by Sybil Smith
I lean back in the booth as I think about it. That wouldn't be so fucking bad, would it? They're certainly fucking vivid enough that I could write down everything. And as long as I don't have to show anybody, I definitely think I can do this for her. For me. Whatever.
"Will anybody else see it?"
She looks up at me and smiles, probably glad I didn't just reject her right on the spot. I know she told me she had a hard time asking for things, but Jesus it's like she thinks she'll melt if she actually lets people know what she wants.
"No, of course not. Not unless you want them to."
Then I can definitely do this. Especially if it means I'll eventually get to hold her against me as I sleep without worrying about accidently killing her. I'd probably go to the ends of the earth just to be able to do that, honestly. I stand and walk to her side, helping her stand up. I press a kiss against her lips that I know I'll never tire of feeling. I pull back and nod my head.
"Well, then…yes. I can do that."
Chapter 17
I carry Harper's bags up to her room and set them down on the chair in the corner. It's fucking huge, I honestly swear it's bigger than my couch. I really want to sit down in it, but I know I'd probably fall asleep. I was lucky that I was able to stay awake during the three hour drive back, but I'm not sure I can hold out much longer.
I turn to go tell Harper goodbye so I can go home and pass the hell out for a little while, but she's standing at the door with a smile on her lips.
"Thank you, Roma."
I walk over and put my hands on her waist and give her a kiss. "I don't know what you could possibly be thanking me for, but you're welcome."
Her hands reach up and cup my face as her eyes search my face, looking for a sign of what, I don't know. "Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone anymore."
Her voice cracks and I can tell that she really, truly means what she says. She must've spent more time alone than I could ever even imagine. I really don't understand how anyone—especially her parents—could not want to get to know her. She's perfect in every fucking way. And I don't plan on letting her feel like she's ever lonely again.
I press my forehead to hers and run one of my hands through her hair. Being sappy isn't really my thing, but she needs to hear how I feel and I plan on giving her everything she needs to be happy. "I'm going to make sure you never feel alone, Harper. You don't ever have to worry about that again, okay?"
Her eyes close and she nods against me. All my tiredness leaves me as I realize what she needs from me. What she needs to know I'm not just going to say bullshit lines like that and leave her high and dry.
I tilt her chin up between my finger and thumb and slowly start kissing her. It's gentle, exploratory. I don't just plan on fucking her. I plan on letting her know that I need her for so much more than just that. I pull back with her lip between my teeth, letting it go as slowly as I can.
"Roma," she all but breathes it out. Like my name is her saving grace. All I know is that she sure as hell is mine and I plan on letting her know just that.
I start kissing from her lip, up her jaw, until I get to that one place under her ear that drives her fucking nuts. Her head rolls away from me so I can have more room to lick and suck at it. We're both panting hard by now, but I don't speed up. I want to remember everything about her. Every sound that tumbles from her lips, every touch against her skin, every feeling she draws out of me.
I finally pull back and walk her over to the side of the bed. My hands dip under her shirt and trail up her smooth stomach, pulling her shirt up as I go. She raises her arms so I can tug it off. She looks down at mine and I know she wants to feel my skin against her without any barriers in the way, but she's still not confident enough to ask. So I don't make her ask. I just pull mine off and throw it somewhere on the ground. She's looking at me like she just wants to devour me, and I'm pretty sure that's how I'm looking at her. I forget myself for a minute and quickly pull off her bra and pants before standing back up and remembering that this isn't just about having sex. I slowly undo my own pants and step out of them before undoing my bra and throwing it to the floor, keeping eye contact the entire time. Her breath hitches as she sees my chest completely bare for the first time. I almost jump her without even thinking, once again, but I luckily hold back.
