Self-Check: Please take a moment and honestly answer these questions: • Do you find you have thoughts of wanting to escape, get away and/or disappear?
• Do you have times when you think you’d be better off dead?
• Do you have thoughts of wanting to take your own life?
• Have you had similar thoughts in the past?
• Have you ever acted on these thoughts?
If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these queries, it is very important that you talk to someone immediately about your depression. Contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at the toll-free number we listed, your counselor or others you can confide in. Talking about your feelings can help you heal; hiding these thoughts can worsen your feelings of depression or hopelessness. Talk to a mental health professional, clergy or other advisor right away.
Create the Boundaries You Need to Feel Safe in Your Home Again
Earlier we suggested that you ask yourself, “What do I need to feel safe in my home again?” Though many of your answers to that question will likely bear similarities to other partners of sex addicts, others will be uniquely your own. Answering this important question requires going “inside” yourself and searching for what is needed for healing to begin. Understanding how safety, triggers and boundaries form three parts of a whole helps assess what is needed more clearly.
Triggers
Triggers are the situations, events, actions, behaviors or people that cause your sense of safety to suddenly evaporate when they enter your space. Triggers can vaporize feelings of safety and make healing from trauma extremely difficult or impossible. Learning what triggers you is an important step in re-establishing your sense of safety.
Boundaries
Boundaries are the imaginary lines we draw to keep certain things out of our space or our lives. Drawing boundaries can feel challenging and scary at first, but in time we recognize they provide the kindest, cleanest way to ask for what we need and to take responsibility for good self-care. Think of boundaries as a shield that is raised to block arrows flying at you, often quite unexpectedly. These arrows hold the potential to rip you apart unless you use your shield to successfully block them.
Safety
If triggers are the arrows and boundaries are your shield, safety is what you gain when you become skillful at using your shield to properly intercept the arrows. Let’s take that metaphor one step further and examine how you can use the mental picture it creates to make your home feel safe again, because only in that safety can you hope to begin to heal.
A Shift in Focus from Making Your Partner Stop to Creating the Boundaries You Need to Feel Safe Communicating Your Boundaries
Creating boundaries with the goal of making spouses “stop” certain behaviors places us in a sort of distasteful parent/army sergeant/police officer mode that embroils rebellion and is destined for failure. On the other hand, when you kindly ask for what you need in order to once again feel safe, you place yourself in a position of vulnerability. For example, when a man loves his wife and his heart toward her is tender, her vulnerability softens him and he wants to help her feel safe in their home and in a relationship with him. Kindness and vulnerability are key.
What Do I Need?
However, before you can communicate your boundaries vulnerably, you must determine what boundaries you need. So let’s begin with the simple question, “What do I need?” Those four little words launch an exercise that has empowered many to recognize their triggers by identifying what they need in order to feel safe and to vulnerably request that their needs be met as they seek to take responsibility for working toward their own safety.
Toni, whose story opened chapter 5, discovered newfound strength and a sense of empowerment after she did this exercise and shared it with her husband. He found it helpful as well, because then he knew exactly how to help his wife feel safe and loved as they worked toward rebuilding their marriage. We share three items that appeared on Toni’s list to give you an idea how another partner worked through and expressed what her heart needed to begin to feel safe again.
Three of Toni’s Needs
• I need complete honesty, the total truth, no lies, no deceit and no deception. I need this now instead of your telling me a little bit now and a little bit later, because “you think” I don’t need to know because it’s unimportant, or it will only upset me and it would be better to tell me later.
• I need a home free of all pornography and sexually addictive behaviors. I need peace in my home.
• I need you to create firm boundaries when you are around other women, to make good decisions, taking the “high road” and not having any personal or inappropriate conversations with other women. When you take risks with other women, I feel that you are taking risks with my heart and I don’t feel safe.
Identify Your Triggers and Consider Boundaries to Block Them
Now it’s your turn. Begin by making a list of the things that trigger your fears, pain and insecurities. Give it thought and do your best, knowing it will never be complete. Next, honestly ask yourself, “What do I need to feel safe in regard to each trigger?” We reveal several things that partners often find triggering, along with sample boundaries they have shared with us.• Computer: “Knowing that certain boundaries are in place (i.e. computer lock or some other filter) gives me peace that these things aren’t entering my home when I’m not there.”
• Movies: “We don’t go to movies anymore; we rent movies. Rather, my husband does. I don’t go in video stores either, for the same reasons. My husband takes responsibility for staying sexually sober and looks away when he encounters sexual stimulation, but not going to movies is about me,” one mental health professional shared with us. “Those scenes trigger my pain. Avoiding triggers that cause me to spiral downward is one way I take responsibility for my own needs. I take responsibility by creating the boundaries I need and then act on them. This practice is empowering and it allows for my healing, for his healing and for our healing and stability as a couple. It’s worth it.”
