HONORED: The Mountain Man's Babies

by Frankie Love

  But I know I can’t have that life, even if I’ve sorted it all out in my head.

  Because I’m sitting here in the bathroom. The kids are asleep. And my hands are shaking.

  I can’t turn in that application.

  I can’t take the job.

  I know all of this because I must go back to Luke.

  Because even before I take the test I know the reality of the situation.

  I’ve been here three times before. My breasts are tender. I’m a week late.

  I pee on the stick, wait 60 seconds.

  See the positive sign.

  Pregnant.

  I can’t take a job at a daycare knowing how horrible my morning sickness gets. There’s no way I’d be able to care for my three kids, plus all the babies at the daycare, plus carrying a child.

  I did this to myself. In the heat of the moment with Hawk, the condom broke, and after that, we didn’t even bother.

  All I thought about when I was with him was love. Pure unadulterated love.

  But now? Now I feel like a fool.

  I press my hand against my belly, tears streaking my face.

  I don’t regret for a moment being pregnant.

  I have Hawk’s baby within me, even if he doesn’t want me, this is the most pure manifestation of love in the world.

  There is only one thing I regret. And that is not opening the bathroom door the night he left.

  19

  Maybe if Hawk had come back for me. Maybe if he had fought harder.

  Fought at all.

  But it’s been a week since he left. A week since my body was wrapped in his arms.

  And maybe some people would think that one week is not a very long time, but my life has never been on the same trajectory as other people’s.

  I was promised to Luke young, had babies young, ran away from a monster young, and fell head over heels when I was young.

  I’ve never had the luxury of living my life in slow motion. Every milestone has been accelerated. Which makes every day feel like a week and every week feel like a month and every month feel like a year.

  My birth certificate may say that I’m twenty-two years old, but I feel like an old soul.

  And I’m trying to be brave.

  I’ve been angry at Harper. She could make this easier on me. Jaxon could make things easier, too. But I’m trying to not hold these things against them; they helped me when I was in the biggest crisis of my life—until this latest one—and instead of wallowing in my reality, I’m trying to be brave.

  Trying to be strong.

  Thomas cries, tugging at me. “Mama, no,” he bellows as I break down the Pack ‘n Play. “Stay.”

  My phone rings, but I let it go to voicemail; I have too much to do right now.

  “Baby, it’s time to go, okay?” I kiss his little fist and watch as he goes back to his little race cars.

  Harper walks into the guest room, shaking her head. “Where are you going now?”

  “We’re leaving.”

  She looks at me incredulously. “You can’t go.”

  “You can’t have it both ways, Harper. You can’t be mad I’m leaving, but then tell me how I have to live under your roof. I have a family to take care of. I can’t be living here knowing you’re going to judge me.”

  I feel brave for the words I use, some people might think it’s weak of me to go back to Luke’s house, but I don’t feel like that at all.

  I left in the first place because I was trying to give my children a better life. And when he started calling two days ago, telling me my time had run out, that he was coming for his children, I made a new plan.

  So, my plan is this: I’m going to go home to Luke, to my sister-wives. The children know that house, feel safe there, and I’ll take the next three months before I start showing and try to save as much money as I can.

  I’ll convince Kind and True that they should leave, too. The three of us can go to social services together and ask for help. Luke doesn’t give us access to bank accounts, but we get grocery money every week, and household expenditure money too. I think if we pull together we’ll have enough money to leave.

  And then we can involve CPS. Tell them why we had to go. Together.

  I can’t leave those women without any way of getting out. Together we can be strong.

  The phone call went to voicemail and I pick up and listen to the message, ignoring Harper who is still standing in the doorway.

  It’s Luke. “I’m on my way to get you, Honor. I’m not messing around, it’s time you return to your family.”

  I swallow, knowing this is the best option. For me. For my boys.

  I pretend that my heart isn’t broken over Hawk letting me go.

