by Frankie Love
“It means you don’t exactly have a track record for taking care of people.”
“Fuck that. All I ever do is take care of people. Why do you think I got in trouble time and time again? It’s because I’m trying to take care of—”
Harper cuts me off again. “Taking care of people and using people are two different things. And besides, you can’t exactly take care of Honor and her three children. You don’t have a house for them. All you have is a truck. Do you have any idea what health insurance costs? A mortgage? Do you have any clue how much money it costs to feed three children? Diaper them?” Harper shakes her head. “Believe me, I know how hard it is.”
“You want me to leave?” I ask them. Knowing that it’s going to eat Honor up inside. It’s going to fucking kill her. This is not what she needs right now. She needs comfort and security and the people who love her by her side.
“You need to go.” Jaxon shakes his head, walking out of the room. Harper follows and I walk over to the bathroom door, knocking on it as softly as I can, turning the knob. But it’s locked.
“Honor? Honor, baby, open up.”
I hear her sob. But she doesn’t open the door.
“I don’t want to cause any problems,” she says. “Please, Hawk. I can’t ruin things for any more people.”
“That’s insane, Honor. I love you. Open the door.”
“Just go,” she says through muffled sobs. “Please.”
I punch the wall, pushing my fist through the plaster, so fucking pissed. Honor won’t open the door and Jaxon and Harper want me gone.
This is fucking insanity. My life finally seemed to finally be making sense, and then in one fell swoop, Jaxon and Harper think they can take it all away.
I cram my clothes in my duffel, lace up my boots, not even stopping to say anything to Jaxon and Harper on my way out.
Jaxon tries to stop me. “Listen—”
“Hell no,” I tell him. With my knuckles bleeding and my heart racing, I don’t trust myself to hold back from swinging more punches. “I’m not gonna listen to you. You have no idea what you’re doing here.”
I throw my bag in the bed of my truck and jump into the driver’s seat.
Driving down the mountain, I’m full of rage.
I need to get my woman back.
And one way or another, I damn well will.
I decide to stay at the hotel in town. It's a piece of shit hotel. Well, it’s actually a motel. I decide to stay in town because I can't drive away from the mountain. From Honor. I sure as hell can’t show back up at Jaxon’s place because I’m pretty damn sure he’s gonna pull out a shotgun if I do.
But I can’t leave.
I need Honor back.
I feel like shit leaving her that the way I did.
It’s only been a day, though, and I can’t very well show up at Jaxon’s house and tell Honor to pack up the babies and follow me.
This motel is no place for a baby. For all four of those angels. Timothy, Thomas, Titus, and Honor deserve a fucking palace. Not this shitty place.
I head over to the diner, starving, and trying not to get emotional over my memory of the last time I was here. How Honor and I drank our coffee and ate our cherry pie; how the whipped cream on her fork had tempted me.
It was where we started our torrid love affair.
The waitress points to a booth and walks over with a coffee pot and a menu.
She’s the same waitress as before. Bright red lips, tiny waist, wide hips, the kind of girl who looks like she could be a 1950s-pinup girl. Her tits are pushed high, her hair wavy, and she smiles widely at me. And after the screaming last night I heard from Jaxon, I don’t mind the friendly face right now.
And while she may be beautiful, she’s not the kind of beauty that gets me hot. The beauty I love is the sort that Honor wears... understated and ingrained. Honor’s beauty is timeless and forever. She is a summer breeze, and she floated into my life when I least expected it. She gave me purpose and gave me meaning. She is more than beauty, she is the proof of the power of love.
“Regular or decaf?” the waitress asks.
“Regular.”
“I’m Josie, and you are? I saw you here about a month ago.”
“Yeah, I’m Hawk. I’ve been staying on the mountain. Working for my cousin Jaxon’s crew.”
Josie nods, a hand on her hip, pouring the coffee. “Oh, yeah I know about the boys. Rosie, she’s the one who owns this place—Buck’s wife? Anyway, they were so good to me when I came into town a few months back. Gave me a job here and treat me like family.” She smiles again. “So, what can I getcha?”
“I’d like scrambled eggs and bacon. Toast, too.”
“Sounds good, sweetie,” Josie says, winking. She turns away, just as the front door opens and Buck walks in.
“Morning, Boss,” she says. “Just you today?”
“Just me, here to grab a cup coffee before I head to the job site.” Buck looks over and sees me and nods in my direction. He calls out to Josie, “Actually, I’ll have my regular breakfast. I’m gonna sit here with Hawk for a bit.”
Josie nods before heading back to the kitchen.
Buck slides into the booth across from me.
My stomach is in knots. I can guess with one look at him, but he’s already talked to Jaxon. Just what I fucking need to start my day.
“You’re not gonna be at the job site today, then,” Buck says slowly.
“Don’t suppose I am.”
Buck coughs, as if uncomfortable. “You know, Jaxon can be a little bit of an asshole. When I talked to him this morning, though, it’s more than him just being stubborn. He’s pretty fucking pissed.”
“I don’t doubt it,” I say staring at my black coffee.
“So, what’s the plan here?” Buck asks as Josie walks over, pouring his coffee.