• His or Her Work-Related Travel: This can present one of the biggest challenges couples face, because frequently these business trips had been filled with a variety of instances of acting out sexually. Each couple needs to think through and determine what boundaries must be put in place to protect their marriage and the sexual addict’s sobriety. More than any other area, this one may require help from your counselor or clergy.
• Video Stores: “I don’t go there; that’s just the way it is,” one partner said. “It’s been eleven years, but the stab of betrayal still hurts when it’s triggered. I think it will always be there. Because of the betrayal, I see things I didn’t see before. Things that were never triggers prior to discovering the addiction suddenly became triggering to me, and that has to be okay, because that’s the way it is.” When one young couple faced the wife’s triggers around television, movies and videos, her husband, who is now in recovery, told his wife, “I don’t have eyes for that anymore.” Yet in speaking with her, it was clear that she still does. That’s simply a consequence and at least a temporary loss that resulted from his sexual choices. It’s not about him anymore; she knows she needs this boundary in order to heal.
A client shared that their family now uses a special DVD player called ClearPlay for home viewing of movies. ClearPlay enables you to watch movies, but it removes sexual content, making the triggering problem much easier to deal with.
• Malls: Many partners of sex addicts find they don’t enjoy shopping in malls anymore because of the seductive posters on store windows and the omnipresent lingerie stores. One woman shared that if she really needs to go to a mall, she goes directly to the necessary store and doesn’t window shop, because doing so stirs up old pain as well as anger that our society uses sex and the female form to sell everything from soap to automobiles. “My peace and stability are worth too much to me to subject myself to that kind of stimulation,” she said.
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Vacations: Vacations raise a host of issues for many couples, especially beach vacations and cruises. Many men openly report that summer in general presents the hardest time of year, because women’s attire reveals more flesh. Like work-related travel, vacations must be dealt with by each couple one vacation at a time. If stability and healing remain the goals, consequences lose some of their sting. Beth said that when she encounters a beautiful young woman and the old discomfort of triggers begins to happen, she tells herself, “God, when I see this woman I feel afraid. But you created her and she’s beautiful in your sight. She’s not the enemy. She’s someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, perhaps someone’s mother. Please help me to see her as your creation and to not feel afraid.”
Plan for Triggering Situations
What do you need to do to take care of yourself if you experience a trigger? What are you going to do if you see your partner’s acting out? These sticky situations don’t have to become ugly scenes if you’ve thought about them and discussed them in advance.
Abby’s husband often went into a gregarious, flirtatious mode when they were out and he was around other women. His behavior hurt her deeply and she was angry about that. She thought through and began to plan for how to take care of herself the next time it happened. She made a decision. Before they left for a party one night, Abby calmly shared her decision with her husband: “If you begin your Don Juan routine tonight, I want you to know I am calling a taxi and leaving immediately. Consider yourself warned, because I will follow through.”
Our grandmothers said, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Nowhere is that wise old saying truer than in life with a recovering sex addict. Even so, there’s no guarantee that the follow-through won’t become messy. But even if it does, it creates an opportunity to talk about and learn from the experience later when things settle down.
Some partners find they become so triggered in supermarkets that they now have trouble grocery shopping. There are some triggers you might be able to avoid while you heal. There are others that need to be removed from your life, because they are simply too damaging to you, at least at this point. Know that you are worth it and prioritize your healing.
On A Personal Note: Take a moment and write out the things or situations that are triggers for you. This will be an important list for you to work through with your therapist or other counselor.
Do You Need Sexual Boundaries With Your Partner?
Many partners find that even thinking about sex with their addict spouses carries a whole set of triggers, fears and discomfort. In group one evening, one woman said it would be as if every woman her husband ever fantasized about or had sex with was in the room watching them, were she to have sex with her husband. She decided there was no way she could have a sexual relationship with him under those conditions.
Others feel an immediate need to connect physically to re-establish the viability of their sexual bond after their partners have broken it. What do you do if you feel this way?
Although it’s tempting to let down your guard and relax your boundaries, necessity demands realism about your physical and emotional safety. Can you know for certain that your partner has stopped acting out? If not, sexual boundaries are not only okay, they are also wise, at least until both of you are tested for STDs and receive clean bills of health. Some partners go one step further and wait until after polygraph testing to re-engage sexually.
