by Sybil Smith
"Out with it, Mom. I know you've got something to say."
She pretends to look taken aback. "Me? No!" She looks down and plays with her fingers for all of two seconds before her head shoots back up. "I was just wondering what size ring Harper wears. I have your grandmother’s we could resize—“
"Mom! No. We are not talking about this right now." Harper's ears are burning red from a blush that's taken over her whole face and neck. I'm glad Francis and Jarrod are out of earshot or they'd tease the hell out of us. I cannot even believe she would bring this up right now. She knows better than to push me into anything I don't want to do.
"But, Roma! You're certainly not getting any younger. Now's the—"
"Mom…" It's a warning. I'd honestly never chew out my own mother for Christ's sake. But I'm not above storming off and sitting in my car the rest of the night.
Harper seems to sense my mood shift and tries to get us out of this shithole of a conversation. "Roma, would you mind accompanying me? I have …something I would like to get from the tent."
Not the best excuse I've ever heard in my life, but it works. Mom lets us go without another word about rings or engagements or other fluffy bullshit I'm not even close to prepared to talk about.
Harper clambers into the tent and I follow, making sure to zip it up behind us. I turn around and see her pulling out a huge ass bottle of scotch. I know I must look like a deer in headlights because I never would've thought she'd have brought alcohol with her. Much less scotch.
"Harper Rose, have you been holding out on me?" She pulls out two tall glasses and starts filling them to the top. If I didn't know any better I'd think she was planning on getting shitfaced.
"Well…no. I was just saving it for the right time." She smiles as she makes herself at home on the middle of mattress. I sit down next to her and oh my fucking God I can't even believe I almost didn't let her bring this thing. It's 9000 times better than a sleeping bag on the ground. It's going to be hard staying awake tonight, I can tell. She hands me a glass and I take a sip. It's so smooth it barely even burns. That shit must've cost a fortune.
"I didn't peg you for a scotch drinker, Harper."
"Although I usually prefer wine, I do occasionally indulge myself." She says it with a playful wink and bumps my shoulder. She's so damn cute I can hardly take it.
"Hmm…there's a lot of things I don't know about you, isn't there?"
Her face kind of goes more serious and she takes a big gulp from her glass. She brings it down from her lips and nods. I know she's probably had her fair share of shit too—I can only hope she hasn't gone through anything nearly as bad as I have. I don't think I could live with knowing she shares the same pain I carry around every day. But, it doesn't change the fact that I want to know every single thing about her. Even the rough stuff she might not like talking about.
"Well, tell me something I don't know. If you want to, anyway. It's not like we have anything else to do."
She leans her head over on my shoulder. I can practically hear the wheels turning in her head.
"Did you know I'm adopted?"
Whoa. I actually didn't know that. I really hope that's not why she has such a shitty family life. She hasn't raised her head so I can't see her eyes. I'm kinda glad. I don't think I could handle seeing the sadness in them.
"No, I didn't. How old were you?"
She lets out a puff of air before finishing off her glass. "I was a baby. I don't know why my biological parents gave me up…Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if they hadn't. I mean, it's not like I had a bad childhood. My adoptive parents gave me everything I needed. From a materialistic standpoint, anyway. They just often lacked giving me the things I needed from them emotionally. I like to think maybe my biological parents could've given me that."
"Maybe you'll get to meet them someday." I don't even know what else to say. I'm not very good at cheering people up so I usually deflect. But this is something too painful for her to joke around about.
"Perhaps."
I can tell she's done talking about this by the tone of her voice. She sits up and refills both of our glasses before coming back and leaning against my shoulder. I wrap my arm around her back and pull her closer. She just feels too good against me not to. After a few minutes of sitting in silence and drinking, she starts talking again.
"What's something I don't know about you, Roma?" I let out a little laugh. There's a hell of a lot that she doesn't know. Most of them are so awful that I know I'll never tell her just so she never has to think about it. I try to think of something that's going to put her in a better mood.
