Losing Control

by Sybil Smith

  "Are you sure you want to go in?" I ask as the valet starts walking towards us.

  Harper turns to me and tilts her head, like she doesn't really want to go in either. "My parents host this masquerade every Halloween and I'm expected to attend. But if you don't want to stay," she turns and looks over to her parents fucking mansion, "I suppose I can go alone."

  Ugh. Fuck. As much as I don't want to go, I don't want her to go alone even less. Even if it does mean feeling out of place and meeting her parents. Which I really don't want to do. She's never said anything very bad about them, but she's never said anything particularly good, either. Which makes me think they're awful and she's just too polite to say it. I reach over and grab her hand. "I'm not going to let you go alone. You're stuck with me now even if you don't want to be," I say with a smile as the valet opens the door.

  I get out and walk to her side and help her out. I really don't see how she walks in those damn shoes. I swear they get taller every fucking day. She wraps her arm around mine and leans up to my ear as we start walking up the 54681 steps to the front door. "There's no one I'd rather be stuck with, Roma. I love you."

  Jesus Christ. What I wouldn't give to hear that every single minute of every day. I lean down and kiss her on the lips—which is sort of awkward with this mask covering the left side of my face. It doesn't stop either of us from smiling, though. "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't love you back. Only for you."

  She laughs and squeezes my arm as we walk inside. She knows she's got me wrapped around her finger and she fucking loves it.

  And holy fucking shit, I was right. It's a fucking mansion. The entry foyer is bigger than my whole apartment and it has a chandelier as big as the fucking Jumbotron at the Superbowl. People are turning and staring at us through their masks as we walk in. Every so often one will reach out and touch Harper's arm and tell her how glad they were she could make it. I feel like everyone knows I don't belong there even though I know it's just in my head. My self-proclaimed butch swagger is probably enough to make anyone swoon over me—I caught Harper, after all. Add that to this expensive as hell suit and I know I must be making an impression. Even if no one can really tell if I'm a guy or a girl. But I still feel uneasy as hell and Harper can sense it 'cause she's just perfect like that.

  She pushes up closer to me and leads me into this ballroom that's at least four times the size of my shitty apartment and pulls me to the floor where a ton of other people are doing a slow waltz thing. "Dance with me, Roma," she says through a smile.

  Part of me knows she did it to try and loosen me up and the other part knows she's just doing it to show me off just a little bit. I haven't heard any screams of horror, so I know her parents' must not have heard of our arrival just yet. I might as well dance with her while I have the chance.

  I pull her close to me and breathe her in as I start to slowly lead us around. Most people would think I'd be awkward as hell, but I went to more than enough family weddings in my youth to learn a thing or two. Granted, I'm nowhere as refined as Harper or anyone else in the room, but at least I'm not stepping on her toes and that seems to be good enough for her.

  I'm holding her hand and my other is wrapped around her waist. She's laid her head against my chest and I can feel her warm breath against my skin where a few of the buttons of my shirt are undone. There's nowhere else I'd rather be. "Thank you for asking me to come with you tonight."

  Her cheek moves against me and I can tell she's smiling. "Thank you for joining me."

  We dance pressed together like that for a few more minutes before I feel someone tap me on the shoulder. I turn and see some guy a little shorter than me dressed to the nines with a plain black mask on. His lips curve up into a mischievous smile and I can already tell I hate where this is going.

  "May I cut in?"

  Hell fucking no he can't cut in. Harper's my girlfriend and no one touches her but me. I go to tell him that, but then I remember I'm on her turf and don't exactly want to make a scene. Even if I'm fucking jealous as hell.

  "Maybe you should ask the lady," I say with a nod towards her.

  She momentarily gets confused but then picks up on what I'm doing. Or maybe she heard the territorial growl of my voice. Either way.

  He turns and looks at her and takes her hand before planting a kiss on it. My jaw hits the ground, I fucking swear. What the actual fuck.