We offer these guidelines to help you think through what you need regarding physical intimacy:• Touch can be a trigger, so talk with your spouse about kinds of touch you find comfortable and uncomfortable, safe and unsafe.
• If you want or need physical intimacy, consider using other kinds of touch to make that connection until you’re certain the acting out has stopped. Begin with loving, non-sexual touches like hugs or backrubs to help determine how safe or comfortable you feel with your partner’s touch. If that feels okay, move slowly from there.
• A final caution: If you can’t be certain your partner has stopped acting out with others but want to engage in sexual intimacy, do what many others choose to do: Practice safe sex. Use condoms to protect yourself against sexually transmitted diseases. Remember, there is no such thing as safe sex outside of a monogamous relationship.
Do You Need A Temporary Separation? In-Home Separation
Many partners suddenly need more privacy following the discovery of their partners’ sexual betrayal. Some need the person to move out, at least temporarily. Others prefer an in-home separation, so they set up boundaries that will help them minimize the triggers the sex addict’s presence stimulates. By limiting exposure or interaction with that person for a time, a partner creates buffers that enable him or her to calm down so healing can begin.
If you find you need a similar arrangement, use your creativity to build your own buffers. Here are some ways to do this: • Sleep in separate rooms.
• Schedule meetings to discuss finances and the children.
• Temporarily eat at different times and do laundry separately.
• Arrange for times when you each have the house to yourself.
Though arrangements such as these can be awkward and cumbersome, if you can’t relax and begin to heal otherwise, take responsibility for your self-care and ask for what you need. Your healing depends on it.
Actual Temporary Separation
For those who find they need more physical separation, actual time spent apart can help in several ways. It can help the wounded partner begin to heal and to regain a sense of safety. It can allow time and space for the addict to begin rebuilding a sense of trust. It can also create an end to the old and a fresh start for the new.
Sophia found the time she spent apart from her sexually addicted husband important. She describes it this way:It took separation before I could feel safe again in my home. Once I regained my safety, we began to see each other and slowly increased the frequency and length of our visits. I found that because he was working on his own problems simultaneously, he began to relate to me in healthy ways. As he consistently respected my boundaries, I became safe enough to let him back in, a little bit at a time. In that newfound safety, my trust began to grow. It’s nothing short of a miracle that we’ve been able to establish a new, healthy marriage!
What Other Boundaries Do You Need?
Because some triggers are uniquely your own, they require unique boundaries that might not be the same for other partners of sex addicts. One woman felt triggered every time she got in her husband’s truck, because that was where he acted out with other women. “Would you like him to sell the truck?” Barbara asked her. She asked incredulously: “Can I do that?” Together they worked out a way to communicate what she felt and what she needed. She arrived at her next session smiling broadly and announced: “The truck is gone!” From that day on, she reported increased confidence in asking for what she needs.
Lucy also struggled with a unique trigger that she asked us to share:As I prepared after much healing to make a recommitment to our relationship, I knew I couldn’t make it in our home, because that’s where he acted out. To me, it represented his addiction. So I told him how living in the house triggered me. We ended up selling our home and building a new one. For us, it has become a monument to our love, to my forgiveness and healing and to my renewed commitment. Taking responsibility for what I need opened a door for our brand new marriage and life.
Though we can’t guarantee doing this hard work will heal your marriage, it will make space for your safety and eventual healing.
Practice Good Self-Care
Incorporating good self-care activities into each day helps us take responsibility for meeting our own needs so we can cope with the upheaval our spouses’ sexual addictions have created in our lives. For many of us, however, finding the time and energy to prioritize ourselves may not come naturally or easily. Yet caring for ourselves proves mandatory to manage the burden of stress and to think through and make the decisions and choices w
e face.
The Three Components of Self-Care
Good self-care encompasses the three aspects of our beings: the mental/emotional, the physical and the spiritual.
Mental/Emotional
It’s easy to overlook the importance of nurturing our mental and emotional well-being. Yet without good self-care in this area, it doesn’t take much for us to spiral downward and fall apart. Prioritize caring for yourself mentally and emotionally:• Give yourself time-outs from the stress.
• Say “no” when you need or want to.
• Continue a routine as much as you are able.
• Spend some time with people who love you.
• Talk about your feelings with safe people.
• Don’t take responsibility for the other partner’s behavior, no matter what that partner says.
• Don’t make major life decisions in the midst of the emotional upheaval.
• Care for yourself the way you would care for a friend who had been deeply hurt.
• Read about sexual addiction so that you understand it enough to make wise decisions.
• Do things that season your life with “fun,” even if they don’t feel as good as they normally do.
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse Page 14