How to Be Someone Else

by Rachel Del

  I sighed as I reached for it, my eyes already on the bookshelf. My thumb moved over the gold lettering and for a brief moment, I was back in the bookstore in La Jolla, meeting P.J. for the first time. If only I could rewind time back to that moment. I’d have made a lot of different decisions … better decisions. And then maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess: no best friend, no manuscript, and no mentor. If I could go back, I’d let my heart take the lead.

  I shook the thought from my head. Real life isn’t like that. It’s not like The Second Time Around; you don’t get a second chance at the past. You don’t get to right your wrongs and end up with the boy.

  I allowed the feeling of regret to bubble in the pit of my stomach as I glanced down at the book once more.

  What?

  I was losing it. I had to be.

  Because it wasn’t P.J.’s name on the cover.

  The book dropped to the floor, landing on its back. I eyed it uneasily. Everything about it was the same as it always had been; the poppy red, the raised, gold lettering. Except … there was no mistaking it. Where it had once said P.J. Hawthorne, it now read Renee Black. It was right there in big, bold letters.

  My entire body shook as I bent down to retrieve the book. I turned it over and over in my hands, thinking. If only P.J. were here, she would be able to make sense of it all.

  I was struck again by how much of a mess I had made of my life. All this time I thought I’d been moving in the right direction.

  It turned out I hadn’t been moving at all.

  Chapter 44

  Alex

  I found that I could breathe in Boston. That it was possible for me to exist in a relaxed and happy state. That I didn’t need to be plagued with feelings of regret, sadness and disappointment. In Boston, I was the person I always knew I could be. Maybe it was the close proximity to family who cared about me and supported me. Maybe it was the clarity that I could only achieve having cut Penny out of my life. Whatever it was, I could certainly get used to it.

  I descended the stairs to find Amy alone in the kitchen, pouring herself a cup of coffee. She looked up at me as I approached her. “Oh, good, I got you before Michael could track you down.”

  I furrowed my brow. “What’s up?”

  “He likes to think that he’s helping by ‘throwing you right into things’” she said making air quotes “but I keep trying to tell him that you need some time to settle in first.”

  “What exactly is he trying to throw me into?”

  She wrinkled her nose. “He kind of got you a job interview with this guy he knows.”

  My mouth formed into an ‘o’.

  “Yeah, I told him he needs to give you some time, but he swears it’s nothing formal, that it’s more of a casual meet and greet kind of thing.”

  I had to admit I was intrigued. “What’s the company?”

  “Some design company, I can’t remember the name. But the job didn’t sound half bad, and I’m thinking that if you’re staying with us at no cost, you’ll have no trouble paying off your debt pretty quickly.”

  Her eyes crept up to meet mine.

  “I suppose you’re right.” I made a show of sighing heavily.

  Amy clamped her hand on my shoulder. “Welcome to adulthood, little brother. The hours are long and the rewards are, sadly, minimal.”

  She poured me a cup of coffee. “So, I’ll leave you to get the details from Michael?”

  I nodded. “It’s the smart thing to do. No sense in delaying the inevitable, right?”

  She looked at me over the lip of her cup. “Speaking of delaying the inevitable, have you spoken to Penny since you left Vegas?”

  I bit my bottom lip. “No.”

  Amy did that thing she does where she doesn’t approve but refuses to show it. It was a move she’d gotten from our mother, but she had perfected it.

  I sipped my coffee. “I know. I just … I don’t know what to say yet; I need more time.”

  “I get that. Just don’t be too hard on her. I know you two have been through a lot, but there’s so much good there, too. I know you know that. Forgiveness can be wonderfully freeing.”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I can’t…”

  Amy brushed by me on her way up the stairs, speaking over her shoulder. “You’re more resilient than you think you are.”

  Alone in the kitchen, I allowed my thoughts to drift off.

  It was easy to imagine building a life here in Boston. It is always easier to start fresh with a blank slate than to try and fix something that is so clearly broken. I knew I should interview for the job, since there was no point in wasting time, in holding back. The sooner I settled in, I mean really settled in, the easier things would get. I could begin to pay off my debt, spend time with my family, and slowly begin to rebuild my life from the ground up. It would be better this time. I was sure of it.

  And my falling out with Penny? Well, that too would eventually fade into the past like all my other regrets.

  Penny

  My hands barely registered the feel of the door as I plowed through it, my eyes rapidly scanning the open space. I swallowed down the memories of the hours upon hours of time I’d spent writing here with P.J.

  I spotted Adam behind the cash register and charged towards him. “Adam?” I was nearly out of breath. “Have you seen P.J.?”

  He wrinkled his nose. “Who?”

  “P.J., the woman who’s always here working with me.”

  Adam looked back over his shoulder and then slowly returned his gaze to me. My heart began to beat faster when he leaned across the counter towards me, lowering his voice. “I don’t understand.” He smiled, but I knew he was only masking his concern. “I’ve never seen you with anyone here before. You’ve always been alone.”

  I smiled uncomfortably. “You’re kidding me, right?”

