Ayrie: An Auxem Novel

by Lisa Lace

  “Bond Rejection Syndrome?”

  “That’s it. You told me about it. I thought that happened to your uncle. It sounded terrible. Why did you imagine it would be okay to put you and Elle in so much danger?” He looked at me as if he didn’t recognize me.

  “Well, I wasn’t okay with it at all. Arnon had a problem with it too when we were married. He had me so concerned about it that we didn’t form a bond.”

  “Let me catch up here.” He put out a hand to stop me. I watched him with wary eyes as I saw him thinking. “Don’t you bond with someone when you have sex with them?”

  “Yes, that’s how it works.”

  “And you don’t have a bond with her?”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Ayrie, are you telling me you have never fucked your wife?”

  “No, I haven’t. Thanks for bringing it up so clearly.” I felt frustrated thinking about it.

  He shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t imagine doing anything like that.”

  “How long did you and Ashlyn wait? I’ve heard there’s a peculiar clause in the TerraMates contract about sex.”

  Nathaniel nodded. “That’s right. You don’t have to have it unless both parties consent.”

  “So what happened?”

  “Come on. It’s me. Ashlyn couldn’t keep her hands off my body.” He looked smug. “We started fucking the third night after we were married.”

  I must have looked shocked. Nathaniel gave me a roguish smirk which reminded me how easy it was for him to steal from the rich and give to the poor.

  “You’re a bastard.”

  “I am, aren’t I? But I can’t help it if I’m irresistible.”

  “Shut up, Nathaniel.”

  “I will as long as you promise to tell me more about your tale of woe.”

  I moved to hit him, but he was too far away, and I felt weak. He laughed.

  “We got married, but it turned out to be a big mistake because we don’t love each other,” I explained.

  He stared at me, wrinkling his forehead. “I think you mean you didn’t love each other.” He sounded like he was trying to solve a puzzle.

  “That’s not what I said. We didn’t, and we still don’t.”

  “You are full of shit.” In a single sentence, he managed to inject a tone of disbelief mixed with overwhelming pity at my idiocy.

  “Are you going to let me tell the story or not?” I didn’t like the look on his face.

  “By all means, don’t let me stop you. Keep going.”

  “It ended up being a blunder. We were unhappy with each other for ten months.” I looked down at my hands.

  “I sense a ‘but’ coming.”

  “We needed someone to come down here. Without thinking everything through, I invited Elle, and she agreed to come. We were both surprised by what happened.”

  “I think I know the rest. You crashed, right? Elle told us.”

  “We hit the ocean. Our ship didn’t make it, but we survived and ended up on the island. A lot of stuff happened there.” I trailed off, my eyes shifting as I thought about my time with Elle.

  “You’re not the first person to fall in love on Vandwa.” He had a sappy look on his face, and I wasn’t sure if he was being genuine or teasing me. “My brother fell in love with his wife on a deserted island, too. Maybe we should start a business.”

  “I’m not in love.” It was second nature to deny it now.

  “You’re going to start talking about how love only ends in pain, aren’t you? I thought you were going through a phase last time.”

  I made a sour face. “I don’t know what happened to me on the island.” He mouthed fell in love. I shook my head. “We got closer, and we fooled around one night. I couldn’t find her once and I just about lost my mind.”

  Nat nodded, his face solemn. “I know the feeling. Ashlyn had an accident when we first met and almost died. I couldn’t think while she was at the hospital. I was a major shipwreck.” He closed his eyes. I imagined he was reliving the terrible memories.

  “I had to tell her about my wings so we could get off the island.”

  “Why were you hiding them from her in the first place? Elle hinted it was a long story.”

  I explained that my father had made a royal edict. Nathaniel seemed to understand, but I sensed he didn’t like the idea. I agreed with him — I thought it was manipulative. I told him about the illness striking down half the Earth women during our first month in space. Elle had been sick for a long time, and I had learned she hadn’t fully recovered while we were out there.

  “I thought her condition was getting worse and I decided we needed to leave the island no matter what. We could have made it as long as we didn’t hit the storm. We’re lucky you found us. How did we run into you, anyway? It couldn’t have been by chance.”

  “It was, in a way.” Nathaniel leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. I remembered it was one of his habits and it made me smile. “Your brother contacted me and said you had disappeared. They were afraid you had an accident out here.”

  “We tried to send a signal back to the ship, but the malfunctioning converter was interfering with our communications systems. Elle could probably describe what happened better than I can. She’s a starship mechanic.”

  He nodded. “They didn’t hear anything from you and had no idea where you were. But he sent me the last known coordinates for your shuttle, and we began a systematic search. We had to moor at an island during the first storm. We got caught in the open sea in the second one. Ashlyn wanted me to sail directly into it to save you. I thought she was nuts.”

  “Remind me to thank her.”

  “Sure, right before you thank me for not listening to her. If I had, there might not have been a ship to rescue you, even after the love of your life dragged your sorry ass over here.”

  “She’s not the love of my life.”

  He held up his hand, and I stopped. “Lie to yourself if you must, but don’t lie to me.”

  “Are you going to let me finish or not?”

  “I thought you finished already.”

