On A Personal Note: Take a moment and think about your own experience of safety. In what areas of your life do you feel the need for an increased sense of safety right now? Write these down and as you read further, look for suggestions on ways to help you make safety changes for yourself.
Find or Build Good Support Systems
Dr. Levine explains, “With the support of friends and relatives, we gain a powerful resource for our healing.”8 For that reason, one of the first questions we ask partners of sex addicts is if they have someone in their lives who is walking with them in their pain. Sadly, far too often partners tell us there is no one who seems safe enough to trust with this secret.
Consider Family Members or Close Friends If They Are “Safe”
Unfortunately, even family members on whom we can count during other difficult times may be unable or unwilling to provide the support we now need, because the problems of sex addiction come wrapped in such explosive issues. Tessy’s encounter with this painful truth is unforgettable.
Tessy comes from a large, loving, close-knit family that loved and accepted her successful husband. Then, several years into her marriage, she discovered her husband regularly had sexual encounters with random men and he had no plans to stop. That news alone shattered her world. Desperately needing empathy and support, she turned to her family members, trusting the qualities they had always held. Unfortunately, Tessy’s already shattered world was further desecrated by their responses: The entire clan told her that neither she nor her children were welcome among them unless she chose the family over her husband.
Other stories we’ve heard reveal disappointment, a continued lack of comfort and care. Myra said, “I haven’t told any family members. I have trusted a few close friends, though time and/or their insensitive remarks have weeded them all out. People are inpatient for me to ‘get over it.’”
Still, some partners are blessed with family members or friends who have “grace in their guts”: people who understand failure and pain from living out their own human experiences. People of this caliber can be counted on when you need them. But for most of us, determining our safety in sharing details of our trauma with those we love can require a process that includes time and great care. Here are some helpful guidelines and methods which can help you decide who, if anyone, in your world has what it takes to help you through this time:• “Safe people” reflect a spirit free of judgment. Think back to conversations you’ve had with individuals you might consider as candidates for your emotional support. What have you heard them say about others who have “failed” in some way? Are they critical when people fall short?
• “Safe people” have “grace in their guts.” This doesn’t mean they have no values or morals. It simply means they understand that we all fail at times and in those times what we need most is an extended hand to help us up. Often, people with this kind of grace have known their own failures and found their ways back from it.
• “Safe people” honor your right and need to make your own decisions. Such people do not withdraw their support if they disagree with some of your decisions.
• Try “testing” the safety of your relationships by revealing a bit of personal information to people, one individual at a time, then wait for their responses. Safe people recognize that such shared information presents an invitation—a bridge—into another’s inner life. Generally, safe people will not only honor what you share with acceptance and grace, but also they, too, will trust you with a bit of their inner realities. If you find that when you “test” the safety of your relationships in this way you end up doing all the sharing, you more than likely need to go outside your everyday relationships and build special connections elsewhere that will see you through this present trauma. Consider finding new support people who aren’t presently invested in your life or marriage.• Call counselors in your area and ask if they know of experts in dealing with this issue with whom you are able to connect.
• Research local counselors who specialize in sexual addiction and/or trauma, call them and ask if they will consider starting a support group for a few people dealing with this issue.
• Call local places of worship and ask if they have support groups to help people process their grief or loss.
• Call your local crisis line and ask what resources in your community might help meet your needs.
• Research online for telephone support groups for partners of sex addicts if you fail to find appropriate ways to have your needs met locally.
Consider Your Minister, Rabbi or Other Clergy if He or She is “Safe”
Sadly, not all pastors understand sex addiction, nor do all respond with gentleness and care when they encounter this issue in their parishioners. However, some do. As you consider the safety of seeking the help of your pastor, his or her history with moral failure in the lives of others provides the best gauge of how he or she might respond to your situation. Consider the following guidelines as you try to evaluate your pastor’s ability to walk with you through your pain:• How has your pastor handled other situations where couples have experienced problems or trouble?
• Ask religious leaders where parishioners seek counsel when they have a problem. • How is this subject talked about in your church, synagogue or mosque? Is it talked about or is it a taboo subject?
Find a Counselor Who Specializes in Sex Addiction or Trauma if Possible
Sadly, even some counselors fail partners of sex addicts, because they lack specific knowledge and understanding of this problem. Even those who’ve received training in sex addiction sometimes fail to understand a partner’s side of this issue. You need a counselor who is trained, experienced and knowledgeable about sexual addiction’s impact on a partner.
