Losing Control

by Sybil Smith

  To think that I almost missed out on this unbelievable happiness—that I almost shut her out like everyone else after him—unnerves me to the point that I fake a yawn to cover up the watering of my eyes. I never want to let go of this feeling. I really hope I never have to.

  Mom opens my horribly wrapped box and pulls out a coat she's wanted for months. It's nothing as expensive as something Harper would buy, but it was still just out of my mother’s price range. She couldn't justify spending more than a hundred dollars on a coat. Especially after my dad left. But, she would still walk past Bourgoni's every single day and look at that coat in the window. I just had to get it for her.

  And by the size of her smile, I'm glad I did. "I didn't think you knew I wanted this, Roma. But, it's too much."

  I laugh and shake my head. "Someone would have to be blind to not see how much you wanted that thing. And no, it's not. You deserve it."

  She gives me a knowing smile as she remembers what she said in the kitchen about me. And, she does deserve this. She blamed herself for over a year about my father leaving, even though it had nothing to do with her. She's just as self-deprecating as much as I am. Hell, maybe it runs in the family.

  Harper leans over and hands Mom the bag and I hold my breath. I've never been this worried about a gift before. I swear this better not be about my mother's sex life.

  Mom starts struggling with the strings as she tries to open it. Leave it to Harper to child-proof a gift bag.

  "It's stain resistant, so it'll be much better than the one you already have," Harper says as Mom still tries to pluck at the strings.

  Stain resistant? Better than the one Mom already has? Oh god. It's a fucking dildo or vibrator or something. I just know it.

  "The dips and contours are not only aesthetically pleasing, but also feels quite pleasant against the skin." I close my eyes and take a deep breath. This cannot be happening. Someone needs to fucking save me.

  Mom finally gets the damn bag open and I hesitantly open one eye. I know I should have a little more faith in Harper, but I'm scared. I never want to think about what Mom may or may not find pleasing.

  I open both eyes as Ma starts laughing and pulls a bedspread out of the bag. Not where I saw this going, but I'm not complaining.

  "It's imported from Italy and made with the finest silk." I give Harper's hand a squeeze. She's too fucking generous sometimes. No telling what that cost her. "I thought since Roma and I ruined the last one, it was only fair of me to replace it."

  And it's back to sex. I knew it wouldn't just be a bedspread. I lean my head against the back of the couch and rub my face. "Harper, why—"

  "—It's nice to see that at least one of you is sorry," Mom cuts me off with a smug grin on her face. I will never live down that night we had our drunken sex in the guest room. Never. She looks back to my girlfriend. "Thank you, Harper. I love it."

  Harper beams. I doubt her mother ever appreciated any of the gifts Harper gave. I really wish I could go back and change a lot for her. It's really not any fair.

  Mom walks over to the tree and I lean my head on Harper's shoulder. "You did good, Harp. She really does love it."

  Before she can say anything back, Mom plops a box down on each of our laps. They're definitely wrapped better than what I could do.

  I already know what it is, but Harper doesn't and I can't wait to see her face. She looks at me and I nod my head—silently telling her to go first. She pulls at the seams, careful not to rip the paper. It's not like it'll be used again, but she has her quirks just like I have mine.

  She opens the box and gasps as she pulls the ornament from the little box. It's silver, plain, not much to look at. But Mom has gotten them for us every year since we were born. I honestly didn't know she was getting Harper one, but I'm really glad she did.

  Mine only says 'Roma Raine' and the current year like always, but not hers. Hers says 'Harper Rose' and right under it—instead of the year –are the words 'Welcome to the family.'

  I'm not even concerned about Harper thinking this is about me maybe proposing to her—because she isn't. This is so much more than that to her. I've told her she was a part of my family, but until now it never really sank in. Now she gets it though. Even if something happens with us, even if we don't make it past tomorrow…she will always be part of this family because she will always have a spot on that tree. If you're lucky enough to get that, no one is ever going to turn their back on you around here. She'll always be a part of this and no one will ever disown her or belittle her or treat her any less than she deserves. And knowing what I know about her parents, that must mean so much more than I can imagine.

  "Thank…you," she manages to sob out as Ma pulls her up and into a hug.

  "You're my daughter now. You'll always be part of this family, like it or not."

  Chapter 31

  We finally get back home and I give Harper one of her gifts. It's cheesy, not very pretty, and mostly because I broke her favorite coffee mug last week. I went to some pottery shop and painted the words 'I love you' on it in some special paint and they sealed it on. The words are uneven, imperfect—much like myself. The old me would've stayed for hours to make it just right, to try and control the outcome. But, not now. My mug is imperfect and so am I. Harper wouldn't have it any other way.

  She laughs and gives me a soft kiss. "I love you, too."

  Giving her something like this was just what I needed to ease my nerves. I can do this. I know I can. Harper reaches under the tree to grab a box for me, but I pull her hand back in between mine. "I have one more I want to give you first…if that's okay?"

  "Of course," she says, the lights from the tree we decorated shining light on her hair as she nods her head. She's beautiful. And she's even more beautiful sitting sideways in my lap under our Christmas tree.

  I reach behind her and grope around for the sloppily wrapped box I tucked the smaller one in. I finally get it and put it down on her lap. She turns it over and over in her hands.

  "I must say that this is the most….unique gift wrapping I have ever seen."

  Okay, maybe I went a little heavy on the tape. "Don't be a smartass," I say through a laugh.

  "It's better than being a dumb one, don't you think?" Her eyes are dancing in that playful way I love so much. She's had a good night. I only hope this makes it better.

  She finally finds a seam she can grasp into and pulls off the paper. The way she's sitting on me, I can only see the side of her face as she looks down at her lap, but it's enough. She gasps as she takes the lid off the brown box and sees the smaller velvet one inside.

  Her hands tremble as she lifts it up without opening it. I begin my speech before she flips the lid up. "At first, I was scared of you. Well, for you. I was scared I would ruin you for the rest of the world. But now," I say as my fingers struggle with it. It finally snaps open and she sucks in a deep breath. I'm really scared she'll say no. "But now, I'm not scared for you anymore. I like to think I made you a little bit better along the way, just like you made me so incredibly much better."

  She picks the ring up from the box and reads the inscription inside. I know she gets how important those two little words are: I'm yours.

  I reach up and brush her cheek. "I mean it, Harper. I'm yours. I'm yours to break, to destroy, to punish, to kiss, to love, to caress, to ignore, to possess, to own. I am yours."

  I never thought I'd see the day where I gave over my control so utterly, so completely to someone else. And quite frankly, I don't think she thought I would either. But here I am, telling her that I'm hers. Everything about me belongs to her, too, now. I wouldn't want to belong to anyone else.

  She hasn't said anything, so I guess I better ask so I can at least let go of this massive breath I feel like I'm holding in. "So, I guess what I'm trying to say is: Harper Rose, will you—"

  "—Wait," she says as she holds a finger up to my lips. I go to say something, but she crawls off me, under the tree, and the back into my lap. "O
pen this first."

  I look at her, warily. This definitely was not how I thought this would pan out. "Oh-kay."

  My fingers fumble with her precise as hell wrapping. We are so different, it's astounding. Under the paper is a plain navy blue box. I lift the lid and holy shit. There's a little velvet box inside this one, too. No way. I look up and her and she's smiling and nodding her head with watery eyes.

  I open the little box and see a plain silver band. Exactly what I would've picked for myself—she knows me too well. I definitely wasn't expecting this, though. "I—"

  "Read the engraving," she says as another happy tear falls from her eye.

  I pick up the ring and look inside. In Harper's perfect handwriting are the words "Yours, always."