A Very Single Midwife

by Fiona McArthur

  He went on. ‘I’d lost my mother years before and I understood how devastating it was for you. I went home that night and I couldn’t sleep. I told myself that I’d just help you.’ His mouth curved cynically.

  ‘I was so much older than you.’ He looked at her. ‘I’m still so much older than you,’ he said dryly, and they both laughed at the ridiculousness of the statement.

  It lightened the mood for a moment and they smiled at each other before he squeezed her hand and continued. ‘I’d made mistakes, big mistakes, and you were so young and pure and so deserving of the best that life could offer you. I’ve never thought of myself as the best.’ He stared straight ahead.

  ‘I was brought up by a rich uncle and aunt who did what was necessary and sent me to the best schools, and I’m grateful for that. But I’d never felt as if I belonged anywhere until I moved here and the town welcomed me with open arms.

  ‘Everyone trusted me and here I was contemplating the seduction of a vulnerable teenager.’ He put her hand back in her lap and sat up as if the next part was harder to talk about.

  ‘I was weak in the beginning because you needed so much comfort and I told myself I could step back when you were less destroyed by your loss. But the more I saw you the more you offered me, and if I hadn’t stepped back I would have lost my head and we would have been lovers. I would have demanded you marry me, and I have first-hand experience of how such age-disparate marriages can fail. I couldn’t risk the pain I’d experienced falling to you if our marriage failed. I cared for you too much to see you wish you’d never married me.’ The starkness in his voice told her that he meant every word he said, and Bella spared a dark thought for the woman who had made him doubt himself so badly.

  ‘Why didn’t you talk to me about it?’ Bella’s voice thickened with tears and memories.

  ‘I knew if I explained that to you then, you’d have said we should be together. You deserved more.’

  She shook her head in denial. ‘What did you tell Abbey and why?’

  ‘I told her we were too close and that I was too old for you. Telling Abbey was the only way to make the break permanent.’ He snorted with self-derision. ‘I knew she would agree. That time you came back to my house we were playing with fire and that’s why I had to send you away.’

  Scott shifted on the seat. ‘Abbey was the only one I knew who was strong enough to help.’

  A single tear slid down Bella’s cheek unheeded by her. ‘What if I’d said you were all I ever wanted?’

  He stroked the drop from her cheek until it disappeared. ‘I wouldn’t have believed you. Still wouldn’t believe you.’

  She nodded and stared out to sea again. Then it was hopeless all over again. All she said was, ‘That explains a lot.’ And left it at that.

  ‘You said there were a few things you wanted clarified today?’

  She couldn’t take any more of his reasons for not loving her. ‘Maybe later.’ She dropped her cup in the picnic basket and stood up, suddenly needing to leave this place and the things that had been said. In fact, a slow anger was building and she needed to distract herself. ‘Where else are we going today, driver?’

  Scott shook his head. She amazed him and frustrated him and he couldn’t read the mixed signals he was getting. This day was becoming more painful than he had bargained for as he could sense the beginnings of a horrible feeling that maybe he had done the wrong thing all those years ago to turn Bella away. That concept had implications for the negative experiences Bella had been through, which he didn’t want to think about, and he concentrated on manual tasks to divert his thoughts.

  After he’d repacked the car, they drove down towards the town of South West Rocks along the back road at Arakoon, then past the new country club and into town.

  ‘Do you want to eat at a restaurant or take-away on the headland?’ Scott left it up to Bella because suddenly he didn’t know what he had planned. This day was spinning out of control faster than he could have imagined.

  Bella glanced up the side road that ran up to the lookout. ‘I used to have fish and chips on the headland with my family when Mum and Dad were alive. Let’s do that.’

  Scott nodded and parked in the parking area above the beach.

  Horseshoe Bay was small and had a bluff of rock pools at one end and tumbled boulders at the other. Between was a curve of white sand in the shape of a horseshoe. Tall pine trees overlooked the grassed areas that ran almost down to the beach, popular with young families and older couples.