Partners with whom we’ve communicated have reported a wide range of responses from counselors they’ve consulted. Some are even told that partners’ sexual addiction presents an opportunity to spice up their marriages, so they should not only accept the extra sexual activities, but they should also join their spouses in them! For one who is experiencing post-traumatic stress, such advice gives little solace.
Here is a list of some guidelines you can employ to find a counselor who is the right fit for you:• Do an Internet search using word combinations such as the name of your town or city plus “counselors dealing with sex addiction” or “partners of sex addicts support groups.” If you live in a small town, you’ll likely have to search using the name of the nearest larger town or city. Carefully read the Web sites of any mental health professional or counseling centers your searches produce.
• Call organizations or ministries that might deal with this issue—and get referrals and recommendations for counselors who might be equipped to help you. Again, do an Internet search using their names and the name of your city, then closely read their Web sites.
As you look at each site, look for facts and details that might indicate the counselors you’re considering understand and have experience treating sex addiction and/or have skill in helping people heal from trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder. Then prepare to call the counselors whose sites bear evidence that they might be able to help you. Before you call, think through communicating a clear message stating as briefly as possible that you are dealing with your partner’s sex addiction, you’re experiencing trauma and you’d like to ask them a few questions about the possibility of working with you. You will more than likely have to leave this as a message and await their return call.
Prepare for the counselor’s call in advance. We suggest that you formulate and then ask two or three questions over the phone when you have the opportunity to speak with the mental health professional directly. This set of questions can help you narrow your search to those who seem best equipped to help you heal. Questions to consider asking include:• Have you had any training in the dynamics of sex addiction?
• What is your comfort level in working with the partner of a sex addict?
• What is your th
eory or framework in helping a spouse of a sex addict cope and heal?
• Have you worked with clients who have experienced significant betrayal trauma?
• Are you trained in dealing with trauma?
Take notes as counselors respond to your questions so that you will be able to refresh yourself later on each professional’s experience and qualifications and determine which counselor might be a good fit for you.
The next step is to ask the one or ones who sound most promising if you can spend thirty minutes with them in a no-charge meeting to evaluate how working together would meet your needs. Good therapists will welcome an interview, because they know that no one counselor can possibly meet every potential client’s needs.
Remember, this search needs to focus on finding the right counselor who will help you heal. Just as you would search for the right surgeon if you needed major surgery, you must also search for the right counselor to help your mind, heart and body heal from the toll trauma has taken on you. Know that you are worth it.
Next, prepare well for the evaluation interviews you will have to make your final decisions. As to working with a mental health professional, take with you a list of questions you want to ask the person. Some will likely be unique to you. Others you might want to ask include:• Do you know and understand sex addiction well enough to realize the addict will probably lie to you, too?
• How do you handle an addict’s disclosure?
• What therapeutic methods do you use to help a client heal from trauma?
• Can you help me heal from this experience?
Another important element you’ll need to evaluate during these interviews encompasses the counselor’s personality and ability to adapt to your needs. Years ago when Marsha finally dealt with the pain and confusion of childhood sexual abuse and its thirty-five year effect on her personality and life, she followed the steps just mentioned as she sought the right counselor for the work she needed to do.
Marsha says, “Of the three I finally interviewed, one stood out as perfect for me. Throughout our work together, her wonderful wisdom and skill helped me cross over a wide and deep gulch in the innermost recesses of my soul. The work we did together set me on the path that eventually led me to do the work I do today.”
We hope that your experience will end as positively as Marsha’s did. However, should your search fail to lead you to a helpful counselor, we suggest you take your search to the Internet once again. This time, sift through potential candidates who offer long-distance interaction via telephone. In our increasingly electronic and virtual world, counselors are employing such means to provide help for people in healing.
You May Need to Educate Your Support System about Trauma’s Effects
As you evaluate a potential support system in your life or seek out a new one, keep in mind that most people do not have experience understanding trauma and its effect on you. Finding caring, supportive people presents a big enough challenge. Don’t be discouraged if you need to educate them a bit about your trauma’s impact so they can understand the feelings and symptoms with which you’re dealing.
Join a “Partners of Sex Addicts” Support Group
History shows that during the Holocaust, some concentration camp survivors broke into tightly knit pairs and groups, instinctively creating the support that enabled them to survive. They knew that doing so would contribute greatly to their abilities to endure some of the most traumatizing conditions in history.9 And so it did.
