone that I can’t respond to him so I don’t. He lets me cry, holding me tight as I cry myself to sleep in his arms. The best place I could possibly think of to fall asleep, and I might not have it for that much longer. Drifting off to sleep, the last thing I remember is Lane’s lips on my forehead and his promise to me that he’s promised since the first day of our friendship so many years ago.
“I’ll never do anything to hurt you, Al. I love you.”
Lane
One week.
That’s how long I’ve waited to start Chemo. One week, and it’s been a hell of a week. I’ve been poked and prodded; scanned and listened to. They’ve done about every test possible that they could do just to make sure they’re treating this cancer the best way possible. When I sat down with the doctor a couple days ago to go over every option I was blindsided by his news. I guess somewhere deep inside I knew it was bad, but I’d been holding on to hope that it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I guess I thought I’d be able to do a round of chemo, maybe a surgery or two to get rid of the tumors and I’d be good to go.
Unfortunately, I’m not that lucky. The cancer has metastasized and spread to my brain.
My mother fucking brain.
It’s in my bones, it’s spread to my spine. It’s everywhere. There’s treatment to help lessen the pain and make me comfortable. The treatments also will help with possibly beating it, but I’ve been given just a few months tops. Had we caught it just a few months sooner I could be looking at a full, healthy life after beating this thing, but I didn’t. I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t get normal checkups like I should have, so here I am, with pancreatic cancer that’s spread throughout my entire body, regretting every bad decision I’ve ever made.
That explains the recent development of headaches and dizziness. That appointment was terrible and I hate that Al and Braydon had to hear it at the same time I did. That night we all went back to my place and stared at the TV and before we knew it, it was 3 a.m. and we’d went through an entire 24 cans of beer. Alexis sat snuggled into me, every now and then a silent tear would stream down her face. On the other side of her was Braydon, sitting stone faced and barely breathing, staring at the movie but not paying attention. The two people I love most in this world and I can’t even make them happy. Hell, I’ve noticed how their moods have plummeted recently and it’s so fucking wrong that they have to go through this too.
My life is ruined. Theirs shouldn’t be.
“You ready to get this going?” the nurse announces as she bounces into the room. Today is day 1. They said they’ll be putting a port in soon so I don’t have to be stuck every time I get treatment, but for now I’ll just be hiding the holes on the arms and doing clothes only shoots.
The job is still going surprisingly well. I’ve had some painful days and some weak days, but all in all this last week has been pretty good. I’m still able to get enough shoots and work in to keep myself busy. Hopefully I take this treatment well and don’t have to take off from working, but from what I’ve read, it’s more than likely going to kick my ass.
“Let’s do this,” I say, mustering up the courage I thought I had. As I walk back to the room with her and I notice my hands starting to shake. This whole process today will take a few hours and Alexis had some work to get done so she’s going to be up here soon. They won’t let her in the room with me anyway when they prep me so I reassured her a million times that she’s fine meeting me up here. I’m ok doing this on my own. I can do this.
She’s been so fucking amazing through all of this. Every night she lays in bed with me, every night she falls asleep in my arms. There’s nights we make love, but I’ve been so tired by the end of the day that I’ve fallen asleep before her, but she doesn’t complain. She wakes with me and we get ready in the morning together. I know she’s eventually going to have to go back to her apartment, but for now she’s happy just being with me, and that means the world to me.
Braydon’s taking it harder than I thought he would. He’s pulling away and I feel it. I know he cares, but I also know his mom went through cancer and it wasn’t pretty. I’m sure everything I’m about to go through is too close to home for him. I can’t imagine what my friends are going through, but I’d rather focus on their well being than focus on the shit that I’m about to be put through.
“Just a pinch,” the nurse says, finally preparing the IV. Looking out the window, trying to hold back the anger beginning to rage through me, I close my eyes and grit my teeth through the ‘pinch’, as the nurse calls it. Shit.
I don’t want to open my eyes to see it. I don’t want to watch the meds start to drip through the tubes. I can’t. So I don’t. I close my eyes and within minutes can feel the cool burn in my veins. Well this sucks. My brain keeps flicking to the burn, but I try to block it out with anything and everything I can. Bringing back everything from my life I wish I did differently.
Starting with my family.
They are a great family, I’m sure. I spent eighteen years with them and they never did wrong. From a small town just outside of Chillicothe, Missouri, my family was like any other middle class family. We did dinner together every single night. My siblings and I all got good grades in school, and weekends were family oriented. My parents were married. My parents were in love.
My parents are related.
“Hey,” Alexis’s voice breaks the silence in the room and her hand rests on mine. My eyes immediately flick to her and I see her staring at the IV with the saddest look on her face. I just want to wipe it all away, but my arm hurts and I have to stay here for the duration of the treatment, which will last hours apparently. Jesus, this sucks.