  Today it boasted a dozen families and the lifeguard in charge was busy keeping the swimmers within the flags.

  Bella pointed to a spot in the middle of the bay. ‘I was caught in a rip there once. But it was a weekday and there wasn’t a lifeguard.’

  Scott looked out where she indicated and there was nothing to make it look dangerous.

  ‘I can remember it as plainly as if it were yesterday. I was only about nine. Dad was swimming with Abbey. Kirsten was stung by a bluebottle in the shallows at the same time as I must have paddled across the rip.’ She pointed to a darker line in the water. ‘There’s a rip.’ She looked back at him. ‘Mum was trying to calm Kirsten and Dad went to help her. The rip pulled me out into the deeper water before I knew it and suddenly I couldn’t make any headway towards the beach and everybody on the beach seemed further away. I was terrified and tired from trying to swim against the undercurrent.’

  She shivered at the memory. ‘All of a sudden Abbey appeared beside me and told me to stop fighting the pull and we’d slip out the side of the rip in a little while.’

  She looked towards the tumbled boulders. ‘We climbed out of the water over there and I was crying and Abbey was telling me how clever I was to hang on for so long. But I knew if it hadn’t been for her I would have drowned.’

  She shook her head at the memories and smiled. ‘Dad made us join junior lifesavers that summer to learn about safety in the sea, but I never enjoyed it much.’ She laughed. ‘Abbey used to win the races all the time. It’s funny, the things that affect your life.’

  Scott steered her towards a park bench and they sat down overlooking the bay. ‘I wish I could have been there for you.’

  ‘Abbey was there.’ Bella shrugged. ‘She’s always been there. I guess that was why it was so devastating when I was attacked last year. I was already hurting from discovering that the man I loved had lied to me for three years. I was on the way to Abbey and her safe haven and then something even worse happened. I thought nothing more horrible could happen than that, and I blamed Abbey for not saving me. Until Abbey was nearly shot by that madman. Ironically, in the process of saving Abbey and Rohan, I saved myself.

  ‘From not being able to look myself in the mirror, suddenly I could hold my head high. I realised that I do have power and that was when I decided that I would choose how to let things affect me.’

  He stared at her. ‘You’ve come a long way. You deserve to be proud of the woman you are now.’

  ‘I am proud. And I’m careful. So I won’t be rushing into anything.’ Her words hung in the air between them.

  She brushed away an ant that had climbed along the seat. ‘Enough about me.’ She turned to face him and the sun was shining in her hair and the fierceness in her eyes had been replaced by compassion.

  ‘Tell me about your marriage, Scott.’

  He didn’t want to but maybe it was time for him to leave the past behind as well. He rubbed his chin. ‘My marriage was a poor choice in a long line of poor choices. I was looking for a family, and a sense of belonging that I never had with my aunt and uncle. Maybe even a mother like the one I lost.’

  He laughed bitterly and Bella put her hand on his arm. ‘I don’t know why Madeline married me but, whatever the reason, the reason went away and she couldn’t get out of the marriage fast enough.’

  Bella tilted her head. ‘Maybe the pregnancy scared her?’

  Scott grimaced. ‘It seems likely in hindsight. We really had nothing in c
ommon but I would have stood by her. She didn’t have a termination so it wasn’t that she didn’t want our son either.’

  ‘Maybe she was protecting you?’

  Scott couldn’t see the logic in that. ‘From what?’

  Bella frowned at his lack of insight. ‘From throwing away your life on her and a new baby. Did you ever say anything about not wanting children?’

  He stared into the distant past. ‘Who knows? I could have. I was young and selfish and determined to finish uni. We were fighting. Maybe I said something about being glad we didn’t have children to hear the shouting. I don’t remember, but it’s not outside the realms of possibility. Perhaps she decided she wanted the child and not the father. I’ll never know. I know that she ended up hating me so much she kept the birth of my son from me. I just wish she’d given me the chance to find out if I could be a decent father.’

  Bella heard the bitterness in his voice. ‘So Michael would be around the same age you were when you married his mother.’

