Many kinds of activities can be viewed as addictive when we measure them by their mood-altering roles in the users’ lives. Behaviors become addictive on an emotional level as ways of coping with life; behaviors can also be physically addictive due to the natural chemical reactions within the brain when the person acts out.
Sex addiction or compulsivity can take many forms. It can involve fantasy, masturbation, pornography use, anonymous sex, use of prostitutes or involvement in multiple affairs. Some addicts engage in several behaviors, while others act out with only one or two of these behaviors. Any sexual behavior used to alter mood in a driven or compulsive way is destructive to the person and to the ability to be engaged in life and relationships.
Sex addicts do what they can to make their lives appear normal, marrying and maintaining committed relationships. The Mayo Clinic’s Web site offers some important information about sex addiction and those it affects:[Sex addicts] often have trouble establishing and maintaining emotional intimacy. They seek gratification through sexual behavior, but are unlikely to achieve emotional fulfillment and their lives may feel empty. Compulsive sexual behavior can affect anyone regardless of sexual preferences, including heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual preferences.2
People with sexual addictions often have addictions to other substances or behaviors. Marsha, on her Web site A Woman’s Healing Journey, responded to a question about multiple addictions:Addicts of any kind generally have what is called an addictive personality. Therefore, multiple addictions and/or addiction swapping are not uncommon. Overspending and overeating or bingeing on food seem particularly frequent in sex addicts.
The key to understanding can be found in recognizing what usually drives addictive behavior: the addict is trying to soothe emotional pain with a substance or activity. Only by working with a counselor can the sexually compulsive person get to the root of the pain, which is often from childhood and do the work required to heal.
But it is equally important to understand that addiction has a physiological component as well. Whether the “drug” of choice is heroin or sex, science has proven that neuro-chemicals are released in the person’s brain, giving him a chemical “hit” that provides some soothing and satisfaction for the inner pain he carries. Over time, more of the chemical is required to achieve the same hit, which causes the addict to use more and more of his drug. With sex addiction, this reality generally drives the addict to move on to riskier sexual behaviors in his quest for satisfaction.3
So, people with sexual addictions or compulsions are in pain and have learned to use sexual activity to cope with this pain. They may not even remember when they started or understand right away why they are involved in this kind of acting out. But addictive behaviors are there for purposes: they soothe, lift a mood or help us escape from things in life that are difficult or uncomfortable.
When your loved one started acting out sexually, he or she had no idea the behavior would reach the level it did by the time he or she was found out or confessed to you. This addiction happens over time. It only makes sense, then, that healing and recovery will take time.
Certainly, the idea that a person might be addicted to something, especially to something like sex, is a difficult admission. The label “sex addict” carries a weighty stigma, creating confusion and assumption about illegal acts. If your spouse exhibits sexually addictive behaviors, yet resists the idea that he or she might be a sex addict, here is an excerpt from Marsha’s Web site that can prove helpful:Although your concern about your husband’s feelings is seemingly kind and caring, in order to “get well” your husband must face how deeply he has hurt you and compromised himself and his marriage. Yet we understand your desire to not use words or labels that would cause him to tune you out or to get angry and direct attention away from his own behavior. The term “sexually compulsive behavior” is a little easier for a man to wear, and if it seems important to you, it might provide the verbal bridge you are searching for.
However, be careful not to work so hard to protect your husband from pain that you make it easy for him to avoid reality. As partners of sexually compulsive men, we often err on the side of over-protecting our partners’ feelings, and by doing so, become a part of their problems. Let him feel his failure, and pray that it causes him to realize where he is going and to reach out and ask for help before he sinks any deeper.4
No matter what we call the problem, compulsive or driven sexual behavior is out of control, destructive, progressive and has destructive consequences. Out-of-control people damage not only themselves, but in the end, all those around them suffer as well.
For more information, we recommend you go to the Web site offered by the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (www.sash.org). You’ll find other resources throughout this book.
How was I so stupid or why didn’t I know?
This question ranks high on the list of frequently asked questions we hear from women and some men who find out about their loved ones’ sexual betrayals. Partners who have been duped, deceived and lied to feel stupid. “How did I miss this?” they cry.
Please hear our simple answer: you didn’t know, because they didn’t tell you. They didn’t want you to know! They are masters at hiding; they have to be great at covering up for the behaviors to continue. Sexual addicts go to incredible lengths to prevent their secrets’ exposure. They compartmentalize their minds and their lives by creating separate “worlds” where their compulsive behaviors are planned, entertained and protected. They believe that their separate lives or other worlds do not need to touch the rest of their lives. They delude themselves (as part of the addiction) into believing that what you (the partners) don’t know won’t hurt you. The worlds don’t need to touch. But of course, they do.