“Hi you,” I say, mustering up a smile. The thought of my family brought back all kinds of unwanted feelings I can’t shake. Add that to the list of things that have been a game changer lately and I feel like I should be contacting them about this.
Alexis takes a deep breath and sets her purse on the table nearby. She pulls out her iPad and grins at me.
“So… since these days are going to be happening more and more often, I figured we could start binge watching Orange is the New Black.” Her smile is courageous but her voice is anything but. She’s trying for me, which makes my heart swell with love for her. She doesn’t have to be here, but she is. She’s here for me because she loves me.
She loves me.
“I love you,” I say, catching her off guard. Grinning, I love that look on her face. The one that’s so innocent and pure.
Her smile tells me everything I need to hear.
“I love you too, Lane,” she says, leaning in for a quick kiss, then pulls a chair next to me and starts the show. Her fingers find mine gently, and as she laces her small hands in mine I get the urge to cry, because if this medicine doesn’t work… if the poison they are pumping into my system currently doesn’t work to get rid of this disease…. I might not have much longer to feel like this with her.
Why didn’t I tell her sooner?
“Time’s almost up, Lane,” the nurse comes into the room as cheery as she did before. I’m not sure how she can do this job day in and day out and not get depressed. It’s so sad, seeing all the cancer patients in the hallways, shuffling around without hair… without any muscle mass… fuck, that’s going to be me.
Shit.
“Great. I need a burger
.” I’m starving and can’t stand the hospital food they offered me. Alexis brought snacks but neither of us were hungry enough to eat with the nerves rolling through us. Well… nerves for her… poison for me.
“That’s good. You’re going to need to up your calories now that you’ve started this.”
“Ha-ha… no can do. The job depends on these bad boys,” I say, patting the six-pack I’ve created with hard work. I’m going to make sure I keep it up too, through the treatment. I can’t lose this image. I’ve worked too hard for it. I’ve worked too hard to be where I am in the modeling world and nothing’s going to stop that.
The nurse’s eyebrows raise and she nods with a fake smile on her face.
“Okay,” is all she says before checking the dosage and meters on the machine I’m hooked up to. “I’m gonna get this out of you.”
Alexis moves to the other side of the room as the nurse starts to work, unhooking, unclipping, and removing the IV. I flinch when she pulls it out, feeling the burn of the medicine. I see Alexis move and glance over at her, watching her hand go to her mouth and her eyes fill with tears. She’s not looking at me, though. She’s looking at the nurse and watching her with such sadness.
Fuck.
She can’t come to these with me. I don’t want to ruin her. I don’t want her image of me to be the man hooked up to these machines. I have to get out of here.
“I’m good to go?” I ask, making a move to stand. Al immediately comes towards me and I give her a warning look. I don’t mean to, but I don’t want to look weak. I can do this myself.
“Yes sir. I’m sure the doctor has gone through all the side effects of the treatment with you. As you’ve probably been told, this is a rough drug to normalize on, so don’t be worried about feeling ill, possible hair loss, and lack of appetite. It’s important to keep your calories up, but with your type of cancer, you also need to watch what you eat. Dr. Stanley has already given you a list of food to watch out for, right?”
I nod, gritting my teeth because I’m starting to feel dizzy and don’t want Alexis to see me this weak. I’m not sure how long it takes for the side effects to kick in but I need to get home so she can go home and not see me this way.
“Great. Then,” she says, looking at Alexis. “You’re good to go. Just stay close by. He’s going to need you.” She smiles at Alexis and nods at me before leaving the room.
“You good?” Alexis asks, walking towards me.
“I’m good. Let’s hit it.” Smiling, ignoring the ache in my arm, I take her hand and we walk out of my first ever chemotherapy treatment.
It went better than I thought it would. I definitely psyched myself out for it being terrible and painful the entire time, but with Alexis next to me, laughing at the show and holding my hand, it was easier than expected. Sure, there were times I could feel the burn, and having an IV is no fun at all, but she made it easier to handle.
“So. Day one done. What’chu feel like eating?” Her smile is actually happy and carefree as we hit the midday sun.
“I’m not hungry anymore.” Suddenly ready to go home, I just want to get to my bed and stay there the rest of the day. I can’t believe this is happening to me, and I can’t believe that I thought for a moment that I’d be the golden one that never got sick from chemo. Of course I’m going to get sick from it. Everyone does. Everyone loses hair, everyone loses muscle mass… everyone that goes through chemotherapy has a terrible quality of life.
Shit.
The entire walk down to her car I have my hat pulled down over my face and my hands in my pockets. She knows the drill. Walk a few feet in front of me to make sure there’s not any crazy fans waiting for me… or in this case, to make sure the news crews haven’t gotten wind of my condition. I’m not ready for that announcement yet. I know it’s going to come sooner than later, but I need to take this one day at a time. Today, I just want to be with my girlfriend.