  He looked at her. ‘I guess you’re right.’ He turned to watch a toddler splashing at the water’s edge. ‘I see a child like that little fellow and think how I missed out on seeing Michael that age.’ He shifted his gaze to a young boy throwing a ball. ‘And that age.’ And then to a young man and his girlfriend at the next bench. ‘To now.’

  Bella nodded. ‘So how do you imagine him now?’

  Scott stared at the people swimming between the flags. ‘I admit that in the last fortnight, if I see a young man walk down the street I think that I could walk right by him and not recognise him as my son. It’s not a nice feeling.’

  ‘Do you think he’d recognise you?’

  He smiled. ‘Do you mean an older face in the mirror?’ He thought about it. ‘It’s a nice idea.’ He laughed. ‘And pretty scary for him.’

  ‘You really are age-obsessed, aren’t you?’ She said the words lightly but he took them to heart.

  ‘I don’t even want to go there.’ This was too close to naming the reason for all the mistakes he’d made. He wasn’t sure of the final tally and what that admission could cost. He stood up. ‘Let’s find fish and chips.’ Scott brushed off the negatives. The pain of catharsis, he thought cynically.

  Then she cast her spell over him again and he couldn’t help thinking of all the years they’d missed out on.

  They sat on a blanket on the grassy headland overlooking the main beach and ate out of the white paper wrapping. The long crescent of sand stretched away in the distance to Trial Bay where the ruins of the old penal settlement were stark above the convict-built break wall. They munched hot golden chips and crunchy pieces of freshly fried fish covered in salt and lemon juice, and when he was finished Scott watched Bella lick the salt from her fingers. The savage twist in his stomach ensured that he turned away.

  He looked back when she’d finished. ‘You are torturing me, you know that?’ he said.

  Bella cocked an eyebrow at him and there was nothing childlike in the glance she sent him. ‘Good. You deserve it. When I think of the devastation I suffered at your hands, I’m glad.’

  He laughed out loud at her sudden defiance and reached across to steal the longest of her chips.

  ‘Hey, I was saving that one.’ She glared at him and tried to snatch it back but his arms were longer than hers and she brushed against him delightfully.

  ‘Good,’ he said, and dangled it closer so she’d reach again for the chip. When she was off balance he slipped his arm around her and pulled her onto his lap so that she was looking into his face. He dropped a kiss on her salty lips, and her eyes widened in surprise. He flicked the clasp out of her hair and then rolled her back onto her side of the rug so that he was leaning over her with her hair spread out behind her.

  She looked so beautiful and vibrant, but despite his position of power he had the feeling she was nowhere near intimidated by him. ‘What are you going to do about that?’ he dared her.

  ‘I could be very nasty from this position,’ she warned with a glint in her eye, and Scott laughed and rolled off her.

  ‘Ah, the self-defence classes.’ He sat up again and offered his hand. ‘Women’s lib is such a pain.’

  She let him help her up and finger-combed her hair back into its clasp.

  ‘But useful.’ She stared at him thoughtfully. ‘Where do you think this new rapport we seem to have found is going?’

  He shrugged and wouldn’t meet her eyes and Bella’s self-protective instincts kicked in when he said, ‘I’m not sure. Does it have to go somewhere or can we just start again as friends?’

  ‘What sort of friends, Scott?’ There was a snap in her voice. ‘It’s a great idea but what about the fact that I seem to end up in your arms when I least expect it? That’s not friendly, that’s chemistry.’

  He met her eyes and the warmth in his look felt like a breeze from the equator across her skin. She had no control over the way he could sear her with a glance. ‘See!’ she said.

  He smiled and captured her hand between his. ‘We’ve always had that and I don’t know why. But at least I’m looking for an answer.’

  Bella bit her lip. ‘Well, I’m not looking for heartache again, Scott.’

  Scott looked at her. ‘I hear you when you say you don’t want to fall into heartache. But if you fall I will catch you. I won’t ever drop you again.’