  “Nathaniel, she wants a divorce.” I felt a tear forming in my eye, and I quickly covered my face with my hands. It must have been because I was still traumatized from my ordeal.

  “It’s a good thing you don’t have a bond with her.”

  “I know.” I managed to bring myself under control long enough for me to take my hands away from my face and look at him. His unique turquoise eyes held nothing but compassion. “What do you think I should do?”

  “Maybe she’ll change her mind if you talk to her.”

  “We’ve done a lot of talking already. She’s not going to change her mind because she thinks she’s not good enough for me and can’t make me happy. If I don’t love her, she thinks this is a way for me to find someone else.”

  Nathaniel looked up in the air. “Is it all true? Do you love her, or not?”

  “I’m still trying to figure things out.” I let my gaze slide away from him. I didn’t need his judgment.

  “Is your plan to let her walk away?”

  “I don’t see any other options.”

  “It seems a little passive. Don’t you think there’s anything you can do?”

  “The problem is that she might be right. Maybe there is someone out there who would suit me better.”

  “You’re talking about the ideal woman. Someone who’s willing to start a romantic relationship with a guy who refuses to fall in love because he’s afraid he might get hurt.” Nathaniel’s cutting sarcasm blindsided me. “I can think of hundreds of girls who might fight over that kind of a guy.”

  “You’re not helping me.” I was starting to get annoyed.

  “I don’t understand why I should help you when you’re being a dummy.” He began to pace around the tiny room. “I’m going to tell you the truth because we’ve always been honest with each other.”

  I folded my arms across my chest.

  �
�You’ve got a gem of a woman there who loves you. There’s no reason for you to hold back because you’re afraid of getting hurt. You can’t prevent it, but love can make it better when it happens.”

  “You sound like Elle.”

  Nathaniel shook his head. “You can’t go through life like this, Ayrie. You’re going to end up like your father.”

  I was outraged. “That’s never going to happen. The reason I’m doing this is so I don’t end up like him!”

  “But don’t you see what’s happening to you?” He started to raise his voice. “If you push her away and end up alone with nobody to love, you’ll be exactly like your father. The difference is that you’ll be even bitterer than him because you never had any time with the woman you love.”

  “I can’t love her.” I felt upset and stubborn. Nathaniel was my friend and should be supporting me, not insulting me.

  “Can’t is not the same as won’t. I know you’re making a big mistake, Ayrie. You’re going to regret your decision long after you have any chance to fix it.”

  “Whatever.” I wished he would leave. I wanted to bury my head under the covers and nurse my wounds.

  “I want you to be happy. You’ll be miserable if you let Elle get away from you.” I heard a soft click as the door shut, leaving me alone with my confusion.

  Chapter Eighteen

  ELLE

  Ashlyn and Nathaniel’s house felt like a dream. I used to watch videos of wealthy people who lived on tropical islands back on Earth. Their home seemed like one of those mansions, and it made me uncomfortable.

  I had grown up poor. A scholarship helped me get through school, although I still had to live in the cheapest dorm available. Ever since I had started living with Ayrie, my living standards had gone up a level, but we were still on a starship. There were limits to what we could do.

  Nathaniel didn’t have any limits on anything. There was a lot of space, rooms never ended, and they had all the food anyone could ever want to eat.

  Everything was beautiful. There wasn’t a single ugly thing in the entire house. The views from every window were breathtaking. It was Ashlyn’s slice of heaven.

  I wondered how she had ended up here. She left Earth, just like me, to escape a bad situation. But she had ended up with a happily ever after, while I hadn’t. I wanted to know her secret.

  One day when we were chopping up some seaweed, I got up the courage to ask her about it.

  “After I helped my brother out of trouble, Nat and I worked things out.”

  “It was probably easy.” I thought about how close Ashlyn and Nathaniel were. “You guys are perfect for each other.”

  “That’s not the word I would have chosen.” An incredulous smile appeared on her face. “I had to stow away on my husband’s ship because he intended to leave me at home, then swim through shark-infested waters to follow him.”

  “Did that really happen to you?”

  “There must be something about this planet. It’s almost as exciting as falling out of the sky while flying on your husband’s back and saving him by swimming until your arms practically fall off.”

  “That’s not the same thing at all.” I felt my expression change as soon as she mentioned Ayrie. “I want to hear about you.”

  “Things weren’t always easy between us, Elle. We had to make an effort to talk and communicate with each other. We had to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves. We got angry with each other and fought. But it was worth going through hard times to get back to the good bits.”

  “‘Not easy’ seems like it would be heaven at the moment. Ayrie and I are at the point where things seem impossible.”

  “Maybe you’re making your problems bigger than they are.”

  I shook my head. “How do you win the love of a man who refuses to fall in love?”

  “Absolutely never? Can you stop yourself from falling in love with someone?”

  “Ashlyn, apparently you can. He’s said it out loud several times.”

  “That sounds like he’s lying to himself. Why don’t you start from the beginning?”

  I told her our entire story. “And that’s where we left things.” I took a deep breath. “I said I wanted a divorce.”

  Ashlyn’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry, I’m crying all the time now.”

