by Sybil Smith
But before I can say anything to her, she's out the door and I'm still sitting on the couch.
Chapter 19
Shit. I cannot believe I actually just sat here and let her say that without even getting off the damn couch. I know I'm hurting but now she's probably hurting, too. I never want to be the cause of her pain, emotionally or otherwise. I can't just sit here. I want to let her in. After all she's put up with, she deserves it, too. I can't let her slip away.
I get up as fast as I can with my back bandaged up like a damn mummy and make my way to the door with every intention of running after her. But before I even have the chance to turn the knob, it's flying back open.
Harper's standing there with tears on her cheeks and her lip is quivering and it just breaks my fucking heart. I can't believe I hurt her like this. Even if I didn't mean to. She starts silently sobbing and trying to talk and I just don't think I can handle it. I make her cry way to fucking much. I have to make sure I never do this again.
"You can't just…just let me—"
I cut her off by pulling her inside and into my arms. My hands frame her face and I wipe the tears from her cheeks. Her eyes are brimming with tears and I think she's about to start crying all over again because she's afraid of me rejecting her. I'll never reject her. Anything she wants, I'll get it for her. I'll spend my life making sure she knows that.
I take a deep breath and think about what I should say. What I need to say so she knows I'm hers just as much as she's mine. That she'll never be alone again. That I plan on letting her in and never shutting her out.
"Harper, I…" I have to pause to fight the tightness of my throat. I've never felt an emotion as strong as this for someone in my entire life. It scares the hell out of me, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I clear my throat to start again, making sure I look right at her so she knows I'm not lying just to make her feel better. So she knows this is real and I mean every fucking word.
"I never thought I'd be able to love someone, Harper. Not after everything I've been through. But you," I let out a small laugh, "you came into my life and changed all that. I'm in love with you, Harper Rose. I have been for a really long time and just didn't know it," I say as I look into her eyes. She's crying all over again, but it's for a totally different reason now.
"Do you really mean that?" she asks with a smile tugging at the edge of her lips. I'm almost certain that I'm the only person that's ever said it and meant it and she's just having a really hard fucking time believing it. So I'm going to make sure to show her just how much I really love her for the rest of my fucking life. She deserves it.
"Yeah, I really do," I whisper before I lean in and give her a kiss. I pull back before I get too consumed. I have something I want to show her and I can't exactly do that if I start making out with her. "Go sit on the couch, I have something I want you to see."
As she walks to sit down, I go to my bedroom and pull out the leather bound journal she gave me three weeks ago. My fingers trace the edges as I think about if I really want to show this side of me to her or not. But in the end, there's no question. She was right about writing my nightmares down would help me—sometimes I go up to three nights without them in a row. The other day she vaguely suggested I show someone I trusted so I wouldn't have to keep it inside all the damn time, but I chickened out like usual even though I knew she was right about that, too.
But not now. I'm honest to God in love with her and I want to let her in. I want to show her all of me—the good, the bad, the ugly. Just like I plan on knowing all of that about her. I walk into the living room and sit down next to her with the journal on my lap.
She looks down at it and back up at me. "Roma, you don't have—"
"Yeah, I do. I love you, Harper. I want to let you in. I don't want to hide anything from you anymore," I say as I hand it over to her.
Her fingers trace the edges just like mine had only moments ago before looking back up at me. "Are you sure?"
I reach over and squeeze her hand. "I've never been more sure about anything. Go ahead."
….
Thirty minutes, 21 entries, and several tears later, Harper closes the book and climbs over to me. I pull her close to my chest and lean us sideways against the back of the couch since leaning against it is totally out of the question for me. She just sits there for a few minutes, either wondering why the hell she's with someone so fucked up or thanking God I'm still alive.
"Did all of that really happen to you?" she whispers against my chest.
None of the stuff with her in it did, obviously. Or the stuff that happened the few nights I had plain old fluffy as hell dreams. But some of it did. Hell, most of it did. At lot of fucking stuff happened to me those 3 days with him. And as much as I want to lie and tell her it's all just figments of my active as fuck imagination, I can't. She'll know I'm lying because she's so damn smart like that. I wouldn't lie to her anyway, either. I don't want to betray her trust like that.
"Some of it did, yeah."
She scoots in closer to me and presses the side of her face against my chest. "Did anything…worse happen?"
Her voice is barely a whisper and I know I should probably shield her from some of this, but I have to be honest. You don't screw over the people you love. "Sometimes. But it's okay."
"Roma, that's not okay. It's not okay that you had to go through that. It sounded like it was…truly horrific. And I don't even know everything that happened."
I can tell she's trying not to crumble into a heap of tears because she doesn't want to be selfish by the way her voice cracks as she whispers. But I'd act the same why if she told me something like this had happened to her. I really don't think I could handle knowing some sick bastard did this to her. So it's okay for her to cry. I'll be the one that's always here to hold her.
