by Frankie Love
I’m shaking, but two weeks is better than nothing. In two weeks’ time, maybe I can figure out a future for myself. A future that doesn’t involve the police.
I blink, squeezing my eye shut, thinking of Hawk... wanting a future with him, but knowing Hawk doesn’t even have a house. He can’t take me and my children under his wing. There is an expiration date to this dream. To this fantasy. Do I want to say in this fantasy forever? Of course, I do. But the reality is I have three mouths to feed. And I can’t stay at Harper and Jaxon’s forever.
“Fine,” I tell him. “Two weeks. Two weeks and then—”
“And then I’m going to bring you home.”
I drop the phone on the deck, it skitters across the patio before coming to a stop. My heart stops too.
I have two weeks before I have to say goodbye to a life that was never mine in the first place.
15
The moment I get home from work, I see that Honor’s a mess.
My heart goes out to her. Tonight is all about having a little fun, friends coming over and having a barbecue.
But Honor is all bent out of shape.
It’s unusual for her. I’ve watched her the last week, and it seems no matter what, Honor can take whatever life throws at her in stride, but not right now. Right now, she’s in pain.
Rosie and Buck and their kids are streaming into the house, along with Stella and Wilder’s family, and I do my best to motion to her discreetly to join me in our shared bathroom so I can hear how her day has been, but we keep getting cut off.
Rosie wraps Honor in a hug, asking about her potato salad recipe, and Wilder and Buck drag me out to the back deck, handing me a beer.
“This job is a killer in July, isn’t it?” Buck asks.
“Sure is,” I tell him. “But it’s good to be outside. Never thought I’d say it, but I don’t even miss being under the hood of a car.”
“I hear ya,” Buck says. “I ran a grocery store for a few years, down in town, but was never satisfied. Then I decided to start doing my wood carving, and I made a good living off it, thought I’d finally found my thing—but then Jaxon handed me a hammer. I built a home and I never looked back. There’s something about creating a place for a family to live that is more meaningful than any other work I’ve done.”
Dean laughs. “Damn, we should get that TV crew back out here, record you waxing poetic.”
“Fuck off,” Buck says, a grin on his face. “We don’t need a TV crew back here, ever.”
“Agreed. Hell, we’ve all found our women, we don’t need anything else.”
The guys look at me, shrugging. “Well, I guess you still need to find yourself a nice girl,” Buck says.
Jaxon frowns. “Eh, Hawk is still young. What are you, barely 24?”
I nod.
“Yeah, you need to spend more time sowing your wild oats.”
I want to tell them I don’t have anything to sow— that I already found my woman— but I know Honor would hate that. She isn’t ready to be open about our relationship— and honestly, I’m not either. I love our little cocoon every night and don’t exactly want to fuck up that precious ecosystem we’ve just begun to build.
Dean claps me on the back. “In five years then, you can settle down.”
I cock a brow at him. “You think you know what I need?”
Jaxon laughs. “I know what you need. I bet two weeks without a woman in your bed is longer than you’ve ever gone.”
The guys all laugh at this, and I just shake my head.
“Regardless,” I say. “I really do love the work. And I’d never have considered it if I hadn’t gotten myself in such a mess.”
“Is it all sorted now?” Buck asks.
I nod. “Yeah, I met with the judge before I came out here and the other guy dropped the charges, thank God. I didn’t want to lose my savings over an asshole in a bar.”
“You bang the guy up pretty good?” Buck asks.
I shrug. “He got some stitches; he’s fine. And hell, he started it.”
“Good to hear, man,” Wilder says. “We’re always looking for full-time men to join the crew.”
Jax laughs. “He’s been here a week. Let’s see how he’s feeling in a month, okay?”
I raise my empty bottle and head to the cooler to grab another. As I do, I see Rosie and Stella deep in conversation with Honor over by the swing set. The women each have a baby in their arms, but you can tell they are talking heatedly.
Harper is walking toward the guys with a fussing baby in her arms, I stop her and ask what the girls are talking about.
“You want the gossip?” Harper laughs, handing me Honor’s son Timothy. “Then hold him and let me get a glass of wine.”
I pat Tim’s back, bouncing him gently. He laughs at me, clapping his hands together.
“Look at you,” Harper says, returning with a glass of white wine. “You’re a natural.”
I swallow hard, choking on her words. They are words that I fucking love to hear. I want to be a natural at this. The kind of man Honor needs to help raise her children.
“So, what’s the story?” I ask, nodding toward the women.
“Well, Honor called her ex today. She told him she’d go back in two weeks.”
I pull back, the words shocking me. “No way,” I say. “I don’t believe it.”
Honor shakes her head. “Right? It’s the truth, though, she talked to Luke and he told her she needed to come back, then she came to me and told me everything. I really thought I’d convinced her to stay, to let the police get involved, but then her sister-wives called.”
“Hell,” I say, knowing this isn’t going to end well.
“Yeah, well, they told her that Luke has been horrible to them since she left, how they need her back so Luke will calm down.”
I run my hand over my beard, imagining Honor going through this today. It eats me up inside.
“So now what?” I ask.
