Unorthodox Chemistry

by Lilah E. Noir

  She lived in a spacious apartment in a neighborhood close to Marina. It was a different place than her professional realm as a dominatrix. One would have expected Allie to be minimalistic and to avoid clutter like the plague, or that she'd keep her color scheme to blacks, whites, and greys--chrome and black leather. Instead, her walls were a cheerful pink. The drawers in the living room were full of kitschy souvenirs. Some landscape paintings and wooden figurines decorated the walls. The only room that gave away her kinky lifestyle was her bedroom, with its king-sized four-poster bed and an adjoining playroom. An innocent visitor could easily assume the door led to a walk in closet.

  Innocent visitors had no place in Mistress Sheila's private chambers. Only those who knew what they were in for were allowed to pass through the gate of depravity, after weeks of thorough training.

  The hallway from the subs' room led straight to the kitchen. It was weird to be walking down it. During my visits I'd seen many men and more than a few women crawl there. They usually had an anal hook attached to the lead of their collar and were supporting silver trays on the small of their backs. It was one of the ultimate tests she put them through in order to prove their worth. Some of those really desperate to please would beg Mistress to push them even further and wind up with nipple clamps or clothespins on their scrotums.

  I walked into the kitchen and found her next to the coffee machine, working her dark magic. She was wearing nothing but a long shirt, which reached the middle of her thighs. Her spiky blonde hair looked messy so she'd probably just gotten up herself. When she heard the click of the door, she turned around and looked at me. Her relief was visible and she instantly flashed me a mocking smile.

  "Oh, sleeping beauty is finally up. Welcome to the world of the living." She chuckled and poured me a huge mug of steaming coffee.

  I yawned and sat on a tall chair next to the counter, so pink and shiny it looked as if Allie had stolen it from Barbie's house. The kitchen had a retro fifties household vibe, all light blue and pastel colors, a tiled floor, old-timey furniture and a pink fridge with a giant cupcake poster. One would expect to see the perfect housewife with a rolling pin and a big vintage skirt instead of a tattooed blonde chick with piercings and nothing but a shirt on. Once I'd asked her what kind of evil demon possessed her to decorate her house like this. She smirked and said she'd done it to mess with her mother who absolutely adored the kitchen and the apartment. It gave her hope that someday her stubborn daughter would come back to her senses, settle down with a nice man and give her grandchildren. If the poor woman suspected how many nice men had had their asses tanned by her latex clad daughter in that cute dollhouse kitchen, she'd probably have a stroke.

  "How long have I been sleeping?"

  "About thirty-six hours."

  I gasped. Allie passed me the cup of coffee and another glass. It was filled with something suspicious, an indefinite color with a greenish hue. She grinned widely and took a cup of her own.

  "Wow... why didn't you wake me up?"

  "Why should I? You needed to rest and get your strength back."

  "Thanks, I guess." I yawned and rubbed my face. Over the months of isolation I had stopped shaving and I was growing a beard. It felt strange. "My head is a mess. I'm not even sure what month it is."

  "It's June." Allie chuckled. "It's been three months since I saw you last in case you wondered."

  "Wow." I took a few large gulps of coffee. "I thought it'd been years."

  "If it'd been years I'd be talking to your ghost. Drink this." She pointed at the toxic looking glass. I wrapped my hands tighter around my coffee cup and took several long sips as if it was an elixir.

  "Did you save me just to poison me? Are you sure it won't turn me into green slime for you to feed your pets, like in Troll 2?"

  "Positive." Allie chuckled. "You have so much alcohol in your system, I wouldn't risk my pets' lives by feeding you to them. I have standards." She drummed her fingers on the counter. "My doctor was here to examine you and treat your wound."

  By her doctor, she meant one of the former subs she'd released nearly a year ago.

  "He put you on IV fluids because of severe dehydration. It was a miracle you survived at all. He said that if I hadn't come to pick you up, you wouldn't have lasted more than a day or two longer, tops. You're also malnourished. The next few months you'll be on a strict diet until you fully recover. So, you'll have to detox whether you like it or not."

  She was speaking with her best Mistress tone that chilled even the toughest men.

