Remember always that God is a big God. He is the God of the impossible and He is not bound by our human perspective. Nor does he bother conforming to man’s solutions or his statistics. He holds the power and the healing creativity to write unlimited redemptive endings to your story. He can take you from pain and barely surviving to a place of wholeness and thriving.
Story Nine
My husband and I have been married for almost fifteen years and have been in recovery for about nine. When he first started his recovery process, things got extremely difficult—more difficult than they had been before, even with his addiction going unchecked. For the first several months, he went to his group weekly, while I sat at home trying to cope with having no one to talk to. He came home from group meetings lighter, happier, having gotten love and acceptance from the other men. I quickly became resentful. It was his addiction that was tearing my world apart, and I seemed to be the only one suffering from it. I had no one to talk to—no one who understood.
When a group became available for me, it was such a godsend to finally find other women who understood what I was going through—who didn’t say it was a “normal guy thing” or that I was doing something wrong. Still, things continued to be difficult as I finally was able to process my feelings, hear the stories of others and learn what was necessary to start stepping forward into a healthier place where I could make decisions. I had to learn to accept that there was nothing I could do, not do, become or change that would make my husband change. I had to let go and leave my marriage in the hands of God, knowing that there was the possibility that it would not be restored to me.
My husband’s program helped him learn to see things more from my point of view—and to accept that he had hurt me deeply, which was something he could never make up for. He couldn’t change the past, and he could not control my timeline of getting through the pain—or even if I could get through it. He learned how to develop transparency by remaining accountable to someone who was willing to hold his feet to the fire and call him on it when he started talking like an addict again. Thanks to his hard work, a Christian 12-step program and especially the grace of God, he has developed a solid pattern of sobriety that has lasted about five years so far.
Over time, as he developed a more honest pattern and longer stretches of sobriety, I was able to start trusting him again. It wasn’t easy. It was terribly frightening. As in the past, if someone broke my trust, they never got the chance to do it again. I had to learn how to trust a person who had hurt me. He had to learn that trust was not a given—he had to earn it, and it was not going to be easy. We had to develop strong boundaries with each other—some temporary, some permanent. These boundaries outline, for instance, what I can and cannot live with. One such boundary is that if he does ever choose to go back to the addiction, he will have to leave. Another is that he must continue to attend his group at least once a week and talk with his accountability partner at least once a day. These boundaries have helped me develop a sense of safety in our relationship. Are they always easy? Absolutely not. There are some weeks when I would much rather he stay home with me than go to his group. It seems like over half of our children’s school activities conflict with it, meaning that I often have to go on my own to a parent-teacher conference. But whenever I allow myself to start nursing the frustration that threatens to grow into resentment, I remind myself that his group is a vital part of his recovery, and I would rather have him gone one night a week and be able to maintain his sexual sobriety than skip it and have one missed group turn into two, two turn into a month and so on.
That doesn’t mean our marriage is perfect. Far from it. There are speed bumps and difficulties along the way. Like any marriage, we argue, don’t talk, get tired of each other. Those issues common to every marriage do have an added element to them. Sometimes things happen that trigger horrible memories from the past when my husband was active in his addiction. Sometimes the panic has been so intense that I feel as though the events of the past have just happened and it can be difficult to pull myself out of it and focus on the reality of now. I still go to a weekly group and stay in touch with other women throughout the week who help keep me grounded and focused on what I can control. For his part, my husband faces temptations pretty much every day. He has a well-developed plan to deal with those temptations so that he can avoid the slippery slope toward acting on them. He talks with his accountability partner on a daily basis, as well as other men from his group throughout the week between group meetings. They ask him the tough questions and don’t let up until they have the answers.
One of the biggest struggles we face, though, is focusing so much on our own recovery process—which is an essential part of being able to put our marriage back together—that we sometimes forget to do our work together. We forget how to communicate with each other—even though he has a master’s degree in communication and I am a life coach! We easily get back into the habit of assuming each other’s motivations rather than asking. It sounds like such a trivial thing, but it does a lot of damage in our relationship.
While I have come to the point where I no longer dwell on it, I am aware somewhere in the back of my mind that someday my husband could choose to give up his recovery and go back to his addiction. This knowledge does not rule my life any longer. It is just part of the facts I have learned about sex addiction—the high probability of relapse. Yet because I have spent time focusing on my own recovery and releasing myself from trying to control his, I know that should he ultimately make that choice, I will survive. I have regained who I am—the person I’d lost to obsession and fear. This does not mean I am not committed to my marriage or that I am just waiting around for him to go back to his addiction. Quite the contrary. We are building our marriage to be stronger and more fulfilled than it ever was before the addiction nearly destroyed us. Looking back, there have been many times, both before and since getting into recovery, when it would have been very easy to leave.
