Static Mayhem

by Edward Aubry

  Glimmer took them down the hill and a little way up the bank, toward a bridge. It was a stone and mortar bridge, wide enough for two, maybe three people to cross, abreast and on foot. Harrison felt it was unlikely to have been part of the infrastructure of the power plant. The mortar had flecks of something glittery in it, which Harrison guessed to be flakes of mica, until he realized that the glittery effect was in constant flux, not coming from fixed sources. At the foot of the bridge, Glimmer stopped. She faced the group of humans.

  "Okay," she said. "The door is on the other side of that bridge. Not far at all. Before anybody goes over there, we need to review the rules." She looked around, taking in all their faces. "Who can tell me rule number one?" Everyone except Alec raised their hands. "Apryl?"

  "Don't eat anything."

  Glimmer nodded. "Very good. Rule number two?" Again, six hands went up. "Claudia?"

  "Seriously, don't eat anything."

  "Good!" said the pixie. "No faerie food! It's okay to have a drink, though. Right, Jake?" She looked at the boy, invitingly.

  "No, Ma'am," he said.

  "Correct! Once we cross that boundary, nothing goes in the mouth! Everyone clear on that?" They all nodded. "What else?" They all looked at each other, less confident, looking for clues in each others' faces. Jeannette, Hadley and Harrison raised their hands. "Cap'n?"

  "No gifts," he said. Apryl nodded.

  "That's right," said Glimmer. "Take nothing from anyone you meet in there. Why is that, Doctor Lee?"

  "Because faerie gifts always come with strings."

  Glimmer let that linger in the air for a few seconds. "That's right," she said seriously. "Do not take these rules lightly. Faerie is the most wondrous place any of you will ever, ever see. You'll be telling your grandchildren about this, and they'll be telling their grandchildren. But make no mistake, the fey folk are devious tricksters, and you are all going to walk into their world looking like easy marks." Then she smiled. "But we know better. Oh! One last thing. You'll be meeting the king and queen. The only acceptable forms of address for them are Milord and Milady."

  "What about Your Majesty?" asked Harrison.

  "No, no, no!" She waved both arms for emphasis. "Not unless you want them to think you're being sarcastic. That's what Puck calls them when he's trying to be a dick." She took a deep breath. "All right." Harrison anticipated final words of inspiration before she led them into her foreign world.

  "Lose your iron," she said.

  They stood still, unmoving, waiting for the statement to make sense. "What?" Harrison asked, once it became obvious that sense was not forthcoming.

  Glimmer frowned. "Lose your iron," she repeated. "Didn't we cover this? Faeries can't abide it. Anything you have that's made of iron can't go any further than this."

  Harrison blew out a sigh, and refrained from commenting on pixies who withhold vital information until the last possible moment. Even Hadley seemed surprised by this rule. "Why don't you have a problem with iron?"

  "Hey," she said. "This isn't about me. It's about you." He scowled. "Look," she pointed out, "not all fey folk have the same hang-ups, okay? Iron's not much of a pixie issue, but it gets to the faeries real bad. And, well, there's a reason we call the place Faerie. They pretty much run the show. So, please, lose the iron."

  He took off his watch, and his belt. "Let's do it, people," he said. He held out his hand to Jeannette, who also removed her watch.

  "Is gold all right?" Jeannette asked Glimmer, looking at her wedding band.

  "Sure it is!" said the pixie. "Faeries like gold. Silver is good, too."

  Harrison went next to Apryl, who was also wearing a watch. She handed it to him, then lifted her shirt up. As she did so, he made the connection that she was wearing the same black T-shirt and tie-dyed skirt she had on when he first met her. She removed a ring from her navel. As she handed it over, she smiled at him, and he was pretty sure it was because he was blushing. She reached around behind her back with one hand, then reached into her left sleeve with her right hand, pulling a strap off of her shoulder. She repeated the procedure on the other sleeve, but this time she kept pulling, so that an entire black cotton bra came out. She handed the undergarment to Harrison, humming a cheerful little tune. Harrison could only imagine the color of his own face by now. "Hooks and underwires," she explained. Harrison looked back at Jeanette, who shook her head.