  He looked over my left shoulder and I turned to see a short line had formed behind me. I mumbled an apology, stepped aside and found an empty table.

  What the hell was going on?

  My hands were shaking, heart pounding in my chest as I stared across the room at the table I’d spent the last three months at, writing my heart out. With P.J.

  I sat mute, unsure of how much time had passed. I jumped when the chair opposite of me was pulled back and Adam straddled it. “Penny, are you okay?” He set down a vanilla latte in front of me.

  I swallowed hard, said nothing.

  “Listen, I don’t know what’s going on, but I can say with certainty that I have never seen you in here with anyone.” He leaned in closer. “Are you okay?”

  No, I’m fucking losing my mind.

  “I … I will be,” I managed to choke out. I forced myself to meet his gaze. Forced a smile on my face.

  But inside I was drowning.

  This had to be a mistake, right? Or a trick? Yes, that had to be it! Someone was playing a trick on me. All of this: P.J. taking off with my book, Alex moving out and disappearing, and now this? It was someone’s idea of a bad joke.

  It was Alex’s idea of a bad joke.

  This time, when I looked up at Adam, my smile was real. “It’s okay, really. This has all been a big misunderstanding. Actually, you probably already know that, don’t you?”

  I could picture it so clearly in my mind. Alex following me here one day, waiting until I leave to approach Adam and P.J. Hashing out the plan with them. It was ingenious, really. The only problem was how would it all come to an end?

  Adam’s face was contorted with concern. “Penny…”

  I cut him off. “I’m fine, really.” I took a sip of the vanilla latte he had given me and motioned at the line forming behind the counter. “Thanks for the drink, but you better get back to work.”

  I kept a smile planted firmly on my face until he was out of view, at which point I pushed the drink away and reached into my purse in search of the book I’d jammed in there earlier on my way out the door. I kept my eyes closed when I set it on the table in front of me. I
don’t know what I was willing to happen or what I was hoping for, but when I opened my eyes, I knew: it wasn’t this.

  The book stared back at me.

  Renee Blacks’ book, not P.J.’s.

  My heart hammered in my chest. I needed answers. And as far as I was concerned, there was only one person who could make sense of it all.

  “I don’t think you’ve lost your mind, Penny.”

  I sighed deeply, though I wasn’t entirely convinced. I was troubled by the fact that I was back in Dr. Scott’s office so soon. The frequency of my therapy sessions had increased so gradually I hadn’t noticed at first. “How do you explain this all, then? I’m seeing things … I’m seeing people that don’t exist… what?”

  Dr. Scott leaned forward in his chair, his mouth forming into a tight line. I knew that whatever he was about to say wasn’t going to be easy to hear. “Here’s what I think. Your life has been turned upside down and you’re struggling. You’ve been under a considerable amount of stress, and as such, your subconscious created a way to cope with it all.”

  I frowned. “What does that mean?”

  “It means that you needed a coping mechanism … and your body created one for you.”

  I sat silently as I let his words sink in. “P.J.”

  Dr. Scott nodded slowly, his head cocked to the side. He was watching me closely and I didn’t blame him. If his eyes weren’t on me I may have done what I wanted to do, which was scream out in annoyance. Instead, I kept my eyes fixed on his, willing my heart rate to slow, as my mind ran rampant.

  P.J. wasn’t real. She had never existed. My fucked up mind had created her out of thin air.

  “Why?” I whispered.

  Dr. Scott smiled reassuringly. “You’re not crazy, Penny. I know it must seem that way to you, but everyone deals with life changes differently. In your case, you felt as though you couldn’t get through life on your own. Your mind created P.J. so that you wouldn’t feel alone.”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but he wasn’t done.

  “Think about it, Penny. What did you first tell me when you started seeing me? You told me that you wanted to be your own person and make your own decisions. You said, I quote, you’re ‘looking for someone or something to make you whole again.’ P.J. was that person.”

  “But she didn’t exist.”

  “She existed in the only way you needed her to exist.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “What you would realize, Penny, and what you should be very proud of, is that you did this all on your own.”

  Even as I dialed his number, I knew Alex would never answer. But I had to try; I had to talk to him. I needed my best friend now more than ever. My life, the one I had thought couldn’t get any more complicated, had just entered unchartered territory.

  I cursed as my call went to voicemail. Even after all I’d put him through, Alex always came back around; always found it in his heart to forgive me somehow. But as much as I didn’t want to believe it, I knew this time was different. I knew what I had done was unforgivable, but I held on to the hope that he could somehow move beyond it. If only he would pick up the phone and talk to me.

  I needed to hear his voice. I needed to tell him what was going on with me. I squeezed my eyes shut, running my fingers up and down the bridge of my nose.

  I thought back to my time with P.J., trying to find answers.

  P.J. had been real, but only in the sense that she was inside of me all along, pushing me to be a better person, pushing me to write. I had done it all on my own, every step of the way.

  Of course.

  All this time, all I’d wanted was to feel in control of something. And I had.

  My face broke into a smile. The pain of my father leaving, the regret of giving myself over to Ryan and pushing Alex away like I had … it had already begun to recede. I knew without a shadow of doubt that my scars had begun to heal. I had begun to heal.