After she walks away, I look up at him. “The plan? I have no fucking clue. I have a million things to do before I can get her back.”
Buck raises a brow in surprise. “You want her back?”
“What the hell kind of question is that? Of course, I want her back.”
Josie delivers our food, but suddenly I don’t have an appetite.
“We’re talking about Honor here? That’s the girl you want back?” Buck asks, pouring hot sauce on his scrambled eggs.
“Who else would we be talking about? I love her. I love her babies. I met her in this diner, sitting across from her and I knew. The moment I saw her, I knew that she was going to be my woman. I can’t lose her because Jaxon and Harper think our love is wrong. I’ll do anything to have them back. Jaxon didn’t want to hear any of that. He just assumes—” I shake my head. I don’t have the energy to fight with someone else.
“Damn, I had no idea you felt that way.”
“Yeah, well it’s our business. Nobody else’s.”
“I hear where you’re coming from. Hell, I know that better than anybody else. I fell in love with Rosie right here in this diner, too. I know a thing or two about love at first sight. So, if you really love this girl, if you really want this girl, Hawk, you better make a few hard choices. It’s time for you to step up and be a man.”
“Right, I understand that. I just feel like there are a hundred things I need to do before I can claim her as mine.”
“Starting with getting a house, I suppose?” he asks.
“Yeah, and a fucking job. Sounds like Jax took me off the crew. And the mechanic shop I used to work at, hardly gave me enough hours to take care of myself, let alone a family.”
I shake my head, not really wanting to uproot Honor to some unknown city—Honor needs a support system, and if I go open a mechanic shop it’s gonna take months to get it off the ground. We need a steady paycheck right now.
I look over at Buck, shaking my head. “You know, I thought the world was finally on my side. That all the cards were falling into place, but it was a fucking fantasy. Now I know exactly what I want, but have nothing to offer the w
oman I love.”
“Man, I know you’re bent out of shape, probably didn’t sleep all night, but you need to get your act together. She doesn’t love you because of your money, she doesn’t love you because of your job. She loves you because of the man you are, the man you probably promised her you’ll be.”
I exhale, shaking my head. “I need to go back to the city then, find work there.”
“Hell, don’t let Jaxon push you around. You can get back on his crew, he just needs to know that whatever you are intending to do with Honor is pure.”
“You think if I get my shit together, come back to Honor with something more to offer than my pickup truck, he might understand?”
“Hard to refuse a man willing to commit to a woman.”
“I love this mountain. I love this work. I told you at the barbecue, how I thought I’d spend my life in a mechanic shop, but that was before I spent any time in the great outdoors.”
Buck nods his head slowly. “You know, I’m co-owner in the business. You want to stay on the crew, you fucking can.”
“Oh yeah. You think Jax will like that?”
“Jaxon doesn’t have to know a thing about it. You’ve been working on the house out on old Mill Road? It’s not done, right?”
“Yeah, there are just a few loose ends to tie up. They are bringing out appliances tomorrow. The whole thing can go on the market in about a week.”
Buck nods slowly. “You need to buy yourself that fucking house.”
I run my hands over my beard. “You're right, man. It’s not much, but it would be a home. There are only two bedrooms, but that’s enough space for us to start with.”
“You think you could get together a down payment?” Buck asks.
“Yeah, I was thinking I oughta sell my truck anyway.”
“If you need any help, I can always—”
I shake my head. “No, I have about 20 grand in the bank. I was saving it to open my mechanic shop. I never thought of buying a house, I thought I was too young to settle down like that.”
“But now?” Buck asks raising his eyebrows.
“Now I don’t want to be fucking anywhere but here. Now I want to stake a claim for my family.”
Buck grins as he brings his cup of coffee to his mouth. “Good. It looks like you’ve become a real mountain man. You know what’s yours, and you know how to get it.” He laughs, shaking his head. “And I’d be lying if I said pulling the wool over Jaxon’s eyes for a few weeks wouldn't make me happy.”
I laugh, which is a feat in and of itself. An hour ago, I didn’t think I’d have anything to smile about for a long fucking time.
Buck claps his hands, getting down to business.
“Looks like you’ve got to get to work, son.”
I nod, knowing I’m going to do everything I can, so when I see Honor next, I will be the man she needs.
18
It’s been five days. Five days of hearing nothing from Hawk.
I feel like a fool. I let myself believe he loved me.
Then he left the first chance he got.
Stop it, I tell myself. It’s not fair to take this all out on him. What was he supposed to do? He’s not exactly welcome here. He doesn’t even have my number. And somewhere in the flurry of the last two weeks, I can’t seem to remember where I put his.
I remember him giving it to me, scrawling his numbers on a piece of scrap paper after that first night together, parked outside the diner.
“Where are you going?” Harper asks as I load up a baby bag, buckling Titus in the infant car seat in her living room. “You keep leaving every day, and I don’t know where you’re going. You can’t freeze me out forever.”
I look at Harper, my mouth set in a firm line. I need to figure out a way to get out of here. Soon. I don’t have much money left—exactly $43. Enough for gas to get me back to the city a few more times.