  "May I have this dance, Harper," he asks as he stands back up.

  She pulls her hand back from him and puts it back on my shoulder. It takes away the sting of jealousy. Only a little though. I'm protective as hell when it comes to her. Just like I know she is with me.

  She gives him a polite smile and starts to turn herself back towards me. "I'm sorry, Grant. I'm quite alright where I am. Thank you, though."

  “Fucking bitch,” he mutters, almost under his breath. He turns and storms off with the grace of a three year old as soon as the words leave his mouth. She leans back against me and we start dancing in the same slow, small circles as we were before. I just can't rid the weird feeling I have about him. The way they said each other's names was just too familiar to be completely formal.

  "Who was that?" I ask in a tone that I hope is only curious and not too envious. She picks up on it, though.

  "He's a former acquaintance, Roma. I haven't seen him in quite a few years. There's no need to be worried."

  But the way she stresses 'acquaintance' lets me know they were much more than that. "Only an acquaintance?"

  I feel her take a deep breath against me and squeeze my hand tighter. "It could be described as more than an acquaintance, perhaps. But that's all he is now and that's all that matters, correct?"

  No. Not at all fucking correct. I don't like the thoughts of anyone putting their hands on her. Especially if they're going to come and sideswipe me out of the fucking blue. I've opened myself this much to her, there's no reason she can't fucking do the same for me. It's not like I'm going to go jump him in the middle of the fucking place, even if I don't have the best track record. I'd just really like to know.

  "Harper, you know you can tell me anything. I've let you see so much of my past that I'd thought I'd never share with anyone in my entire life. It's a two-way street here; it's only fair that you let me in, too."

  She nods against me. "You're right, Roma. I'm sorry," she stops to press herself closer to me, "It's no secret that Grant and I were engaged directly after college, I just don't like rehashing that part of my life."

  I'm not going to force her to talk about anything she doesn't want to. After all, she never forced me. She waited until I was ready, so that's exactly what I'm going to do for her. "Okay, that's fine. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

  We sway in silence for a few moments as I try to fight off the jealousy that's still coursing through me. Harper was engaged. Engaged to a man that surely has enough money for twelve lifetimes. A man that touched her in places that only I should be allowed to touch her. A man that probably only used her instead of saw her for how perfect she really fucking is. Well, I don't know that but it still makes me mad to think that he might have. I keep thinking about it until Harper's voice finally pulls me out of my head.

  "I thought I loved him, but I really only loved the idea of being in love with him. He put up with my eccentricities, but didn't accept them. He knew I wasn't good in social situations and never really had friends, but pushed me on to people he thought I should be friends with. He never really cared for me. He just…wanted to show me off as if I were a trophy in his collection. But you," she stops moving and brings her one of her hands up to my cheek not covered in the mask, "you've shown me what real love is, Roma. You accept everything about me. You appreciate everything about me and never ask me to be anyone other than who I am. There's no need to worry, because what I had with him couldn't even compare to what I have with you, Roma Raine."

  Now I feel like an asshole. And I feel like I want to do her right here and now. And
I also feel like I want to lavish her with roses and massages and love for the rest of my life because she's just so goddamn perfect. I feel all of that at the same time and it's confusing the hell out of me.

  "Come on," I whisper as I lead her out towards another room in the house. I should probably let her lead since she used to live here, but who fucking cares.

  I ignore the stares of everyone as I drag her into an office right off the lobby. I kick the door shut with my foot and tug both of our masks off. I pull her to where her mouth is against mine and kiss her. It's frenzied. Devouring. Overwhelming. I love her so much I can't even put it into words and try to show it with every move of my lips and tongue against hers.

  She's just as in on this as I am though because before I know it she's yanking the tie out of my hair and pulling me down against her as she falls backwards onto a leather couch. I move to where I'm sucking and biting at her neck and grabbing her tits through the dress. She opens her legs wider and wraps her ankles around my ass as I start to roll my hips against her.