  She frowned. ‘Am I the only one who thinks this change in our relationship is too sudden? I’m not sure I can trust you.’ Bella shook her head and screwed up the paper roll her chips had come in.

  He spread his hands. ‘So how do you think we should do this?’

  She met his eyes and the wariness was still there on her side. ‘We’ll see how we go.’ She took one more look at the horizon and stood up. ‘Thank you for the day. I’d like to go home now, please.’

  Sunday

  Sunday was for thinking and weighing up and having space to consider what it would mean to trust Scott not to hurt her again. And to realise even those few times in the last week they’d spent together had been enough to fan the attraction she’d always felt towards him. She needed to accept that he was her weakness.

  It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t sensible but she needed to admit that she would always love Scott Rainford—and that she was falling ‘in love’ again.

  Unfortunately she still had the same problem she’d had twelve years ago—he wasn’t ready to commit to anything or tell the world he was in love with a younger woman, and she’d grown up enough to realise she deserved more. It didn’t look promising.

  She could stay firm and avoid Scott out of work hours but realistically when he turned the heat on she was like ice cream in the sun. A sticky puddle of indecision.

  When the phone rang that afternoon, Bella took it in the hallway, fully expecting it to be for one of the girls.

  ‘Hello?’ She absently picked up a pen to take a message.

  ‘Bella?’ Scott’s voice jerked her out of her daydream and into confusion.

  She was hopeless. The least she could do was not let him know that. ‘Yes, who is this?’

  ‘It’s Scott!’

  She could hear the frown in his voice when he answered and she suppressed her smile.

  ‘Yes, Scott. What can I do with you?’ She stopped and replayed what she’d said in her head and winced. ‘I mean, for you.’

  ‘We’d better not go with the first one,’ he teased, his good humour restored, and she felt like stamping her foot. She was nearly thirty years old. She should be calm and collected on the end of the phone.

  He went on, ‘I wondered if you’d like to come around. I’ve a chilled Verdello, we could eat Chinese take-away and share the sunset before we dive into another hectic week on the ward.’

  ‘I don’t drink and drive.’ It was true and convenient.

  He wasn’t fazed. ‘Then I’ll pick you up and send you home in a taxi.’

  She was going to say no but he must have sensed that. ‘It’s a pretty radical thi
ng to do, to catch a taxi home on a Sunday night.’

  Bella weakened. All the memories of that wonderful afternoon by the river came back and teased her. But she needed more time to think things through before she did her moth impersonation and circled his light bulb again.

  ‘I don’t think so, Scott.’ But she couldn’t help the indecision in her voice.

  ‘One drink and dinner then I’ll send you home.’

  She could go or she could stay home and wish she had gone. Hard decision. ‘I hope the taxi charges you double for weekend rates.’

  ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘I’ll be there in half an hour to pick you up.’ The phone went dead.

  Bella stared at the handset as if it were responsible for the panic she was in now. Today was supposed to be for reflection.

  By the time she’d changed, told Vivie she wouldn’t be home for tea, changed again because she didn’t want to look like she’d changed, and spent ten minutes talking to herself in the mirror and promising not to get into any close clinches with Scott, he was there. She couldn’t believe she was dumb enough to do this when he’d blatantly told her he just wanted to be friends.

  ‘Have you ordered dinner yet?’ She clicked the car seat belt into the locking mechanism and turned to face him.

  He looked at her sideways. ‘It’s home delivery. They’ll bring it when I ring. Are you in a hurry?’

  ‘I don’t want it to be a late night.’ Bella stared straight ahead.

  He glanced at his watch. ‘It’s five-thirty. I could probably have you in bed by seven.’

  Bella jerked her head to look at him in shock and he took his hands off the steering-wheel briefly to ask the question, ‘What?’ Then he realised what he’d said and bit his lip, but his eyes were laughing.

  ‘I meant to bed in your house—not mine.’

  Bella felt like an idiot but she took a deep breath and tried to calm down. She’d worked herself into such a state and she’d been so focussed yesterday. That’s what was really getting to her. She’d lost the plot and yesterday she’d had it all under control.