  "Sports bra," she said. "No metal."

  Then Apryl leaned down and unbuckled her sandals, which she kicked off. This triggered a realization, and he looked at his sneakers, which had metal grommets on the lace holes. He couldn't be sure what they were made of, but he had to assume stainless steel. He kicked off his own shoes. The ground felt surprisingly forgiving to his stocking feet. "Check your shoes for metal, everybody," he said.

  He collected two more watches from Alec and Hadley, who had both also removed their footwear and handed over their belts. Alec also reached into his pocket and pulled out two keys on a chain. Harrison wondered what they opened, but evidently, whatever it was, Alec did not find it embarrassing enough to talk about, because he handed them over without remark. Hadley handed over shoes, belt, and a small spiral bound memo pad and pen. Then he removed his glasses. These last he surrendered very reluctantly. Harrison wondered how bad Hadley's vision was. The scientist said nothing, however, so Harrison had to presume he could see well enough to keep going. Jake handed over shoes, belt, and a tongue post. Claudia was wearing no jewelry of any kind, no belt, no bra, and sneakers with Velcro straps, so she gave him nothing. Harrison put each person's belongings in his or her right shoe, and lined up the shoes and belts at the base of a tree. He turned to Glimmer. "Okay," he said. "That's it."

  She had her arms crossed, and looked displeased. "Ahem," she said, and pointed down. Harrison looked at his feet, clad only in socks, and offered her his best shrug. "Little higher," she said.

  He looked at his pants. He was wearing jeans, with clearly visible rivets. "Oh, great," he said. He looked around at everyone else's pants. No one else seemed to have the same problem. He rubbed his face. "You really, really, should have mentioned this at the transport." He faced away from everyone, undid his pants, and pulled them off. He was wearing dark green and navy plaid boxer shorts, and took a microscopic amount of solace in his choice that morning not to wear white. If he had to lead his troops into Faerie in his skivvies, he would at least do it in style. He also took a moment to reflect on how grateful he was to be wearing boxers with a button fly. He turned to face them, ready to rise to this unforeseen absurdity. Jeannette and Alec had already removed their pants, too. He looked at them in shock. Jeanette read his face.

  "We all have zippers, dear," she said.

  Of course. For a moment, he thought they were giving him a show of support. He was actually grateful it did not have to come to that. Jake was clearly mortified, but dropped his pants as well. He was wearing white briefs, and Jeannette was wearing plain white panties. Harrison had a quick and guilty flash of pride in his own style by comparison, until he saw Hadley's paisley boxers. Alec, unable to squander an opportunity to humiliate himself, held up his shirt to show off his leopard-print bikini briefs. He did this with one hand, while making a clawing gesture with the other. "Grrr," he said, looking around. Several people groaned.

  Apryl's skirt had a drawstring, whose ends were knotted and uncapped. She was off the hook. Harrison was glad someone was. He waited for Claudia to lose her jeans, too, and only then noticed the look of dread in her wide, brown eyes.

  "Claudia?" he said, as gently as he could. "We're all in the same boat here. No one is going to do or say anything mean or inappropriate." He held his own arms out. "See? Look. No dignity. We'll all look silly together, okay?"

  "I'm not wearing any underwear."

  For a moment, no one moved. Harrison's arms were still out, and he slowly brought them together, rubbing his hands in thought. He turned to Jeannette and Apryl. "Suggestions?" he asked.

 
; "Turn around, boys," said Apryl. Harrison took Alec and Jake and pointed them both at the bridge. Hadley had already turned his back. The four boys watched the river trickle by, as quiet but unmistakable sounds floated from behind them. A zipper. The rustle of cloth. Harrison caught Jake ever so slowly swiveling his head to the side and kicked the boy in the ankle. He stood up straighter and focused intently on something on the island.

  "Thank you," said Claudia.

  "We're done," called Apryl. The four men turned back.

