Ayrie: An Auxem Novel

by Lisa Lace

  It was the best night of my life.

  Chapter Ten

  AYRIE

  I lay back. It was so dark in the loft that I couldn’t see the ceiling, no matter how much I stared at it. Elle had fallen asleep after we both came again. Considering that I hadn’t actually fucked her, I felt incredible. The warm, soft darkness wrapped around us and my mind drifted back to Elle. She pressed gently to my side, and I wanted to keep her there.

  I had to face reality. I cared about Elle. It had worried me when I couldn’t find her. I had thought she might be dead. But tonight, something else had released inside me. I didn’t know what, exactly, but I felt different. There was less grief in my life.

  I knew I would have to give Elle a chance. I couldn’t keep giving only half of myself, holding a part back so I wouldn’t be hurt. A realization was dancing around the edge of my mind.

  I might be able to live without Elle, but I didn’t want to.

  I had to pursue a relationship with her, no matter where it took me.

  I must have eventually fallen asleep. By the time I woke up, it seemed to be late morning. Elle still snuggled close to me. I could hear birds in the nearby jungle. The musky smell of our bodies mingled with the fresh breeze coming in from the downstairs window.

  Finding her close made me smile. I liked having her there. Why had I pushed her away for so long? Right now, I was as close to happy as I had ever been before. She took a deep breath, keeping her eyes closed while a goofy smile appeared on her lips. Her hands started to explore my chest.

  “This isn’t a dream, right?”

  I kissed her forehead. “Sorry, Elle. It’s all real.”

  She kept her eyes closed. “Good.”

  I found her hand and interlaced our fingers. The air was warm, but I could hear the wind outside sounding like it was blowing louder than usual. It probably meant something, but I didn’t know what.

  “Should we go for a swim?” I stared into her lovely brown eyes as she finally pulled them open. “Or you want to sleep some more?”

  “Swim.” Apparently, she was still waking up. Her stomach rumbled. After everything that happened yesterday, I had completely forgotten to pick more breadfruit.

  “We’ll get something to eat first. We finished off the last of the fruit yesterday.” She was making me feel irresponsible.

  Elle put her hand on my cheek. “You weren’t thinking about dinner, Ayrie. Neither one of us was.”

  I shook my head. “You don’t eat enough, especially if I don’t remind you. You’re too thin.”

  She gave me a smile as if she liked that I was concerned. “That’s a complaint every woman wants to hear.”

  “I mean it, Elle. You should keep up your strength. You were sick, and you need to recover completely.”

  “You’re right. That’s one thing I’ve learned down here. I’m not healthy yet.”

  “Later we can make some smoke again. We have to get off this island. As much as I enjoy being here alone with you, if you faint or I can’t find you, I’m all alone out here. We need help.”

  “I enjoyed some alone time yesterday. It made me feel different. Stronger, somehow. I think it means I need to take time for myself, not that I want to live on a deserted island.”

  ELLE

  Even though we had just decided to get food and go for a swim, neither of us made a move to get up. I stretched luxuriously, putting my arms up over my head and realized that Ayrie was staring at me.

  I had forgotten that I was completely naked, and self-consciously put my hands in strategic places. “Sorry about that. I think my clothes are on the beach.”

  “You don’t have to cover anything. I’m enjoying the view.”

  I got up before he could see me smile. My body was still sore from everything that happened yesterday — the swimming, walking, and other delicious activities. I felt my legs buckle almost as soon as I stood. I sat down again, feeling weak.

  “What’s wrong?” Ayrie sat up quickly.

  “I’m not sure. I’m dizzy, and it’s hard for me to breathe.”

  “You haven’t fully recovered from your sickness. Or maybe this mess is giving you a relapse.”

  Now that he mentioned it, it did feel the same as when I had been ill a few months ago. Ayrie fussed over me for a few minutes. When I tried to stand up again, with his help this time, my legs supported my weight, and I didn’t feel weak anymore.

