Bucking Wild

by Maggie Monroe

  I shoved the door open and Jessica walked ahead of me. Her ass was round and tight. I groaned to myself, knowing what I should want to do to it. How six months ago, I would have kissed her and stroked her in the parking lot until she begged for more.

  “My hotel is this way.” I pointed, staying a step or two behind her so I could take in her legs. I followed her thighs, watching them slice back and forth. Nothing.

  She fumbled with her purse and I heard something drop to the pavement. “Shit,” she whispered. She bent over, the jersey hung loosely from her chest, and I caught a full glimpse of her heaving tits. Fuck. My cock should be hard as steel by now.

  I shook my head.

  “Something wrong?” she asked.

  “Darlin’, I think I’m just going to make sure you get home. I’ll hail a cab for you.”

  “What? Why? Did I do something?” Her face fell with disappointment.

  I stood on the sidewalk, waving down any yellow taxi I could. One pulled up to the cubr and I opened the passenger door for her.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing at all. Not a damn thing.”

  And that was the truth. This woman dripped of sex. And it didn’t do anything for me. I didn’t want her.

  “But maybe breakfast?” she pleaded.

  I shook my head. “Not this trip. Have a good night.”

  “But—”

  I closed the door and tapped the top of the cab to send her back into traffic. I watched the taillights fade as the taxi rounded the corner.

  Maybe tonight I had been ready to let go of the anger, but I crossed the street knowing I wasn’t ready to let go of everything else. Not yet.

  32

  Sierra

  I managed to make it through another week before I knew exactly what I had to face.

  At our round table production meeting I had rushed out of the conference room, feigning a stomach virus. I had ended up in the women’s room throwing up into the first trash can I could find.

  There was also my sudden aversion to poultry. Just the thought of a turkey sandwich or a drumstick made me gag. It was the weirdest thing. It came out of nowhere. And I was late. I never kept track of my period, but I was beyond late. It all added up to one explanation. One impossible, hard-to-believe, unreal explanation.

  I walked into the drugstore. At the end of the family planning aisle was a shelf with box after box of kits and tests. There were so many options with purple and pink labels they made my head spin. I grabbed the first three I spotted and rushed to the counter. I didn’t read the percentages or the response rates.

  The clerk took his time ringing me up and even asked if I wanted to join the rewards club.

  “No,” I shuffled impatiently on my feet. I had finally gotten up the courage to walk in here and I had to pee something fiercely. “I’m good.”

  He handed the plastic bag to me and I hurried to the car. I was only a few blocks from home.

  At some point I knew the ice cravings and sudden hot flashes weren’t because I was in Texas. We weren’t going through a heat wave. October wasn’t that cruel.

  And then there was the constant peeing and my boobs were killing me. They were prickly and almost hot to the touch. Something was going on with my body. It might have been eight years ago, but there was a sensation that came over me that I distinctly remembered. My tongue felt dry and I couldn’t believe how dizzy I was. I had to face the possibility that the impossible had happened.

  I knew my IUD wasn’t one hundred percent effective, but given my past history, I used it as an emergency backup. Pregnancy wasn’t something I thought I’d face again without serious medical intervention. And my doctor seemed to dole out IUDs to all her patients in their twenties. She said it was the most popular birth control, so I went with it.

  I took the elevator to my floor, clutching the bag between my sweaty palms.

  I dropped my keys at the door and was hit with a wave of vertigo went I bent to pick them up.

  “Oh God.” I clutched the wall for support, trying to stand up without falling over.

  As soon as I opened the door I sprinted to the bathroom, tore open the first box in the bag without reading the instructions, and held it under me.

  I swore after the last time I’d never take another pregnancy test like that again. The next time I was going to be married. It was all going to be planned. Down to the birth month. And my husband and I would sit on the edge of the bed waiting for the results. We’d make jokes and be nervous. Giggling together and worried together. Maybe even daring the other one to look at it first.

  But hell no, that wasn’t how this was playing out. I was alone. Completely alone. I looked at my phone for the hundredth time, waiting for the minutes to tick by.

  What was I going to do when I read the results? How was I going to tell Blake? Or what if it was negative? Maybe I wasn’t pregnant and instead I had some horrible incurable illness. Maybe I was alone and sick. My fingers began to shake. I had to know what was happening. I needed the truth.

  I picked up the stick on the counter and sank to my knees.

  I knew the answer before the flashing words told me what my body had been screaming for weeks.

  I was pregnant.

  33

  Blake

  The wind whipped hard across the sound. It cut to the bone it was so damn cold. I couldn’t stay long, but a few days here was what I needed. A place to figure out why this season had been harder than any other. Why no matter what I did, I couldn’t keep the team together.

  While the rest of the team was in Cabo for the weekend mending bruised egos, I was back on the island, looking for the answers I only found in this place.

  A place I could be quiet. A place I could think away from the noise and the speculation. Orlando had given up on us. The fans were disgusted. The commentators saw the writing on the wall. The Thrashers were wasting talent every Sunday.

  I still had to make it through the rest of the season knowing everyone had given up.