  "Cool," I murmured and raised the glass to the light streaming from the window.

  "Hey, you reap what you sow. Don't blame me for you not taking care of yourself."

  I sighed and took a sip of the drink. It tasted just as disgusting as it looked, and I nearly choked on it. There was no choice but to drink it all under Allie's formidable gaze. Her authoritative look shifted to amusement while she watched me suffer from the pasty, thick hogwash.

  "Come on, quit being a baby." She got up to pour herself more coffee.

  I just hoped it really was some type of medicine and not her sweet revenge. If she wanted to get back at me, I completely deserved it. After a few minutes of effort, I emptied the glass, set it aside, wiped my eyes beneath my glasses and washed it all down with a solid gulp of black coffee bliss.

  Who would have thought I'd live to see the day I'd rejoice in tasting her caffeine potion?

  "Good boy." Allie chuckled, picked up the glass and left it by the sink. I growled something in response and finished my coffee in three more gulps. My throat no longer felt slimy and disgusting so I uttered with a light smile, "Are you happy now, Mistress?"

  There was nothing funny about the situation, and yet, in the next minute both of us burst out laughing. I'd completely forgotten how good it was to laugh, and pushed all other thoughts aside except for that moment. It wouldn't last long but I needed more positive energy.

  "Oh, I'll be even happier over the next few weeks." She smiled and rinsed the glass. "By the way, in two weeks you go to my doctor's office for a checkup. We have to make sure you have fully recovered from your little stunt."

  "Right..." The light blue mug between my palms suddenly got a lot more interesting. I looked down at its empty bottom and thought over my reply. "Why didn't you take me to the hospital instead of going through all that trouble with your doctor?"

  "You know me. I hate hospitals, and there would be too many questions I'm sure you wouldn't want to discuss with a perfect stranger. I wanted to use the services of someone I know and trust."

  I raised my eyes to look at her with gratitude and guilt mixed in a lump. It was just as difficult to swallow as the poisonous bomb she'd made me drink. She knew me so well. The last thing I needed was some psychologist or social worker sticking their nose in my business.

  "Thank you, Allie." I stared straight at her and tried to convey my appreciation. "Really, thank you for going to all that trouble to make sure I'm okay even if I was such an insufferable prick and selfish asshole. All those things I told you there--"

  "Forget it." She took the seat on the other side of the counter. "I only wish I had come to your house sooner. I had this huge project that hardly left me any wiggle room in my schedule. Anyway, you would have done the same for me. I forgive you. I know you weren't really yourself. Still..." Allie grabbed my wrist and sank her nails into it. "I'll kill you myself if you ever do it again. So don't think of my forgiveness as an encouragement. Clear?"

  "Of course." I rested my free hand on top of hers. "Still, I'm sorry, Allie."

  "Apology accepted." She removed her hand and narrowed her eyes at me. "Before you get any ideas, you're staying with me until your checkup."

  "I'd hate to trouble you more than I--"

  "Thomas, be a good boy, shut the fuck up and listen to me. I told you I'd help you get back on your feet and I meant it." Allie leaned on her elbows. "Your house is uninhabitable. I'll help you clean it once you get bette
r. Besides, I want to keep my eye on you, and make sure you don't regress."

  "Um, you don't have to clean my house. You did enough--"

  She interrupted me with a raised hand.

  "I told you, we're in this together. Don't worry. You'll be doing most of the work. I'll supervise and make sure you don't screw it up." Her dark eyes sparkled merrily. "If you work your butt off, you'll think twice before you neglect your home and yourself again. I don't want to scare you, but you have cockroaches in your sink the size of mice and new forms of fungi are growing in your fridge."

  "Now, that's more like you." It exhausted me to think of returning to the house and cleaning my mess, but someone had to do it. It was high time to act. "We should start today. It'd keep me from thinking too much."

  "Thomas, lack of thinking never resolves anything. You are unwell, so let's take it one step at a time. Now..." She asked the next questions with a lower voice, filled with big sister concern. "What happened, Thomas? How did things get so bad? Last time we spoke, you told me you'd broken up with Lina and that you didn't want to talk about it. It was easy to see you were upset. Then you disappeared. I called your office last week and they told me you quit months ago."