  "Touch me, Roma. I need you to—" I cut her off by pulling her dress down low enough to suck on her nipple as I push two fingers inside her, thankful she decided to forgo underwear.

  "Yes,” she pants out as I start working harder and faster inside of her. She's soaking wet and I know she won't take long as it is, but I really want to taste her. I move down to where I'm in between her legs and tentatively swipe my tongue through the length of her without slowing down my fingers. Her hips buck up off the couch and I know it definitely won't take much more.

  I keep pushing my fingers in and out of her as hard as I can at this angle and pull her clit into my mouth. Her nails dig into my scalp as I suck harder and flick my tongue against it. I can feel her clenching around my fingers and go to give one final tug on her clit when I hear the door click open.

  We both instantly freeze as we realize neither of us locked the door. Harper frantically starts pulling her dress up to cover her tits and I pull her dress down over her ass and leap up just in time to see two people standing at the doorway, slack jawed and staring.

  I look over at Harper and her face is beet red and I know mine has to be, too. She sits up and gives one final adjustment to her dress before standing up and pulling me with her.

  "Mother, Father,” she starts. “This is Roma. My girlfriend."

  Chapter 22

  I awkwardly shove my hands in my pockets so no one tries to shake them—even though I doubt they would since they just saw me knuckle deep in their daughter—and look up at them. No one has said anything in at least three minutes, the silence is killing me. My need for control instantly floods through me when I feel helpless like I feel right now. I have to do something about it.

  I take a step closer to Harper—who's clinging onto my arm like it's a fucking life vest—and nod my head at them. "It's nice to finally—"

  "Harper Rose, This is certainly no way for someone of our esteemed background to act," the shrill voice of her bitch ass mother cuts me off. "Not only did you publicly reject Grant, you also ran off to a room to—to do that," her arms wave towards us, "with her, knowing that our guests knew perfectly well what you were doing!"

  I'm not even sure if I know which part her Mother is more offended with, all I can see is the fucking fire blazing in her eyes. She's giving me a look that's easily 100 times worse than any my mother has ever given me. Not to mention how it feels like her father is standing there with his arms crossed silently threatening to kill me. I feel so awkward I don't even know what to do but fucking stand there and try to focus on breathing. I hate feeling like things are out of my hands, and this so clearly is.

  Harper looks up at me and then back over at them when I make no move to explain things. She surely knows how to handle her own parents better than I do since I only met them 10 minutes ago. In the worst fucking way possible.

  She tentatively takes a step towards them, pulling me with her. " Grant is a grown man, he should realize that not even money can buy him everything. And as for Roma, " she looks up to me and I pull her closer, realizing the need for emotional and physical support as her voice wavers and leans against me, "Roma makes me happy. Doesn't that matter to you?"

  Her voice was a strained whisper as she finished. I just want to pick her up, carry her out, and never look back. But I don't have the chance to do anything. Her mother closes the gap and grasps Harper's face in her hand, squeezing tight enough to almost leave bruises, I'm fucking sure. She pulls her face until Harper's looking up at her. "Of course I care about your happiness, darling. I know you will learn to be happy with Grant," she drops her hand from Harper's face but doesn't move away, "Image is everything,” she looks me over before looking back, "and there is no place for her in our world. For as smart as you are, I'm surprised you didn't think about that before."

  I've had enough of this bullshit. No one treats Harper like this, not even her own parents. I could easily arrest her for assault or some shit, but I'd rather not make matters even worse so I just decide to chew her the fuck out. I stand to where I'm towering over her, not even concerned about Harper's dad in the corner. He didn't move in to help Harper so he's just as guilty as far as I'm concerned. "Listen, lady. You obviously don't—"

  "—Roma." I stop talking and look over to Harper. She pulls my arm down to stop my accusatory finger from flying all around her mother's face and wipes the tears from her cheeks. "Stop, Roma. She's right."