“Now she feels awful. She says staying here is selfish.”
“But what about her boys?” I ask, my voice louder than I intended. “She can’t go back and do that to them.”
Harper raises an eyebrow. “I know, Benjamin. But it’s not our life. The kids aren’t being beaten, she swears Luke has never laid a hand on her.”
“Emotional abuse is abuse, too.”
Harper’s eyes narrow. “I know. I used to be engaged to the man. I know what being with him is like. But if she goes to the police so many families will be ripped apart.”
“You’re being weak. You should go to the cops now.”
“And say what?” Harper scoffs. “Tell them a man is cheating on his wife? True is the only one he’s legally married to.”
“Did your father take other wives? Or any other church members?”
Harper sighs. “I think so. But honestly, I haven’t talked to my parents in years. I was excommunicated.”
“See, then how you can just stand by—”
“I’m not standing by anything. It’s just a lot more complicated than telling the cops. You wouldn’t understand. You are too young and haven’t been through—”
“We’re the same age, Harper. And just because my family never joined a cult, it doesn’t mean I don’t understand life being complicated. I just don’t want Honor to go back there.”
Harper sighs, blinking back tears. “I know. I just want Honor to stay here and away from men altogether.”
“You mean away from Luke?”
Harper shrugs sadly. “Away from anyone and anything that’s going to distract her from getting her life back together. She’ll need a way to provide for herself eventually. She needs to call social services. They’ll help her with housing and job training.”
I hate that idea. Honor moving away, to the city where public housing is. I want her here on this mountain.
I want her here with me.
I sure as hell don’t want her back with Luke.
16
For the next
week, I avoid the reality of the ticking time clock of my life.
Hawk tries to comfort me, reason with me... but it’s hard to talk about my situation without getting emotional.
“I just can’t imagine how you would choose that, knowing what you do.” Hawk shakes his head at me as he paces around his bedroom. It’s late at night and Timothy is in his arms. Hawk pats his back, soothing him. He woke up crying and found comfort in the arms of the very same man I find comforting.
I watch Hawk pace the bedroom without a shirt on, the lamplight casting a warm glow across the room, and see my little baby boy suck on his thumb and nestle deeper against Hawk’s chest.
“It’s not as simple as what I want. It’s not just me. How many times do I have to say that?” I’m explaining the same thing over and over to him. “You could never understand because you’ve never met my sister-wives. They may be judgmental women, but it is because they are so confused. They are so much like me, in their twenties, their arms full of babies, brainwashed into believing things about themselves that just aren’t true.”
“Don’t you want more for them?” Hawk asks.
I close my eyes. “I hate that you think I’m being weak right now because the truth is, Hawk, this is me being strong.”
“Sacrificing yourself isn’t always strength.”
“It is,” I tell him, my voice in a loud whisper.
“Maybe for some people, but not for you, Honor. That’s not what this is about.”
“What is it about then?” I ask.
“It’s about you being scared to take what you really want, what you are so close to having. Are you gonna throw it all away for Luke? It’s bullshit, Honor.”
“You’re gonna wake up Timothy,” I say, taking my baby from his arms, and carry him through the bathroom back to his crib. I set him down in his Pack ‘n Play and he curls up into a ball and goes back to sleep. I sigh deeply, so frustrated that Hawk and I aren’t seeing eye to eye.
But unless Hawk wants to take care of me and the boys... I can’t see a future with him. Not now, not like this. We can’t stay at Jaxon and Harper’s place forever.
“Honor,” he says, walking back into my bedroom. “Baby, it’s gonna be okay.” He pulls me into a hug, and we stand in my bedroom, the queen-size bed flanked by cribs on either side. This room is so full.
Full of pain for the past. And full of fear for our future. I close my eyes, breathing him in. Not wanting to let go.
He wraps his arms more tightly around me, tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “I love you, Honor,” he tells me.
The room is so quiet; all I hear is the breathing of my boys. The beating heart of my man. And I don’t want to go back to Luke. Imagining True and Kind’s life is painful, picturing them being at the mercy of a man who is full of anger... but then I imagine my life.
And I know who I want.
What I want.
For me, and for my boys.
“Did you hear me?” he says again.
“I love you, too.” I muffle a sob into his chest, he smells like strength and steadies me like an anchor.
“I loved you the moment I saw you,” he tells me, kissing my forehead, refusing to let me go.
“You’re not just saying that, so I won’t go back to Luke?”
He rests his chin atop my head. “I’m not just saying that for anything. It’s the goddamn truth, Honor. I love you. And I don’t know how to take care of you yet, but that’s what I want to do. And I want to figure out how to be the man you need.”
Tears stream down my face. I’m scared my crying is going to wake up the babies, so I take his hand and guide him back to his bedroom.
In his room, I turn off the lamp and I let my bathrobe fall to the ground, let him pull me to him. And in seconds both of us are in the bed, tangled around one another, our confession propelling us toward the physical manifestation of our love.