"One time, I tried to drunkenly cook ramen noodles and set the top of my stove on fire. That was the first time I ever used a fire extinguisher…the whole building got evacuated."
She starts laughing and barely gets out, "Oh, Roma…you didn't," before laughing all over again. It's honestly the best sound I've ever heard in my life.
"Oh, yes. I did."
After a while she stops laughing and I feel like it's safe to ask her to tell me something else about herself. It doesn't take as long before she thinks of something this time.
"I've never been with a woman before you."
What? There's no fucking way. But she can't lie, so it must be true.
"Never?" I'm honestly in shock. She's good. No, really good. Especially for never have gone down on a girl before.
"No, never. I've occasionally kissed women, but it never went any further than that."
"Could've fooled me. You deserve an award." She starts laughing again at that.
"What can I say? I'm very well educated on human anatomy."
I can feel the air change between us and it's taking all I've got to not just rip her clothes off right fucking now. I definitely would if it wasn't for the fact that a flimsy piece of nylon is all that separates me from my family and Harper absolutely cannot be quiet whenever I touch her. I have to do something to try and lead this conversation in a different direction, so I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.
"Let's have a drinking contest."
Not my best plan, I'll admit. But Harper shoots away and all but leaps for the bottle like this has been her idea from the start.
"Okay! Let me see your glass."
She fills them up to where they are exactly even with each other and hands it back to me. This is probably going to end up badly, but I can't back down now with her smiling at me like that.
"Alright, first one done wins. One…Two…Three…Go."
It's not nearly as smooth when I'm chugging it back as fast as I can. I dart my eyes over to Harper's glass and she's almost done. Shit, she's had to have done this before. A few seconds later, and she's finished. I'm not very far behind, but it's very clear that I lost. Shit. I hate losing.
She throws her hands up in the air and lets out a yell. "I won!"
"Yeah, yeah. Maybe I just let you win. Ya know, since you're such a girl and all."
She cocks her head to one side. "Technically, we are both female, Roma…" It takes a second for her to realize the rest of what I said and she narrows her eyes. "Did you really let me win? We'll have to do it again if that's the case," she hiccups, "and I don't really think I can."
I can't possibly lie to her. She won fair and square, I wouldn't feel right about making her doubt herself. "No, Harp. You definitely just kicked my ass all on your own."
"Good," she says through a stifled yawn. I know it can't be any later than nine, but we've already finished off ¾ of the scotch. Not my best idea, like I said.
"I'm sorry. Alcohol is a depressant that often triggers—" Another yawn cuts her off and I know I she probably won't be up much longer.
"Here, let me get your shoes and we can lie down."
I pull them off her feet and set them next to the mattress before lying down beside her. I pull her in to my chest and throw the blanket up on us. With my head swimming from the alcohol and the warmth of her body against me and this fucking
amazing air mattress, I know it's going to be hard to stay awake tonight. But I'll be damned if I don't try.
Every so often I start to nod off and then jerk awake. It must be annoying the hell out of Harper because she finally speaks up.
"You can go to sleep, Roma. I'll make sure nothing happens to you."
I almost, almost start crying at that. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's just me being a pussy. But I can't get over how fucking nice it feels to have someone want to protect me for once. Even though she can't protect me from this, I can't even get over how nice the thought is.
"I know," I whisper.
This seems to satisfy her because she cuddles back up to me and promptly falls asleep. The steady warmth of her breath against my neck, the lull of my heartbeat, and the silence of the night prove to be too much after a while. I feel myself get pulled down into sleep and no matter how hard I try, I can't stay awake.
…
I feel his hot, damp breath across my face. It's getting harder to for me to breathe. I try to move my legs but they feel so heavy and leaden even though I know they aren't restrained. He starts laughing at my struggle.