  It feels like my fucking heart literally stops beating. I let her see the parts of me I was convinced no one should ever see. I let her in. I fucking love her—and she's going to throw me to the curb just like that. I should've fucking known better to think that something would honestly go my way for once. I see the smirk on her mother's face and I refuse to give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Of seeing me be weak. I'm done with that shit for the rest of my fucking life.

  I turn and walk out the door without looking back. Not even when I'm in the lobby and hear Harper yell my name from the study. People are turning and staring and I know my face is burning red, but I don't even fucking care. I don't even stop until I'm out the door and down the stairs and realize I drove Harper's car and don't even have a fucking way to get home except to call a cab.

  I walk the half mile—literally—down the driveway before I get to the road. I pull out my phone to call a cab, and only then do I realize I'm crying. Fucking bawling, is more like it. I lean back against the brick pillars that hold the gates and bring my hands up to my face. I can't stop crying no matter how hard I try. I never cry. My chest feels like it is caving in.

  I honestly thought I would have some consolation for going through what that fucking monster did to me, but no. The one good thing in my life is gone. I didn't even fight for her. I just ran away from it all and I'm ashamed. And I'm fucking pissed at her for just ending us so fucking easily. She helped me fight my own demons and I know I was helping her, too.

  I start crying harder as I realize I'll never be able to smell the smell that's just so simply her as I hug her. I'll never get to run my fingers through her hair as she lays on my lap while we watch one of those fucking documentaries I would sit through with her just because she liked them. I would never get to feel the softness of her lips on mine as I kiss her for absolutely no reason at all. I'll just never get to do anything, feel anything with her ever again because she threw me away for the image her parents craved. I always knew I wasn't worth it. I always knew she deserved more. But it doesn't make the sting of someone calling me out on it hurt any less.

  I rub my face and stand up as I pull out my phone to call a cab. I start to push the buttons when I hear the distinct click, click that I've come to know all too well. I look up and see Harper running at me as fast as she can in those fucking heels she insists on wearing.

  "Roma! Roma, wait," she yells out through pants as she finally reaches me.

  She runs into me and wraps her arms around me and squeezes as tight as she can as
I lightly stumble backwards. Her face presses against my chest and her body is trembling. I wrap my arms around her. Even if we aren't together anymore, I want her to know I'm always going to fucking be here for her just like I said I would be.

  I wipe wind-blown hair away from her face with one hand and rub her back with the other. "Harper, it's…I just want what's best for you. I know I'm not worth—"

  She pulls back and looks up at me. "Don't say that, Roma. You're worth more than everything to me," she whispers.

  I drop my hands from her and furrow my brow. This doesn't make any fucking sense. "What… I don't know what you mean. You basically just told me—"

  "No," she reaches up and cups my face, "No, I just said she was right. She was right about image being everything to her. She was right about saying you don't belong in her world. Quite frankly, neither do I. And I'm so inexplicably happy that we don't, Roma," she intertwines her hands with one of mine and brings it up against her heart. "Only selfish, egotistical, callous people belong in her world. People who care more about money than love, people who care more about social standing than happiness…those are the people my parents choose to associate with."

  She leans up and gives me a soft kiss before wrapping her arms back around me and resting her head on my shoulder. "We are none of those things, Roma, and I'm so entirely glad we don't belong there."

  I can't do anything but rest my cheek on top of her head and pull her closer. I thought I had lost her. I thought I had lost the best part of me. But instead, I got to see just how much she would throw away to be with me. Just how much she needs me. Just how much she really thinks I'm worth. I want to be able to show her exactly how much she means to me and how much I'd do for her, too. Even if it takes the rest of my life to do so. "I love you, Harper. I'll never leave you like that again. I need you too much."

  "Promise?" she asks from her spot against my neck.

  I give her one last squeeze and let her go so we can walk back to get the car. "Promise."