His mouth is on my breasts, on my belly, on my entrance, between my thighs. His tongue licks me, my wetness seeping against his beard, and him lapping it all up. His tongue flicks over my clit and I wrap my legs around his head, bringing my core closer to him as he devours me. His tongue flicks against me, causing a cascade of pleasure to roll through my body. My back arches, my body held by his hands. He pushes down my knees, licking me more completely, sucking on me until there is nothing left for my body to do but cry out in ecstasy.
His hand covers my mouth as he tries to hide my screams, but the orgasm is rushing over me so hard, so fast. His eyes are on mine and he says again, “I love you, Honor.”
I squeeze my eyes shut tight, feeling the tears streaming down my face.
I nod and he moves his hand away.
“I love you, too,” I tell him between the tears and pleasure and the relief and the truth. I love him in ways that feel too good to be true. More than I deserve or ever expected. I love him and he loves me and I come hard, against him. I come hard, with him.
I reach for his cock, stroking the long shaft, feeling how velvety smooth he is, my body wanting his so badly. Now and forever and for always.
His balls are tight in my hand and everything about his cock makes my body excited. When he fills me up I feel so good. I need to feel that way right now. He pulls me over onto all fours, runs his hand over my ass, between my legs, feeling my wetness. He cups my pussy like it is his, his fingers pressing inside of me, and I moan as he touches me so perfectly. I feel his cock edging against my ass.
“Is your pussy ready for me?” he asks.
I grin, feeling so good. “My pussy was made ready for you. It loves you. Just like I do,” I tell him as he presses himself inside of me, my arms resting on the pillow, and I try to muffle my voice as I moan, loudly.
“Yes, Hawk,” I whimper. “Yes, baby, fill me like the bad boy you are.” My body shakes as he thrusts deep inside of me.
His hands are on my waist as he plows into my pussy, just like he likes it, just the way I need it.
“I love you so fucking much,” he tells me.
I pull up on my knees, my hands over my head reaching for his face, pulling him toward my neck and he kisses my ears and my shoulders, his hands cradling my breasts, pulling himself hard against me.
Together we come, him filling me with his creamy release over and over again. Our bodies are slick with sweat, drenched in pleasure. The memory of pain floating away from us like a distant memory. It’s as if the only thing we’ve ever experienced is absolute perfection.
“I fucking love you,” Hawk says as he comes in me with a crash. My pussy drips with pleasure, my body on fire.
“I love you too, baby. Yes, yes, yes,” I cry, this time my pleasure isn’t muffled by anything. This time my pleasure is revealed. And with Hawk deep inside me, both of us naked, in love, and dripping wet, his bedroom door flings opens.
“What the fuck?” Jaxon hollers, walking in on us.
I fall to the bed, Hawk’s thickness pulling from me.
He told me he loves me and now there’s going to be hell to pay.
17
I knew our nightly rendezvous was eventually gonna bite us in the ass. I didn’t think it was going to happen when I was literally holding onto her ass, fucking her from behind.
But now she’s wrapped up in a sheet on my bed, and I’m pulling on my boxers as Harper and Jaxon enter the bedroom side by side.
“Benjamin, are you kidding me with this?” Harper asks. She grabs Jaxon’s arm, trying to make sense of what she sees.
“Give us a second,” I say, not wanting them to see the woman I love in such disarray.
“You want a second?” Jaxon asks. “I let you stay in my home, I trusted you. You’re working on my crew by day and at night you’re fucking Honor? You know how much she’s been through, the last thing she needs is—”
Honor raises her voice and cuts him off. “You don’t know what I need, Jaxon. I need Hawk.” Honor clutches the bed sheets around her as Harper flicks on the light, and its glare falls
across all four of us.
The same way I’m glaring at Jaxon now.
“This is ridiculous, Honor, go to bed. And you, Hawk, I want to see you outside,” Jaxon yells.
I don’t give a fuck what he wants right now. “You can’t talk to her that way,” I growl at him. “That’s the last fucking thing Honor needs.”
Jaxon laughs sharply. “Oh, as if you know what she needs?” He says it so dismissively as if I couldn’t have a motherfucking clue.
That’s the problem with Jaxon, though; he thinks he knows what he just walked in on, but he has no clue. I promised to take care of Honor and her babies, and I’m not taking that lightly.
“I don’t want to fight,” Honor says. “The kids are asleep. I just wanted...” Honor wraps the sheet around her and runs from the room toward her bathroom locking the door. I look at Harper and Jaxon, shaking my head. “Is that what you wanted to have happen? Honor felt safe with me—”
Harper cuts me off. “It’s because you’ve tricked her. She’s vulnerable right now, Ben. You don’t actually want to take care of her. You just want to have a good time.” Her eyes are fierce. I understand why she’s being protective of Honor, but her desire to protect is getting in the way of reason.
“I can’t have you here. I can’t have you in this house if you’re using her this way,” Jax says. “Goddammit, Hawk. What the fuck are you thinking?” He runs his hands through his hair, looking furious.
But I’m furious too.
“Fuck you, Jaxon. I’m doing nothing wrong here. I love that girl.”
Jaxon sneers. “You have no fucking clue what love means. Honor needs time and space to heal. She doesn’t need a man like you—”
“A man like me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I ask, pulling on my pants and grabbing my T-shirt.