I lick my lips and remember to have some semblance of self-control as I push her down against the bed. My eyes roam over her body as I slowly climb up and position myself above her. Her knees open wider to let my body fit between her legs. I relish the feel of my bare chest rubbing against her smooth stomach. It's one of the best feelings I've ever felt, hands down. We've never taken the time to go slow—I was afraid I'd feel too open, too exposed. But right at this moment, I don't feel any of that. I feel like this is something I've been looking for my whole life and just didn't know it.
I trail kisses down her collarbone to her chest that's covered with faint freckles. Her chest is heaving up and down as I work my way down to one of her rigid nipples. I haven't had the chance to explore them like I plan on doing right now. I bring one in my mouth and twirl my tongue around it before sucking it into my mouth. Her hands wrap in my hair, holding me against her as her back arches up into me. I trail over to the other side and our hips start rolling against each other. We both still have underwear on, but I have never been more turned on in my entire life.
I keep sucking and biting and licking at her nipple and rubbing the other with my hand as she bucks against me.
"Roma, don't st—"
One final tug with it between my teeth and I feel her arch, tense up, and then fall back against the bed breathing hard. Her head is back against the pillows and her eyes are closed. It's the sexiest fucking thing I've ever seen. Especially if I think what just happened really just happened.
"Did you just…"
"Yes. I did," she replies without even opening her eyes.
Holy shit. I've never hid the fact that I knew I was good. But fuck, I didn't think I was that good. I roll off beside her and run my fingers over her stomach until she rolls on her side and looks at me. I can tell we aren't done by the way her eyes are roaming over me. I feel like she's trying to memorize me just as much as I wanted to memorize her.
Her hand comes over until it's mere inches from my chest before it stops and she looks up at me. "Is it okay if i—"
"Yeah, of course." My tits might be small, but I've never been shy about 'em—I'd look pretty fucking weird if I was this skinny and toned with huge boobs—so I really don't fucking care if she touches me there. Especially if that's what she wants.
Her hand trails up my stomach and palms me, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. Her fingers start pinching and rubbing over my nipple so I have to give in and kiss her. I bring my hand up to her face and pull her so close our chests are touching again. Our tongues never fight for dominance, it's clear that I always have it. But it's just something about the way she moans into my mouth and bites at my lip that always makes me feel like I'm the one at her mercy.
Slowly she pulls back with red lips and looks me in the eye. I'm breathing hard and I'm aching from wanting to come so bad right fucking now, but I'm thinking that's not how she plans on doing things. And that scares the hell out of me.
"Roma, can I try something?" Oh shit. I knew it. I know she's not planning on trying to fuck me with a dildo or anything 'cause I'd up and leave, but still. I don't like not being in control of what people do with me.
She must see the uncertainty in my eyes because she pulls off her underwear and crawls to where she's looking down at me from over my knees.
"No hands, I remember. But if this is uncomfortable for you, just let me know. I'll stop. I'll always stop if you tell me to, Roma."
And I know she will if I ever ask. I lift up so she can pull my underwear off and open my knees, hoping she'll just go down on me like last time. No such luck. She moves to where she's straddling one of my legs and lifting the other. I know where
this is going. I haven't been topped in a really fucking long time and I'm freaking the hell out just a little bit. But I don't want her to stop, not unless I really know I can't handle it. I take a few deep breaths and remind myself it's just Harper as I relax my body.
Her hands come up and press down against my abs as she lowers herself. My hips involuntarily buck up as she presses her center down onto me. She stays still and waits until I calm down.
"Is this okay?"
I nod my head and clench the sheet up in my fists as she slowly starts to grind against me. It's been so long that someone's touched me like this and it feels so good that I know I won't last very long. My body relaxes even more as I start to push up to meet her each time she rolls her hips. I'm no longer panicked. I don't know why I ever was. This is Harper and she'll never do something to me that I don't want. This is Harper and she'll take care of me just like I take care of her. I feel the tingle in my arms and legs and know I'm about to fucking come as much as I want this to keep going.
Our clits touch once, twice, over and over. It feels good, but the view is what really sends me flying. "Harper, I'm gonna—"
"Wait…almost..."