  “I can take care of myself, Ayrie. I’ll be fine.”

  His look suggested that he didn’t believe me. But I felt so much better than before that the sight of him naked was making me moist. I was turning shameless.

  Fooling around with Ayrie had felt amazing. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t penetrated me. I had never come like that before with anyone. The only problem was that I still felt empty. I needed him inside me. I wanted him to fill me.

  I vaguely remembered having a G-spot orgasm from fumbling sex with my first boyfriend. It was good, but not repeatable. I had a feeling that fucking Ayrie would blow my mind.

  I sighed as we wandered down to the beach, bare as the day we were born. Ayrie hadn’t put his pants back on, and he seemed to be enjoying a shirtless island look. The quilt needed washing again. He carried it on his shoulder. It conveniently covered the purple marks on the back, but I knew he still had bruises from when he hit the water.

  I closed my eyes as my bare feet touched the soft, warm sand. It almost felt as good as Ayrie touching me.

  I had to come down out of the clouds before I got hurt. Ayrie liked me, which was more than I had hoped for. He desired me. But he didn’t love me. I had to remember that and not expect too much from him.

  Whatever we were now, it was better than being bitter enemies. It would have to be enough. I wondered if these half-glimpses of what we could have together would satisfy either one of us.

  There was no point in worrying about that now. Today was going to be wonderful.

  As I waded into the water, holding Ayrie’s hand, I realized that I was happy. The thought was shocking. I barely remembered the feeling.

  We floated, swam, and kissed. We talked about nothing and everything. When I eventually stood up to go back onto the sand and dry off, I spotted something on the horizon.

  “Ayrie!” I felt a spike of excitement. “Do you see anything over there?” I pointed to a distant location on the horizon. He stood up, and I tried not to get distracted by his sexy naked body next to me. I hadn’t seen much of him last night. Before that, I hadn’t ever seen him without clothes.

  It was a magnificent sight.

  He put his hand up to shade his eyes. “Yeah, I think I do.”

  I had been plotting how I could fuck him tonight, but I dragged my thoughts away, paying attention to the little dot that was turning into a line.

  “I think it’s a ship.” He glanced at me. “I’ll run up and get the fire started.”

  “I’ll wave my arms and yell.”

  He hesitated for a second like he didn’t want to leave me.

  “Ayrie, what’s taking so long? We’ve been waiting for this.”

  He nodded and headed to the shack. I heard him a few minutes later, tearing fire plant in the bushes before he disappeared.

  I jumped up and down, waving my arms over my head and screaming, “Hey. Look over here!” I started feeling cold, and realized I wasn’t wearing any clothes. If they were looking through their telescopes, I would certainly catch their attention.

  My clothes were dry after I washed them yesterday. They were stiff, but I had nothing else to wear. Being nude might be perfect for an idyllic night in a tropical paradise with my husband, but I needed proper attire if someone was going to rescue me.

  With a shock, I realized we were going to have to return to the real world. I didn’t know what would happen, and I felt overwhelming worry creep into my heart. Would everything we had together disappear as soon as we returned to the depressing Auxem ship?

  I realized the mothership ha
d been affecting my mind. It had housed so much sorrow for so long that it might be contagious. I hoped that it would be different once we arrived at Auxem. I hadn’t researched the planet to see what its environment was like. I didn’t think it was like Vandwa, but it didn’t matter.

  I wasn’t going to get to stay on Auxem once they realized I wasn’t becoming pregnant. I could see everything that would happen. They would assume I had fertility issues and would offer to help. But there was nothing wrong with my body. Ayrie could have me barefoot and pregnant for twenty years if we wanted that many children. I somehow knew fertility would not be an issue for us.

  The problem was the sex. It wasn’t part of our relationship. If Ayrie had been a different person, we could have enjoyed each other and left things where they were. But he was from Auxem and sex created a life bond between the mating pair.

  He couldn’t have casual sex with me. I didn’t want to have sex with anyone except him.