  I walk past Harper and head to the living room. I secure Titus in a sling and Timothy and Thomas straggle behind me.

  “So where exactly are you going?” Harper asks.

  I swallow my bitterness toward her, but if she could’ve been a little bit more patient, a little bit more open, this wouldn’t be happening right now.

  Even as I think it, though, I know it’s not fair to blame any of this on Harper. She’s doing the best she can.

  “Did you apply for another job or...” She bites her bottom lip, setting her baby in the swing.

  “No, I’m not getting a job, I’m actually going home. Luke’s on his way right now.”

  Harper’s jaw drops. “No way, you can’t go back to him.” She shakes her head, tears in her eyes. “Jaxon and I were trying to do the right thing. And we’ve been trying to talk to you all week, but you shut us out. We understand you’re angry that we told Hawk to leave, but he’s no good for—”

  “That’s the problem, Harper. You’re so scared of me getting hurt you don’t even realize your choices are the ones that are hurting me. Hawk never hurt me. You did.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m just trying to protect you.”

  “By telling me who I can love?”

  “You really think you love Hawk?” Harper looks incredulous.

  “What happened to the Harper I used to know? The Harper who was willing to risk everything for the man she loved?” I ask. “I came here because I thought you were less judgmental than the people I go to church with. But Harper, you’re so close-minded.”

  My words hit her in the gut, and she gasps, covering her mouth with her hand. “Oh, Honor, I’m so ashamed. You’re right, it’s not my place to tell you how to live your life.” She wipes the tears on her cheeks. “Please forgive me, it was so wrong of me.”

  “I just don’t understand why you dug your heels in so hard,” I say.

  “Honor you came here so you could be free, and I saw you with Hawk that night, and the only thing I could think was that you were going to be stuck with him forever. You were going to get yourself tied up in another man the same way you did with Luke.”

  I drop my head back. “But I wanted to be tied up with Hawk. And now he’s gone and he hasn’t called and... so I made my choice. Luke is coming for me.”

  “No, you can’t go with him, stay here and we will call Haw—”

  I step toward her resting my hand on her arm. “I don’t want any more handouts. This isn’t what I would’ve planned, but I’m going to carve a path for my own future. I hoped that future was with Hawk, but—”

  “But now you’re going to give your future to Luke?” Harper asks incredulously.

  I shake my head. I explain to her my plan. How I’m going to convince Kind and True to go with me to CPS. I’m going to save money and get a job.

  I’m not going to leave those two stuck with Luke.

  “I just don’t think you’ve thought this all through,” Harper says.

  I shake my head. “Harper, you’re doing it again. You think you know what’s best for me.”

  “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t easy, and Jaxon and I have just made it harder.”

  “You can help by helping me load the van.”

  Harper covers her face, cle
arly shocked that I am determined to go through with this. Instead of arguing anymore, she simply nods her head and grabs a bag from my bedroom.

  As she walks outside, I see that she’s already pressed a phone to her ear. I can’t make out what she’s saying, but I can guess she’s talking to Jaxon.

  I keep loading up the van, with our clothes and the kids’ toys, not quite sure when Luke will show up.

  It’s sooner than I expect. He pulls up and parks his car behind my van. He steps out, glaring at me.

  I’ve still got Titus in the sling, and Timothy and Thomas are playing in the grass. When he sees them, he plasters a big smile on his face.

  I know the only reason he wants me back is to save face. So, that the church believes that he has a perfect family like God destined for him.

  “You all packed up?” he asks. “I didn’t hear back from you after I called. You are supposed to return my calls, Honor.”

  “I’ve been busy. But the van is packed and ready to go,” I say.

  Luke steps closer to me and pulls me into an embrace. My back stiffens, my breath hot, my skin crawling with memories I want to forget.

  In the month apart from him, I totally forgot how utterly horrible he is to be around. As I made my plans, I seemed to forget how terrible he makes me feel, how he pretends to be a saint when deep down I know he’s a monster.