“I’ve been making appointments with social services, just like you told me to.”
“And? Are you getting very far?”
“No, I’m not.” Titus is already fussing his car seat. “Anyway,” I say, not meeting her eyes, “I gotta go.”
I need to drive to another office where I'll sit in a crowded waiting room, waiting for someone to take me seriously.
But I’m a single mom with a bunch of children, and I’m not alone in needing help. Especially since I’m not answering the questions the government employees are required to ask.
Yesterday I sat in an office, finally being seen, and asked if there was any way I could get help for rent.
The woman was busy, and I don’t blame her, I’m just one of the dozens of people she sees each day. Everyone needs something from her. Her hands are tied—it’s not like she can just start writing checks to women in need.
“I’m just trying to get the facts straight, dear,” she said, bringing her coffee to her lips. “Who is the father? And where were you living before you arrived at your cousin’s? If you’re in danger—”
“I’m not in danger. I just—”
How do I say don’t want to tell you where I come from? How do I say I don’t want to give you more information?
“I’m just trying to understand my options here,” I tell her. “Is there job training or—”
“Sweetie, are you running from someone?” she asks.
I shook my head, not wanting to give up my story yet. Not without the permission of the other wives.
“I just want to know my options,” I tell her.
“Well, you can fill out the form—the application for assistance.”
I flip through it, overwhelmed with what I read. They need to know my Social Security number, my address, my medical history—all things that are stressing me out.
“It seems like a lot of paperwork.” It’s not the actual task that has me overwhelmed--it’s the information they require me to give in order for me to receive help.
The woman looked at me blankly. “Honey, we need this information in order for you to get assistance.”
“I understand. Is there a women’s shelter, somewhere I could go...”?
“There is, but the shelter here doesn’t have very many spaces. I could put you on a waiting list...”
I shook my head. Not ready to take that step. To give her my name.
“Thank you. I have a lot to think about.” I stood, Timothy, Titus, and Thomas nestled close to me. Titus is in a sling and Timothy on my hip. I hold Thomas’s hand as we walk out.
“You forgot the application,” the lady said.
I turn back and take it from her hand, shoving it in my diaper bag.
I left Luke because I wanted a better life for myself... And I know what going down this route costs.
It’s not that I’m scared of working hard. Pulling up my bootstraps and getting a job while scraping by.
No, I felt so overwhelmed about this because I realized what it will cost the rest of the people in Luke’s congregation. This choice will cause them to lose theirs.
Harper looks at me again. “So, where are you going today?”
“I saw an ad online for a job. It’s at a daycare and says you can bring your kids. So, I’m gonna go in and check it out.”
“Really?” Harper asks. “That seems like a lot to manage, watching your kids plus someone else’s.”
“Yes, I realize that. But I don’t have a lot of options if I want to leave Luke. And—” I want to tell her it wouldn’t be so hard if she hadn’t been so cruel to Hawk that night.
If she hadn’t pushed him away, maybe he could have helped me sort all of this out.
Harper and Jaxon made it clear what they think about my choices. I can’t stay here any longer.
“Listen, Honor,” she says. “Things have been so tense this week. And Jaxon and I were only trying to do what was best for you.”
I scoff, so irritated with her. “You have no idea what is best for me. You aren’t me. Harper, I just don’t understand how someone like you can judge me
. After all you’ve been through.” I shake my head, tears in my eyes. The boys are all strapped into their car seats and I don’t want to make them wait much longer.
“You’re not seeing things from my point of view,” Harper says, reaching for my arm.
I pull away.
“I understand your point of view perfectly. You got everything you wanted.”
“That doesn’t mean I can’t understand—”
“Yes, it does Harper. It means you don’t understand at all. Things worked out perfectly for you, you got caught in a winter snowstorm and pounded on Jaxon’s door. You fell into his arms and had his babies. You got your happily ever after. My life... it isn’t happily ever after anything. And I thought... I thought I might get that with Hawk. But he left and I don’t know if he is ever coming back. Now I’m alone. And you know what? I may not have any money, but I have a lot of love. And I still have hope. And even if it’s going to be really hard—I can do this. I don’t need you. I can do this all by myself.”
I pull away from her, knowing the ticking clock on my life is picking up speed.
Time is running out.
I may talk a big talk, but I know I need to make a plan. Because otherwise, I’m going back to Luke.
Whatever I choose, I’m making this choice on my own.
I have the application all filled out and ready to turn back in.
I’m applying for the job at the daycare, although the woman looked at me warily after I told her how many babies I would have with me.
“It might work, you just have to be willing to start really soon. Our other girl is leaving at the end of next week. You need to be reliable. You can’t call in sick. Which means you have to keep your kids healthy too.”
“And the pay?” I asked.
“It’s 10 bucks an hour.”
I swallowed. Ten bucks an hour, before taxes and social security. It leaves me with seven dollars and some change. Times 40 hours a week. Times four weeks... It would be so tight.
But I can make it work. With foods stamps and WIC. I just need to find a one-bedroom apartment that we can all squeeze into. That wouldn’t be hard either, heck, we’ve been living in a one-bedroom for the last month.