So why am I still here? I’ve been asked that question a lot and have asked it myself, too. What it boils down to, for me, is that I am willing to be here and continue to work through the problems in our marriage—both related to his addiction and those common to every marriage—as long as my husband is doing his part. If he gives up his recovery, that would change. I am not willing to go back to living with an active addiction. Each woman has to make her own decision in that regard. The one piece of advice I would give women who find themselves trying to decide whether to stick with it with a recovering spouse or not is to manage their expectations. There will be times when it is like being on a second honeymoon and the love is so strong and potent that it feels like nothing will ever come between you again. But that’s not the way life is all the time. We have our mountaintop experiences along with the valleys. It is how we choose to approach them that matters. I believe whole-heartedly that God has been the source of all that has kept us together, and He will be the source of life for you regardless of which path He directs you to choose.
Story Ten
Some thirty-six years ago, I decided to marry a dear friend. We were friends in elementary and high school. There were many things we had in common. We never really dated as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.” The relationship looked more like brother and sister. Over time we were “in love.” Little did I know the journey that this marriage would take. It was a route that I personally would have not taken.
Two years ago, I accidently discovered some things that my husband was working on for the men’s group at our church. When I found this I really didn’t know what to think. Did my husband have a sexual addiction problem? What did it mean? I knew I had to confront my husband regarding this information that I had found, but I was scared. Scared to find out the truth and what the truth would mean for our life together.
In the weeks before I confronted him, I went on a “witch hunt.” I searched the Internet for information, looking for signs of an affair or sexual acting out, trying to make sense
of all my feelings. I read a number of books dealing with husbands’ secret wars and battles and how to respond with tough love. It took me about a month to get up the strength and courage to confront my husband. I was in prayer and seeking God’s direction in regarding what was the right thing to do. But I knew I had to confront this problem. Little did I know the journey I was about to take.
What was really interesting was a number of years before this discovery our marriage was spiraling down. I felt that something was not quite right. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I kept encouraging my husband that we should seek counseling. I begged for many years then finally he decided that he would stop all outside commitments and work on our marriage. This was his personal quest to discover himself. It had nothing to do with working on our marriage. We never went for counseling until the disclosure.
I finally confronted him. My heart grieves and tears well up in my eyes as I remember that night. That night I discovered that my friend, my lover, my companion and the father of our children was a horribly wounded spirit. It was revealed to me that during his early life he had been sexual abused by an uncle, an incident that threw him into same-sex attraction and masturbation throughout junior high and high school. His home life consisted of a very domineering and controlling mother with a passive-aggressive father who was not the mentor a young boy needed. Marriage did not solve his problem.
My husband revealed to me that over our thirty-six years of marriage he had been having sex with numerous men. These men included a former brother-in-law, a couple of our good friends and a former pastor. There had been about seven to eight years of that time where he wasn’t involved with other men, but during that time he was addicted to masturbation. It was evident that he was seeking approval from men and dealing with his emotions in unhealthy ways. I remained silent just listening to a man whom I loved so very much pour out all the guilt and shame that had been bottled up for years. He was so sorry and broken.
Immediately I was thrown into a whirlwind of emotions. I felt like someone had just shot a hole in my heart. A part of me just wanted to curl up and die. Where was I when all of this was happening? Am I that dense that I didn’t see all this happening in our life? What is wrong with me? Our marriage is one big fat lie! What am I to my husband: the mother to his daughters, the housekeeper, the nurse, the chef, the laundry lady, but not good enough to be his lover? He preferred other men and himself over me! How can I compete with that? In my heart I was crying out to God to help me understand what the purpose was for all this, because I had grown up with a father who was just like my husband. I am like a magnet to same-sex attracted men.
Right away I wanted to know who, what, when, where and why. I wanted to know details and time frames. The pieces of the puzzle were being put together. I learned we had nothing special as a couple. Our master bedroom had even been shared. I learned things that I wanted to know but really didn’t want to know. Did he think of these other men when we were making love or was I just an object for sex like these other men? One thing that was really revealed to me was that we lacked emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy. Was my husband even capable of loving a woman like a man should love a woman? Oh God, help our marriage!
That night the hidden sins that were disclosed involved individuals who were “upstanding” in our small community and church. I had to be silent about this nightmare, except to a counselor we were seeing from out of town. If my husband was serious about wanting forgiveness and willing to repent from his sins, I had a big decision to make. I realized that I had come to a big fork in the road. I had a big choice to make. Do I allow the magnitude of my hurt, anger and rejections to take the path of vindication? Do I leave all the memories and years we had together? What is true love all about anyway? Would I leave him if he broke his leg? Or do I choose the path of forgiveness, healing and restoration that only comes through the redemption of the Lord Jesus Christ?