"It was. But it's okay now. I'm okay now. Well, I'm getting there. Thanks to you,. It might have been awful. But, it brought me to where I am today," I run my fingers down the side of my face as a tear starts to roll down my cheek, "and I wouldn't change that for the world. I mean it when I say I love you, Harper. I'd go through it all again if it meant having you in my life. I mean every single word."
She finally lets go and starts crying with me. And like I said, I'm the one here to hold her. I'll never let her go.
Chapter 20
Standing for fourteen hours straight in a pair of five-inch heels does not make for a happy Harper Rose. Unfortunately, that’s how long she had to stand today during our newest crime scene. As soon as she walked in the door she threw her shoes in a corner and limped towards her bedroom to find that sweatshirt I gave her. Less than three minutes later, I hear her start huffing and puffing because she can't find it, even though as soon as I walked in I saw it laying on the edge of her bed. That just made her freak out even more because she seriously thought she had lost her fucking mind.
So I did what any reasonable person would do and offered to rub her feet while she relaxed. Little did I know that would mean I'd have to be sitting here rubbing some coconut-vanilla-blahblahwhatever oil on her feet while she sits on the other end of the couch in nothing but that damn sweatshirt. And by nothing else, I mean nothing else. I can barely focus on anything but thinking about what's under it even though I know she has to be fucking exhausted.
"Roma," my head instantly jerks up from trying to stare a hole exactly where I know her tits would be, "are you okay?"
She has this smirk playing on her lips and I know I've been caught red handed. I can feel the flush creep up my cheeks. "Yeah, I've uh…been a little distracted. Sorry."
Apparently that's a good answer because it brings out her real smile and she pulls her feet off my lap. Just when I think she's about to crawl over to me, she jumps up and starts walking to her bedroom.
"Well, then, I have just the thing," she says over her shoulder as she disappears to her room.
She comes out a few minutes later carrying something that looks suspiciously like a shoe b
ox. If she's bringing me a pair of heels to wear—no fucking way. But if she's about to put 'em on and give me a show…how could I say no?
She sits down next to me and puts it on my lap. She tenses up as I pull the top off and look down in it. I can't even help the laugh that comes out as I see what it is. A clear, sparkly dildo. And Harper must definitely think I'd be well hung because it's pretty fucking huge. Now all I can think about is fucking her with it, but I know she's exhausted so I'm not sure where this is going.
"Is that okay?” she asks with a death grip on my arm. Apparently she thinks I'm appalled by it, but I'm so very fall from appalled. I'm just having really inappropriate thoughts of her ridding me.
"Uhm, yeah it's fine. If you wanted me to use one, all you had to do was ask."
"Oh," she said as she looks away before looking back, "So you've used one before?"
"Yeah. A few times." Okay, maybe more than a few times, but she's looking at me all disappointed so I can't exactly tell her that.
She tilts her head and furrows her brow. "Why have you never suggested using one before?"
"Well…I don't exactly need a dick to have sex with you, Harper," but then I actually start to wonder if she's rethinking this whole gay thing since I'm the first woman she's been with and get really fucking worried so I can't help but add, "Do I?"
She hears the apprehension and quickly tries to clear things up. "No, Roma. That's not what I meant. I just meant…" She trails off as she tries to find the right words to say. I can't even help but feel more than a little relieved. Until she starts talking again.
"Some…victims…have used this as a way of therapy to help them get over their trauma. By living it out. It helps replace, in their mind, something horrible that happened to them. So I thought that maybe you could do this to slowly—"
"Are you saying you want me to hurt you? Put you through what I went through so I can get better? You're my girlfriend, Harper, not my psychiatrist. If I wanted one, I'd go pay for one," I snap as I drop the box on the table in front of us.
She lets go of my arm and just sits there, stunned. I know I shouldn't have snapped at her like that, but I just can't do any of what I went through to her. Never in a million years.
I turn and bury my face in the crook of her neck and wrap her arms around her as tight as I can. I could never do any of that to her. Ever. "Harper, I won't ever hurt you like that, take anything out on you like that. Don't ask me to, because I won't. I can't. You mean too much to me," I utter as my voice starts to break.
She pulls her arms around me and starts rubbing my back—mindful of the scabs that have already formed in the past week. "Okay. Okay," she whispers," I just wanted to see if something like that might help you. But I won't ask you to again, it's okay."
I nod against her and lay back on the arm of the couch, pulling her with me against my chest. We lay like that for a few minutes before she looks over at the box and then back up at me. "So…does this mean we aren't ever going to use it? Or you're just not going to…act things out?"
I just raise my eyebrows. "I thought you were tired?"
"Roma." She says it in this 'You know better than to think I'd trade sex for sleep, don't be a damn idiot and fuck me already' tone, and it's all the convincing I need.
"Alright," I say through a smile.