Most likely you had some idea something was wrong. Perhaps the sex addict’s behaviors bled over into the life you shared in the form of increased irritability, unaccounted for time or expenses, disinterest in sex with you or your involvement in the compulsive behaviors.
Most of us sense that something is out of kilter; we just can’t understand what it is. Perhaps you even asked your spouse if he or she was having an affair, only to hear a response like, “I’m just tired” or “Of course not! How could you think such a thing?” Such answers leave us doubting our own intuition and perceptions and we feel shamed or blamed for lack of trust. Some partners report experiencing relief after finding out about their spouses’ infidelities; at least now they know they’re not crazy after all! Perceptions are finally validated, but at a terrible cost.
Truth, even when it comes late, arms you with new knowledge. And this knowledge teaches us to “trust our gut.” Learn to honor and trust your perceptions again. Act to protect yourself until honesty and trust return to your relationship.
How will I know he or she is in recovery?
A true recovery process at work in an addict’s life bears significant hallmarks. First, you’ll see that recovery is a priority. Whereas before pursuing recovery the sex addict arranged his or her time around acting out, he or she now organizes time and effort around healing and health. The partner goes to counseling. Most utilize a group recovery process and accountability of people of the same sex—people who understand the addiction, because they’ve battled it, too. A recovering sex addict sets boundaries in his or her life to help avoid temptations. A person in recovery takes personal responsibility for his or her actions and the resulting consequences. The person reduces the amount of blame placed on others and owns up to his or her own decisions.
People in recovery soften. They “thaw out” or show emotion in different and healthier ways. Their ability to empathize with others—including you—increases. They allow others to really know them; they allow others to help hold them accountable. They take risks in trying on new ways of relating. Real change becomes visible.
This change does not and cannot happen overnight. It takes hard work and time. Here, we measure time in months, not days. Consis
tent change over time provides the best indication that a sex addict embraces the work and life of recovery. Realistically, ups and downs will continue. Failures and successes may happen, at least for a time. However, as the recovery process takes place, and true growth and freedom begin to blossom in the addict’s life, you will begin to see the evidence that the addict desires true change and is putting all his or her effort into achieving that goal.
When can I trust again? How can I trust again?
Trust is shattered when sexual betrayal and relational trauma occurs. Looking at the shards and fragments of your former life, you may think, There is no way these pieces will ever go back together.
Trust is something that must be earned, yet trust is something we give. The hard truth about trust is that it must be earned before it can be given, especially after a sexual violation. Such a violation shatters the foundation of a relationship.
Trust can be viewed as a gift that is ours to give or to withhold. Trust is a choice. You can choose to trust; you can rescind it as well. Think of trust as a drawbridge over a river. It’s your bridge and you control how much or how little you lower it to let someone cross over into your world. You control how vulnerable you choose to be and with whom you are vulnerable.
After betrayal, experience and wisdom advise that we raise our vulnerability bridges: that we withhold trust until we see evidence that enables us to believe we can safely allow those who misused our trust back into the innermost recesses of our lives.
A trustworthy person bears certain markers: they are consistent (predictable), they take responsibility for their own actions and they admit when they make mistakes rather than blae others. They do what they say they are going to do and their behaviors match their words. Trust is something that takes only seconds to shatter but takes what feels like an eternity to rebuild.
How long will it take for me to heal?
This is a difficult question and the answer may be uniquely your own, because healing doesn’t come in one-size-fits-all sizing. Some suggest that it takes three to five years before we feel “normal” again following the devastation and relational trauma that sex addiction produces in our lives. Unfortunately, there is no timetable for healing.
We’ve described those things which help the healing process in the previous chapters of this book. Some things hinder the healing process: things like continued exposure to traumatic stress and betrayal. Like wounds to the flesh, wounds to the heart, mind and soul cannot heal if they are continually re-injured.
However, you can heal and grow, no matter what your spouse does. And your relationship to the addict does not have to be restored for you to heal. Nor does the sexual addict have to remain in recovery for you to heal. Your healing can be separate from the addict’s choices and behaviors.
You heal because you take good care of yourself, you process your pain, you find ways to incorporate it into the whole of your life and you find meaning and purpose for yourself. Though there will most likely always be a scar in your memory, it will grow less tender over time.
The process is really up to you: Will you allow this dark and difficult time in your life to define and defeat you or will you allow it to serve as an opportunity for you to become a stronger person? That choice will help determine how long it takes and to what degree you heal.
As we discussed earlier, there are some essentials that need to be in place for you to heal. There needs to be other people in your life who know you, know what you are going through and who are available to you. These should be people who won’t judge you or tell you what to do and will support you. No matter what.