When I looked at the road of vindication, I saw more harm being accomplished than good. More hopes and dreams would have been destroyed than just mine. What would it have accomplished if I allowed my bitterness to flow from my heart like radioactive waste contaminating other innocent people? That was not my goal. There was too much at stake for me to open my mouth.
I chose the hard path of forgiveness, healing and, most of all, hope. The hope lies in the Lord Jesus Christ and the blood He shed when He went to the cross for all sin. At the foot of the cross the ground is level; no sin is greater than another sin. I have to be able to forgive just like Christ has forgiven my sins. My husband is changing and is being redeemed through the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. He has no desire to go back to his former lifestyle. He is enjoying the hope. Without faith there is no hope and without hope what is left? The hope is that with time and healing our marriage will someday be a sweet fragrance to the Lord.
The dreams I had for our marriage are different than what the Lord had planned for our marriage. Maybe I am the wife God planned for my husband: to be the helpmate to walk this trail with him, to be the encourager, the forgiver, the unconditional lover, to be Jesus in flesh to him. I have asked God to give me his dream for my life and marriage and the strength to walk through that dream. My desire is for my husband to become the man God wants him to be, not the person I want him to be. I pray daily, “God help me not to get in the way of your work in my husband’s life and help me to be the special wife he needs to heal.”
I have come to the place in this journey where I know who God says I am. I am loved and cherished by my Heavenly Father like no other man can love me. My earthly father and my husband are not capable of loving me like Him. I know that my husband’s same-sex attraction has nothing to do with me. He is a wounded spirit. I know my mind has to be renewed daily by reading the Bible or it goes places where I don’t want to go. I keep reliving the nightmare. I have become stronger and wiser. I have been created special for this time. But I have daily choices to make: Is my cup half full or half empty? Am I going to allow this to make me bitter or better? I can be reactive or proactive and responsive, that is a choice. I have chosen the positive for my life no matter what my husband does. I am not a victim! My purpose in life is to glorify my Heavenly Father. My journey is up and down. It is rocky. It is smooth. But I am in God’s care, which makes the scenery so beautiful and I am thankful.
Conclusion
The Rest of the Journey
In this book we’ve shared a pathway to healing that has worked for many partners of sex addicts, yet in the end, healing is a choice. It is a choice all of us must make, because we want it—we need it—so much we will passionately pursue it, work for it and never give up until we can call the choice our own. We hope we have helped ignite that passion in you, because we believe you are worth it.
You can heal. You can grow stronger in spite of (or as a result of) this most difficult time in your life. We also believe that you need others in your life to help you navigate this journey. Allow others into your life. Let them encourage you and help you. Locate and work with a trained counselor or psychologist who understands trauma and sexual betrayal. Whatever you do, make your healing a priority in your life!
We’ve talked a lot about your recovery and what it is composed of and put little focus on what a sex addict’s recovery requires or what measures are needed for couples to heal. We know from experience that many of you have more questions about those areas and others. We’ll now try to answer some of the questions we’re frequently asked about sexual addiction and your concerns about this debilitating behavioral problem.
Frequently Asked Questions about Your Sexually Addicted Spouse and How You Can Cope
What is sexual addiction?
Let’s look briefly at the signs and symptoms of sex addiction. First, there are commonly accepted labels. Some call it sex addiction; others label it sexual compulsivity or dependence. Still others add the diagnosis of sex and love addiction to people who act out for the additional need of love and connection. Whate
ver you choose to call it, the effects on the person engaged in the behavior are both dangerous and devastating. You may know all too well the devastation experienced by the loved ones and families of sexual addicts. When someone is involved in this out of control sexual behavior, it takes over the addict’s life and leaves destruction in its wake. 1
Addiction in general is widely understood as a pathological relationship with a mood altering substance or behavior. A person who is addicted uses a drug or behavior to numb out, escape or otherwise change his or her mood. Some people act out with drugs, alcohol or sex to get a “high” or a sense of excitement. Others use these behaviors to calm down. The important thing to understand is that addicts have formed relationships with their drugs or behaviors; they orient or organize their lives around the activities. It becomes so important to them that it takes over their focus. They increase the amount of time, energy and resources they devote to use of the drug or to their search for an opportunity to engage in the addictive behavior. Addicts compulsively act out their addictions and spend a great deal of time obsessing or thinking about their next “high”.
Four Elements of Addiction • Progression in the intensity of use (may move to different drugs or different behaviors)
• Increased tolerance (it takes more of whatever the drug is to achieve the desired effect)
• Repeated attempts to quit the use, only to return
• Continued use despite potential or real negative consequences
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse Page 22