  Harper walks out of the house, looks at him tightly. “Jaxon’s on his way, Luke. He doesn’t want you on his property,” she tells him with fiery eyes. “So, don’t try anything.”

  “Not gonna try anything, Honor’s my wife. I can do with her how I please,” he simpers.

  “She’s not your wife. This is not a legal marriage.”

  Just then, Jaxon’s truck barrels down the driveway and he parks, jumping out of it before it even stops running, as if he can’t bear the idea of Harper and me being here alone with Luke.

  I admit that there is an echo of relief from seeing him here.

  “She’s not coming with you,” Jaxon tells them.

  “Oh yes, she is. Ask her yourself. Are you coming home with me, darlin’?” He wraps his arm around my waist. My entire body tenses, I close my eyes.

  “Yes, I’m going home with Luke.”

  Harper shakes her head, “Jaxon, this is our fault. We got between her and Hawk.”

  Luke steps away from me glaring between the three of us. “Her and who?” he asks.

  “No one,” I tell him. “Nothing. Harper was just—”

  Jaxon shakes his head at Harper as if willing her to stay quiet.

  “What are you saying?” Luke asks. “Have you been whoring around?”

  “Don’t,” I beg him, “the kids are right here.”

  “So, it’s true. You’ve been a little slut while you’ve been away?”

  Luke pulls back his shoulders, his face growing red; he’s angry. “Now you’ll have to repent, repent for your sins you little bitch.”

  I pull in a sharp breath, pressing my hands around Titus’ ears, knowing he doesn’t understand the words, but shame flooding me for them nonetheless.

  “Do not call me that. Do not—”

  I don’t say anymore, because Luke reaches for me, grabs my wrists hard and pulls me to him. He squeezes me so tightly I’m scared my wrist is going to break.

  “Let me go, Luke. “

  Luke has never touched me like this before. Never gotten this cold.

  But he’s angry now.

  “Who is Hawk? Who is this man who ruined you?”

  “Let me go.”

  With my free hand, I shield Titus and I step away, but Luke reaches for my shoulder, squeezing tight, and pushing hard at me.

  It all happens in a flash: Luke pushing me, Jaxon reaching for him, pulling him away, right as another car pulls into the driveway.

  I fall to the ground, my arms wrapping around my baby, and my eyes close, barely registering that a man is running toward Luke.

  I blink, seeing him punch Luke in the face. Luke falls to the ground with the single blow. The man stands over him, and Luke doesn’t try to stand.

  The children scream.

  Harper cries. Titus sobs. My head spins and I will myself to focus on the reality of the scene before me.

  The man protecting us from this monster is Hawk.

  Hawk with his strong arms and his solid hands, keeping me from the man who hurt me.

  Luke’s face is bloodied, yet he still manages to snarl, “You’re the man who turned my wife into a slut?”

  Hawk drags him up by his shoulders, “You best get in your car, you motherfucker. And don’t ever show up here again.”

  “You can’t tell me what to do,” Luke manages, wiping the blood from his face.

  I’m sobbing, the boys are crying, huddling around me where I lie on the ground.

  “I was only willing to come back because you never physically hurt me before,” I shout, using the voice I’d been scared to use in the past. “But what kind of mother would I be to go back to you now? To take them back to a monster.”

  “I’m calling the police,” Harper yells. “Your whole cult is going to burn to the ground.”

  “You’re going to do that to Kind and True, your parents, where are they gonna go?” Luke asks, turning to me. “They’ll be out on the street because of you.”

  “I don’t know,” I admit, not needing all the answers right now. I look at Hawk, knowing I have enough answers for this moment. “I don’t have all the answers, but I do know this. You need to leave.”

  Hawk wraps his arms around me, helping me off the ground, kissing Titus on his head, helping soothe the boys. Timothy is already on his hip, Thomas, too.