  Claudia was wearing an expression of utter relief. And a tie-dyed skirt. It hung just bit lower on her than it had on Apryl, and Harrison observed that Apryl was now wearing matching black T-shirt and panties. She noticed him noticing her and gave a little wave.

  "Are we good now?" Harrison asked Glimmer.

  "We're good," she said. She glided over the bridge. For a second, no one moved. Then Harrison set forth with a purposeful stride, and everyone hustled to keep up with him. No one could see that his hands were trembling.

  The door to Faerie was a few dozen paces past the other side of the bridge. If not for their guide, none of them could have guessed it was there, She led them to a pair of trees. They were congruent, mirror images of each other, and they stood straight up, with no branches for the first fifteen feet at least. Above the heads of the humans, the trees' limbs reached out across the gap and intertwined so that it was hard to tell which leaves belonged to which plant. They formed a near-perfect arch, and although the arch itself was remarkable, nothing else about the trees was. Harrison could see straight through the opening under the arch, and as Glimmer flew around the trees in a circle, he could clearly see her passing behind them. He saw no obvious advantage to walking between the trees over walking around them, and could not understand why anyone would even go to the trouble of growing this door. He assumed that faeries were sticklers for ceremony.

  "This is it?" he asked.

  "This is it! Is everybody ready?"

  Before anyone had a chance to answer, the opening clouded over. Glimmer seemed to have expected this, and she backed off. The misty doorway shimmered, and two tiny people popped out.

  Harrison's immediate reaction was that they looked like Glimmer.

  But not really.

  They were the same approximate height, and like the pixie, they bore translucent wings on their backs. Unlike Glimmer's, though, these wings were white and more evocative of a wasp's wings than a butterfly's. Glimmer, in her natural state, radiated a sparkly glow, which Harrison had always found comforting. These beings, too, glowed, after a fashion, but it was a misty, halo kind of glow, like the full moon passing behind a cloud. The color of their skin was paler than hers, almost snow white, their ears were pointier, their eyebrows were pronouncedly sloped, and in other, subtler ways, their appearance was, overall, less human. Their build was far lighter, as well, which was obvious, since they were both naked. One was male and one was female, but apart from their evident (and hairless) genitalia, it would have been difficult to distinguish which was which. The male had narrow shoulders, the female narrow hips. The male had a slender, feminine face. The female had only barely discernable breasts. They both had shoulder-length hair, golden to Glimmer's silver, but no body hair of any kind.

  These, then, were the faerie.

  "Turn back," said the male to Harrison. Harrison immediately registered a number of details. First, the faerie had instantly singled him out as the leader. Second, he was not using Glimmer's voice trick, but actually speaking. His voice had a faint edge of helium, but it still came across as assertive. Third, and most importantly, Harrison did not hear a threat in the faerie's words, but simply instruction. If that were the case, they weren't in trouble, yet, and he hoped his instincts were on. He opened his mouth to reply, but Glimmer beat him to it.

  "Acorn?" Harrison looked at her and saw a happiness in her eyes he had never seen before. These were, if not precisely her people, at least her own kind. She was home, and the obvious ramifications of that clutched at his heart. He wasn't ready for that.

  At the sound of her voice, both faeries whirled, then they gasped out loud. They had not seen her yet. This seemed impossible to Harrison, yet it was clearly so. They stared at her, uncertainty in their eyes.

  "Acorn?" she said again, and Harrison wasn't sure which faerie she was addressing. "It's me. Glimmer." She smiled nervously.

  The male flew to her, scrutinizing her face. Her little eyes were wide, and Harrison finally caught on that she was actually more apprehensive than he was about this venture.

  "Acorn?" she said a third time, more softly.

  Suddenly, his eyes grew bigger than hers. He turned to his companion. "The pixie is here," he said. Then to Glimmer, "Milady is expecting you." He looked at the humans, as if for the first time. "Bring your party." With that, both faeries flew back into the mist. It did not dissipate.

  "Friend of yours?" asked Harrison, hoping he could tactfully ascertain what had just happened.