“Often, fellow victims provide the most effective short-term bond, because the shared history of trauma can form the nucleus for retrieving a sense of communality,” says Levine, author and trauma specialist. “…In a group, patients can start re-experiencing themselves as being useful to other people. Ventilation and sharing of feelings and experiences promotes the experience of being both victim and helper. Even a trusting and secure relationship with a therapist who serves as a parental substitute does not necessarily enable the patient to assess his or her relationships with others accurately.”10
Dr. van der Kolk states, “At first they use each other as mirrors to reflect traumatic memories and feelings, which allows a shared reliving of the trauma. Making the past public permits each…to find personal meaning in the traumatic event....By hearing others express their emotions verbally, and by learning how others manage to deal with the aftermath of trauma through reflection rather than action, many…become capable of using similar maneuvers to deal with their own helplessness and pain.”11
We heartily agree. We need the opportunity to share and connect with others who understand our unique brand of pain, because they’re experiencing similar hurts themselves. The bonds we forge with sisters and brothers on this journey lead to accelerated healing and renewed self-esteem by decreasing anxiety and restoring courage, hope and meaning in our lives; most of the partners we’ve worked with readily agree. Several with whom we’ve spoken share some from their experiences with groups.
After Myra’s group ended she told Marsha:
The group set me free and put my feet on an educated path. Now I’m finally capable of experiencing joy again. It’s been a long time. I no longer feel alone, nor do I still believe it’s all about me. Discovering that other sex addicts play the same head games with their husbands and wives began to dissemble my false beliefs.
After her telephone support group one day, Kelly said:
Marsha, today it seemed as if we were all sitting at a table sharing and caring for one another. Your leadership in guiding each of us to “check in” on ourselves is an impacting part of the group. I’m learning that it’s hard to pull myself out of the hole long enough to view where I am, but so necessary. The group makes that possible.
Again and again we hear messages like this one Barbara received: “Thanks again for all of your help. Being in a group of women who have experienced the same painful situations is extremely helpful. It helps validate the many emotions I feel. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I didn’t have your help.”
Qualities Found in Healthy Groups
Unfortunately, some groups lack the elements needed to make them healthy places to work through your pain. As you research potential support groups for your own healing, look for these group and facilitator qualities:• A group facilitator who has experienced his or her own betrayal trauma because of a spouse’s sex addiction can be very helpful. Personal experience with pain like yours enables a facilitator to respond as one who has been there personally and is able to fully understand your struggles.
• A group facilitator who gives the group meetings his or her highest priority by consistently showing up and being a caring and active leader. Of course, at times special arrangements must be made for illness or other life issues.
• Participants who actively engage in a shared process, whether it is working through a healing workbook, reading and discussing a book that everyone is reading or engaging in some other program that leads to your healing and empowerment. • Participation and sharing on specific ground rules that keep the identity of participants and everything they share confidential from outsiders.
• Maintaining an environment of safety so everyone present engages in active listening and refrains from cross-talk. Cross-talk includes interrupting another person when he or she is speaking or giving advice.
In a healthy group where boundaries are encouraged, a bond develops over time and participants establish their own levels of comfortable interchange. However, the facilitator remains responsible for ensuring the safety of participants’ boundaries and keeping the group safe.
On A Personal Note: As you read about support groups for partners, what thoughts or feelings occur to you? Does the idea of a group encourage you or frighten you? What steps can you take right now to find means of support for yourself like a good support group?
Seek a Doctor’s Help if You’re Struggling with Depression or Anxiety
Many partners find that their sadness and loss starts a
deep slide into depression and/or their fears grow into anxieties, especially when marital solutions remain in the distant future beyond their reaches. For a few, depression plunges them deeper still until death offers the best solution for their lives.
If you find these side effects of trauma begin to interfere significantly with your ability to cope, turn to a psychiatrist or medical doctor for help. There’s no weakness in needing antidepressants or anxiety medications when trauma has devastated your world. As we learned in chapter 5, such trauma can alter your brain chemistry; when that happens we’re blessed to live in an era when the medical world can provide pharmaceutical help.
Nancy told us, “When I couldn’t get out of bed and get my kids started on their days, because I was so depressed, I called my doctor. He prescribed an antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds. As my daughter said when she tried to encourage me:
‘Giving birth is normal, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need some help to get past the pain.’ She helped me realize that using medication to make it through this trauma wasn’t a crime.”
An Additional Word about Suicidal Thoughts or Feelings
If you have a history of suicidal thoughts or attempts in the past, know that your risk factor may be greater right now. Finding a caring professional who can help you navigate through this time becomes doubly important. If that isn’t an option, call your local crisis hotline (usually a phone number may be found in the front of your local phone book) or call a national hotline such as the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK. One wise old saying is that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. From her own experience, Marsha can tell you that even though you may feel as she did, that you are entering in the darkest night of unbearable pain, life does get better in time.
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse Page 13