  I tossed a log on the fire I had made in the pit behind the house. I took a sip of beer and cushioned my guitar in my lap.

  The strings stung my fingers as I strummed the first chord. Every part of me felt the chill through the wire. But it was what I needed. I wanted to linger in the numbness as I drank myself drunk. As I watched the flames turn to embers. As I sang words I didn’t have the guts to admit to anyone else except an empty backyard.

  The fire crackled as I put the song together, one broken thought after another. I reached for the last beer in the case. How in the hell was I all out of beer? Maybe if the Thrashers released me I had a backup career. I kicked the coals with the heel of my boot. Fuck. That wasn’t even funny.

  I didn’t have anything if I didn’t have football. I shook my head. It was worse than that—I didn’t have anything if I didn’t have her.

  And that’s what I had to face here. That’s why I truly came back in the middle of the season. I never showed my face here in the fall.

  I had to let go of Sierra once and for all, or I was going to re-break over and over. There wasn’t anything I could do until I said goodbye. She was like a ghost on this island. I saw glimpses of her when I drove over the bridge. Every corner took me back to the first time and the last.

  I knew there was a bottle of bourbon in the house somewhere. I staggered inside, fumbling for the lights and grabbed the bottle from the back of the kitchen cabinet.

  I twisted off the top, feeling the thirst pool in my mouth for the relief of the whiskey. My salvation might be in the bottom of that bottle. I tipped it back and strolled to the fire.

  I picked up the guitar and let the words tumble.

  I had to remember before I could forget. I knew she had forgotten. Tonight I’d drink the whiskey. I’d let the fire burn and I’d remember enough for the both of us.

  34

  Sierra

  It was hard to believe this morning I was sitting on the floor in my tiny apartment crying my
eyes out and now I was here.

  My hands trembled as I parked the car in front of the boathouse. This had to be the single most insane thing I had ever done. I looked through the window of the workshop building and saw a figure walk past the glass. An instant swirl of butterflies descended on my stomach, followed by nausea.

  Of all the nights for Emily to work late, this would be the one. I needed her. Needed her more than any other time. It was nine o’clock, and my phone hadn’t rung once. I had left her three desperate voicemails.

  I had rushed straight to the airport with the pregnancy test in my purse. Luckily, flights between Raleigh and Dallas were frequent—I was on the next flight to Raleigh three hours later, and touching down in my home state at five o’clock.

  It had all happened so fast; I didn’t have a great plan. All I knew was I had to get to Blake. I thought that was going to be tracking him down in Orlando, but with a quick online search I read that he had gone home while the rest of the team was in Mexico.

  I watched the shadowy figure pass by the window again. Well, I didn’t just spend a fortune and fly across halfway across the country to sit in my car. I pushed open the car door and walked toward the boathouse office.

  I bit down on my bottom lip. I knew Blake wouldn’t be excited to see me. He had made that clear months ago. It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried to call. Every time his phone rang it went straight to voicemail. I didn’t have a choice. I had to do this. I had to live in truth this time. It was the right thing to do—the only thing I could do. I knocked on the door.

  “Hold on.” I heard the friendly voice through the other side.

  “Sierra?” Cole stepped back with a puzzled look on his face. “What are you doing here?”

  “Can I come in?” I smiled, feeling my knees go weak. I’d come so far, but now that I was here I was losing my nerve. And I couldn’t count on body not to roll with nausea at any second.

  The plane ride had been uncomfortable and embarrassing enough.

  “Yeah, come on in.” Cole pulled the door to the side, allowing me to step inside. “So, I’m just going to guess you’re here to see Blake.”

  I twirled on the heels of my boots. “Good guess. Is he here?” I wasn’t sure if I should hope he would appear from the office.

  When I played this scenario out in my head, it didn’t include Cole.

  “Yes and No. How did you know he was on the island and not Orlando?”

  I shrugged, embarrassed to tell him I had stalked his cousin’s social media accounts. Everywhere Blake went there were pictures. I knew he had landed in Raleigh yesterday. That only meant one thing—he was here. He had a bye week. The team was off for almost two weeks.

  “A good guess?” I faked dumb.

  “Well, he’s not here. He’s up at the Dock House. It’s Tuesday. You remember Tuesday nights around here, don’t you?” He had taken a seat on a nearby stool.

  “Of course I do. I just didn’t know where I’d find him, so I thought I’d try here first.” The disappointment that Blake wasn’t here washed over me. Or was it relief?

  “Don’t look so sad, girl. He’ll be back.”

  I took a step toward the door. I hadn’t flown hours and then driven three more to sit around and wait for Blake to show up. I had to get this over with.

  “Thanks, I’m going to go see him.”

  “I guess some things don’t change.” Cole exhaled.

  “What does that mean?”

  “You always going after what you want—same ol’ Sierra.” Cole smiled.

  “Some things do change,” I replied softly. I had to fight the instinct to rest my hand on my belly.

  Cole’s playful banter face transformed to shock.

  “What’s going on? Why are you here?”

  “To see Blake,” I answered.

  “Uh-huh. And you just showed up here on a Tuesday night?”