"Oh, Romie. They are always there. They're not always ropes or chains… sometimes words, thoughts… sometimes that fluttering in your chest, the catch of your breath… sometimes only your memories. But they are always there, those bonds tying you to me. They are always there. Because you are mine."
He's on top of me, starting to bind my hands together. I know now is my chance to make a move. I won't stand a fucking chance once I'm tied down. I take a deep breath and flip him over to where I'm straddling him. I pin his wrists above his head as hard as I can. I want to do something, anything to wipe that goddamn grin off his face. But all I can do is let out strangled whispers through my sobs.
"I'm not yours…I'll never be yours…Never…I'm not yours..."
….
"Roma…"
"Roma."
"Roma!"
Harper's voice pulls me out of my sleepy haze. I come to and realize I'm straddling her, pinning her hands above her head just like I was to him in my dream. She's not scared, but she should be. There's no telling what I could've done to her. I immediately release her hands and climb off of her, moving as far away from her in what little space we have. I drop my head into my hands and cry so hard my body is shaking. I don't even care about how loud I'm being, no one will come to see if I'm okay anymore. Not since Francis came to check on me when he heard me screaming from a nightmare and I thought she was him on accident. I never would've been able to forgive myself if I hurt my sister. Hell, I don't even know if I ever will now and I didn’t even do anything to Harper.
I feel the mattress dip down as she scoots to where she's facing me. She pulls my hands away from my face and makes me look at her.
"Roma, it's okay. It's noth—"
"I hurt you, Harper. That is not okay."
"It wasn't—"
"Tell me I didn't hurt you, Harper. Tell me."
She bites her lip and finally looks away from my face. I gently grab one of her arms and pull it to where I can see her wrist. Red finger-marks are already forming against the white of her pale skin.
"You can't tell me I didn't hurt you, because I did.” She pulls her arm from my grasp and brings both hands up to my cheeks. Her thumbs wipe away the tears on my face. It feels so good that I almost start crying all over again. I don't deserve her. I hurt her. She deserves so much more than anyone that would lay a hand on her—consciously or not.
"Roma. Listen to me. It is okay, because you didn't do it purposely. It was…"
"…Out of my control. Yeah, I know."
I make a move to get up so I can go get some fresh air and probably have a pity party for one, but she grabs my hand to hold me in place. Her eyes are pleading with me, begging me to stay.
"Roma. Please don't go." I start to get frustrated with her. She doesn't see how bad this could've been.
"What if I hadn't grabbed your wrists, Harper? What if it was your neck? What if I killed you before you even had the chance to wake up? Would that be okay since it wasn't on purpose?"
She looks away then. She has nothing to say. Hell, what could she say to that. I'm right and she knows it.
"Exactly. It's not okay."
I feel broken. Empty. She has to see why it's a bad idea to be with someone like me now. She's going to walk out on me just like I've walked out on everyone in the past five years. I honestly don't know if I could handle it. She's changed me so much—made me so much better—that I know I'll break apart if she's not here to hold me together. Just when I'm about to work up enough nerve to try and leave again, she leans in and kisses me. It's soft. Not about passion. Not one to lead to something else. It's about comfort. Forgiveness. Reassurance.
"Just…don't leave me, Roma. Please? We'll work through this together. I'll stay awake with you the rest of the night if that's you want. Please don't give up on us just because of this." She takes my forearm in her lap. “I work sexual assault cases every single day. I know the aftermath and the fear. I’m the most equipped and well-trained person to go through this with. I’ll never judge you. I’ll only encourage and protect you.”
I know it'd be for the best if I ended things right now before we get sucked into this any deeper. I know she deserves so much more than anything I can give her. I'm not being fair to her by keeping her around. I know I'm not and I know I should let her go. But, I can't. I know I wouldn't be able to make it without her. And somehow, I know she wouldn't make it without me either.
"I’m not leaving. I promise."