  “You’re nothing but a filthy whore, you’re not gonna take me down. As God as my witness—”

  “As God is my witness, you'd better step down,” Hawk growls. His voice is so firm and determined, all of us stand still. “You may think Honor was your woman, but you’re wrong. She was never yours. You tried to take her, but she won’t be claimed by a man like you.”

  I look at Hawk, my heart beating so fast, the afternoon changing so quickly. Hawk is here.

  He came back.

  I’m shaking, having felt so vulnerable in Luke’s presence, but now I’m not scared at all. Because Hawk is here. His arms are around me and the boys, he is protecting us.

  “To hell with you all!” Luke climbs into his car and drives away, screeching tires, as if he can’t get away fast enough.

  “Are you okay, baby?” he asks, cradling my face in his hands, the children between us.

  “I am now. You came back for me. I thought you left forever.” I start shaking again, hating that he ever left and trying to understand why.

  “I didn’t mean to scare you when I didn’t come back. I was just getting my shit in order before I came to get the woman I loved.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t need anything, I don’t need anything put in order, all I need is you.”

  “Angel, I know you say that, but you have three babies, they need a place to sleep. A roof over their heads. A kitchen and a table. I needed you to know I could take care of my family.”

  I pull in a sharp intake of breath, “Your family?”

  “Damn straight.”

  “Hawk, it’s too much.” I shake my head wondering why I’m getting everything I ever wanted when I made such a mess of everything already.

  “Angel, I love you more than life itself. I never had a purpose until I met you. The moment I saw your face, I knew that my life was no longer my own, it was yours.”

  He’s on bended knee now, looking up at me, taking my hand in his. “Your boys are my boys as far as I'm concerned.” Titus is still in the sling, and Thomas has his arms wrapped around my leg, and Timothy is crawling up onto Hawk’s lap.

  Jaxon and Harper watch us with mouths gaping open.

  “I fell in love with you at first sight,” Hawk tells me. “And I will love you for the rest of my life. Let me prove t
hat to you as your husband. Do me the honor of becoming my wife.” Hawk pulls out a ring, a simple gold band that holds more beauty than a ten-carat diamond. It holds the same simple beauty as our love—a never ending circle of unity.

  “Yes, of course,” I tell him.

  He slips it on my finger, then he stands, wiping the tears from my face, pressing his forehead to mine, kissing me softly on the lips. My heart is overwhelmed, my body is shaking. Hawk is going to be my husband.

  He loves me.

  And he never left.

  “I’m sorry I was gone for the last week, but I was finishing building our home. Signed the papers this morning, it’s ours.”

  “A home of our own?” I furrow my brow, confused. “But how?”

  “Sold my tools, a few cars I had back in the city. And I’ve been saving up to buy a mechanic shop of my own.”

  “You gave up everything for us?”

  “No, Angel. I sold the stuff that held me back. It’s time I got tied down to the only thing that matters. My family.”

  Hawk explains to Jaxon, Harper, and me that the house he was finishing up with Buck’s crew is complete and ready for us to move in.

  “Shit, you bought it outright?” Jax asks.

  Hawk nods, explaining that he bought me a home.

  “I’m so sorry, Hawk,” Jax says. “I had no idea you were so committed. I should have never sent you away like I did. I thought—”

  “I know what you thought. And Honor and I should’ve been more honest in the first place. Truth is, we feared losing what we found.”

  “Still, I could’ve done better. I shut you out.”

  “I could’ve done better too,” Harper says. “I already apologized to Honor earlier, but let me apologize to you, too. I was so worried about protecting her that didn’t realize I was hurting her.” Harper pulls Hawk into a hug, and he lets her know all is forgiven.

  “What I’m trying to understand is how you were out at that site all week finishing that house when I told Buck you were off our crew?”

  Hawk smiles. “That’s not my problem, boss.”

  He explains that Buck helped this past week, helping him figure out a home loan, and get the house furnished with Rosie’s help.