“You just said up there that you were hungry, Lane. You need to eat something.” She’s giving me those begging eyes I hate and love so much. The eyes that tell me she’s going to be heartbroken if I tell her no but she’ll never actually beg me with words because she’s too tough to do that. She’s my Al. Of course she’s going to be tough.
“I’m just tired. Can’t you just take me back to my place? I’m thinking a nap is in store.” I grin at her hoping to get her to concede… I just want to snuggle her. I also want her out before I start to get sick. I also want to not have cancer.
I guess sometimes we don’t get everything we want.
“I’m getting you food and you’re going to eat it. If you don’t want to go out somewhere, that’s totally fine, but I’m not going to let you whither away just because you’re sad.”
“I’m not sad!” I try to laugh but it hurts and she just shakes her head.
“Right. And I’m not a woman.”
Her smartass comeback makes me laugh which just makes it hurt even more. She just laughs and grabs my arm gently, walking right by my side on the way to her car. I like this with her. No… that’s not true… I fucking love this with her. I love the feelings of just being an everyday, ordinary couple. I know that’s not true, though. I’m Lane Sheridan, a huge L.A. model, recognized everywhere I go. She’s my beautiful, smart, sassy, hot as fuck manager/best friend/ girlfriend, and she’s helping me get through this cancer that’s starting to eat away at my life.
Nope. Not ordinary at all.
Alexis
Today I watched my best friend go through his first round of chemotherapy.
Today I gained a strength and courage I never thought I could have.
Today I fell more in love with Lane Sheridan. I fell more in love with a man who’s dying.
Watching him go through that was heartbreaking. When I walked into the room I felt like I was going to break down in tears before stepping any closer to him. Seeing him, so beautiful and pristine, sitting in the chair hooked up to the machine that was pumping toxins into his body. It was all a little surreal. Like I was walking into another dimension. I didn’t want it to be real. I didn’t want to blink and have everything still there. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare that was watching my best friend… my boyfriend… start to battle cancer.
Cancer.
Cancer, in one way or another, affects every American in their lifetime. Unfortunately for me, I happen to be in love with the one person in my life that has to have the wretched disease. Life isn’t fucking fair. I used to daydream about being with Lane when we’re older, raising a family together… I used to daydream about a future with him and now I can’t wrap my head around the thought of him being with me a year from now. I’ve always had that problem. I’ve always thought of the negative before the positive. I dwell on it. My friends all know it, hell I know it, but I can’t help it. It’s a trait that I can’t shake even when I’m trying. Like right now. Watching him wince in pain in the passenger seat of my car, all I can dwell on is the fact that I can’t help him and I’m losing him slowly, rather than be happy that he made it through his first day and is still walking strong. Sure, I’m putting on a good front for him, but inside it’s killing me.
I’m losing him.
Being in the cancer center today was heart breaking. Every single walk of life came in through those doors today. Parents, grandparents, children… people of all ages, shapes, sizes, ethnicity… proving to me that cancer doesn’t discriminate. Not one bit, and it’s not ok. It’s not ok for one disease to be able to completely ruin someone’s life like this. And it’s not just ruining one person’s life, it ruins everyone’s life that’s affected by it. I’d never in a million years tell Lane my worries with his struggle, but to be honest I’m worried. If he doesn’t work, I don’t work. If he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid which means I don’t get paid. I’m not about to take money from him when I’m not working for him. If I don’t get paid I can’t afford my apartment, then everything goes downhill from there. If I can’t afford my apartme
nt I would have to move back in with my parents, and that can’t happen. I need to be here for Lane. I need to.
By the time we get inside the house, Lane’s about ready to pass out he’s so tired. I’m not used to him being this lethargic, but today he did go through a lot. I did a little research on cancer once I found out but I don’t remember reading how long it’s supposed to take for the side effects to start setting in. Is it going to be right now? Tonight? Or will it wait until after his next treatment to really start to kick his ass? No matter the answer, I’m going to be here for him. I have to. I need to be… if not for him… for me.
“Hey,” he says, laying down in bed. “Come lay down with me,” he whispers, closing his eyes and patting the bed next to him.
As much as I’d love to lay down next to him, he needs food and I haven’t grocery shopped for him in a while. I know the minute I lay down in that bed I’ll be done for and that’s not going to help him get food. He needs to eat.
“I’ll be back, babe. Then I’ll snuggle you for the rest of the day,” I whisper, leaning in and kissing his head gently. “I love you, Lane Sheridan.”
“I love you too, Al.”
I feel the tears start to well in my throat and before I start to cry in front of him I book it out of his apartment. Quietly closing the door behind me, I turn and rest against it as the tears start to fall.
A person can only be strong for so long before they break. I’m strong in front of Lane. I’ll try my hardest to always be strong in front of him. It’s a vow I made today watching him sit there in that chair and not complain one time about the poison they were pumping into him. No groans or whines, no grunts or sighs. He was strong, so I have to be too.