It's quickly gone, though, as she straddles me and pulls off my shirt and bra in one fell swoop. It's so quick I swear I almost didn't know what happened. She reaches down and starts rubbing my tits as her mouth presses against mine. She tastes so sweet, all I can do is moan in her mouth. I reach down to pull off that damn sweatshirt like I've wanted to all night, but she hops off me before I can and grabs the box. I pull off my pants and underwear. Her eyes roam over me like she's about to fucking devour me and it's all I can do not to start fucking her right then and there. But she wants it like this, so it's how we're gonna do it.
She slides the harness up into position and tightens the straps to fit around my hips. The base of it is digging into me and I start involuntarily start trying to grind against it as she pulls off her sweatshirt and climbs back on top of me.
I'm not quite sure she knows exactly what she's gotten herself into. When it comes to fucking like this, I'm a marathon runner not a sprinter. I'll surely be doing this all fucking night. She lines it up with her entrance and lowers herself down on it with a hiss escaping her mouth. Like I said, it's fucking huge. I dig my fingers into her hips and start moving her slowly up and down for the first few strokes, getting her used to it.
After a while she starts bouncing harder and higher against me, making sure to grind down so the base hits my clit every time. I look up and moan; the sight of her getting herself off could seriously make me come all by itself. Her tits are bouncing right in front of my face, sweat is beading on her smooth stomach, her perfect hair is flying everywhere, her eyes looking right at me as her mouth parts open as she pants and moans.
I buck up hard into her and she screams out and falls forward, giving my chest a tight squeeze. I wince as her nails lightly break the skin, but it doesn't stop me from thrusting up hard again and again.
Her head falls forward against my shoulder. "Harder. Go harder."
I love being able to turn her brain into mush. I trust that she'll always tell me if I'm hurting her so if she wants harder, then harder she'll get. I reach around and grab her ass, yanking her down against me every time I thrust up into her. The sounds she's making against my neck are too much and I come first, but it doesn't even come close to making me stop. It just makes me crave even more. I keep thrusting up and into her and the same rate I’m pulsing against the harness. Harper cries out and her whole body tenses as she comes before laying over against me. I ease up so she can ride it out until her body jerks away from being too sensitive.
Her chest pushes into mine as she tries to catch her breath. I'm trying not to move since I know she's not ready yet, but I just don't think I can stay like this much longer. Like I said, I'm a marathon runner when it comes to this.
"Ready," I rasp out, my voice deeper than usual.
She nods her head and that's all I need. I stand up, still inside her and wrap her legs around my waist. Her hands automatically grip my shoulders for more leverage.
"So good, so good," she moans out as she starts thrusting herself down on me. This position isn't the best for how my back is feeling, but it doesn't even matter to me at this point. Her head falls forwards as she starts bouncing and bucking against me. My hands gripping her things feel the muscles tensing with the exertion she's putting into it.
"Oh…gah…this…Roma," she moans out, starting to get incomprehensible as she moves faster and harder against me.
It's so fucking sexy seeing her work herself like this, but I know she has to be getting tired. I move us down to the couch with her underneath me without moving out of her. I pull her legs up on my shoulders and start thrusting into her again. My face is right at her tits, so I start licking and biting at them, causing to her to moan even louder. It's the best sound I've ever heard; I'll never get tired of this.
The harness starts pushing down against my clit it the best fucking way possible as she starts clenching around me. I know I'm not going to last much longer this time and she knows it, too. She starts ramming back against me every time I thrust in, pushing it back harder against me.
"Come inside me, Roma. Come inside me again," she moans out through heavy pants for air.
Her saying that is all it fucking takes. I clench my teeth and let go, my orgasm washes over me in waves. I pause only for few seconds as it takes over, but Harper's having none of it. She uses her legs on my shoulders as leverage and starts pushing against me. By the look on her face, I can tell she's close so I gather myself and start pushing back into her the best I can when my limbs feel like fucking jelly.
"So close, Roma. So…close," she gasps out. Two more thrusts is all it takes for her to come undone. Her back arches up off the couch before f
alling back down against it. I work her down and slowly pull out before I slump down against her.
We lay like that, breathing hard for a few minutes before either one of us can speak.
"Roma, that was…" She trails off, not even being able to finish her sentence. I smile to myself as I realized I just caused Harper fucking genius Rose be speechless.
I lean up and kiss her on her lips before I pull away and push back inside her. "Yeah. And we aren't done, yet."
Chapter 21
Androgyny at its finest. That's exactly what I look like right fucking now. Even with my hair loosely pulled back in a low, curly ponytail. Harper has me shoved in some fancy as hell Armani suit that I didn't ask her to buy with a mask that makes me look exactly like the phantom of the opera dude. I almost shoved the damn dildo down the front of my pants to confuse people even more, but I don't even have to when I look like this.
I look over at Harper from the driver's seat of her Benz—that she let me drive without even having to ask—and I really, really don't want to go anywhere but back home so I can get her naked. She's wearing this short black dress thing that would be borderline tacky on anyone else and an expensive as hell mask that only covers the area around her eyes. It's beyond sexy and I don't even know if I'm going to be able to contain myself.