  "A lot of things changed." That damned blue mug had such a strange allure. Allie didn't allow me to enjoy it for too long. She put her fingers under my chin to make me look up.

  "What happened? Why did you break up?"

  I sighed.

  "It's a long story."

  She regarded me with the precision of a medical student about to make their first dissection. Finally, she looked away, got up and turned to the coffee machine.

  "I'll make a fresh pot. You'll tell me every detail."

  "Do you have some whiskey? I'll be spilling my guts, after all."

  "No." I'd never heard a monosyllable filled with such icy contempt. It felt as if we were in the eye of a blizzard. She picked up a new coffee filter. "Should I insult your intelligence and spell it out for you? You're banned from alcohol for an indefinite time."

  Oh fuck. The thought of facing my problems sober made me feel anxious.

  Was I really turning into an addict? How ironic.

  "Will you cane me if I disobey?" I asked without any defiance, and a slightly trembling voice. It was more of a hesitant invitation than a question. "Don't get me wrong. I don't want to--"

  "Oh, no, you'd be the worst sub ever." Allie laughed out loud. "If I have to whip your ass and put you through your paces so you'll behave and not turn into an alcoholic, I'll do it. Still, I hope it won't go that far."

  "Me too. If you need to put me in line with harsh measures, I'll take it."

  Once the coffee was ready, she handed me the blue mug and waited for me to speak. It was difficult to gather my thoughts and explain what happened. I spent nearly five minutes sipping coffee and staring at an invisible spot on the counter. Then I clenched my fingers around the cup and started recounting the events in chronological order. My last evening with Lina. Her desperate plea to make her my slave, human property, in exchange for protection and kindness. How I decided to walk away before I damaged her more. The most difficult conversation I'd had with her. Lina's tears and despair. The heartbreak, the loneliness, the excruciating pain of her absence when she used to be so close to me.

  Had I made the biggest mistake of my life?

  When I was done talking, my voice trembled. I was out of breath and nearly hyperventilating. Maybe it was because of the damned coffee.

  Allie stood and watched me with wide eyes.

  "Damn ... It's more complicated than I thought." She frowned, got up from the chair and started walking back and forth in the kitchen. Allie paced whenever she was lost in deep thoughts. "For starters, I think you made the correct decision. Not an ideal one, but the best for the situation." She stopped and looked at me with sympathy. "Did you really love her so much you completely let yourself go without her? Yes, I know, you two went through a lot together, but that's a pretty extreme reaction to a breakup."

  I pushed the coffee cup away and buried my face in my hands. That conversation had made me feel raw and emotional enough. I didn't need more stimulation.

  "Yes, Allie, I loved her that much. I still do. There's more to it, though."

  The pressure in my chest grew heavier with every word and I couldn't keep talking. What was the point? Even if we talked about every little detail of our last two days together, Lina might have never recovered. It wouldn't change a thing. It was over. If I went back to her and asked to get back together, it would belittle my sacrifice and make me a manipulator. Was it too much that I wanted to forget?

  "Okay, I'm listening. Explain to me." Allie cleared her throat. "Tell me so I'll know how to help."

  "I'm not sure you can do much, Allie." I bit my tongue and kept talking. "Here's the deal. She's been the center of my world ever since I started working for her. Not only her but the company, the people I worked with and my accomplishments. I lived to make Lina proud and justify her faith in me. Suddenly, with a single move, it all fell down like a set of dominoes."

  The caffeine fully kicked in and I got up, possessed by the same frenetic energy Allie had.

  "I had no choice but to wait, and that gave me a lot of time to think on our relationship. It felt like someone switched off my life support system. I lost everything I'd been working for over the last eight years. I did the best I could. I worked my ass off to become the best I could be, and look how it all ended. I hurt Lina in more than one way. I disgraced her. Let's be honest, Seth may have been crazy, but that doesn't change the fact he lost it after he saw our pictures. The honorable thing to do is move on, leave her behind and not hurt her anymore."