Her nails dig into my abs and I try to fight it off so she can come with me, but it's just too fucking much. My hips shoot off the bed as I feel my orgasm shoot through me. Less than a second later, Harper cries out and falls over against my chest. We're both panting hard as she keeps slowly grinding against me, trying to make sure we both ride out to the end.
I finally can't take anymore and my hips jerk back. She stops but doesn't move from her spot. And I'm glad. I can feel her heartbeat and breath against my chest, and it feels like the warmth of her body is all around me. I bring my arms up around her back and hold her against me in case she tries to move, even though I know she's just as comfortable laying here like this as I am. We might not have had the best night together last night, but I slowly feel the guilt seeping out of me as she traces her hand along my collarbones. Without her, I would've been stuck in that miserable fucking cycle for the rest of my life. But, now I'm willing to change. Not only for myself, but mainly for her.
"Thank you, Harper, for being the one to show me that being alone won't protect me. For being the one that's saved me."
Chapter 18
We have a runner. He tries to escape, but Schrock and I are pretty damn fast for a girl and a short white guy. I thought I'd be a hardass and try to take down the guy right as he jumped on his fucking motorcycle. Instead, my hand gets caught between his leg and some piece of shit on his bike and he ended up dragging me down the road on my back. It didn't take much more than 10 seconds for me to untangle myself, but the damage was done. And I can fucking feel it.
I'm lying flat on my back, willing my eyes not to water. Searing pain is ripping through me as I try not to fucking move. Pieces of asphalt are embedded in it, I can tell. Schrock runs over and extends his arm to help me. I reach up and he grabs my arm—knowing better than to touch my hands, that's still only something Harper can do—and pulls me up to my feet. I wince as my back bends as I try to stand.
"You okay, partner?" he asks, trying to walk around to look at the damage.
I shoot him a look and turn to where he can't see anything. I know my shirt is ripped and caked to me, I don't want him seeing the scars underneath. If they're still visible under the mess that fucker on the motorcycle just made. "Yeah. Just take me home."
I half fucking limp back to his cruiser and sit down, angling my back to the door so he can't see shit and I don't accidently bump it against the seat. He sees me clenching and unclenching my hands and must know that I don't feel too fucking great.
"You sure you don't want me to take you to the hospital and get that looked at?"
I give him a look that surely makes him want to die. "I'm not going to the fucking hospital."
He quickly looks back at the road as he drives. "Alright, alright. Do you…want me to maybe call Harper so she—"
"No. I don't. What part of 'take me home' don't you understand?"
I know I shouldn't be so mean to him, he's a great partner and a damn good friend. He's put up with all my shit over the years, which is more than I can say for most. I probably do need to go to the hospital or call Harper or something, but I just can't. I don't need anyone poking and prying and asking about what happened to me. It's just not something I want to fucking talk about with anyone.
We finally pull up to my apartment and I weakly mumble a thanks. The pain is finally starting to be more than I can take. Schrock has the decency to look the other way as I get out and walk inside, which I'm really fucking grateful for.
As soon as I'm in the door, I peel my shirt off. It's stuck to my back and hurts like a bitch, but I finally yank it free. I look down at it in my hands. The back has huge ass holes in it and it's covered in black from the road and red from my blood. I yank my bra off and realize it has a hole in the back, too. I don't even fucking bother with putting them up, I just throw them in the floor and lay face down on the couch. I know I should get the rocks and shit out of the gashes. I know I should probably rinse it out at least, too. But all I really fucking want to do is sleep so maybe I won't feel the constant burning pain anymore.
….
Less than thirty minutes later, I'm jerked from sleep by a pounding on the door. I know exactly who it is and I know I'm going to fucking kill Schrock the next time I see him.
"Hold on," I yell as I walk to my bedroom and get the baggiest t-shirt I can find. It doesn't matter though, it still clings and sticks to the blood that is covering my back. It fucking hurts so bad that it's probably a good thing someone is here to help me, as much as I don't want them to be.