Another important element needed to heal is safety. Find ways to provide that for yourself. Make decisions for yourself based on that need. If you are in physical danger or if you cannot control your own responses to your betrayer, you may need some space and some degree of separation so that you can begin to allow your heart and body to heal from the traumatic stress.
You need to take care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Do what you can to eat healthy foods and get adequate rest and sleep. Say “no” to additional responsibilities until you are on the path of healing. Discover what encourages you and feeds you spiritually and do them regularly.
Get care from people who are trained and equipped to help you. Counselors, spiritual leaders and support groups are all wonderful resources if and when they understand what helps a partner heal following sexual betrayal and trauma. Do your homework and find someone with whom you can work comfortably as you cope and heal.
Be patient with yourself. As Barbara tells her clients, “This is the hardest work you will ever do!” It can be exhausting and discouraging. It can, and most likely will, require more effort on your own behalf than you’ve previously expended on yourself. But you are worth the effort; healing is worth the effort.
I’ve been told that “detachment” can help me cope while my partner works on his or her addiction. What exactly is detachment and how do I do it?
Detachment can prove extremely helpful when emotional turmoil and relational conflicts create struggle in your relationship with the sex addict, particularly when the addict is early in the recovery process or if he or she has no interest in recovery and growth. In such situations, detachment can buy us time and space to see if our partners decide to work for change.
Because our view of ourselves can be so tied up in our partners’ inappropriate sexual activities, we may face great difficulty in controlling our reactions to what our partners have done or are doing sexually. We may withdraw emotionally, attack, become verbally abusive or react in other unhealthy ways. None of these actions or reactions will help. They only create ugly scenes and demean us in our partners’ eyes. Detaching is a skill that helps us step out of that reactionary pattern and remain focused on that which we have the power to change and help heal: ourselves.
Detaching is not withdrawal or isolating or punishing. It is putting a buffer space between you and your partner. Detaching is like installing a storm window over a single pane of glass. A barrier is created between the two panes. You are on one side of the double glass window and your partner is on the other.
Another metaphor for detachment can be found in picturing a tornado. When we see a tornado, we need to keep a safe distance to stay out of harm’s way. We watch to see where it is going to remain informed, but we are careful not to get caught up in its swirling vortex, because we’ve learned how destructive tornados can be when we get too close.
In our relationships with addicts who have not yet embraced true change, we often feel hypervigilant, anxious or afraid, the results of our trauma. These painful feelings cause us to instinctually long for closeness so we can try to change the situation by calming the sex addict and directing him or her toward recovery and healing. Many want their life partners back! However, such behavior rarely works and it places our own healing and the marital relationship in further jeopardy.
Detachment can help. Think of yourself as an interested observer. From a distance, watch and observe your spouse’s action. His or her behaviors and patterns may hurt and upset you, but use detachment to hold back emotional attacks and attempts to fix the person. Detachment can enable you to remain in the relationship if you choose to; it enables you to watch carefully and to assess and monitor the necessary distance required to remain safe. It enables you to honor your own health and healing. Distance, or detachment, is a tool to help you remain emotionally safe. And safety, as we learned earlier in this book, is the cornerstone of eventual healing.
What Detachment Isn’t • Abandoning another
• Ignoring another
• Refusing to talk• Putting up icy walls
• Withholding friendship
• Feeling angry or resentful
What Detachment Isn’t Necessarily • Living separately
• Withholding affection
• Withholding physical intimacy• Sleeping in separate bedrooms
; • Withholding all emotional intimacy
• Living totally separate lives
What Detachment Is • Fully accepting and embracing your own powerlessness to change your partner.
• No longer watching your partner out of the corner of your eye, snooping, etc.
• Letting go of controlling your partner and what he or she does.
• Refusing to get “hooked” into reacting in old, counter-productive ways.
• Taking three steps back from the situation, breathing a deep breath and relaxing; then refocusing your time, energy and attention on your own life and growth. You may need to repeat this process many times each day.
• Remaining kind, non-defensive and undemanding while expecting responsible behavior, kindness and mutual commitment for the household, finances, child care, etc.
• Creating a space between you and your partner that serves as a cushion of grace, while, if you have a religious faith, you give God, your partner and the process time to bring about change.
• Knowing what you need in order to remain in the relationship—detachment does not mean being blind to sexual acting out or making yourself a doormat.
• Realizing and remembering that, in the end, your marriage may not make it.
• Never forgetting that you are a precious creation, endowed with your own unique qualities, gifts and traits.
Detaching is not negative or reactive—it is a positive, proactive step that adds to your empowerment arsenal. It enables you to gain objectivity, face reality, deal with your emotions and determine the best course of action for your life. It isn’t something you do once and never need to do again. You will find you need to do it again and again and again. The poem “Let Go” defines the essence of what it means to practice detachment:Let Go
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse Page 23