  I turned to look up at the hill. Ayrie had a fire going, and smoke was billowing from the top. He had gotten there so quickly that he must have run all the way up. I shook my head. He seemed to have many unique talents, but I shouldn’t get used to having him around.

  Once they figured out we couldn’t get pregnant, they would send me back to Earth and bring another woman for Ayrie. He could choose someone else to have his children.

  The thought made me sick to my stomach. I didn’t want him to have another woman. I didn’t want anyone else to fuck him or have a belly swollen with his child.

  It should all be mine.

  I finally understood how much I was willing to give to get him, but it wasn’t something that was part of my destiny. Ayrie cared about me. He was attracted to me. But those things were different from love. Love was what we needed, but could never have.

  Chapter Eleven

  AYRIE

  I raced up the hill with a pile of hastily gathered fire plant tumbling out of my arms. My bare feet pounded on the ground. The rocks hurt when they tore the soft flesh of my feet. Years of living on a starship had not prepared my body for barefoot running.

  Nothing was more important to me right now than getting Elle off the island. She wasn’t eating, and I didn’t want her to get sick again. I needed to get on the hill and start a fire.

  When I reached the top, breathless and heart pounding, I dropped to my knees and got to work. After I had dropped the flint twice, I slowed down and began taking my time. It wouldn’t do to rush and make mistakes. When the fire plant started burning, I began feeding green leaves into the fire. Thick smoke filled the air, and I began to choke. The wind shifted direction, sending clouds of black smoke over me. I stumbled back to get out of it, coughing and rubbing my watering eyes.

  It took a minute before I could see properly again. I thought the ship was getting larger. I could almost believe it was coming to the island and we were saved. But it changed course, and I watched it begin sailing away.

  If it weren’t for Elle’s illness, I would be content to stay here forever with her. Just the two of us, with no responsibilities and no worries.

  We had to get back to civilization.

  I had no idea how we were going to do it.

  ELLE

  As I watched Ayrie trudge across the beach toward me, I knew he had seen the same thing I did. He dropped to the sand beside me, pulled his knees up and rested his forehead on them without looking at me.

  “I’m sure another ship will come along soon.” Wouldn’t it?

  “We’re in a dead zone, Elle.” He sounded tired. “It’s not a geographic limitation. It’s because our patch of ocean isn’t useful for anything, according to the natives. They don’t care if people can access a network when they’re on the island. We’re not supposed to be here.”

  “Didn’t you say your friend was in the dead zone?”

  “Yes, but only because he’s doing research on the ocean.” Ayrie lifted his head to look at me. “It’s not because there are people or other ships. He tries to come out here to do studies without the interference of anyone else. He and his wife are still trying to invent a plan for an underwater building.”

  “But Ayrie...”

  “Let’s be honest with ourselves. The ship we just saw might have been our only chance off the island. They didn’t see our smoke. We’re in trouble.”

  “There must be something we can do.” I didn’t know anything about traveling away from Earth. Wasn’t there a space equivalent of the Boy Scouts?

  “We can improve the shack, I guess. We’ll plant a garden and settle down.”

  “Do you really think no one will pass by for a long time?”

  “No, I don’t.” His tone sounded exaggerated as if he were explaining something to a small child. “I don’t think we should hope that someone will rescue us.”

  His tone irritated me. He didn’t need to act like a jerk. How was I supposed to know what he was thinking? Ayrie stood up and walked away from me. When he returned, he had a pensive expression on his face.

  “Unless...”

  “Unless what?”

  He held up his hand for silence. “Let me think for a minute.” He sounded curt.

  I felt hurt. We had been treating each other so well before. At the first sign of trouble, Ayrie was back to acting rude to me. Well, fuck that. I felt more pissed off at him than I ever had before.

  “Weren’t you thinking when you walked away? Can you think without being uncivil? You’re shutting me out again. Whatever we have, island fever maybe, is going to vanish in a puff of smoke when we get back to the ship.”