  She was listening with her arms crossed over her chest. I expected her to tell me that it wasn't entirely my fault. Instead, her face remained unreadable, and she only uttered with a pensive voice, "But you couldn't do it."

  I nodded, overwhelmed by my own confession. My brain had refused to process it until now, to accept what exactly I had given up on. Alcohol and voluntary solitude helped me numb the voices but they didn't heal the wounds.

  "Yes... I couldn't move on. I mean, I got my fair share of job offers. Recruiters contacted me all the time." I smiled and shook my head. "The thought of starting a new job with a new company was killing me. I even had a job interview once, but I never went. Instead, I bought a few bottles of whiskey, turned my phone off and went off the grid. Everything was so..."

  I let the silence say it all. Allie placed her hand on my shoulder in a comforting gesture I wasn't sure I deserved.

  "It's quite the collection of bottles you have piled up there. Did you really spend all this time not going out?"

  "It's amazing how easy it is to become a recluse with the Internet and a credit card. I had enough savings for at least a year without having to work. If I ever ran out of booze, the 24/7 store was just a few blocks away." I still avoided her eyes. How tempting it was to go back to that numb state and fade away. I felt ashamed. "I even used an online grocery store but at one point I lost any interest in eating."

  Allie nodded and I continued.

  "At first I just lurked around the house. I slept almost all the time or binge-watched shitty movies--anything to keep me from thinking. It didn't work. I started drinking so I wouldn't think of her all the time. Then there were the nightmares."

  "What nightmares?"

  "Does it make any difference?"

  "It might be important." She still had her hand on my shoulder and patted it gently. "Come on, you already told me so much. What could be so bad about telling me of your dreams?"

  "It was only one dream--one recurring nightmare. The only way not to live through it every fucking night was to drink myself stupid. I'm walking down this maze, a dark place, humid walls, with water dripping down them. It was a very quiet sound but I could hear it so well as if it were in my head."

  The memory of those black, stone walls closing in around me made
me shiver in horror. The place was only in my head, and yet it felt so real. I was haunted. I stopped my tale for a moment. If Allie hadn't squeezed my shoulder I'd have gotten lost in that mental maze again.

  "I don't know where I'm going or what I'm looking for, but I'm in a hurry to get there. My only indicator is the sound. I'm slowly going mad and I can't find a way out. That's one of the freakiest parts. I don't know, Allie..." I ran my fingers through my hair. "I knew I was dreaming but I couldn't force myself to wake up. After ages of wandering, I see a single beam of light, blinding white, from beneath a door in the wall. And then I open the door and see her, Lina, just like that night when Seth took her. She's sitting there, naked and cuffed to the chair, and he's hovering over her. He tells me I'm late for the party, and I realize he speaks with a different voice. When he raises his head it is no longer his face. It's..."

  "It's yours," Allie said and moved away from me with a sigh. "You still think you're just like him."

  "No, not just like him. Worse." I leaned against the counter and rubbed my forehead. "He hid the fact he was a violent and brutal man. It wasn't a surprise he turned out to be a sadist. What about me? It's like I've been hiding behind the mask of a good person. I'm a nice guy, except when I'm holding a riding crop with some willing girl..." My headache throbbed and I rubbed my eyes and temples in a futile attempt to make it go away. I shouldn't have had so much coffee. "In reality, I'm just as violent as him. Back in the dungeon when Lina and I... That evening, I wanted to hurt her, make her pay for hurting me--my feelings or my ego."

  "We all have parts of ourselves stressful events can unlock, Thomas," Allie argued. "A true psycho wouldn't feel any remorse for what he did. You, on the other hand, have been beating yourself up and suffering for both yours and Seth's sins. If you were as bad as you think, you wouldn't have even remembered that night."

  "I don't know. I'm terrified of what I can do. Lina forgave me but each time I dominated her I was on constant alert, hoping my ugly side would stay quiet. I'd calm down whenever I saw she loved what I did to her, but still... the fear never left me." I needed to lie down but I knew I wouldn't fall asleep because of all that caffeine. "That's the first time I've admitted it, even to myself. I hoped I'd get over it. Then our pictures were leaked and... you know the rest."