I open the door to see Harper standing there with a pretty pissed look on her face. Hell, I'd be pretty pissed, too, if something happened to her and she didn't tell me. She crosses her arms and looks me in the eye as she says, "Were you even going to tell me, Roma? I had to find out from Davis that you were injured!"
I just look down and rub the back of my neck as she pushes her way past me inside. I turn and look at her before she has time to see the shirt stuck to my back, and stare at her. She's standing there, not even blinking—waiting on me to tell her what happened. But, I really don't want to so I just stare right back at her.
That is, until her eyes start watering and she drops her head. I really, really don't ever want to be the fucking reason why she cries so I walk over and pull her into me, trying to ignore the ever-growing burning of my back.
I hold her against me and run my hand through her hair, waiting on her to calm down. If I hadn't been listening, I wouldn't have heard her.
"I could lose you every day. I need you and it scares me. You have to let me know if you're hurt so I can help you. Just let me in, Roma. Let me in."
I swear to fucking God my heart shatters into 9089 pieces at that. I know I've been selfish for a really long time, but I can't even believe I was this selfish to the one person who doesn't deserve it.
I nod my cheek against the top of her head. "Okay. I need your help."
…
She sits down on the end of the couch with just enough room between her and the arm to put the supplies she needs. I lie down across her lap and face away from her. I don't want to see her face when she sees how bad it probably fucking is. After I get as comfortable as I can with a ripped open back, she moves her hands to the edge of my shirt and pauses. My guess is, she has no idea how she's going to fucking do this without touching me and she doesn't want me to get pissed at her.
"Roma, I need to pull up your shirt, okay?"
I nod my head against her thigh and ball my hands up in fists. I feel the fabric jerking away from the cuts as she slowly inches it up to the back of my neck. I hear her breath hitch as she sees the damage. I get this weird feeling that her hands are ghosting above my back without really touching it and I involuntarily shiver.
"There are large bits of asphalt embedded in t
he wounds and much of your previous scar tissue has been removed….are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital? This will most likely hurt and I don't have painkillers nearly strong enough for this."
I shake my head against her. I've been through much fucking worse than this. "No. Just do it."
….
An hour later and I've all but shut down. She's tried talking to me and running her hand through my hair to comfort me and everything in-between. But I just can't fucking respond. I feel like I'm tied back up on that table with him beating the living daylights out of me. I know it's just Harper and I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't even fucking help it.
She presses the last edge of the adhesive down on my back and I roll off her and sit as far away as I can on the other edge of the couch. I know I shouldn't do this to her, but I need to fucking process this.
"Roma…"
I can't speak. It's too much, it's just too goddamn much right now. I don't even look up from my hands as I try not to hyperventilate and will my heart not to beat out of my fucking chest.
"Roma?"
I want to let her in. I want to tell her I'm okay and we'll be okay and this won't change anything between us, because it won't. I just need time to wade through everything I'm feeling and the lump in my throat is keeping me from speaking.
She gathers up her things and walks towards the door. I want to reach out and pull her back, kiss her, tell her I'm okay. But I can't even move. Once again, he has control over what I'm feeling, what I'm doing and there's nothing I can do about it.
I hear her open the door and turn back around to me even though I'm not looking up.
"I love you, Roma. Don't shut me out."
She was the type to like things that were concrete, like science and evidence and facts. Something she could point to and know exactly what it was. And yet, here she is telling me she's in love with me. My heart pounds even harder in my chest. Am I even capable of love? After all I've fucking been through, is it something I can even possess? I never believed that I would ever be able to fall for someone. I never believed that I would ever be able to care about someone more than I could ever possibly care about myself. But then I realize, I've put Harper before myself for a really fucking long time now. I know I'd break without her. For once in my life, I'm actually happy to wake up and start the day just because I know she's in it. I'm in love with her and I couldn't change it even if I wanted to.