  “We need to talk. Ok? We left a lot of things unresolved at the end of the summer.”

  “That’s what you call it?”

  I felt the tingles of panic work through my body. “Why? Did he say something to you? Do you know something, Cole?”

  He backed up. “I’m not getting in the middle of this again. I played my part when you left the first time. I watched the destruction of my cousin implode in front of my eyes.”

  “Wow. I didn’t know you thought that about me.”

  He hung his head. “I don’t, Sierra. But you two need to get your shit straight. You belong together, not apart. And the sooner you both figure it out, the sooner you can stop hurting each other.”

  “That’s why I’m here,” I admitted.

  “Good.” He shoved his hands in his pockets.

  “Could you do something for me? A small favor?” I asked.

  “Depends.”

  “Could you give me time to get there? Please don’t tell him I’m here. I need to talk to him. It’s important.” I was suddenly more afraid than ever that if he knew I was on the way he might be the one to run this time.

  “I can do that.” He grinned.

  I looked at the clock on the wall. “I need to go if I’m going to catch him.”

  “Aw, you’ll be fine. He’ll be there ’til closin’ time.” Cole winced as soon as the words were out of his mouth.

  My smile changed quickly. “What are you saying? He planned to stay out all night?”

  I tried to keep the jealousy and suspicions out of my voice, but it was hard to forget the fan girl groupies who were always waiting for Blake after his shows. Any one of them would be more than happy to go home with him, if he gave them the chance. A sour pit formed in my stomach.

  “You’ve been gone almost two months, girl. I think you need to get down there and see for yourself.” Cole walked to the office and turned off the lights.

  I fumbled with the doorknob and walked out, the briskness of October wrapping around my shoulders. Cole was right behind me. I looked at the rental car and thought of the twenty-minute drive to the Dock House. I wasn’t sure I could make it there; my emotions were all over the place.

  Cole patted me on the shoulder before walking to his Jeep. “Enjoy the show. It was good seeing you.” He climbed in and peeled onto the road before I could pepper him with more questions about Blake. I wasn’t prepared for what I was going to say to him. How did I tell him he was about to become a father?

  Damn it. I better get this over with.. I sent the car into drive and made my way to Oakton, to Blake.

  35

  Sierra

  Tuesday nights in October were a far cry from the crowded summer nights I was used to. I pulled into an empty parking space close to the Dock House sidewalk. Blake’s truck wasn’t here, but Cole had told me this was where he was for the night.

  This was the last place I should be. The absolute last place. I’d woken up this morning in hot and dusty Dallas, and now I was standing outside of the Dock House while boats rocked in their slips.

  My heel made a hollow sound as it hit the parking lot pavement. I slammed the car door behind me and inhaled, taking in this place and all the memories we had made.

  The wind whipped through my hair. I hesitated. This was all wrong. I shouldn’t be here. But I had to know. I had to see him again.

  I pushed open the door, my heart in my throat, my palms dewy with perspiration, my breath fevered.

  Was any of it real, or had it all just been a flash of summer heat?

  I didn’t know whether to run into the bar screaming his name or sneak in like a spy. Right now, nothing made any sense.

  I took a deep breath and walked through the door, opting for the less dramatic entrance choice. The lights were low and candles dotted the tables. From behind the bar, I saw the bartender leaning on her elbows, eyes fixed on the stage. I scanned the room, skipping over the locals who were listening to the performance. There he was, sitting on the stage, holding his guitar. I walked in as the song he was playing ended.

  The handful of drinkers start
ed clapping. I’d never seen the place so empty.

  “One more before I take a break, y’all.” Blake spoke into the mic. “This is something new I just wrote. So just indulge me for a minute. I’m bearing a little of my soul tonight.”

  My throat tightened. I stepped one foot in front of the other and slid into an open seat at the back of the bar. I thought maybe the shadows would protect me. He couldn’t see me in the dark corner.

  “Whoooo, baby. You sing whatever you want!” one of the fan girls shouted from a nearby bar stool.

  I shot her a death stare.

  Blake’s laugh filled the bar. “Calm down, Cece. I’ll play your song in the next set.”

  I thought he winked at the girl. Maybe this was a mistake. A huge mistake. What was I thinking coming here? That he would be different? That he would change? That he had held a flame for me as deep and heated as the one I held for him.

  No matter how I tried, this man was etched in my soul. He was everything to me. I knew that before I found out about the baby. I’d known it since our first kiss. I knew it at our last kiss. My ribs pinched together at the thought that there was someone else in the picture. He had moved on so quickly. And I had mourned him. I had cried for us.

  One note launched into the air, followed by another, then Blake started to sing.

  Summer winds in your hair

  Feeling more than the salty air

  I should have known when you smiled

  That you were taking my heart

  When you left this sleepy town

  So why did you have to kiss me like that?

  Girl, why did you have to kiss me like that?

  With our feet in the sand

  And your body in my hands

  There was no way to keep from

  Falling under your spell

  So why did you have to kiss me like that?

  Girl, why did you have to kiss me like that?

  Summer rolled out like a wave