  “That’s not going to happen.” He looked upset, but I didn’t care. “I don’t want that.”

  “You could have fooled me.” I stood. I was getting so angry that I couldn’t sit still any longer. “I don’t know why you’re spending your time trying to get us off the island. If things are going to be like this, I don’t want to go.”

  “You don’t want to leave? You must be feeling sick. We need to get off this island and find you proper food and a doctor, Elle.”

  “I don’t have a problem. Poor Elle. She’s so weak and helpless. She always needs someone to bail her out of the trouble.”

  I stomped my foot onto the sand. “Fuck that.” I shouted the words into his face.

  Ayrie looked angrier than I had ever seen him before. A jolt of fear went through me.

  My next move wasn’t intentional. Ayrie reached a hand up to run it through his hair, and I ducked. I flinched away from his hands, thinking he was going to hit me.

  The look on his face made me feel like I had struck him. His shoulders slumped down, and his head dropped. “Did you think I was going to hurt you?” The energy in his voice disappeared.

  “I didn’t mean to do that. I trust you.” I felt like I should have said something different. The words sounded pathetic. I should have given him a convincing argument.

  He looked like I had betrayed him. “No. You don’t.”

  My anger rose again. “Ayrie, give me a break. If anything, you’re the one who doesn’t trust me. You’re afraid I’m going to die for no reason. You won’t let yourself trust me with your heart because you’re scared you’ll get it broken.” He looked furious, but I didn’t care. I was determined to tell him the truth. I wasn’t going to hold anything back. I moved toward him and poked him in the chest. “Here’s a news flash for you. Life comes with pain, but that’s why you love and trust. It makes up for everything else.”

  Emotions moved across his face so quickly that I couldn’t name them. “Elle, you think I don’t trust you?”

  “If you did, we wouldn’t be standing here right now. We’d be back on the ship, and there would be a bond between us.”

  His chest rose and fell. A lock blond hair fell into his eyes, and he pushed it out. The next thing he said came out like a growl. “Do you want me to prove I trust you?”

  I nodded.

  “What if I showed you something that’s supposed to b
e a secret? Would that convince you?”

  I swallowed. I hadn’t been thinking about anything like that, but I supposed it would do. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know a secret about Ayrie, though. In my life, secrets were always bad.

  Don’t tell, Elle. No one needs to know. You made me mad. It was your fault. They won’t believe you anyway. We’ll keep this between us. Wear long sleeves to hide the marks. Shhh. Keep quiet. If you tell, I’ll hurt you again.

  What if it changed everything between us? What if he was a terrible person and I hadn’t realized it before? I didn’t have a record of success at picking out good people from bad.

  Ayrie started to walk into the jungle. I felt confused. Was this what he was trying to show me? Or was he so angry he couldn’t stand to look at me any longer?

  Maybe he had decided to live on the hilltop while I stayed at the shack. We would be separate for the rest of our lives, stuck on an island together but never speaking to each other. It would be a personal hell for me.

  I should have known the happiness wouldn’t last. It never had before.

  I didn’t think he was coming back. I waded into the warm water, hoping the ocean would take away my problems. I floated on my back, staring up at the sky and trying to find the sense of peace I had discovered yesterday.

  It eluded me. All I could think about was Ayrie’s angry expression and how he had left me without looking back or saying anything.

  I left the water. I decided I would return to camp and start making the evening fire before gathering some food. I shouldn’t have pushed him so hard, but I needed something more from my life. If he was only willing to give part of himself to me, I didn’t want any of it.

  I covered my face with my hands. That wasn’t true at all. I wanted whatever scraps of Ayrie he was willing to throw at me. I would take anything, and I was going to get nothing. Bitter tears streamed down my face when I realized I had pushed him away and made him leave. I had no one to blame but myself.

  The sun dropped, making it cooler on the beach but I didn’t move off it. I couldn’t stop crying knowing I had dismissed the person who mattered the most.