  She shrugged. "We had sex a bunch of times. You'd think he would remember me." She gave him a plaintive look. "I'm memorable, aren't I?"

  It was a no-win question, but he answered it anyway. "Of course you are." He knew, given their ambiguous relationship, how that might sound to the others. Let them think whatever the hell they want. He changed the subject. "Why are you expected?"

  "I don't know." She looked fraught. "Why am I 'the pixie?' I should be 'a pixie.' Shouldn't I?"

  Harrison had no answer to that. He held out his hand, and she took it with three fingers and a thumb. He bore the stinging shocks and they walked through the door to Faerie.

  * * *

  Faerie was unreal.

  Harrison was still standing in the forest. Except for that one fact, everything else was completely alien. The trees were a bit like the purple and green veined ones he had seen in what Glimmer called the buffer, but more so. Everywhere he looked, the landscape was in a kind of weird soft focus, particularly at the periphery of his vision. He felt a mild dissociation and was unpleasantly reminded of the state of mind he had in his worst fevers. He felt drugged, and a slow panic started to build. He turned around and saw that all of his companions had come through. From the looks on their faces, at least some of them were having some trouble, too.

  "It'll pass," reassured Glimmer, and as she said it, he could already feel the effect diminishing. No, that wasn't quite right. The effect was a constant, but his negative reaction to it faded. It was feeling more and more right to be here. "This way," said the pixie, and they followed her.

  As his head became clearer, or at least more acclimated, he started to notice the denizens of Faerie as they went about their business. Once, he had imagined fey taxonomy to be neatly compartmentalized into five varieties, which Glimmer had listed for him: faeries, pixies, brownies, elves, and sprites. This had seemed manageable to him at the time. What he saw here was nothing like that. There were many, many of the little winged people like the two they had met at the door, but apart from that, no two creatures here seemed to belong to the same species. There were tall, wiry people with sharp pointed ears. Fat little beasts that sat and laughed at them as they passed. Little people with long, spindly limbs. Hundreds, maybe thousands, of little floating lights of every color. It was impossible for Harrison to tell which of these might be sprites or elves or brownies, and he soon gave up even wondering. At one point, he was sure he saw Susan, the naiad from New Chicago. She was nude, and she was giving him a come-hither look, and he promptly went thither. Glimmer blocked his path. "It's not her. Focus, please."

  One thing he did not see, to his surprise and her obvious dismay, was anyone who looked like Glimmer.

  Most of the rest of the group seemed to be feeling as much trepidation as Harrison. Jeannette seemed fascinated by much of what she saw, but the others were jumpy, suspicious, disoriented. Claudia grabbed his arm at one point and complained that something was taunting her, but she was unable to point to where the cr
eature had gone.

  Glimmer led them along paths through the woods, and more than once, Harrison longed for a camera. Dwellings for tiny and varied creatures were carved, or grown, directly into the living trees. He smelled a multitude of glorious foods cooking everywhere he went, and wondered how bad it would be, really, to take a little bite. Bad enough. Don't even think about it.

  "This is all wrong," Glimmer said at one point.

  "What is?" said Harrison. He tried to see wrongness around him, but he had absolutely no way of knowing what she was talking about.

  She pointed. "That's the palace."

  Harrison looked up. He saw no palace, just more trees. He studied the growth, and suddenly the form leapt out. The palace was entirely grown, like the doorway to this realm, like the little houses he had already seen. This structure was grand, easily fifty feet high, and the width of half a city block. Its walls were woven branches, born on heavy trunks, its roof a canopy of leaves. It was a miracle of organic architecture, all curves, no obvious symmetry, every bit as alive as its inhabitants.

  "What's wrong with it?" he asked.

  "It's too close," she frowned. She stopped and looked all around her. "And too small."

  "The palace is too small?" He tried to imagine it bigger.

  She shook her head. "Faerie is too small."

  She went ahead, anyway, leading them to her monarch. Harrison was a little surprised by the lack of faerie escort, but he knew he should not expect anything here to be logical, so he went along with it. He turned back. "How's everyone holding up?"