  I jumped up from the floor, dashing for my laptop that I had slipped under the bed and left untouched since the day P.J. had disappeared. I waited impatiently for it to boot up. I scrolled through my folders quickly until I found what I had gone looking for.

  My novel. It had been there all along.

  I could have cried then. I felt the tears threatening at the corner of my eyes, but I willed them away. There was only one thing left to do.

  I needed to find Alex.

  The answer came to me so suddenly that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it right from the beginning.

  Chapter 45

  Amy … he had to be with Amy.

  I grabbed my phone, pulling up my list of contacts and searching frantically for her number. My hands were shaking as I found it and connected the call. It rang once. Twice.

  “This is Dr. Perkins.”

  I stumbled over my words. “Amy? Amy, it’s Penny … Penny Williams. I—”

  “Oh, Penny, I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize the number.” She cleared her throat. “How are you?”

  How was I? I’d spent three months writing a novel alongside a woman who never existed. I somehow had in my possession a book that didn’t yet exist. Hell, it was an entire career that didn’t yet exist! Besides all of that…

  “I’m good. I … um, I’m, uh …” I didn’t know what to say. “I was hoping you might know where Alex is, or have heard from him lately?”

  “Alex? No … why? Is everything okay?”

  There was an edge to her voice that led me to believe perhaps Alex had filled her in on our little falling out. I cringed at the thought.

  “Will you let me know if you hear from him? And if you do, would you please tell him that I’m sorry, and to call me?”

  She sighed into the phone. “Penny, what’s going on?”

  There was a part of me that wanted to open up to her, to hear there was a reasonable explanation for everything that had happened. More than anything, I wanted to know I wasn’t going crazy.

  I opened my mouth to speak, closed it, and opened it again. But there simply wasn’t a way to explain it all without coming across like a lunatic.

  “I fucked up, Amy. Your brother has been nothing but amazing to me throughout all of this—” I continued on, assuming she knew what I was talking about. “—and I pushed him away. No, I did more than that. I forced him away.”

  “I can’t imagine you could do anything that isn’t reversible. Maybe he just needs time, Penny.”

  I was shaking my head, even though she couldn’t see. “I don’t think so. Not this time.”

  “I think you’d be surprised.”

  My brows furrowed. “He’s there with you, in Boston, isn’t he?”

  There was silence on the other end of the line.

  “Hello? Amy?”

  “I’m still here.”

  “He’s there, isn’t he?” I repeated.

  “Listen, I’m sorry I lied, but I really think he just needs some space, Penny.”

  I bit my lip. “I know you’re right, but I’m too scared, Amy. I’m worried that if I give him too much space, he’ll never come back to me. And I can’t live with that. I mean, he already ran across the country to get away from me. I can’t imagine things will get any better the more time that goes by.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  I stared at the wall across the room, allowing my eyes to unfocus. “I can only think of one thing left to do.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I’m going to go after him. I’m coming to Boston.”

  The man to my left shuffled in his seat and I pulled my arms tighter around me as the space in my middle seat narrowed immensely. But nothing was going to get me down, not now. Not when I was on my way to Alex. Not when I was this close to getting my life back on track. Despite all the wrong turns I’d taken, all the mistakes I’d made with Alex, I had to believe he would come back to me in the end. And when he did, I could be the person he deserved for me to be.

  Going after Alex was only the first st
ep. There were many — too many — other things I needed to do, things I needed to say. But as long as I had Alex on my side, I knew I could get through it all and come out the other side a better version of myself. The version of me that I was sure Alex had fallen in love with.

  I fell asleep somehow, crushed between two men too large for their coach seats, one of them snoring softly in my direction. When I finally woke, we were making our descent into Boston.

  My heart began hammering in my chest and didn’t stop. Not when I walked off the plane. Not when I stepped into a cab. And certainly not when I walked up the steps to Amy’s house, knowing the only thing that separated me from my future was a wooden door.

  I sucked in a deep breath and lifted a shaky hand to ring the doorbell.

  Alex

  Penny stood before me, but it took me a moment to see it was her. “What? What are you doing here?”

  Her face was sticky with sweat. “What do you think, Alex?”

  My mouth fell into a tight line. “I think you flew out here expecting that I’d open the door and welcome you with open arms, that this is some grand gesture meant to … I don’t know, change my mind? Get me to come back to Vegas? All I know is you’ve wasted your time … and money.”

  “If we could just talk—”

  “I don’t know what else there is to say.”

  She took a step towards me. “Well, then I can talk and you can listen.”

  I fought the urge to tell her to leave, our days apart only seeming to have exasperated my annoyance and disbelief. Instead, I stepped back and motioned for her to come inside.

  We were alone, for now. But in twenty minutes the front door would open and the girls would come screaming through it. That would be it, I told myself. I’d give her until they came home to say what she had to say, and then I would ask her to leave.

  The only problem was the moment she sat down on the couch and turned to me, her hazel eyes both soft and hard, I felt my resolve snap in two.