Chapter 16
After deciding that we would leave as soon as it was light outside, there was no more talking the rest of the night. Both of us were way too wired to sleep, so I just sat and held her in my lap against me. Every now and then I'd hear her breath catch like she wanted to say something, but she'd just go back to playing with my fingers or running her hand up and down my arm. Probably just to reassure herself that I was still there. But like I said, I won't leave her. And I meant that. Not only would it break her trust in me, I don't think I could because it'd hurt both of us too damn much.
Around six, the sun finally decides to make an appearance. My eyelids are drooping and Harper's stomach is growling like a damn grizzly bear, so we don't even bother with taking down the tent. Francis will probably do it for me, but if she doesn't I honestly don't fucking care. I just grab our bags and walk us silently back to the car so I can take her somewhere to get some food. It's not a weird, awkward silence that I dread with a fucking passion—it's just silence. Like we're both just glad to be around each other.
I blast the cool air to keep me awake and hold Harper's hand as I drive almost thirty minutes to the nearest diner. It's a little shabby and worn down, but it's where we'd always stop on the way home. Granted, it was for dinner instead of breakfast, so I'm hoping it will still at least be halfway tolerable. If Harper's disgusted by it, she doesn't show it. I'm sure she's just glad to get some food in her stomach regardless of what the hell it is.
After this tiny little old lady—that would most certainly fit in my pocket with room to spare—brings us out some coffee, Harper finally decides to break our silence.
"Roma…"
I run a hand through my hair before looking up at her. She's tired, I can see it all over her face even though she's trying to hide it. Her eyes always give her away. I can also tell she's kind of nervous. I reach across the table and hold her hand, silently letting her it's okay.
"Would you like to talk about what happened?"
I look back down and start stirring coffee with my free hand so fast a little sloshes over the side. "No."
"Do you want to talk about your nightmare?"
I still don't look up. I know if I do and see the concern she has for me in her eyes, I might start crying all over again. "No."
She goes to say something else, but the lady brings over our food. Before walking away,
she spies the bruises on the inside of Harper's wrist from where her sleeves have ridden up and gives me a glare from fucking hell. I slowly pull my arm back and start poking around at the runny eggs on my plate. I'm still so wound up from last night that the sight of food honestly just makes me want to gag. Harper has already scarfed down over half of her damn veggie omelet in all of five minutes. I didn't peg her for someone who ate a lot, but I sure was fucking wrong. I just guess it isn't as bad when it's healthy food instead of the junk I always eat.
Just when I'm sure she's about to pick up the plate and lick it, she looks back up at me. Her eyes are watery and I just want to pull her into a hug and never let her go.
"Are we okay, Roma?"
I pick up one of the untouched pieces of bacon on my plate and plop it on hers. "We'll be okay if you eat that."
"Wha—"
"Eat it." I say it with a smile, so she knows I'm not mad. I just know she's been eyeing that piece of bacon for the past ten minutes and I want her to not feel bad about eating it. I watch as she smiles and finishes it in .03 seconds flat.
"Yeah, we're okay. Don't worry."
I reach over and take her hand in mine again, thankful that the woman isn't around to give me any more of her stink eye. I get caught up in rubbing my thumb over the purple bruises. I can't believe I did that. It doesn't matter that she thinks it's okay. Because it's not and I don't think it's okay. I just wish there was something I could do to never make this happen again. Harper's voice pulls me back out of my head before I can think about things much more.
"Roma…will you do something for me?"
"What do you want me to do?" I can't say 'yes' because it might be something awful and I'd feel bad about having to change my mind and say 'no'. And I can't say 'no' because this is Harper and I at least want to hear her out.
She starts biting her lip like she's scared it might be the wrong thing to say, so I gently squeeze her hand so knows it's okay to go on.
"It's been proven that writing down nightmares from the night before often decreases their occurrence, so," she looks back up at me before looking back down at some speck on the table, "I think it would be beneficial for you to do that as well."