  “You don’t have to apologize.” I gave a shrug. “It’s sad.”

  “Are you sure this is the best idea?” She washed her hands so she could wipe her eyes with a tea towel.

  “What else can I do, Ashlyn?” A hint of desperation was creeping into my voice. “If I stay with him, I’m going to have problems for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be almost loved or nearly desired. I’ll never be satisfied.”

  “How have you been able to stand being with him for all this time and not sleeping with him? I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through.”

  “It’s been a struggle, that’s for sure.”

  “I jumped Nat’s bones the third night. He was so hot!” Ashlyn fanned herself with her hand.

  I laughed in spite of myself. “I wish I were in your shoes. If I stay with Ayrie, I’ll never get what I want, which is for him to love me. If I leave, I’ll be broken-hearted for a while, but I’ll get over it.” Ashlyn looked at me with compassion. “I’ll find somebody new, right? Isn’t that how it works?”

  “You’re not the only person involved in the relationship. What about Ayrie? What happens to him when you give up?”

  “I’m not giving up on him, and I don’t like what you’re implying. That’s not what’s happening at all. I’m setting him free.”

  “Like a bird from a cage? Elle, do you know what happens when you free a domesticated bird?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “An ornithologist did a study. They’re usually eaten within the first day of their release.”

  “I’ll assume an ornithologist is a bird scientist.”

  “The title isn’t important. You might have the best of intentions when you set a bird free, but what you’re doing is sending them to their death.”

  “Ayrie has wings, but he’s not a bird. You’re starting to sound a little specist.” I should have held my tongue. I didn’t know Ashlyn well enough to sound as snarky as I felt.

  “It has nothing to do with his wings. All men are like birds in cages. They need us to take care of them. If you free Ayrie, he won’t be happy without you.”

  I understood the point she was trying to make, but I believed a man wouldn’t like her comparison. Since this conversation was ladies only, I wasn’t going to voice my protests.

  Ashlyn was still talking. “He might not die literally, but something will get extinguished in his heart. Nat said Ayrie’s similar to his father already. His Dad sounds like a bitter old man. Nat thinks Ayrie will end up the same if you’re not around for him.”

  “I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t think I can do this anymore. Can you imagine staying with Nat if you had to look at him every day across the breakfast table knowing he didn’t love you? Never mind having to look at him and never touching his body.” Her expression turned to complete dismay, and I started to laugh. “What would you do if you were in my situation? Wouldn’t you ask for a divorce?”

  “But I still think it’s sad. Ayrie loves you.”

  “What are you talking about? He doesn’t. He’s told me many, many times.”

  “The mouth can lie, but the heart cannot.”

  We were on a beach in the bright sunshine, preparing for a picnic. It seemed as though Vandwa never had a cloudy day. The weather was either perfect or storming, with nothing in-between.

  Ashlyn and Nathaniel’s daughter, Kathryn, was swimming in front of me. Watching her was making me decidedly nervous. She would go beneath the water and swim, which was all right with me. The problem was that she never came back up again. She could stay underwater for minutes at a time. Kathryn was under for so long that I couldn’t stand the wait. When I was ab
out to scream and rush into the ocean, she would pop up somewhere far down the beach holding a shell or shiny stone in her hand.

  “She can breathe down there.” Nathaniel startled me as he came out from behind me. “You don’t have to worry about anything. She’s not in any danger at all.”

  “Geez!” I put my hand over my chest. “You scared me, Nathaniel. Kitty wasn’t making me anxious.”

  “Are you sure? I’ve noticed you and Ayrie seem to lie to yourselves all the time.”

  At first I was startled by his honesty, but that quickly morphed into annoyance as I realized he was attacking my character. I was always honest.

  Wasn’t I? I looked at Nathaniel in the eye. “I suppose I was a little worried.”

  “Why did you tell me you weren’t?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Perhaps it’s the same reason Ayrie tells himself he doesn’t love you.” He lowered his voice. “He’s afraid to face the truth.”

  “That’s hard for me to believe. Nathaniel, it doesn’t matter if he loves me if he thinks he doesn’t love me.”

  “That’s true.” He watched Kathryn toss a Frisbee to Ayrie right before he went down into the water.

  “Ayrie can be hard to understand. He’s a bit of an odd duck.” My husband wasn’t looking like a duck at all. He resembled a devastatingly handsome swimsuit model. “For as long as I’ve known him, he’s sworn he wouldn’t fall in love.” Nathaniel laughed at the thought and shook his head. “It seemed like a reasonable thing to say when we were younger. It comes across as clueless now, or clinging to an old belief.”

  I slowly nodded my head.

  “Ayrie is the most loyal and kind friend I have ever known. He deserves another chance, Elle.” He looked at me with beautiful, turquoise eyes and I could see why Ashlyn had fallen for him.

  “Why does everyone seem to think I’m deserting him?” I was getting annoyed. I trusted Ashlyn and Nathaniel’s opinions even though I hadn’t known them for very long. “He doesn’t love me.”

  “Maybe he doesn’t know how to tell you.”

  “This might be too much information for you, but before you say anything like that, I don’t have a bond with Ayrie. We’ve never had sex.”